October 3rd. London.

Yes, now i know why pee misundestood my , or rather she interpreted it in a way i didn't mean it to, or i'm too blind to see it myself. Indeed, i have been rather steeped in the cyber world, so much so that sometimes i forget people close to me. And in retrospect, the italics seem so childish, i'm ashamed of myself. Finally, now that i'm here, i cherish that which i have lost. Now that it's been a month, i realise what matters. Really, the was a superflous bunch of verbose crap. Maybe coz i was half asleep. I was just forcing myself to think, i wasn't really feeling.

Why October 3rd. London?

Why, it's obviously not me.

Why, it's one of my closest friend.

I hadn't realised that his departure would mean so much. His being at home in Singapore gives my some assurance here, that i would have someone to talk to, to listen to me whatever the issue, to encourage me whatever it is. Now that he's going to leave, i feel somewhat uprooted and cast adrift without an anchor of stability.

Yes, i admit sometimes i'd take advantage of him as an emotional dumping ground. And i feel guilty that i have nothing more to offer than words.

We've known each other for close to 11 years now, it's always been a comforting presence, there's a sense of emptiness there, now that he's leaving, a certain void. You may think i'm exaggerating, perhaps. But, it pains me beyond words to not be able to say goodbye. Probably numbs the effect that i'm not even there, i'm just gonna have to acknowledge that. And that, will take some getting used to.

Recollections from the Gulf

Well, now that we've gotten used to the duty watch system means i'm gettin bored on watch. So i was just randomly thinking up stuff to keep awake, to prevent my Chief from picking on me, even though nothing i do will stop it. I'll just have to get over it, though i know it's pissing my ass off. I try.

So indeed the below are the what i managed to come up with over 2 watches.





In the wind I stand.
Under the blanket of stars.
The watch never tires.



Land aloft the sea.
A bird does not lay its eggs.
Liquid gold it hides.



There are eyes everywhere.
Watching. Or scanning.
There are lights everywhere.
Illuminating. Or searching.
There are dhows everywhere.
Fishing. Or waiting.


A cold moonless night
The gunmetal cover of darkness

Lazy sunbeams peek through the shades.
I lay ensconced in a world of dreams.

My world is a vivid green haze.
Lights of faerie fire dance wildly.

Awake, I reconnect my consciousness to the world.
Graceful, I skim the web like a playful sprite.

Captured as blips on the radar.
Like bugs in a web.

Unfettered, I walk the cyber pathways.
Enchanted, I enter the portal of fantasy.

Invisible chatter zoom from ship to ship.
Calm or agitated, yet all fast and furious.

I command Hermes at my fingertips.
Engaging strangers, engaging friends.

Sharks secure the barricade like weary watchdogs.
A mine, a fount of black liquid gold.

A wicked rhythmn snares my soul.
And I surrender my sensibilities for a night.

A chopper roars overhead.
Reluctant, I leave my trance.


Enjoy,

There lies a question.

Someone talked to me today

Him: So you extended your service for one year?
Me: Yeah, i already pushed back my studies for a year?
Him: Really? That's stupid
Me: silence

He had no idea, no idea how much i went through just to get my sad ass here. And now that we are all fighting that mental battle within ourselves when things get tough, this just had to sink it.

Not that i blame him, i just hate that sickening feeling, yeah simply because he's ignorant or inconsiderate, or just tired when certain things slipped his mouth for that matter.

And right at the time when i'm beginning to wonder if i made the right choice, i began to question myself, i felt doubt poison my mind. There is still a long way more to go. This is only the beginning.

It didn't hit me at first, then after awhile, the creep infested my mind. Vile and revolting. I don't remember feeling so poisonous in a long while. For a sick, sick moment, I relished the feeling. Then cast it away.

Things your mind do to you in a cage of a ship.

Oh, I saw dolphins the other day.
Loads of em.
For some reason, they don't really excite me to tell the tale anymore.

The Beginning of the End.

Alas, our tour of Bahrain has come to an end. It has been a good stay, wonderful food. Spent loads on merchandise. Like USD 115 Oakleys, a watch and a whole lot of other stuff. So far things have been going well, just that our departure has been delayed somewhat due to some issues, so we get to stay longer and that means spending more money, sigh.

On a more sombre note, this is just a reflection of what just happened, no details, just go figure.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

That has always been a touchy subject in the forces. Punishments are imposed immediately upon any breach of such. I understand it being discipline, but overdoing it makes us look pompous.

Down from the lowliest of the low to the king of kings, honestly, paying of such compliments being demanded as the law cheapens its intended purpose of paying respects, it simply becomes an aesthetic gesture.

I dont see how a senior officer should demand compliments more than a junior officer should. After all, who we are saluting is the President who bestowed the rank upon the officer and not the officer himself. Regarding the seniority of the officer it should be reflected in the behaviour of one interacting with said officer and not purely in the gesture of an empty salute or bland greeting.

Ultimately, respect needs to be earned and not given purely by virtue of one's rank or establishment, it's more of working to earn that respect due you. It's rather depressing that a some people are still subscribing to such a superficial mentality.

A senior officer demanding compliments VS a senior specialist who works to earn said respect.

I'll give it to the one who earns it.

A foreign land

A foreign land.
A land scarred barren with a khaki blanket.
A scorching and stifling land.

Welcome to Naval Support Activity Bahrain (NSA).
A U.S.N Military Base in Bahrain.

Hola to all of you.
I've just landed my first toes on Bahraini land yesterday. Things have been crazy, so has the satellite. Apologies for no calls and no emails and no updates. I'll bring you up to speed. We arrived in Bahrain yesterday, we've already been in her waters for quite awhile, just that port clearance took eons and Arabs are usually more liberal with their time.

Anyway, the weather here SUCKS. Singapore is PARADISE. One day we were sailing and the night winds were chilling, the very next day it was like sailing into a heatwave. I often wonder how i managed to survive under my helmet and anti-flash gear for so long, its a constant 38 - 42 degrees here. It's hot hot HOT!

So far it's my second day of liberty, the first day wasn't much cause most shops were closed when we arrived, and it is Ramadan period now, so that means fasting from sunrise till sunset. Bahrain will revive again after sunset. So now, i'm actually inside the U.S encampment NSA, it's sorta like a R&R area for the military, and the only place alive in Bahrain during Ramadan. Gonna go out and explore Bahrain soon, it's almost sunset. Gonna look for decent oakleys, cause the heat is ridiculous.

Hikari

Lights. If i had the time. If i had the luxury. I would gladly write a poem in awe of nature's beauty like dear Coleridge would. I miss poetry. Yes, i have seen the endless seas. Yes, i have witnessed brilliant sunrises and sunsets. Yes, i have stood through the misty rains. And yes, i have seen the sky painted with stars.

But tonight was different. I saw lights in the ocean. Little blips of blue green orbs, everywhere. It was like fireflies, in the ocean. And as the ship plows through the ocean, majestic waves white waves are thrown side to side. As the crests of the waves break, it bursts into life with a bright luminscent glow, as if burning as brightly as it can before it expires into nothingness.

And there i stood, utterly mesmerised, i simply stared, and admired the naked beauty of nature. It was as if the ship was sailing on a bed of stars, ruffling them as we go by, like we are sailing through the skies... No words are adequate description.

Did i mention we saw whales? And flyin fish skittering across the ocean? A story for another day =)

Lost at sea.

So many things are goin on now at this time. I'll admit i'm in quite a mess. Watch duties are due in about 8hrs time. The official watch duties are comin in soon. I managed to get into youtube somehow. Listenin to Paige Williams - So Much More.

It's gettin hectic. Drills. Gunnery work. Watch duties. Stress. It's all takin a toll. And it's only like 8 days? I've lost track of time. Things are really gonna go up one notch now. I'm not broken yet. Not by a long shot. No. It's just that ... I can't place it, it's so many things that i'm feelin. Yeah, i'm missing the life back in Singapore.

Perhaps i just need more sea breeze to blow it all off. Bask in the moonlight and a sea of stars.

Anyway, we'll be calling to port in Bahrain soon, can't say much about it, hope it's gonna be fun, yeah, i can't wait to get off the ship. The routineness is really gettin to everyone, it's pretty scary to see sparks fly from the most unexpected of people. I pray i'm not one of those.

So many things are reminding me of so many other things, it's like a jab of heartache every now and then. There's that nagging feeling at the back of my head, i just can't put my finger on...

Listenin to Disturbia

Rihanna's my best friend this trip man. I'm hooked, i'm listenin to her at every turn. Hah, as i said before the sea is indeed gettin alot worse now. People really can't stand still heh. I just had firing the day before, it was alright. I think it's really all about managing stress and confidence. Somehow the firing tested my nerves, how i must be able to pin it down when needed and not fumble on the job, coz if i fumble, it's not just my life at stake... That is a chilling thought. So i guess i'll take this time before we begin proper to prepare.

It's been almost 5 days, it's the 5th day now. No, homesickness hasn't kicked it yet, not for a long shot, but tempers are already flaring, fuses are burnt. It's scary, but it's cold hard reality and it tests us and most importantly myself to be able to handle it. Be it calming the related people or takin someone else's wrath. It's chilling how primal us humans can get when it comes to the basest of our emotions.

I should prolly get going. It's dog watch now.

The High Seas

The floor is never stable onboard a ship, now i know what that means. And its gonna get worse, might have been fun for the moment but not when u start to feel a little top heavy in the HEAD department. Yeah, i'm missing everyone back home, missing all the crazy things we used to do. It might be a little quick for all these homesick talk, but if i don't say it now, i might not have a chance to use the coms when EVERYONE else starts feelin homesick, which is like a hundred over other people.

Otherwise its been a good sail. The open sea sparks of freedom, such pure unadulterated freedom. It's rather ironic that we are stuck onboard a ship... I shall share some nice expressions of sunrises and sunsets if i see some and put them in words as best as i can, coz i can't do any media transfer here...

Now, its about time for dinner. And i'm drained.

What a day.

Okay. The last lines are cast off and we are finally off. I know i've been emo-ing alot to friends lately, and i know that i will be able to handle it when the moment i'm on it. Yeah, it's kind of like going through an emotional void, i'm not feeling anything, not overtly much anyway, kinda numb. Maybe it's a mental self defensive shut down mechanism.

Yeah its a pretty fucked up way to start a day, drunk and hangovers and whatnot. Nevertheless, i enjoyed it, till the point my memory became moot anyway. So that's what being dead drunk is like. Oblivion. Yeah, thats the word. The next thing i knew, my handphone was in a pail of water with my pants and vomit. Wonderful. So pardon me for not being to say last minute goodbyes, part of the reason why i'm feelin so fucked up.

So, i'm floating on the ocean somewhere, praying my drowned phone will be revived soon, it's like losing a part of me, so many people i wanna call to talk to but i can't. I can't use facebook, friendster, or web messenger, youtube too. So my primary means of communication would be emails, blogging, and calling. Sigh... my handphone.....

The 21st Bash!

What can i say? It was a roaring success. I would just like to thank everyone who made the effort to come, it really made a difference to me. I could not have asked for more. To the raccoons, you are most loved, I totally dig that photo biography of me, of my life with you guys 'thus far', and i just want to give you guys credit for taking on such an ardous task, special thanks to Kelvin.

A2, you are not forgotten as well, this is including Wan Jin as well who came. I humbly thank you guys for your choice picks on books, that filled up my personal library onboard and saves me the mind-boggling hassle of rummaging through a bookstore for such wonderful literature. And that moleskine notebook was perfect, simply perfect. Cheers to whoever came up with that, i couldn't think of a better gift for myself.

To the last survivors of sedet1, meaning those who still remember the meaning behind 'sedet1', i wasn't really expecting you guys, but you proved me wrong, you proved that our spirit endures... It's really heartening to me, and it says that i made the right choice in going for OBO V. I can't say how wonderful it is to see you guys after so long. Thank you.

Slow down.

Wait. Listenin to muttons to midnight when i'm feelin rotten doesn't seem to help, i think it makes it worse, but the music is good, just not the djs. It felt so painful to be cooped up at home instead of catchin up with close friends during my last 2 weeks before i depart, especially since i'm on leave. It's not that i'm blaming them or anything... things simply are as they are.

I didn't expect the journey along to be this painful or stressful... So many things to do, so many undone. I'm simply not on it. Everything seems to have lost its flavour, I'm not sure if i'm prepared for my birthday celebration. When i ask myself why i'm doing this. All i hear is an empty echo, not an answer.

I'm not ready. I don't know what to do.

Suddenly i'm so alone.

The stars are misaligned.

Oh wonderful. I got caught for my cam phone. I got 4 extras. And the coxswain's gonna make me declare it to the ship's company tmr morning. O! Reputation! Reputation! Reputation! Not to me, but to my mother unit.

What. Bad. Luck.

Back from sailing

Sailing has been exhausting really. As it has always been, but its different this time. There are things bugging me, on my mind, and it was never my forte getting them out. I realise i'm being really cryptic. But these unsettling feelings are equally cryptic to me. It's as if my body is feeling my emotions before my mind can comprehend them. That drives me crazy. I'm really confused with what i really want now. And i want to stop and take a breather. What do i really want, for this life? And time just moves irrevocably on. It's like pushing against a moving wall, inexorably pushing you, whether towards your destined path, or your predetermined doom. Time is such an insidious element. It's almost downright wicked. And i want it to stop, so much. I really need a breather. And ask myself my heart's desire.

I Blog?

Wow, i just remembered i used to have a blog and sometimes how cathartic it is. But mostly i just can't be bothered to pen my thoughts, cathartic as the process maybe. Wait. Catharsis? I barely remember the meaning of that word. Wait. Emotional release. Yes. That just came to mind. My brain is like a stock market exchange, thoughts fly in and out like money does, it comes in settles for a minute then leaves and i can't remember whit after that. So blogging becomes a business where i sit and stare at the screen waiting to my fingers to dance over the keyboard, which they never do now.

I may have paid a price too dear to extend my service. Steeped in crude language, colloqialism and the occasional dry comms lingo. I've lost my tongue, sharp or not. I wonder to myself if i'm up to the task of taking English as my major again. It's like a silent gnawing fear of not being up to par. Nonetheless, i have to stow that fear away for another day. Because the deployment is around the corner. Gotta get psyched.

Sometimes i think saying that i've been too busy to blog is a lie. I've kept away too many things, like little devils trapped in a Pandora's Box, one day that box might explode. Perhaps i should take some time to compose myself (and my writing).

So anyway, i will be sailing off tmr and next week again for a few more sea checks before we are declared ready for ops. I may have been excited, now i'm rather nervous. Of what's gonna come ahead and what time i have to prepare for it. I try to push it aside and enjoy life for the moment, kinda like living on edge now. Maybe, its because i have to get mandatory insurance, sign a will and all those morbid talk of blood and gore.

Living on edge. I rather like it. Though not very healthy for my wallet. But for once, i dont feel so chained anymore.

Lastly, for those who survived reading, congratulations if you didnt mute your speakers. I put the song to irritate ppl =P It's so fun planting earworms if you get what i mean.

Irritating things.

Blogging as requested by the gang. I wonder how i subconsciously manage to trot up so many blonde points. Albeit some are done as a joke of the moment but have been taken into account as a 'blonde moment' sadly, and i'm not allowed a defense to clear my name. So if you really must refer to me as a 'blonde' i suppose you may.

Buffets can be such a pain sometime. Gosh, stuffing ourselves like pigs to get that money's worth. I suggest French minimalist cuisine, that's more forgiving on the stomach, not on the fat content though. No doubt, we had fun at Settlers with many a memorable moments like "Hinny" and "Vow" and Ra's incessant table slamming. But the Ra-Fiesta has yet to end.... As we shall see.

I honestly think that the road transport system needs a major overhaul. Something must be done about those OBSCENE rush hour traffic. Its like a 2 min wait at EVERY traffic light junction. Highways become snailways. Inconsiderate drivers. Singapore is having a daily gridlock during rush hours. I see a LONG line of empty cabs lining up to enter a shopping mall. Hoarding the entire first lane, choking the carpark exit. Wonderful idea really if you ask me.

Buses coming at weird intervals. The next bus comes in 9 mins, the following? 11 mins. And it can be soooo irritating when the bus is about to leave some middle aged lady come tottering on her heels flagging the bus, just as she gets on, the door closes, the driver turns away, another flustered looking student comes running flagging down the bus thats about to leave. And the bus stops again. All this coupled with a gridlock in a stuffy bus stop with bus exhaust fumes caressing your face, is enough to make my blood boil. And the poor bus drivers have no choice but to wait with an exasperated look on their faces lest they face complaints from whiny Singaporeans.

Of course, such commuters can be bad, but there are worse. The inconsiderate devils on the buses behaving with what i call lousy bus etiquette. You are asked to move to the back of the bus so more people can board. But for inconvenience sake some in fact most wish to cluster-fuck at the door leaving a gaping chasm at the rear of the bus. On at the routine behest of the bus captain to "Move to the rear" only then will these people shuffle their butts backward. It's a waste of your time and everyone else's time. Stupid.

Just as i was getting home this evening, i was on a bus home, due to a lack of seating. Many passengers had to stand, though not to the extent of packed sardines. I noticed this girl who firmly planted herself in front of the door, passengers had to squeeze past her to get to the back where theres more space, i was wondering why she didnt move, so... it seems that she's on the phone, so i thought maybe she was gettin off soon like in a stop or two. It so happens the i was on svc 88 from amk hub to bishan, so its quite a few stops. And this woman never budged a step even till the bus reached bishan, i waited i thought she was going to get down, she was oblivious to the world except her handphone, hence i had to unceremoniously push past her, squeezing as much as i can to get through. Gives a whole new meaning to the term door bitch.

Last but not the least are the bus drivers. I wonder where their driving license came from, an alien planet? This usually happens at traffic light junctions or slow moving traffic. They engage the engine, move a metre or so then jam the brakes. Move abit then jam the brakes, they have to know they arent driving a car, it's a bus with people. This is the worst when the bus is packed during rush hours, everyone mashes to the back as it moves then jerks forward as it brakes. Not only does it make for an unpleasant riding experience, it's also a hazard for people, falling down, getting mashed etc.

So far, this has been Aaron on the road transport system for the day, thank you for your rapt attention.

Now tag or bugger off.

And the word is out.

Alas! I have been confirmed for OBO. The struggle with the pes status issue has been cleared albeit a little late. Instead of how one door closes another opens, one worry subsides and another surfaces. Now is the issue of deferring my matriculation into NTU, yet another problem to plague me. How frustrating bureaucracy can be, its red tape heaven everywhere. Now if you would allow me some time to fuss....

the 100th post

Hah. Decided to give it the centurion name for this post because, well... Kinda reached the point in life where its time to direct your path ahead. Part of the reason why i'm forced to come here is because WoW is down for maintenance and freaking facebook is pissing me off, least to say i've had a bad day.

It's about time to update a little about my life. Close friends I've already told you about my decision, and i have received a plethora of varied reactions from the passive to the explosive. So instead of going through the pain of tellin you one by one and await possible tongue lashing. I'd just like to say I have extended my NS service for awhile. I might be participating in an overseas mission in the Gulf region from the period of August till December.

Why i say might is because nothing has been cast in stone yet, except for the fact that i'm on voluntary extension of service till May 11. Due to the fact that i fractured my left arm last March, i have been downgraded, and i need to be combat fit to be eligible for this mission. BUT, the imcompetent medical board, seems to be highly inefficient in processing that. Something that should have been decided on months ago. Damn the stupid organization and it's red tape.

And please, stop bombarding me with questions demanding why i made such a decision. It's not just grating, it's even bordering on disrespecting me and my decision. All i ask is for your support and not your advice.

So now, i have no idea what lies ahead, mission or education? Staying in the husk of what's left of my platoon, only to learn that nostalgia is a bittersweet feeling. Nothing more substantial than that. Hanging on to fraying threads.

Really, whats worse than being stuck in the doldrums of time, not moving at all. It's got me so weary and jaded, with nothing to work toward, everyday an unliving farce. I have not the strength to do what i need to do, face what i need to face. Maybe i'm just lazy, maybe i just need a spark somewhere.

O.R.D

I never thought I would see this day coming. I mean I got so used to seeing people leave. I never thought I would leave myself. It's almost surreal when I took back my Pink I/C. Remembering the day i relinquished it on that scrubby island in that scrubby Ulysses Coy for the GreenCard. And so the story that began on that little island ended in Changi Naval Base not too far south...

It was just 2 years ago when i had relinquished my I/C on tekong in that auditorium unknowingly. All the feelings that accompanied me when i first set foot on that island, i felt i could collapse from over-feeling. Of course, this whole new life isn't something one gets acquainted to overnight, i meant all the incessant, nonsensical shouting of course. I couldn't fathom how a human with intelligence could stoop so low, suffice to say what's being done acheives its objectives in a crude manner. SO, i did make friends in BMT, one has to, to survive. I could remember the myriad types of people we have, even though it was a JC platoon.

We had the slackers. The Bastards. The clueless. The only-PHD-beng. The aristocrats. The silent ones. The gossipy ones. The one-who-can't-sing-for-nuts. The chao-geng kia. The cheena-types and so many more... Of course there were some nice moments and those downright dirty ones when people quarreled or played stupid political games behind the scenes (being a JC platoon, nothing was too blatant).

Most of us survived through BMT, meaning 24km route march, battle inoculation, and 7 day field camp. Somehow we made it, nothing beats the POP parade for us even though it was rainin and all on the ominous day of 060606, we felt proud as we passed-out of the accursed (aka haunted) island.

A few days later, i received posting orders as a Naval Combat Systems Operator @ RSS Panglima, Changi Naval Base. Thinking that a whole new world other than the crappy army has been opened up, i was rather pleased. Yet, somehow i was cheated being told that there weren't enough vacancies and was reposted to another unit, something called 'Sea Soldiers' silly if u ask me. Thinkin that i was gonna be doing army stuff again filled me with gloom.

Before that however, i went through a 3 mth training course, a rather shiong one if i may say, because i managed to get almost a silver (due to my lousy SBJ) from a fail. Finally, i got posted to Changi Defence Squadron, Sea Defence Team 1, aka SEDET 1, a truly unforgettable platoon. We kinda stuck through everything together except for a one or two bad eggs, and fyi bad eggs don't thrive very well in Sedet 1, it wasn't a place for dirty backstabbing, it's was confrontation, suffice to say that solves most problems. We had fun of course, we were a rather tight knit somewhat 'elitist' bunch among the other sedets riddled with problems, conflicts and whatnot, we were just a happy-go-lucky bunch. Which was all very good for 6 mths.

I had a stupid accident, all because i was over-enthusiastic over a sepak tekraw game where i broke and dislocated my left arm. I was MIA for about 3 months. In the process of which i also became the butt of jokes for my arm, i had a metal piece to join my broken bones so, go figure. When i came back at long last. Things were not what they were, CDS was on the verge of a monumental reshuffle, in the midst of dirty politicking, silly feuds and standing up for what we deserved, SEDET 1 was a victim and was no more broken and split and melted into the other 2 platoons. It was a period of adjustment and depression, even though we were all still in the same unit, i still missed them, being absorbed into the other platoons meant that we were 2nd class citizens. Things went on for awhile and we grew numb.

Now, that i have somewhat assimilated myself into the new platoon, replete with underground dealings, dirty backstabbing, ugly politicking, snide remarks and jokes. I got sick of it. I settled myself down with people i trust at my station where i was the I/C and made my stand. That made life bearable even with the disgusting 7 day duty cycle implemented. I recreated what i could of my previous platoon and survived.

Being in the navy has opened my eyes to the world, i've done crazy things that i actaully enjoy, seen foreign navies the world over, gone onboard an american aircraft carrier, taken numerous J-turns, and actually did an activation even though i wasn't qualified. What matters most - poignant memories.

Now... i'm just waiting while i reminisce.

My blog is so underused.

I just realised i've been posting alot less than i should. Making use of this space for its intended purposes, to share, to laugh or to simply vent. I have been feeling alot lately. Then again i always do, during 7D especially when theres nothing else to do except duty, sleep and watch tv. Pretty much a monotonous duty cycle every other week. Now that the realisation that i'm going to ORD is looming around the corner, i wonder what i really should be feeling? Elation? Anxiety? Or anticipation on what's to come?

At this point of time i realised that i've again drawing close to the conclusion of this chapter in my life. And i wonder if i have actually made the most of this time. Or rather am i ready to dot the full-stop to this story? So many things have happened, its bittersweet recalling those poignant moments. I was just talkin to a few of my platoon mates yesterday, just sharing and reminiscing the times, laughing and lamenting the changes these 2 years have wrought. That brought tears brimming.

The realisation that i'm again taken away from a place so familiar, so memorable shakes me to the core of my being. Half of me can't wait to leave, the other half refuses to budge a milimeter. I am unsure where my path in life will lead, i am afraid to take that step. All the friendship, the laughter, the suffering, everything that makes us human, diminished, as i am thrust out into cold reality.

It's so tiring having to construct these walls to protect yourself again, after leaving yourself to the trust of familiar people.

Somehow, i'm not complaining after last week's duty, because i understand these people as friends.

AnnYeonHaseyo from Korea!

Well looks like I haven't been around for sometime. Owing to bad temper due to sickening duty schedules that took away my Christmas, and is going to take away my Chinese New Year too. Simply cannot wait to be free of this bondage. I'm not sayin that its bad or anything, its just that the duty cycle is somewhat demanding, burning holidays along with it just isnt helping.

But on a lighter note, I did have some fun in the 8 days Korea trip (which i better have because its all expenses paid by me!) We (as in me and 5 friends) visited loads of places, did tons of sightseeing and of course being total cam-whores. HA. Chief of those sightseeing locations were notably Jeju Island, home of many natural wonders, also our first very exciting contact with snow, ice, wadever. Which degraded our intellect to that of 10 year olds, playing around like fools. We visited an extinct volcano overlooking the sea, rushing up to the summit to take in the breathaking view of the vegetated caldera and the open ocean where stray sunrays blazed through the thin cloud cover. (I'll try to post the pictures online.) Dropped by the teddy bear museum where everything possible is 'bearified'.

Of course, the food was wonderous. BBQ pork, beef, chicken. Bibimbap. Seaweed. Ginseng Chicken and all. Visited Everland and Lotte World amusement parks. Took the craziest rides of my life. Aka the Gyro Drop and the Gyro Swing. Gosh. I couldnt even scream in time. Those are things you only take once. And i mean ONCE.

I seem to realise that the Koreans have wonderful skin and perfect eyesight, other than the fact that they have small eyes, but wow perfect skin! You could say its the Face Shop that they have, maybe its their healthy foodie culture, or perhaps its the ginseng overdose they have. I don't know but they have skin to die for, if you are looking for a skin graft, appeal for Korean Skin.

I also noticed that they are very environmentally friendly at heart. They try their best to limit the damage tourists do to natural attractions, so that even fragile environments like corals are maintained well (that was in our submarine ride underwater.) They use metal utensils and chopsticks. They charge for every bag you use when you buy stuff, and offer boxing services with large purchases where you can stuff your stuff into used cartons. Very interesting culture.

Did you know that their history is so wrought with war and more war that their greeting 'AnnYeonHaseyo' literally means 'How are you faring?' (Did your husband die in war? Was your wife taken focibly? Are your children well?) It's now used as a blanket greeting for Good morning, afternoon, evening and farewells.

Now if you would leave me to do my photo collating. Check out facebook for more photos =)

Control Freak.

"Why did you let people home like that?"
"Why did you only have instant noodles for lunch?"
"Why did you not tell me?"

God. Why this? Why that. Why everything. And it is revolting that she knows everything. EVERYTHING. sickening. because i never said anything. silence.

It's about time.

About time after such a long hiatus that i regain some semblance of my life. Rein in that 'fuck-care' attitude, instead of letting everything flow through my open hands like water. It was completely mind-numbing, I was wallowing in emptiness.

I felt horrible at missing Eugene's birthday, so lost to the world that I couldnt even manage a 'Happy Birthday Sms' felt like an ass after that. Sent a half hearted one later. I didn't feel like a close friend at all. What was wrong with me? Am i so cut off i don't even bother? Or do i resolve to push blame aside.?

I was living on edge (literally at the edge of Singapore), everything was so disconnected to me that i snap back to reality in vague trances. Oblivious to all. Running away from my fears, yet i cannot escape the nightmares that haunt me so. Such rare times of serenity - stolen from me. Ghastly portents glimpsed from a macabre angle.

This is such a farce of a life.

Reconnect. Aaron.

An Insight.

It is just sad how some people forget so easily.
I guess i cannot blame if people have moved on.
It is just sad how things change sometimes.
And being victims of such change, can be rather bitter.

Stopping myself and having a good look around.
Stopping myself and remembering.
I wish i was back with the Edward Becheras Choir, singing my heart out again.
I wish i was back performing my all with the NYDC.
I wish i was back in school with my friends again.
I wish i was back with my BMT friends.
I wish that SEDET 1 was back together again.

And i wish we had the good old days again.

Awash.

Every single person is a polar entity, at least in the emotional sense. Where one is shown the other is hidden, unknown to anyone, sometimes not even to oneself. Very much like Mother Theresa who often spoke of utter spiritual darkness in her solitary letters.

How do i begin? I dont even know. All the thoughts awash in some maelstorm.

'What are you doing? Why have you sealed yourself away?'
i said nothing
'Why are you doing this? You don't even talk at all. Not even during mealtimes.'
i am not saying anything
'The more you do this, the more worried i get.'
I can take care of myself, there's no need to get worried.
'I am worried because you don't even tell me anything.'
That's because you ask too much
'Precisely because i care'
I remain silent
'You don't realise how worried and anxious i am?'
Can you stop probing?
And give me some privacy?

And the debate goes on... I'm not even listening anymore.
Oh if she would stop asking and leave me be.
She doesn't have to know everything.
She isn't leading my life.
Surely she realises i must have some modicum of privacy.

There are just so many things that cannot be said.
Ignorance is bliss no?
Then maybe without the stress of opening up.
My walls would slowly melt away.

And then i realise, such a rift may last forever. She being who she is, duty-bound to give, and never receive. It pains me as much as it pains her. We are all doing what we do to keep us from harm, and all the good that has done is conjure a wall of silence, with muffled pleas at the other end which i try to ignore, and yet still reverberate with such bitter sentiments in me.

It's inexplicable.
Because she's my mother.

I hate it.

I wish i had the miraculous gift to express myself clearly through my words. Everything's like flying in and out of my head like some giant info interchange, but nothing stays, and i'm grasping at random thoughts, when strung together, sound like absolute incoherent gibberish. In the end, i look stoopid.

How do i spend my time?

Inside of Me

I don't understand. Life can get so complicated, such a delicate thing to manuvre through. A misstep can mean disaster. My thoughts are going completely wild now. There seems to always be a mountain of things to accomplish, and when it weighs down on me that i may never finish them, the crushing sense of failure is overwhelming. No. I'm not just talkin about worklife, of the limitless workload. But of everything else, friends i have not met in ages, seeking to relive the old days while my schedule is vehemently against it. And i sit helplessly waitin for the memories to go stale. When time has washed away everything, all we will be are mere acquaintances.

Had the feeling of making a to-do list?
-Gonna meet friends from a long time ago
-Find some personal time
-Slow down and find connect with someone
-Follow a fitness regime

Yet that to do list often fades away into nothingness.
Then all i have is a sense of here and now.
Only a sense of presence with no sense of direction.

Desire so strong it consumes me inside out. Because i know ultimately the desires for everything are nothing but empty wants. And i am left a husk.

Overwhelmed by a society so fake i just wanna hide away and find some truth.
Maternal love that could stifle and suffocate me, yes i want to hide away.
Yet so alone in this abyss, i want some company.
A living dichotomy.
Would you listen? Open your heart to listen?

All too soon.

I've lived my life leaving alot of things unsaid.
Which is part of the reason why this blog is up.
A voice of my inner thoughts.
That i do not elucidate.

All too many times i kept quiet when i ought to speak.
And speak only superficially when advice is needed.
Say foolish things when i ought to be silent.

Fiddling around with nothing to do at the wake.
Because of my childishly myopic sister.
And because the day was coming to an end.
People were leaving, few were left.
Not knowing i drifted to my grandma's side.

And i was just thinkin.
All the Christian services goin on for 3 days.
I hadn't really paid much heed.
Nor were there much tears.
I suppose the realisation hasn't really come yet.
Somehow assured by her physical presence in the room.
As if she were here with us.

And i hear the pastor say...
Even though she isn't here with us this day, talking with us, doing with us the things she usually does, we can rest assured she has returned to her heavenly home with God.
And i think...
She's still around isn't she.
She isn't gone.
Funny how we shallow people focus so much on the material.

And i was just looking at her not long ago.
Thinkin...
She's gonna be gone tomorrow.
Cremated to ashes.
And all i have are memories.
Then when she is wrenched away.

...

Orbiturary.

In loving memory of my grandmother who passed into the next world on this very day at 0710H at Singapore General Hospital

May she find solace in heaven.

And sanctuary in God's love.

She will be fondly remembered.

Spectrum Tower

Or the RHIBS station as it is now known as.
Was a place of many memories.
With much joy and much sadness they leave.
An accursed place, yet filled with the warmth of many friends.

Seems like we were all back to ye ol'days yesterday.
Somewhat an old gathering of sorts.
A last visit by 2 ORD personnel at the station.
Reliving the times with us all.
We chatted, we reminisced, we remembered.
And hopefully that would all remain.

"Flames to dust Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?"

Much as there was joy there.
There was an undercurrent of loss.
We were all wishing for time to freeze.
That sunset would never come.
And people would never leave.

It was a simple parting.
A silent one.
A heavily worded 'Bye'
And a poignant moment when they walked...
Down the long wharf.
Eyes never leaving waiting for them to turn and wave again.
Till they were lost in sight.

Silence.
A moment to return to our time with them.
A moment to get over it.

Sunset.
Piped down.
A velvety darkness swept across the last blazing fires.
A blanket of stars dotted the nightsky.
Like tears sparkling.

Out in the ocean.
On a little dinghy.
I got lost in the blanket of stars.
Nothing else but pinpricks of lights across my eyes.

A brief streak of brillaint shimmering blue caught my eye.
Burning into nothingness in the space of a moment.
And i made a wish that would never come true.

I am just not up to it.

Just got back to camp recently.
Everything feels so alien now.
Regarded with questioning looks from unknown people.
News of all the things to happen hanging on my shoulders.
The stress of dealing with it all.
The pain and sadness of dealing with separation.

Most of my seniors have alr ORDed by the time im back.
Back in time to have another dinner gathering with my PS.
Back in time to witness the last moments of the sedet.
Before the team gets split into the other 2 plts.
The implementation of the 7Duty system.

It was said to be a dialogue.
Turns out more to be a directive briefing on the 7D system.

Just came to realise i missed out so much these past months.
You could say i'm lucky that i was on MC for so long.
Though i'd much rather have spent more time together.
The realisation of the loss came rather abruptly.

Everyone's left.
What's remaining - Split.
And me, relegated to a lonely station.
With people i don't know.
Or know only too well negatively speaking.
Very much alone.
Without hp reception underground.
I was just left hanging.

The place i've only just come to know.
I can't wait to get out.
The road that lies ahead?
I know not what.
I'm no callous person that can chuck all this out of mind.
It would be some time before i find my place again.

Home? Refuge? Cage?

Home is sanctuary for the weary traveller.
Home is a cage for the restless adventurer.
This home keeps harm out.
This home reins freedom in.

I'm so tired of this.
Perhaps im being selfish.
Yet, dont we all wish to selfish, insolent, wilful.
Most importantly free at this age.
This golden prime?
All too well to go to waste playing the sitting duck.
Whiling the time away.
When can i be let free?
To do what i want?
To face what i need to face.
To emerge from this protective shell?
To take some responsibility.
To face the music.

Oh please. Let me be.

Such fine practiced liars. All.

Don't ask me why.
You know I know.
That its a daily, constant ritual that we lie to ourselves.
Such as this society demands now.
Day after day.
Month after month.
Year after year.
Secrets. Pain.
And all those that can only be kept to oneself.
Not publicised.

One moment, we relive our pain. Memories and reminisce.
Snap.
We are back to 'reality' where such saddening things have no place.
And invite nothing but scorn and disdain.
Perhaps ignorance is preferred over outright dislike.
But who knows what brews behind peoples' appearances.
I cannot decide which being the lesser 'evil'.

Perhaps that's the price of life and of happiness.
Whats joy with no pain?
Perhaps we have to drag along this baggage to feel somewhat alive.
In this ever numbing world.
Perhaps, its not so bad after all.

What is it that im lookin for?

Damn. What is this void within that aches to be filled? So empty and hollowed out. For all my wit and intelligence that is all but eroded away by time and monotony. I still cry out. I can't wait to rip this straitjacket off me. I am screaming my lungs out. My mind is dead, gone is that verbose flair, gone is that vitality that lights within. I am a husk of my previous self. Why does it have to be this way? Akin to being lashed to the mast on a ship in the primal fury of the worst storm. Lashed by needles of rain, chilled by the wind that cuts to the bone. Why? Damn.

One-armed jack.

it's been a long time since i was last here to indulge in catharsis. silly me broke me arm 2 days ago in camp, playin (or tryin to play) sepak tekraw no less... yeah it seems like an act of ultimate stupidity, some say ultimate blondeness, it maybe a joke gone wrong, and im havin people laughin like clowns no doubt. i didn't want this and i don't need your sarcasm into my mix of misery. infirm, useless and helpless. i thank all who visited me and those who sent their warmest regards. to hell with those who took it as a comical act gone wrong.

i know CDS is now havin low strength difficulties and i'm sorry to add on to it, we all hate gettin activated, my apologies... as to my plt, i'll be missin them dearly, won't be able to see ssc7 guys for long. damn this. sigh. missin out on so much...

I am lost.

Home is no refuge.
Home is alien to me.
Everything is, except my little breached sanctuary.

I am afraid.
I don't want to be entrapped.
I want my silence.
I want to be free.

Powerless

Something so basic that we've all taken for granted.

O... Dismount lo....

Okay, it was not exactly joy but at least we got off duty. After numerous boring rehearsals with SWO, the Change of Command Ceremony was came to a close with a farewell last salute to our former Commanding Officer, with thunderous applause to welcome the new one.

Off to the spec mess.

In rather high spirits that got even higher with the inclusion of duty-free beer from the mess, which tasted cheap but nonetheless fired the blood. We had racous fun with food, picture match and several drinking bouts from Denis, Jeff and the new 2lts. I was rather surprised i downed a mug myself. Ended the day with rather inexcusably blonde moments from me (dropping a plate of food)... More drinking and a hellride from RuiLong.

Homebound.

All the plans for WOW, some rest at home came to a abrupt halt as I opened my door to pitch darkness... Has the power perhaps tripped? Easily fixed with a flick of a switch. Flick up... Flick down... A simple enquiry to my Mum confirmed all that i dreaded.

Oh... So thats how... It needed no more from me than my indifference and utter resignation.

Perhaps i should stop thinking about the impossible.
Some things never change.

It's been awhile and its the new year.

It's been a long time since i was last here.
I've been so preoccupied with everything else.
I've forgotten to spare time for myself.
Now, back after a year, of many changes,
A pensive time.
Yet, i fear i've lost myself.
It's a year where i've been obsessed with everything.
So much so i;ve lost focus.
Like a wanderer, brief sojourns here and there.
Like the current incoherence of my broken thoughts.
About time i should be pickin up the pieces of my life this coming year.
I'm greeting it with mind numbing indifference.
As if the transition into the new year is no more than the coming of a new day or the passing of an hour, flight of minutes and the ticking of seconds.
All away into eternity.
Where was the time where i was unfettered by all these mundane problems.
Where was the time where i need not fret over everything.
So much that i want i can only wish for.
So much jealousy and poison brewing within, like a miasma.
A disease, crippling me.
If there a way where i can cast away such darkness.
When can i drop my petty little desires, my superficial cravings.
And look a little deeper, delve closer to the warmth of human contact.
Once again?

All that vindictive angst. Where goes it?

Accuse me of whatever you like, tell me i'm whining. Nothing's new, i'm already so used to being downtrodden by peoples' unsensitive comments and casting their criticisms, and yes, i'm not sure if my defenses will hold. I'm crumbling from within, even as i post this my heart and mind are exploring a million possibilities about how trashy a person i am.

I'm not in the heart for these things anymore. Go ahead whine to me about how bad your NS life is because yours can't get any worse... So tell me, what's new? Maybe i shouldnt really be taking this on such a sombre note but please, knowing what i'm goin through, be careful where you aim your verbal daggers, no matter how unknowingly and heedlessly tossed in my direction.

Perhaps i'm breaking at the stress of all this, and i'm probably sullying my own pathetic image further by waxing lyrical about my myriad of miseries. Yeah it probably couldnt get worse than that.

All seems happy and jovial where i am, but i sense a deep jadedness within everyone, morale is say... inexistant. And daily i trudge through this waist-depth of shit. Uncertain of when my next little bubble of fresh air might come from, uncertain of my book outs. Because anytime, those accursed officers take all liberties available to thrust our heads into the crap all over again. Like torturers twisting the law as their leash around us. I'm beginning to wonder when i'll suffocate.

And yes, thank you Kelvin. I'm blessed to have you as a friend. It gave me a measure of hope, a little flame to keep me warm, a soothing lullaby in the cold nights, a little assurance in a simple sms. And no, you don't have to feel guilt, empathy is all i need as my pillars, you have given me so much more. Perhaps the sky isn't gonna collapse today, perhaps the world aint so bitter after all.

Remember that Greek myth? It all rings true now... When Pandora's Box was unraveled, all the worlds miseries and sorrows escaped to plague the earth, but underneath all that was a little thing called Hope. So maybe.. Just maybe... It's wings brushed across my grievious heart...

Tempestous.

I wonder what came over me today. This sudden deluge of negativity and rejection awash, I feel so poisoned, vehement, almost afire. Slowing down to think and ponder calmed me somewhat. I simply desire solitude. Is that a gift, a freedom so difficult to grant? Everyday i live simply saps upon my already limited and strained sanity, i fear i may snap. Everytime i come back into the real world, it seems as though i just phased out from a vacumn, everything is so fucking routine. I finish my damned duty, book out for the night, come back home to be fawned upon like some little twit, fussing over every little thing, then i wake up the next accursed morning, heading back to camp to renew this dreadful cycle. Sometimes i dont even get home. I scream to nothingness, where is my personal space and liberty that i held so dear. Now it is so forcefully wrested from me, while i could do nothing. I have to go home and face the irate sister who's pissed because she's using my things. What bitter.. bitter irony. And i am deposed from my room, no more than a visitor, acting to the whims of a little brat. Because why, i'm not even sure if i live here anymore. What's mine has become but another illusion.

Where is my personal space? It doesn't exist anymore, it has been plundered, invaded, raped. Sometimes i just want out of this world. Just me, myself and i, alone in my quiet contemplations, now where has that gone? That, along with my social life went out of the window months ago. How did i survive this long? I don't want to have to come homw to face a grumpy sister in my room, complaining, whining... GOD! NO WHINING! Find it no different from a dumpster downstairs, completely unrecognisable, nearly uninhabitable. My personal space... Obliterated. Just like that. Privacy, space, peace... Where are all that now? When can i be spared the ceaseless questionings, neverending fusses coming from her stream of consciousness. Sadly no different from a fly buzzing in my ears. I am no kid. I want none of it no more. Cohabit with an adult, not fuss over a little boy. Give me space and quiet.

My mind is a blank right now, a vacumn ready to implode anytime. Dont spark it.

Empty. Empty. Empty.
So hollow the heart that thunders.

Friends are a divine gift.

Today. Was a heaven sent gift.

One of the few times i truly ever treasured the space of a day. We had a rather empty morning, nothing much other than fatigue work, but when it dawned upon us that our Sgt Jonathan had begged to let us have a nights off today was more than enough to set our spirits alight. More importantly, we will be running together with Tuas Defence Squadron. Guys from the previous Sea Soldier Course - my coursemates. It was a tender and warm reunion, i could not stifle an excited wave at all of em, least to say hasten to see my best buds since i dunno when.

The mood was jovial, it was great to see them again, who knows when would be our next chance... Exchanged many interesting anecdotes and pieces of random gossip, lots of fun and laughter. So many feelings that were felt were almost tangible in the air, it was thick with emotion, something that was expressed with glittering eyes and knowing smiles rather than said with words no matter how beautifully crafted. Words don't really matter when hearts connect.

Ran 5km along the surrounding of the Macritchie Reservoir Park, tagged along with Gabz and Jem and an occasional Sgt Wen Jie hollering in our ears and finally knocked himself on a railing. Me and Gabz were quite proud of ourselves for besting a number of NDU personnel on the run. Heh. Even though their competetive teams still made a rather clean swipe of most of the prizes leaving bits for the rest to pick. All in all a good run. Running with SWO again, reminiscent of our many AGRs. Ah memories.

Prata for dinner. Night Snack (Darrell) was re-christened Snack Monster or Snack Champ or wadever for giving me a food related answer to a lan related question.
We had lan, i owned for 2 games. Lost on my last. Would have prolly won had not been for Joel, damned Bloodseeker and also to a very fat WeeMing (Centaur). Dang. I wanna rematch!

Now... I'm back home missin all of you guys already. See you guys soon. Pray we don't kena extras

I walk again down my destined path..

It has been a week.
Where i felt so much.
Sorrow for the loss of friends.
Joy for the subtle blessings bestowed upon.
A kind of peace we all share.
A sense of camaraderie invisibly felt and appreciated.

Well... being an OJT ain't as bad as i imagined. Everyone has been helpful in guidin all of us along. Or rather, all of us realise the need to stand together in the face of the EVIL CO. Hah.. Strength in numbers i suppose, everyone has banded together to cover another's asses. Covert ops undercover heh. It's gratifying i suppose, as much as we all do not condone the CO's actions, it sorta brought everyone to stand beneath one banner. I'm sure we all appreciate the little things our superiors do for us, everyone of them except dear CO of course.

The very appointment, invoke his name and a flurry of hushed whispers follow, perhaps he isn't wrong, but he certainly cannot empathise or force us to produce a standard beyond our greatest means.

Forget the depressing stuff. I still miss my dear friends in Tuas from time to time, memories from Panglima blip across my thoughts sometimes, whether it brings a smile to my lips or a tear to my eye i'm still rather mixed. Time here runs by its own rules. I guess i'm simply numbed, time just sorta disappears before my very eyes, I need some revitalising... I'm broken.

A period on another chapter.

This feels as if i'm writing my life as i live it. And as this day comes to an inevitable end. I'm writing my final conclusions to this chapter, and finally i rest my pen on a full-stop. I recall the past times where i HAD to put my pen down and write a new chapter, part of me refuses to flip that page, so ironically light, it is beyond me to flip it.

And so now, i reminisce my conclusions.

Damn. Why does it have to be so? To make friends and lose them? My spirits dulled significantly nearing the end of course. The fact that we were gonna pass out soon did nothing to lift that dreary mood, that ominous feeling i've been dreading all the time. When it's time for us to move on. When we suddenly notice time is at our asses, sweeping us along...

All that time we've come to appreciate and love of everyone's beloved company, that we've taken for granted, has come back with a vicious vengeance of hurt and separation. Friends that have a place in my heart, and taken to were torn away, by a difference of just 1 offending letter, 'T'DS or 'C'DS. Revolting how such words carry such power.

It felt almost like judgement day when Course Comm was reading the posting order. Finally the verdict announced, and i am given exile.

It is cruel how this world works. Moving along at it's precise and clockwork manner with absolutely no regard for the fragility of human relations. Oh please... Do not lament the increasing lack of warmth in people, or the astounding superficiality some people are capable of now, because we are too shallow in our handling of relations, people are chucked here and there simply because they are needed by the system. Humans are not clockwork robots. We barely even have enough time to live life properly, decently. This is so lamentable...

I swear, i did everything in my power to hold my dams... I was tearing. FUCK this. WHY?

Livin my life.

Was just thinkin. Yeah, sometimes i blank out alot, lost in my wolrd of thoughts. Thinking of so many things to get myself distracted from all the boredom, from all the brainless things i do in camp. I figured i needed to keep my mind perked, lest i become a walking zombie in this 2 years, or so i fear. All that sophistication, lost to mindless, unquestioning obedience. Distasteful.

As i was thinkin. I thought many things. I thought of - what next? After all this... I wish time would all slow down. It feels like we are on some roller coaster ride of life. Exhilaratingly short. If it would only slow down to a walk in paradise, enjoying, savouring every moment with close friends and family to walk with you. A sense of undying support and true inner joy, which cannot be obtained through superficial means. If only life today was as fulfilling. We probably would not be such shallow adults nowadays, seeking out our selfish wants, sometimes with such blind ardour it is almost machiavellian. That turns the essence of human nature into an empty husk.

I have lived a good 18 years. Not long, but it's given and taken from me alot. Friends have been bestowed upon, only to be taken away by circumstances, becoming no more than a roadside acquaintance, sometimes cheapened to be used as a means to an ends. People whom i've toiled with, endured hardship with, a bond of friendship taking form, only to be ripped apart by the contraints of time and space. This world is selfish, while we are mere puppets to be puppeteered or chess pieces manuvered to fulfil an unknown plan.

Wouldn't it be just wonderful to have a beautiful ending like 'Big Fish'?

Vibrations in the air - emotions coporealized.

I am not a critical writer.
Thus, I am not a good one.
Not in GP at least.
I write what's true to me.
What's within me that's screaming to be heard.
As writers of old have done.
Only to leave us to decipher the myriads of mysteries interwoven.

Let's not banter further more on that subject.
Rhythmic. Harmonic. Vibrations. Music.
The uplifting power of it astounds.
I just realised i've ignored it for more than i should.
Music resonates in the human soul.
It's the core of spirituality.
One of the few things that has survived through human history.
It's universal.
It communicates not in words, in meanings.
But in the emotions songs evoke.
Hope. Melancholy. Vindictiveness. Angst.
It's a medium beyond words. Beyond language.
Wider. Deeper. Expanding our sphere of communications.

On a more personal level.
Music touches my heart.
Not just in a passing liking.
But a more intimate connection that invites me into that world.
A world woven with the magic of music within the mind.
A utopian harmony achieved - however momentarily.
Music trancends words.
Music is the realm where i've found solace.
Where i can cast myself adrift to bask in it's caressing embrace.

Below are the few songs that caught my heart.
Let it wash over you.
Music never dies.
Unless one is deaf to it.

MoonLight Shadow

The last that ever she saw him, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
He passed on worried and warning, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
Lost in a riddle that Saturday night, far away on the other side,
he was caught in the middle of a desperate fight, and she couldn't find how to push through.

The trees that whisper in the evening, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
Sing the song of sorrow and grieving, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
All she saw was a silhouette of a gun, far away on the other side,
He was shot six times by a man on the run, and she couldn't find how to push through.

I stay, I pray, I see you in heaven far away.
I stay, I pray, I see you in heaven one day.

Four a.m. in the morning, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
I watched your vision forming, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
Star was glowin' in a silvery night, far away on the other side,
Will you come to talk to me this night, but she couldn't find how to push through.

I stay, I pray, I see you in heaven far away,
I stay, I pray, I see you in heaven one day.

Cought in the middle of hunger and fire
The knife was heavy and so was the life
She couldnt find hoe to push through, carried away by a moonlight shadow
OOOOOHHHHH.


God is a Girl

Remembering me, discover and see,
All over the world, she's known as a girl,
To those who are free, their minds shall be key,
Forgotten as the past, 'cause history will last.

God is a girl, wherever you are,
Do you believe it, can you receive it?
God is a girl, whatever you say,
Do you believe it, can you receive it?
God is a girl, however you live,
Do you believe it, can you receive it?
God is a girl, she's only a girl,
Do you believe it, can you receive it?


She wants to shine, forever in time,
She is so driven, she's always mine,
Clearly and free, she wants you to be,
A part of the future, a girl like me,
There is a sky, illuminating us,
Someone is out there, that we truly trust,
There is a rainbow, for you and me,
A beautiful sunrise, eternally.

Quellin that bitch.

Yeah I've got the Monday Blues...
I've become obsessive.
So obsessed with spending my time well.
Yet ironically, i'm screwin it up for me and everyone else.
Snappin at everyone tryin to loop a leash over my neck.
While i thrashed like a rabid animal.
Becoming an uncontrollable and brooding tempest.
Incapable of mirth.
Incapable of joy.
Caged, with arms outstretched between the bars.
Seekin to keep the sands of time from flowing between my fingers.

Much as i would like to accept gaiety with open arms and an open heart, yet there seems to be something keepin me from it. Until i finally accept myself within the confines of a box. I have steeled my heart, unable to trust except for the truest friends but even so, some veil seems to drape over all of that. Friends are my pillar of support, overly so i guess, that being trapped and kept from them, havin so little time to spend with them is makin me fall apart at the seams. Yet, ironically, i feel as if im pushing them further away, to avoid the pain, only to fall harder.

All that angst culminating into a tempest.
Forgive me for my mistakes.

Thursday. 20/07/06. 10:47a.m.

Seems like this week in camp has many interesting anecdotes to document. Partly also because i'm tryin to keep myself awake in the midst of a dreary lecture by an old warrant officer.

Wee Calixtus Ashley aka Cactus.
Weird. Not that i had anything against his name, but such a flamboyant name is destined to attract attention. He is one MAJOR oddball who questions everything commanders say. Defies general orders, does the silliest things to get 8 confinements and counting... Posseses an eternal Mona Lisa smile on his face, sometimes he laughs heartily to nothing at all when he is alone on the corridor - Enigmatic in a sense because no one can fathom why. Question: What IS so funny?

Okay, before i fall into a permanent cryogenic slumber. I try to dredge up more lame antic by our IC of the week. All hail - Yong Chen.

Please pardon my candidness. Just last week, whilst swimming in the pool, he was spitting water like a pig faced Merlion while holding to his slack-floats after the swim cat test. I can only implore you to imagine the utter idiocy of the situation. My words are only limited an extent. Of course, as an IC he never fails to wayang, although in the most unconvincing manner.
'Eh! Guys! Do your drills properly' The next line killed it.
'Eh! Image arh! Image! Navy BMT coming' ...
Nevertheless, his responsibility as an IC is laudable, although his image doesn't really accentuate the fact.
3SG Tan:'... Illume grenades has a brightness equivalent to 90,000 candles'
Yong Chen:' Sergeant... What type of candles is it?'
He never fails to 'amaze'.
After the morning standby...
Yong Chen: 'Thunderstorm... After i fall you all out. Fall down immediately downstairs'
How is his brain wired? Neurologists might classify it under 'slug matter'.

Now, i'm lookin at my platoon mates falling like flies on their seats. The Z-monster comes with a reaper's scythe today.

Of course, how could i forget?
Pang Si Cher.
Codenamed: Chicken Little.
Mai Ah Hee... Mai Ah Hoo...
Oops... Sorry...
Why? Because he looks exactly like an overstretched version of our lil chick. Tall and lanky, not to mention a block like head mounted atop. Yes, please note the pun. He is excused: PT. IPPT. Swimming. Firearms handling.
You name it, he's got it.
Why? He CLAIMS he hears voices in his head tellin him to do stuff that's dangerous, no doubt it's a stupid voice. Maybe I can't blame him for having a hollow head, maybe echoes get distorted inside or something. Just yesterday, he visited the MO. After a brief sojourn, all his statuses were extended by 10 days. That status slip would have dominated the NSF black market for the hottest buys.

Quoting my PS:' What is wrong with the world, Mama?'
Yeah, i had to agree.
Gimme a min to replenish my brain fluids. It's quite taxing mind you.

Next up we have Gabrielle.
No, not Eva Longoria's Gabrielle Solise, although quite a formidable bitch in herself.
We have Gabrielle Selva Retnam.
Applause please.
I've met my match.
She OUTbitches me anytime. Sarcasm bounces off her like a sticks would off hippo hide. The DIVA of the lot. An absolute metro. Ever prim and prissy about appearance and fantasizing about high-end fashion labels. I feel as if i'm living next to a mini Paragon retail chain. Everything to her is either Prada or Gucci or Versace or maybe it's Maybelline.
If i had a camera i would have put a picture of her posing like an absolute bimbo.
That's all too bad, not as if she needed the extra advertisement anyway.
P.S. You owe me for your airtime here, i charge primetime rates.

What's that stirring in my heart?

Emotions are but a mix of chemicals your body releases for you to feel what you feel. Simplistic yet sophisticated as it may sound. I could never get a clear grasp of it. What is it i am feelin exactly, when a gush of heaviness rushes to my chest, my eyes feel heavy - simply put. Sadness.

Times i used to take for granted, now zoom by so quickly i can barely catch it. I am frustrated, vexed and at the same time trying to deal with my pain. My mood and being flutter like the weather everchanging, unpredictable and hits least expected.

It always rains.
I like the light drizzles.
I can't stand the brooding ones.
I miss home so much.
I hardly noticed it myself.

It's not pain. It's a bitterness. Something i cannot bear - Because it's something i can't control. I hate that helplessness. Even though i have weathered this many times.

Actually. Stayin at home during the weekends ain't such a bad thing. Sleeping in... Enjoying the homely comforts. Simple as it is, it meant a lot, now. A mother's love that i've taken for granted so long. I only appreciate now. I'm pissed. Pissed that time is limited.

Tears welled up, while i was packing the other day, dear mum came to give a hug. It took all of my being to hold my deluge, i was a breaking dam, i forced a smile. Felt like i crossed a threshold when i stepped ouy of home. At that moment, my world turned a vaccum. All the intensity of emotion i felt seem sucked out of me, i felt like an empty shell of a being.

A bad day.

It's a bad day. Even for a book out day.
Yeah, all thanks to my dad who screwed my com.
And spent the week tryin to hide it from me.
Gosh. That's abhorrent behaviour.
The worst thing is to use my book out day to fix coms.
It's bloody irritating coz i do only trial n error.
I'm no expert.
Thanks for ruining my perfect weekend.
I'll prolly have to reformat it.
Because im working cursorless now.
So much so that i look like some frantic typewriter on the loose.
Not to mention the mental tribulations wiring up the net can give me.
Hellish. Utterly vile.
All my intricate plans are wasted.
All that anticipation to get home are wasted.
Thanks so much.

Don't blame me.
It's the next 'best' thing other than goin out.
Argh. One too many times of this crap is driving me nuts.

While in camp, at Changi Naval Training Base CNTB.
Was feelin rather... forlorn...
Gazing into the sea of infinity.
Life ain't at it's best.
But i try to make do.
Everyone has their own problems.
Regardless of wealth or standing.
Envy is probably a senseless thing.
A human touch no doubt.
In every person, there is a dark corner we never see.
Known only in the corner's of our hearts.

I clamour for my book outs.
As all servicemen do.
There's so much i want to do.
But as sergeants say, 'Why? Shag, cannot think izzit?'
Come to think of it...
I juz flop and forget the moment i reach home.
Only to regret my decisions.
Waste my precious time.
I try to search for a purpose.
Something meaningful. Worthwhile.
Like go date-hunting for SSC night.
(I'd be crushed if no one offers their hand)

Crash! Comes the waves upon the sea walls.
Winds embrace my spirit with their uplifting caress.
Night grants me a peace, solace and still i can hardly find within.
Many times i wish for the impossible.
To frolick in the elusive oceans.
To soar high above the winds.
To explore the dream realm like an astral explorer.
The silent mysticism grants a momentary sanctuary from the world.
A world where order is imposed upon the natural ebb and flow of life.
Nature is free and unfettered.
Perhaps the world should take freedom with a pinch of salt.
Not to mention a leaf from Nature's tomes.

So blind... so blind...

In this cold dead world of mine.
Where i'm not who i am in the dead of night.
I cuddle in a little corner.
And sorrowful tears fall from within.
I don't care for a moment about others then.
My world is my own.
My own sanctuary.
There, i feel the pain i've deliberately numbed.
There, i secretly dry my tears for the next day.
There, i find some solace in the astral dreams.
It is there where i can cast away and forget-
Temporarily...

I never change.
As i much as i convince myself to.
I live a silly pretense of superiority.
Only to be brought back to a shattered reality i'm trying to hide from.

I yearn so much... So much...
Only to be denied.
The very thing i've been searching for since i lost it.
Seems the gift so freely given,
Is so hard to retrieve.
Akin to searching for a needle in a haystack.
And all i found are but...
Pseudo-needles.
Nothing but emotional phantasms.
Yet, i was blind enough to be fooled.
By pretences.
You might as well have thrown a phantom dagger thru my heart.
It doesn't kill.
But it hurts every single bit.
Memory plays its cruel joke again.
As i relieve the very moment.
Double edged thing memory is.

I laugh...
I laugh a cynically pained and choked laughter.
As the melancholy grips my heart again.
And i mock my own foolishness.

A gift so dear that it is priceless.
So dear that only the chosen one may give.
And poor me has been given leprechaun gold for promises i thought would come to pass.
I was the one who left me hanging.
Hah.
What a blind fool you are, pitiable soul.

A new path

A new path descends upon me.
060606 on this demonically accursed day.
Indeed, it rained.
POP was an experience i might say.
Ironically, i faced the day with a conflicted heart.
When all the time i've tried to get this over and done with.
Damn, i miss people.

As always, conflict arises within me.
Paths to choose and take.
Risks to weigh and handle.
Feelings to grapple with and suppress sometimes.
A mental tug-of-war within my mind.

All i yearn is to sit in peace.
Lay on the sand by the beach.
Beneath the gentle moon and starlight.
Sitting with a close friend shoulder to shoulder.
Chatting about anything. Everything.
Without a care in the world.

Many a thousand 'if-onlys'.
Then the world would be perfect.

Many things i tell myself

Some wish that time would stop,
That they may savour the precious moments.
Yet, others can't wait for time to fly,
That their long suffering may end.
But regardless, time flows on.
Unfeelingly, mindlessly.
Time is but another manifestation of reality.
Both move on their destined paths like ageless sentinels.

For us, we simply lose our way in all this sophistry,
Or still lose our minds trying to find a way.
Things living are all victims of time,
For it moves us inexorably to the end.

I am but a hapless puppet.
Home is a blessing of many wonders,
The very word can inspire and uplift.
And that means so much more in NS.
Homely comforts are unparalleled.
The warmth and love given so freely after a week's starvation.
Soothes and mends the broken soul beyond any measure.
Being deprived of all these at the end of a weekend,
A cruel thing to do.
I'm nothing more than a prisoner.
The pain and hurt, although brief.
Surges over me, leaving me hallowed and empty.
Like a pheonix cycle, rising from the ashes only to return to the earth.

When push comes to shove...

There's always a breaking point.
And i feel like i've juz passed that.
There is juz so much to express.
Yet words are so limited.
Or maybe i'm juz ineffectual in my expression.
Freedom is a tantalizing gift.
A gift greater than gold.
Yet something feels amiss...
Behind this deceptive facade of bliss.
A darkness lingers within me.
Something i cannot banish...
I can't seem to let myself go.
I'm a mess of conflict.
It holds me ever so subtly but firmly.

I yearn for the moment when i can cast myself afloat.
Free... without the fear of reprisal.
The how... I have to figure it out in my road of life.
Life makes tough demands.
But let us not forget the sweet fruits of labour it also brings.
Count our blessings indeed.

Existential angst.
Perhaps...
That's another big question mark.
I've come to a standstill.
A crossroads in life that needs decisions.
But i don't decide easily.
Maybe i shan't worry for now.
Cast these reservations aside...
And listen to the voice within...

I want to protest.

It's MY room.
But i don't stay much in it.
Which sucks.
And i don't appreciate it being taken over.
Much less taken for granted.
Even less so,
Taking possesion.
That is a violation of privacy.

My dear sister,
Would you mind not turning my room -
Into your personal dumpster for the week.
Before returning it to me?
Much less.
LENDing MY things to people i don't even know.
Even so.
Could you have the decency to get it back?
It's been a week and the book i asked for -
Is still in someone else's possesion.
How RUDE.
I would appreciate if you'll only use the bed.
And radio if you please.
Or the table and chair if you need.
But others are my things.
I STILL live in my room.
Thank You.

Oh yeah. Screw Viper and Taurus for fucking Ulysses up during the enlistment of new recruits.
Thanks so much.
Cat calls and jeering... Juvenile and deprived.

After wearing the iron choker.

Kinship and friendship.
Something i never really thought about.
Everything here is about me, myself and i.
It's time i pay some tribute.
I thought i was able to withstand everything.
So long as i set myself to it.
It seems so easy.
Setting myself a target.
Yet, i crumbled beneath the pressure.

I fell sick twice.
MCs stretching into my book out times.
Agonising to feel so powerless and weak.
Completely dependent on someone else's care.
My Mum.
She took care of me by day and by night.
Always checking on me from time to time.
I took it for granted in the past.
Now, it touched me deeply.
I felt loved.

Relatives. Phoned in to enquire about me.
All concerned and worried.
Esp my Grandma and Godma.
Many thanks for such wonderful family.
I felt loved.

Many friends, close and new.
Called, smsed.
Sent their regards wherever they were.
I never knew...
A simple msg.
A simple call.
Could mean so much.

I wanna thank:
Kelvin & Genie for your friendship.
Do well in SISPEC! Cheers =)
Jerry and Char for giving time.
I won't die yet bro.
And Char, i want a treat!
Not the least of course.
Are my newest friends - bunkmates.
Thanks all of you.
Lan again sometime.
Gotta get Russell! And Kevin! And Alvin!

Thank God for blessing me with such wonderful angels.

treasure what i have lost.

Yes, the army is capable of that.
Things i have taken for granted.
Snatched cruelly from me.
And there is nothing i can do.
I'm like a pathetic beggar,
Beggin for my previous life.
The strict regiments strip away all sense of individuality.
And i'm changed into some mindless puppet.
I lost myself.
Booking is a priviledge.
A gift of sanity.
The whole experience has been numbing.
3 weeks in there.
I have forgotten all of my social life.
The only thing i want to do is to fall into blissful slumber.
Oblivion.
That is my only solace.
But even that is reduced because of the unearthly hours we are required to wake from.
If only the night would last longer.
That is where i find myself again.
Only to lose it in the day.
Tekong life aint too bad.
It's just the sting of things lost.
I guess i had better acquaint myself to being a mindless robot.
It's a survival test. Each day.

Oath of Allegiance

I, having entered the service of the Republic of Singapore under the Enlistment Act, (Cap 93), do solemnly swear, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will:

a. bear true faith and allegiance to the Republic of Singapore

b. protect and defend the Republic of Singapore bravely and intelligently, with virtue and honour, not sparing my life blood in so doing;

c. to my last breath be devoted to the people, the country and the Government of the Republic of Singapore;

d. to be loyal to the country and the Government of the Republic of Singapore.

e. be ready at the order of the Government, to rise up to the defence of the Republic of Singapore.

f. be honourable, brave, disciplined and vigilant;

g. obey the laws of the Republic of Singapore and comply with the orders of my commanders; and

h. strictly safeguard and preserve state secrets and official information and never to disclose them.

I'm gonna miss certain things and people.
I'm gonna become a pawn in the Government's hands.
Just do it, i guess.

Out of sight. Out of mind.

Let it go.
Let it pass.
Let it fade.

Pain and disappointment.
No more.
No more.

Feelin down and out.
Let me go.
Let me go.

I dun wanna hear no more.
No more.
No more.

Close myself to heal.
Give me a day or two.
Simply a day or two.

I dun wanna think no more.
Enough is enough.

C'mon. Let's deal with this.

Lets be truthful.
I didn't do as well as expected.
Geog and Lit were disappointing.
Econs was a mild surprise.
Where do i go?
I may enter NUS or NTU arts.
What if i don't.
My mind is a tempest of emotions.
Crushed.
Deluded.
Lost.
Sunk.
Down.
But. Let me put it aside calmly.
And detach myself.
Let me drop that touch of arrogance.
Lest i fall further.
Let me be humble.
And learn.
Let me not be presumptous.
And be blind to things.
Let me face my world of possiblities.
And open doors.

To those who gauranteed themselves a place in a U.
Congrats.
To those whose results fell short of expectation.
Life goes on.
To those who take results to seriously.
Learn to be like Jerry. Really.
Take life a step at a time.
Make it the fullest step, every step.
Don't be sunk by bad things.
But learn to accept them and adapt.
I regret i learned a little too late.
But better late then never.
I should start living in reality.
So should you.
Thanks. Bro.

Love or die.

Have you ever wondered?
Have you ever questioned?
Have you ever given unconditionally?
Have you ever received with joy?
Have you ever taught others something?
Have you ever learnt something truly valuable?
Have you ever cared?
Have you ever loved?
Have you ever lived?

Have you ever felt aimless in this road of life?

Because...
We immerse ourselves in chasing the material.
We swamp ourselves with overwhelming work.
We live as human husks, empty lives.
We constantly seek attention to feel worthy.
We think power can be exchanged for attention.
We think money can be exchanged for care.

Have we lost our way?
Like wayward animals?

Instead of adapting and surviving...
Why do we conform and accomodate...
To what society says.
To what commercials say.
To what celebrities say.
To what the popular say?

Can we ever learn to take to the helm?
Can we ever dictate our lives?
Can we ever live as a person whose life is his own?
Can we ever carve out our own culture and future?
Can we ever rid ourselves to be led blindly?
Can we ever truly learn to be human again?

When we give love.
And when we learn how to die
Only then will we ever learn to live.

Tuesdays with Morrie, 5 people you meet in Heaven - Mitch Albom

It's pretty sad how some things turn out...

Friendships come and go.
In eagerness and in sadness of parting.
Yet some begin in necessity and others end in tempest.
Everyone is a 2 faced demon.
I may be an Angel when you see me.
I may be the Devil right beneath your nose.
Away from your very sight.
Becareful what one reveals.
May Time the eternal arbiter
Heal the deep wounds.
Even though scars remain.
May they be a reminder to maintain the harmony.
That was lost in the conflict.

Let it flow.

Here I am, sitting outside the hotel across the road. I am baffled. As I always am. I'd like to think I'm too sophisticated for my own good. In plain english, I lack cow sense. Perhaps I am spastic. I don't even know why I am writing this. Maybe it's because I've got time to kill. Or maybe I was tryin to reestablish this quashed and subservient dumb asshole, to normal person with a tinge of self esteem. I feel detached from reality. I've always forgotten and chucked aside, pity that does not work for everything. Much to my distaste. It needs some good getting used to. Perhaps all I have to do is to to accepting reality objectively and try to shield myself from the brunt of it all. I hate me being myself. I'm a conceited bastard, acting what I'm not. It's a dark soul living in 2 worlds split asunder. I'm raving. Every single step is agony. Both ways.

Screw wireless... In the ethernet port...

I hate wireless.
Wireless went down when i was free to use it for a week.
Tell me that doesnt suck.
Its throwing tantrums in my face!
And now, after being out for so long.
I'm bombarded with all kinds of things.
Mainly, gettin back with frens online.
After a serious withdrawal syndrome.

Lets not talk about the depressing stuff.
YESTERDAY.
I was made to parade myself as some shameless admirer,
for Pee's b'day girl.
God. it's tormenting.
Read Pee's blog man.
I have no need to disgrace myself further.

Went to MOS after that.
Nice place.
Nice atmosphere.
Nice crowd.
Not to mention nice CARs.
Just that the music's a lil not my type.
It was heavy house.
Heavy trance.
And some really remixed Rnb.

Ok, that was some bits of disjointed frustrations.

Waitering is NOT fun.

Gosh, i felt so idiotic the entire nite.
I was sent in to waiter a full banquet, without training beforehand!
I knew nuts.
Disgraced myself.
Overworked my poor partner.
And i think i was liable for alot of complaints!
I was clumsy.
Slow.
Retarded.
With an abysmal lack of common sense.
Laughed at by the other mean waiters.
Couldn't handle heavy things.
The list goes on for a bad waiter.
Heck, to make things worse.
The manager is just a total (fill in the blanks with all your obscene creativity)

I think i was just totally down on my luck.
Missed the bus home.
After waiting for half an hour.
Walked to town.
Rather ran with a full bladder.
Scrambling for a toilet....
Went to Macs to get water...
And saw the last 162 go by.
Waited like an idiot for niterider.
Until some nice cabby told me theres NO niterider.
Spend 1/3 of my pay on cab fare.
BAD DAY.

At least there were some saving graces.
Met some nice ppl there who were new.
And a nice Indian waitress who helped me ard.
I think that's all i can ask for.
Now, i'm a total wreck.
Like i've been hit by a truck.
God, i feel useless.

Good Ol' Days

Whenever i'm bored.
I start lookin at the calendar.
Moving backwards in time.
Reminiscing the past.
The dates evoke such fond memories.
Bittersweet memories...
Gatherings.
New Year.
Christmas.
Prom.
A Levels.
Mugging together with friends and Haribo.
The times we got to know each other as better friends.
The Drama Night.
All those late night rehearsals.
Not to mention the entire YunQi fiasco.
The lessons we loved, hated, and most of all skipped.

Project Work rubbed the wrong people togther.
Jane and the Kings.
Terry and SuZhen.
Shannon and Jerry.
Pei Yee and Gan.
Come to think of it.
It was nice to note how our differences dissolved.
And we strove together to pull through this ordeal.
In 2004, A2 was a cliqued buncha people.
In 2005, A2 was truly a class.
In 2006, A2 is etched into memories.
We bonded together in our common likes and dislikes.

All the times we shared together as we walk down this memory lane.
Hand in Hand.
It may not have been the most spectacular or exciting of all paths to lead.
But it certainly is the most poignant 2 years, at least for me.
Although i lament our short acquaintance.
I never regret our time together.

The Family Stone is good.
Go for it.

Now, as we move on along the journey of life.
Where Fate (Yes, First Moevere) may take us to diverse places.
All of my friends hold a special place within me.

10 years down the road.
Where would this motley bunch be then?
High fliers?
Executives?
Contented housewives?
Charming bachelors?
Lawyers?
Teachers?
Or down and out?
Only time can tell, and Fate can manipulate.
We'll see in time.

Musical Extravaganza!

It's been a good few days of partyin this holiday season.
Christmas and the New Year.
Clubbing and nights out.
It's been both good and bad.
Havoc is both sense of the word.
It's been a helluva grand finale for a grand year.
And, i thank all my friends for that gift.
It's been a great (and stressful) year i must say.
But it is hardship that moulds the soul.
We've all been through the mill.
And now its time to let our hair down.
For the other guys, dont take it too literally.

Partyin is not the least bit festive without the magical touch of music.
Hah, recently i've begun my love for selected techno.
And some soul.
And other more obscure branches of music.
Techno, partly due to para para.
It ignites the passion for dance.
Invigorating.
Soul is cathartically soothing.
Like Utopia.
Gothic is full of angst.
A perfect stress reliever.

Well. If you guys want any music hosted.
Be sure to send it to me.
I'll have it up in no time.
Finally, well wishes for the whopping new year.
I'm not gonna say "May all your wishes come true"
Cause they almost always never do.
Since you can't bend Fate to your will.
Do the best within your confines.
Strive for all that you desire.
At least you satisfy your own urge.
And not regret.
Life's too wasteful to regret.

Maybe telesurveying and gettin scolded is too much for my brain.
My mind seems caught in a cage.
Apologies for blockiness.
These are the escaping threads of inspiration that light across this blog.

Mothers.

What a way to begin a new year.

Eons have passed

Eons later...

Millenia seems to have passed.
As i whiled away my time.
Disregarding this little cyber alcove of my thoughts.
Already this place is startin to feel rather ancient.
Cyber decay and electronic parasites have made their home.

Hah. Things have settled a little since that frenetic night of frenzy.
About some time to return to reality.
Sadly in this hols, money has become a prime concern.
Particularly due to it being the major holiday season.
There are friendly obligations to fulfil.
Except the means to do so are pretty out of reach.
Presents for a bazillion friends.
That you suddenly wish that you could be some remote hermit for a day.

My days are mundane as far as mundane can get.
Which is a drastic waste of time.
I pray and hope the interviews are successful.
As least an avenue for time spent.
At least its for the good of the economy.....
Okay. That's really lame.
I suppose stayin at home and engaging in mindless cyber slaughter.
Does have a definite effect on accelerating mental atrophy.
Look at where my brains and wits are going.
Oblivion would be an understatement.
Already, i knew this post was decicated to babbling.

While i'm not caught up with choking deadlines in school.
Or participating in mindless ventures.
I suppose there's still that little window of time for some pensiveness.
Perhaps i'm daydreaming.
Somehow it gives my mind a moment's respite with myself.
Which is rarely experienced during the schoolyears.
Yet ponderings allow me to reflect and reminisce.
All the better to treasure the memories.

Humans are the epitome of hubris.
We only learn to treasure that we have lost.
We are short sighted.
We spend time trying to regulate our society.
Yet ironically we fight for free will and freedom of speech.
The governments and the world claim to fight for a better tomorrow.
Yet secretly and discreetly they are exposing loopholes for benefits.
How contrived.

However, our very imperfection is the reason behind our brilliance.
Then again.
Who is to say whether i'm right or wrong.
Who is to make judgement on anything at all?

Ideals are there to inspire not to be goals of acheivement.
As with Utopia.

Whoosh!

Whoosh!

Okay.
It's been a hell of a time.
Prom. Ah.
It was rather interesting to see many schmates dressed up.
When u usually just see most of them in nothing but the brown uniforms.
Hah. At least there are no major fashion faux pas.
Which was rather astonishing.
Food was good. Really.
Though i would have loved to pay that $8 more for a day at Fullerton.
(MJ's prom's at Fullerton. $86)
We all had nice company.
Though the emcee was abit silly.
Cheers to Shannon the Queen.

Hah.
It's been a day of many firsts.
I must say.
Clubbing for instance.
It was... invigorating.
Grants you a different side to everyone.
Enlightening...
Oh well.
Now that is all behind us.
Time to move on.
Now. I need a job to while time away.
Bleah.

What!?

What!?

Part of me can't believe all this is over.
I don't mean only the A Levels
But communal school life.
That is something which we are all leavin behind.
No more will i be studyin in a classroom.
Very much like i used to.
Something which i couldnt care much for.
Dreaded even.
But now, that unending love-hate relationship has ended.
And I am left hanging.
Unsure whether I'm free or just lost...

The classroom...
A place where we hated teachers.
Yet also a place where we all first met.
A place where we did our tiresome work.
Yet also a place where we strived together forging relationships.
Somehow, i can't believe we have just left that all behind.

Free without the trappings of exams.
Lost without the homely feel of school.
A place where we spent our young formative years.
It has left an impression.
A poignant one.
It is a subtle conglomeration of life.
Joys.
Sorrows.
Anger.
Love.
Weariness.
Friendship.
Learning.
Frustrations.
Everything.

Somehow to leave it.
Leaves an emptiness in the depth of my being.
An irreplaceable experience.

Somehow.
I will have to muster my courage to learn the temporal nature of things.
That nothing is ever enduring.
Things are confluxes of change.
Experiences are indelible.
That i will keep.

Denouement or Exhilaration?

Denouement or Exhilaration?

'A' Levels are finally...
Or inevitably over?
That's one of the questions i've been asking.
The stress of the exams are lifted.
Yes. Pressure Release.
At once, everything comes back like a singular stark memory.
As if, all that was before was condensed into one sole...
Moment.
I was reeling.
I wasn't sure what i wanted.
To enjoy what was sought for...
Or to keep myself in that sweet naivete?

Does it matter?
Reality and Time moves independently.
Regardless of our wills.

What can i do?
Wait for the inevitable.
Somehow, i wish that Time would remain in stasis.

*Okay, my thoughts are interrupted by my Mum ranting away at my sis for washing the toilet badly. Damn all that screaming and shouting. Can't write. I'll be back when things have settled. Can't help lazy people. Hopefully she survives. Ciao*