You & I, makes We.

Remember?
You hold my hand tight as we shoulder through the crowd.
I fold my arms against the cold as I walk amidst the bodies.
Nous apprenons francais, in the past.
J'apprend francais, now.
You eat grapes from the bowl with me.
I eat it alone, so bitter it tastes.
You hold me close as,
I hold myself and cry.
You catch my eye that night of silent lights.
I can only search endlessly for those depths to fall into.
You blow me kisses coyly with a wink.
I only wish I could return them now.
You build that sanctuary with me.
I sit lonely in my little corner, insignificant.
You clasp me in such warmth I could not lose.
I cannot wear enough for my heart is cold with pain.
Remember?

Tu me manque...

Time.

They say time would heal all wounds.
Would it get rid of my pining?

It feels like I'm being torn asunder.
I know not what to do...
Please come back and fill this void.
I dont want to forget.

Whatever walks in my heart, walks alone.

What can I say?

My mind was full of you when i heard you fell ill.
Yet you would still deny me.
Leaving you to suffer alone in silence.
You would not let me near...
And I can only see you in pain,
In my minds eye I hurt as much as you do,
And you would still keep me outside the gate.

Outside. Walls.
You would really prefer not to?
I'd prefer not to see the end.

A morning and a message.

"I just want to be left alone"
Don't we all?
Away from the people who misunderstand us?
Yet dont we all?
Secretly yearn for someone to understand us for what we are?
Accept us for what we are?
Love us for what we are?
And let silence do the talking?
I'd do just that and more...

In the dead of the night.

I wonder why in this dead of the night I still cannot fall asleep.
And I find sleepless lost souls adrift here as i am.
Troubles? Work? Or simply insomnia?
Of course we do know insomnia isnt just insomnia in itself is it?
But I really couldnt care less to classify why I'd be up at this god forsaken hour.
I'd just be up simply because I can and I am.

I think theres really nothing much i can say here that hasnt already been exhausted by the great writers throughout the span of history.
Yeah the motif of love will be eternal, but I'm not here to ramble about literature.
Accurate as it is in exposing human nature and concealing it at the same time.
But how do I exorcise your phantom that keeps haunting me so?
Yet even if I could i wouldnt?
Desire is a double edged sword.
For it is eating me from inside out.

Why dost thou haunt me so?
And all I can snatch at are vague mists that disappear by morning's light?
Would you not return to me in flesh and blood?
In form so corporeal, that I can hold again?
The silken hands of sleep enfolds me.
I wish I could surrender to your nether touch like I do with sleep.
I wonder if I would see you?

But oh how can I really sleep but slumber fitfully in half sleep without you?
You... The one that greets me with now no more than an empty smile?

Walls of Silence.

Forgive me dear friends. If I have been distant. There are some things I wish not to burden friends with, or I would start to foster some kind of dependence on that listening ear. No, I shall have to stand alone for this, or I would always be just a snivelling heap in the corner, I will have to learn things the hard way someday.

Sometimes I do reminisce wistfully at the days when I could just stare without a care into the endless starlit skies or just wait out the fleeting sunset in the middle of nowhere, that vast freedom, I would never taste again. I often wonder how I have let myself degrade to become such a weak-willed creature, this sickening cycle seems to be cruelly repeating itself, like some self propagating prophecy of mine. Endless anticipation. Fleeting joy. Only to leave me crushed at the end. Still, I must endure this torture, but sometimes I take leave of my senses, I become half of what I once was, maybe even lesser. A beggar for alms.

No, I do not have the luxury of time. No, I'm not just some attention seeker. No, I am much more than just that. And no, do not give me that knowingly condescending look because you have no idea, no idea at all, of the depth of me.

Yet, I'm to be the hand of mine own destruction, because it has always been the case. I was so blind, so blind. You had lifted the veil, but I had refused to face mine fears and so you left and shut me away into the shadows, leaving me floundering helplessly in that momentary flash.

Seems like I always take the wrong divide in the fork. Know that I would give anything for your guiding hand out of this mire.

Westlife.

Something reminded me of you.
Remember Westlife?
Remember me?

Answer.

Why do i write indeed? Perhaps a need for an outlet, where answers are not easily found I rant for them, in the hopes of them getting heard. Why do i write? Perhaps a need to put intangible emotions into tangible words. Why do i write still? Perhaps it is to bridge that gap that mere voices can never fully express, I have more time to craft each and every single thought, condensed into a word or splashed out in a torrent of an essay. I write to fulfill all these little curiosities of mine and of human nature, as long as our history stretches, we will always remain an enigma to ourselves.

For all of my eloquence, my ardour and my desire, intricately put together as a gift for you. I would be greeted by a wall of silence. Perhaps I was merely being facetious, desperate and cheap, that in reality I do not actually subscribe to the ideals I have painted for you. Perhaps it really is so, that I am changing into something i am not, or maybe i am finally honest and brave enough to bare myself for the worm that i really am.

I can beseech you nothing no longer.

Oh hark! Dost thou not hear the most melancholy bells of irony ringing at the back of my poor little head?

I just keep falling harder all the time.

"Wait for You" Elliot Yamin comes up on my Itouch, of all times, i must admit it knows me well. Yes i dont know what else i can do, dont tell me i ran out of time.... Feels like something right out a soppy drama. But, much as you might scorn the dramas, they do reflect the realities, those heart-wrenching moments that you never thought possible. Well it happens. That much I have attested to.

You are resolute, you stand firm in your decision to put me out of your life, your mind. You are unforgiving, you do not allow me closer than an arms length now. My words were lethal indeed, a double edged sword that cut me as deeply as they seem to have plunged into you. But I'm the weaker one, I succumbed to the pain, while you merely turned away, closed your heart against the pain.

I marvel at you. I'm reduced to a sniveling heap begging your graces, I cried for you and I cried for my folly, from mine eyes where I thought barren of moisture. But with you, somehow something broke the long standing dams. Many times, I fell and I stood up again. All I felt was a dull sense of emptiness, calling to fill a gaping void within, those were the days, when crying seemed nigh impossible for all the hurt I felt. But with you, I realized that all that were before was merely no more than the tip of the iceberg, and you were the start of something wonderful for me, a whole new world of experiences.

An insurmountable task faces me. Ironic, that you wouldn't even grant me a passing glance. All that stands before me is a wall that I cannot seem to climb, and a gate that refuses to open. Is one chance for redemption too much to ask? That I must be condemned for my future mistakes? You have defeated me so utterly... I'm broken.

War within...

Just lyin in bed as I pen this. Listening to some gregorian music I haven't heard in awhile... Lettin it take me away as I drown in days long gone. And questioning every superficial act of mine. Bitter laughter rings deep within full scorn, filled with such sadistic irony.

Oh I've come full circle indeed.

My world was emptied.

I cried. I actually cried...

I'm breathless.

I feel like I've been winded.
I can't breathe.
It feels like an iron gauntlet closed around my chest.
This. Has. Happened. Again.
The pain seems to multiply after every encounter.
I can barely think.
It's my fault.
It has always been.
This. Hurts. Worse. Than. Ever.

It has been awhile...

Yes this has been a long hiatus since i last posted. A great many things have happened within the short span of these few months. I'm just a little overwhelmed. Friends, they have seen my rise and fall. My triumphs and my failures. But few have ever felt or known the frailty of my spirit. So many times, it seems like i've just brought myself back from the edge dealing with it all. Leaving me a husk that i can barely elucidate my thoughts. I just let it all fall away. There is no more want. A desire to share, to make known, to ask for help to take me out of the quagmire, i just let myself sink. Sink into oblivion. Words that i have heard from so long ago seem so far away, like i was a different me.

Yes perhaps you may say that i am emo. That i am weak. That i cannot seem to pull myself from out of this. Even that i accede. Because that flame that used to keep me going has eluded me. Now it is burning me. I know not even what i say or even what i'm referring to. Wait. Are not these sentences so disjointed? Yes. Like shattered fragments of a mirror.

I am daunted. Because your truth and your insistence in the truth of it all is all powerful. All crushing, it brooks no resistance, no 'lies', because all other truths are merely lies because we cannot see eye to eye. In fact I do want to see eye to eye. But you are too blind to see. So blinding is your light of truth. Truth does not need to be proven with facts because it is the truth, hence it is fact. Perhaps it's me. I am not trustworthy. You would sooner believe lies of my scandals than the truth of my innocence. True, that I might not be as innocent as it seems, but, liar? You would know me as a lousy one. Should i ever seek to hoodwink you, it would never rest well with me. But what does all this matter. Does my innocence matter? Does even the truth matter? Does the memories of all that happened before matter? No. Because the wall of your heart is impenetrable, behind that your mind. No words, nor actions, nor even the truths of mine would breach that. I have done all i could. If you should still turn that wall, your back, against my face. If you wouldn't allow me even the slightest chance of my redemption.

Then everything would fade into impermanence. Disappear beneath the ethereal haze. Blown away like sand in the wind. And all that remains is a towering fortress of hatred, pain and darkness. All because you shunned the light of forgiveness.

One that will never be further than the fringes of memory.

The language of skin on skin
A million words, a thousand images
A single near-telepathic sensation
A tangle of limbs
An entity of warmth
An iron brand seared into mind's eye
Gently caressing the roughness of said scar
Every touch a tingle. Every tingle a flash.

Until then I ride the endless meandering river.
A waterfall or the open sea i know not.

Stories of Hagen Daz Ice Cream

What does a tub of Hagen Daz say?
Anticipation?
What does a tub of Hagen Daz left in the freezer for far too long say?
Forgotten?
Or reminiscence?

A long hiatus.

It's been a long hiatus I admit. A little longer than I myself had anticipated or wanted. Suffice to say not everything can be made public, or rather me, comfortable enough for it to be made known.

Many things have of course occurred in this short period. Things and people come and go. I had risen high and sunk low. But things have come to the end of their journey. I need to come to a stop. Time has given me new perspectives. Hopefully Time can heal the hurts that only Time alone can.

Many things change. But friendship to me is a constant that never will.

All good things come to an end.

Alan probably just took off from Changi Airport's Terminal 3 as I pen this. Indeed it is not the length of time that measures the depth of a friendship. It is the memories we share that matter.

He has been our coach, a persistent coach to one of the noobest teams around. Yes, he could have chosen other teams with his skills but he chose us. He pushed us to new heights where we wouldnt have dreamed of. In return, we gave him friendship and trust in a place where he could only find selfishness.

Words are inadequate. Tears are held back. With a stolid wave and a firm hug and pat on the back. A few strangled words. For words come choked with emotion waiting to breach the dams. He turned and took a long look of us, poignant for him, melancholy for us. A step, across the threshold, our worlds separated.

It is time to end the chapter with Alan, and pen our experiences in a new chapter. Life goes on. Albeit without that little bit of joy and laughter and silly things we all so fondly miss. All we have are but shadows.

I've been such an air head.

I'm so sorry for such a blatant breach of trust. I know it's gonna take sometime to get it back. I have no illusions but yes, folly on my part. No excuses. I still feel terrible about it. And will be for a time. I can't apologize enough. I'm not taking this lightly just so you know. I don't wanna risk losing a friendship like yours.

Curses!

Bittersweet

If I tell you
Will you listen?
Will you stay?
Will you be here forever?
Never go away?
Never thought things would change, hold me tight
Please don't say again that you have to go

A bitter thought
I had it all
But I just let it go
Hold your silence
It's so violence since you're gone

All my thoughts are with you forever
'Till the day we'll be back together
I will be waiting for you

If I had told you
You would've listened
You had stayed
You would be here forever
Never went away

It would never have been all the same
All our time what have been in vain
Cause you had to go

The sweetest thought
Had it all
Cause I did let you go
All our moments keep me warm
When you're gone

All my thoughts are with you forever
'Till the day we'll be back together
I will be waiting for you.



How very foolish of me. Dare I blame myself for lettin my heart rule my head? I ride on the crest of every new emotion, but never a captain of my vessel. Merely a willing passenger, waiting to see where this storm or the fair winds would bring me in my voyage.

So i'm unexpectedly mired in a maelstrom. It just seems all too familiar sometimes. I've seen it. I've heard it. I've even come close enough to feel it. And it eludes me again all the same.

"There isn't as much pain in life if you don't let yourself get entangled with others"

"But is that really living?"

I have to make a resolution with myself.

I have been hiding from the truth all along. So pathetically lying to myself about the reality of things. Wallowing in the pit of self pity. Attention seeker. Making my issues everyone else's problem. And just not doing anything to deal with it. Waiting for someone to pick me up. To give myself the illusion that someone actually gives a damn. So weak. So weak. Yes, i'm a self centered little bitch. No the world does not revolve around me. I refused to pick myself up. To open my eyes to see the truth. To acknowledge certain things. I am disgusted with myself. That's why i need to change. I can't have that elevated image of myself. I can't run. I have to deal with it.

The Medal.

It's been awhile. Yes i suppose i'm proud of the medal. After all not many nsfs can say they have one. Albeit some may say it's just a medal, and they just want to get on with their two years and get out, some even resort to anything to escape the inevitable. Yeah, we all chao geng time to time when things get a little over the top. But...

I'm not ashamed to say that i rather enjoyed my 2 years and 9 months in the service, yes there was alot of shit flying around, things i didn't like, people i didn't like, management i didn't like. But life doesn't always agree with you. What some people doesn't realise is that life does not revolve around them, yet they try ways and means to twist everything to their will. Whether they achieve their goals or not, they are the ultimate losers.

This deployment took the most out of me, but it also made the most out of me. It's been awhile since the crew disembarked from the ship at mission's end each walking their own way. But today it was great having everyone back again, familiar faces i used to see all around the ship. Every face has a memory. Each face brings a flash of memory.

Did i deserve this?

Hurt.

Rainy days.

Maybe its the weather. It's so damp and dreary and I can't seem to find that snugness i so often find in my bed in this weather in the past. There's this restlessness i can't quite quell. I can't put my finger to it. Not quite, no. I hate this jobless limbo. Because of it i can't enjoy my time, spendin my money. It's like a leash on my neck. I just want to get out and do something, not wastin my time away at home. Feelin so useless.

Ah another dear friend of mine is leaving again, its barely 2 months since we first met. But fate is as cruel as it is generous. Or perhaps simply above petty human emotions, weaving its intricacies into our lives. Perhaps life is just a grand game of chess, you'll never know, but i digress.

So... where do i go from here? In life and in love.

Changeling.

Just caught Marley and Me on thursday. Yes, its the story of the dog. Actually I saw it more as a story of life. The lives of very ordinary people, with hopes and fears just like we do. I connected with it. Changes come from every direction, some by choice, others unexpected, of course not all favourable. Some of these changes may strike you so quickly in life, that you are just left shell-shocked and numb. But what makes Marley so incredible and heartening is because he is the anchor of the family. Marley is the one and only constant in their whirlwind of change, and many a times when we are left floundering in the wake of change, we only want a pillar of support to hold on to. Marley is just that.

And it was just the 4 of us friends from different walks of life. All sharing the same burning passion for life. Sitting down on the steps, watching the world go by, little stories unfolding in every little corner. Talking about every little thing, joblessness, further studies, the mile high job, sex, job experiences, life stories, fortune telling, the invisible hand of fate, the grand design, life as a whole. And I will have to move on eventually. We talked about goals and what we want in life. Different peoples with different dreams, all taking a different path in life, further studies, moving away to another country, taking a retail job - retail hours, me - bumming my way around.

Once again, i'm struck by the inevitable hands of time. And i gotta pick my ass up and move. And i leave a little bit of me behind.

Why?

Why do i refuse to heed my inner voice all the time?
All the time I've been lying to myself.
Letting all these romantic notions get to my head.
I wont stop until i get myself hurt in the end why?
Because i refuse to see the light.
I cant even believe the speed at which all this is coming back to me.
Why? Because it's always been there just waiting for this time to spring.
I hate myself.
For all of this.
But yes i need this closure.
It's just that i'm too much of a coward to do it myself.
I have been such a fool.
A love fool.

Is there anything new?

Screw the damned fucking recession. You know I never really gave much damn to the whole economy thing but I need a job, badly. Yes, for the money to fund my lifestyle. For the money to fund my uni. And for the job to take me away from this endless monotony of bumming at home with nothing to do, no one to go out with, much less money to spend on going out with. I swear I'm going to lose my mind.

Worse, something that I should have long given up, keeps coming back to my mind, why oh why do you haunt me so? I wish I had the courage to end it for myself. This is merely a hallucination. So real yet incorporeal.

Cynicism and Pain.

It is saddening to see so many people fencing off themselves. Gettin to know someone is like having to climb a wall, a mental barrier. Yet some people hole themselves in mighty fortresses, that none but themselves may enter. I cannot blame them, its simply nature's way of protecting yourself from further harm. Once bitten twice shy eh, how sad. They refuse to trust and love all because they are afraid of being bitten again, hurting again. I just think that if life goes on like that, its just gonna be so bland, always hiding, always shying, always running away, why? Fear.

Life is all too short to be spent hiding away. It's about taking the plunge and discovering, be it good or bad, its something to learn. You might come away scarred, but that should serve as a reminder, not an inhibition to living life.

In this sad reality, we all pay homage to Janus, the two-faced god. One for yourself and one for the world.

I'm high now.

Okay... im still in a woozy kinda mood right now. Just got home from clubbing. You have no idea how tough it is to write these few sentences. Ah well its fun, but thats not the point really.

I wanted to give a review about Changeling, thought it was good to share lest i forget ever so easily.

Changeling the movie starring Angelina Jolie playing a single mother Christine Collins of a 9 year old son, finds him missing after work. Jolie's portrayal of the woeful mother was terribly evocative and raw. We cannot help but empathize with her plight. Visceral and poignant it reminds us of the many things we take for granted, Christine battles overwhelming odds as she faces a corrupt LAPD bent on closing the case by giving her a fake son to generate good media, the LAPD, threatened, locked her up in a psychopathic ward. The story then delves deeper as a serial killer was found to have abducted boys for murder, of which Christine's son Walter could have been killed in. Christine, devastated searched evermore vigorously for the truth, of which she managed to turn the tables to convict the LAPD of shirking their responsibilities.

The story ends when she receives a call about a boy who was found, but it was yet another disappointment as it wasn't her son. That was a powerfully poignant scene that moved the audience to tears. I wouldnt call it a tear-jerker per se. But for those who wish to follow the story, its definitely worth your while.

I'm not a terribly good reviewer, but i'm learning the ropes. I give it 3.5 stars =)

If only you had eyes to see....

Life snaps right back to reality when the magic of booze fades. For a moment under the yoke of alcohol, we all felt vibrant and alive. Different. Elevated. Free. With the chains trailing behind you not wanting to let go.

Love is such a many splendoured thing indeed. Because we all covet it. The unattainable impossible. I'm beginning to wonder if we could really sate our hearts desire after pursuing such an arduous path to love? Would the transaction be as promised? The stuff of magic?

Roses. How apt.

Taken ahold of.

I have rather quaint revelations of life sometimes, as i walk by the streets, watching the life of others go by. Like a muse they grant their inspirational wisdom and depart, silent as they came. Indeed, in my time of dire need for a pillar to hold on to, i'm graced with wonderful friends that appear at my doorstep, much to my surprise. Amazing how uncertainty may not always be a bad thing, a silver lining indeed.

A saying goes, "Live everyday like it is your last", but how many ever truly follow it, much less believe in it. After listening in on a friend's past few years, i cannot but thank the stars for my good fortune. Count your blessings indeed. Yes, life IS unpredictable. I cannot imagine what would become of me if such events occurred on myself. It sparked a quiet fear, a fear that would drive me to explore my life to its limits. Nobody wants to live a life of regrets. Do you?

>.< I read back and i find it preachy don't you? You of all people should know that, too bad i'm not in the writing kinda mood to put it with my usual sardonic flair. Yes, i need that spark to write. So now, i just need sometime to think and reflect. Take some well deserved rest before plunging headlong into the hectic workforce.

Forever Yours.

Fare thee well, little broken heart
Downcast eyes, lifetime loneliness

Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone

Constant longing for the perfect soul
Unwashed scenery forever gone

Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone

No love left in me
No eyes to see the heaven beside me
My time is yet to come
So I'll be forever yours

Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone

No love left in me
No eyes to see the heaven beside me
My time is yet to come
So I'll be forever yours

No love left in me
No eyes to see the heaven beside me
My time is yet to come
So I'll be forever yours

Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone

Whatever walks in my heart

Tarja Turunen - Nightwish.

I wonder why i'm so affected by this lilting melody. Love is like a pheonix, dying and rekindling from its ashes. It is beautiful, and yet painful to bear witness to. How many of such unending cycles must i endure? One too many, too soon.

Everything is moving so quickly.

I guess i'm still feeling a little disoriented. At such a vast change in lifestyle. Not that i'm detesting it, it has its pros and cons. I'm so glad i managed to meet up with most of my close friends, certainly made coming back worth it. But i'm just a little burned out now.

I need to get a job, learn to drive, go to the gym. Seems all rather insignificant yes, but life's little hitches always get in the way somehow. Hence the burnout. I've been wanting to write, but everything comes and goes so quickly i can barely hold on to it. I'm lacking the luxury of time, again. I suppose thats the challenge life presents, finding the right balance of everything.

Damn, the grass is always greener on the other side. As much as i hated waking up early in the morning, pulling my ass off the bed and off to work, seeing everyone there again made my day. Familiar and smiling faces. There's just so much more to it i can't express.

Suddenly it's just 1 more day to the new year of 2009, 2008 seemed to have zoomed by, but it definitely wasn't wasted. I never believed in new year resolutions, only in resolutions made with myself. Somehow the new year ones get forgotten when the festive season is over. Yes, a new year, a new chapter, life never really slows down for you isn't it. Makes you run for it. Like i always believe, there's a duality to all things, yet they are but 2 sides of the same coin. All you have to do is take a closer look, and take a peek on the brighter side.

I wonder what the future has in store?

Jaded.

There is no other word for it. Jaded. The long deployment has done it's job, i'm pretty much close to wasted nearing the end. The wave of tiredness seems to have been anticipating the end to descend on me. Slowly, inexorably we are counting down, but i'm not, i just can't help knowing it's 4 days now, everytime i look at my watch.

4 days. I almost can't believe it. From a deployment that's a hundred over days long, i never once expected it to drop to a single digit. Few people probably even know the multitude of reasons why i chose to come here. Or rather more accurately chosen to extricate myself from my family for awhile. A long while at that.

Now the days are counting themselves down, the 5 hrs cut down to 1. It's like a creeping dread crawling over me. I can't shake off that feeling. I hate it. Everyone's anticipating my return, i appreciate it, but for some reason, i can't bring myself to be enthusiastic about it. It's not that i dont want to come home. I just dont like it. There's just so much, so much bordering on that.

For 4 mths i have been cut off from my closest people, whether by blood or by friendship. I doubt anyone would come close to empathising with me, my angst, my pain, my melancholy. Everything that i have experienced all along. I have been happy, but those were all bittersweet. I'm simply unable to put a word to that ocean of emotions, a potent brew.

I have been thinking alot, just random thoughts, sometimes resolutions i try to fulfil, sometimes of the things i must do. There is a thing i would tell all of you. You will just have to wait till i defeat my inner demons.

A stream of thought.

Loud techno's blasting in my ears, taking that part of me away, dancin to the music, oblivious to all, sadly reality usually isn't the case. I wish i could sometimes cast myself away along. Not exactly thinking about anything in particular, which is weird because usually i have an agenda to talk about here.

Now I'm just taking a break after doing some domestic which has recently just become my primary job here. Takin the time off to blog before lunch at least with a touch of privacy.

Somehow i lack the words to fully elucidate my thoughts and feelings (usually i'm more verbose, but the military does certain things to you which you can never really fully recover from). Sad is just too vague. Melancholy is a little too poetic. Nostalgia is a little too early. I do suppose it's a mix of all that with a little pinch of Aaron, do tell me if they ever come up with a word for that kinda feelin.

So many things were racing through my mind during the graveyard shift last night. Even though i was thoroughly zombified with not sleeping the whole day. So many things i wanted to say, to tell someone, about this little thing and that little whim, and all the little bits of small talk between friends would. But somehow, i was choked. Nothing came forth, as much as i would have loved to. I wonder why myself. Afraid to take the step of uncertainty? Or just taking the safe alternative to extricate myself from further pain, the pain of inevitable separation. Yes, you and i both know that i hate that.

Have you ever had the damned feeling of wanting so much to tell someone something, but having a wall of caution barring your way all of a sudden? That for some reason , you just cannot push past that inner barrier of crossing that threshold. I am stuck somewhere there, neither here nor there. Lost in transit. Caught, held fast. Have you ever had it?

The loud techno is still blaring away on my new sleek Bose earphones, i enjoy the deep and smooth bass tones, i silently sing away to it's ideals, it's fantasies, the other world we go into sometimes to escape. I let myself get carried away for awhile.

Enroute Home.

Yes. You heard me, after aeons out here, i'm finally on my way home. So much memories, so many things and gifts to share, but that will all have to wait till 20th Dec. We have just exited the Area of Ops, and everything went down a notch. The crazy pace that we've been goin at for so long finally relaxed, a little. Still there is a need to keep an eye for pesky pirates not so far from us and mad terrorists in India.

Bahrain was a whirlwind of shopping man, i don't think i've ever done a shopping spree like that, it's no wonder women love shopping, retail therapy works wonders, swiping cards with a flash, i've spent quite alot, of course, lots of gifts included. Most people who read this blog will have a share, a taste of the Middle East =)

It's about 12 days more, I'll be home soon.

It's been a long while

It's been a long while since i had updated, since the beginning of NAG 4, the last quarter of our deployment. Now we are coming to the end. Heading for Bahrain soon, then back home. Many many things have happened over the long course of time and i simply do not know where to start. Many times i find myself caught up in something i wish i was never part of, half the time i'm fighting tooth and nail to free myself. It hasn't been an easy journey, i had never expected it to be easy, this has been a sore test, for me and everyone else, hopefully i'll emerge a stronger person after all this.

I've seen many things, learned many things and i can say for certain, people are never really who they are. It's a scary notion, much as i am loathe to admit it. One can be so easily condemned, forever marked, and despite the best he gives, it can all be twisted with a sly play of words, insinuated against, manipulated, all with a smiling face. It disgusts me. Yet under the curse of Pandora's Box, there still is hope, minute as it is, it's efforts inexorable, i'm thankful i've still friends to lean on, that there's still a glimmer of hope in this grim world.

I'm having alot of mixed feelings, i really enjoy the freedom of sailing, as much as we are confined onboard a ship, lying spread-eagled on the flight deck, with nothing but the clear sky and cold winds, seeing nothing but the endless seas, part of me doesnt want to go home. I want to exult in this freedom longer. It doesnt compare to the freedom back at home, a freedom that is marked by boundaries that constantly shift to strangle. But home calls all the same, the sense of familiarity a warm fuzzy feeling, of friends and family, familiar places and the roots of my life.

Wednesday 1017H 03.12.08

It is officially the last day in the Northern Arabian Gulf (NAG), the last few hours we'll ever see of the oil platforms, the coalition warships, the tugs bumming about and the constant activity that we are here for, everyday 24/7. Suddenly there is a sudden sense of loss, of emptiness, a loss of purpose and direction, and i'm left floundering and bereft. I simply can't help this melancholy. Such bittersweet memories. We have come so far for so long, for a moment i thought it would never end. But i delude myself, all good things come to an end, don't they. It's the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. Honestly, i'm a little intimidated by the big unknown ahead. Strange what time does to you, no? It's a scary and exciting thought. Time is one thing i cannot fight and hope to win.

-When reality fades into memory...-

I sail. Through the crests and the troughs.

We are on to the last part of our deployment today. We are leaving harbour soon as i type this entry. Soon we will be on watch again. Alot of things have happened since the start of our deployment, but i'm just gonna let things go and begin anew. I'm not hoping for time to pass quickly, i'm just hoping i can experience everything fully. Soon, we will be heading home, soon...

The Desert Tour.

After bumming around in the Middle East, land of the rich Arabic cultures, i could hardly have missed out on the desert tour. If you were expecting the mystic stuff and tents and desert trekking and everything else you see in pictures, you couldn't be more wrong. But the real thing was close enough, most importantly, REAL enough.

We arrived around early evening, so we could escape the afternoon blaze and the scorching sandstorms, we visited a camel farm sort of, which consisted of nothing more than a few run down shacks and animal pens. The whole place stank of animal excrement, you couldnt walk and NOT step on anything. Cam-whoring sessions begin.

The sun begins to set and it casts a golden hue upon the crested dunes. The desert is like a sea of sand, the dunes like endless waves upon the endless desert, the dune peaks catch the light of the setting sun and casts them across the desert. The desert shimmers.

Soon we were boarding our 4 wheeled drives and we proceed for dune-bashing. Which is like having a roller coaster ride among the dunes. Oh the yelling. I couldnt say more. The sun glows red, settle atop a high dune to catch the sunset. Cam-whoring, yet again. We collected some sand for souvenirs, then proceeded to the desert encampment for dinner.

There was camel riding available, but i didnt ride. Those poor beasts look so miserable and they were whining and making all sorts of noises after being made to repeatedly stand and kneel to ferry people. One gave a particularly loud noise when one of the horizontally challenged tourists mounted it, albeit with much difficulty, and grunting.

Dinner was arabic buffet and bbq meats, all spread out on carpets laid on the sand, with firm cushions and a low tablet. I can't decide if i wanted to sit on the carpet or the sand, except that the sand had the tendency to get into nasty places. There was booze and some furious belly dancing, culminating with most of us dancing on the stage with her. And that was that.

Now. 1838H 19.11.08

Just had a very spicy dinner. We are sailing towards our area of ops again. Can't exactly put what i'm feeling into words. But suffice to say it's a large spectrum from the worst to the best. I just hope i don't swing around too much. Now, i'll just let the days flow me by.

A dark maelstorm.

Thursday 1600H 13.11.08

We have just arrived at harbour in Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates. It's been a long long journey, and till date 3/4 of our deployment has been completed, been lots of ups and downs, hasn't all been smooth sailing. But, I've come a long way, and I'll be home soon. It's alot of mixed feelings really, and i'm pretty ambivalent about it all. As much as I enjoy being out here and all, home calls to me all the same. And i wonder how will i deal with it at crunch time.

In restrospect. Some excerpts.

Wednesday 1707H 12.11.08

We had a confrontation. A gunner and I. It was a long time since i had shouted. It was ugly. He had accused me of sleeping on the job. Insisted. Saying I was being watched reading. That i was a BLACK SHEEP. That riled me. He casts aspersions upon me on the comms. Shattering the credibility i've been trying so hard to rebuild. Yte part of what he said had been true, it feels rotten to be second rate after all this while, i just didnt need someone to rub salt into my wounds all the time.

It then occured to me that i was being so naive. So stupid, so useless, no more worth than my occasional sarcasm. Acting all self-congratulatory to make myself feel better, about things that dont matter. What a small person I am. Self centred. Mindless. Yet i had exploded and lashed out with all my vindictiveness and angst. Feeling so myopic in the end. At the same time, i had felt so discredited and belittled by his remarks. Having doubt cast on me. That made it all the harder to clear my name. I hated everything he said. Even if it were part truth, that i had been a letdown. I had thought too highly of myself, thinking myself immune or above all these machinations.

The confrontation had made it worse. Suddenly i felt so alone, all eyes on me. Doubting me. I wonder what had become of me. I was astounded. He hit home a point. I would never have tolerated my behaviour on someone else. How could i bear to tolerate it on myself?

I had been so blind.
All is quiet.
All alone.
I need time.
The fire has faded.
And all i have is regret.

Wednesday. 1902H 12.11.08

What a poison that festers in my heart. I'm so miserable, so useless, so unwanted. And i'm helpless against it. It makes me so wretched, I'm disgusted with myself. I have been discredited, for a few mishaps, a victim of circumstances, yet i had done nothing but pushed blame aside. Hardly what i expected of myself as an adult.

I had fought tooth and nail to get where i am. But it appears i lack the mental fortitude to pull through. So weak like a willow in the wind. How will i survive the harsh reality, when i will not place the blame elsewhere but myself. Indeed, i am the black sheep. I abhor that word. It is vile. How did it all come to this?

Thursday 0504H 13.11.08

How do you pen down a maelstorm of thought? It hurt so much when those words were said. Had i myself not tried? Was i not disappointed with myself for being beneath my juniors? Yet i could not fault the things being said. All the more painful when i realised that. How did it feel for me to be left in the dark, oblivious to everything, being the last to know?

Even so, it ate at my self esteem, that i'm the weak link for so long, the weakest link, and acting like a fool of it. Abandoned, unwanted, thrash, a pain in the ass. Is that what i am? It felt like everyone was watching me with jaundiced eyes. Just putting up a front in my face.

That thought left me cold, alone and my mind shattered.

What must i do now? What CAN i do?

It's so cold.

Yep, i have been away for awhile, time's just a little tight here. We are now about halfway done, halfway more to go. The weather has changed, drastically. It's a measly 20 degrees even in the day, which was just now, the sky was overcast and it actually rained a heavy drizzle. Packed with chilling winds that make everything worse.
'
Thats all for the updates, i can't bear to put my mind thru anymore stress rigth after a mind and body numbing 4 hr watch.

what is this?

it's a cold sunday morning onboard the ship at 1 am. i'm in the training room where all the vsat facilities are, bathed in the warm glow of the lights, alone in the corner, blogging. there are 2 other people on the phone, happy in their own little conversations, their own world, we ignore each other. i hear footsteps and happy-racous beer-drunk voices, someone invites me to a drinking bout, i politely but firmly rejected it. i ensconce myself away, for awhile at least i try. privacy and solitude are such rare commodities here.

it's around 6 in singapore where it's still shrouded in darkness and everyone's snug asleep on the weekend, glad to be away from work. and i'm so alone. as such i wish there were someone to talk to, anyone. but no one's awake.

i'm so sick, so tired, so irritated. i just happened to lose my camera in Doha, in some cab. so easily replaceable with some money. why do i care? not replaceable are everything else that i beheld with mine own eyes. those are the precious things, all those things i took are part of my memories, losing it is like having amnesia, for the pictures taken from someone else are not taken from mine eyes. they are not mine. i might as well take them off the net.

so many things have happened, my phone died on the first day, i have to keep contending with some people i can't avoid, people who are out to make life difficult for me, people whose minds have no rein over their mouths, mouths that spit poison but pretend it to be playful banter, words that deliver stinging slaps not in the name of playful verbal sparring, out to hurt whether of ignorance or sheer viciousness i know not, also there are people that are insensitive, doing things to inconvenience the whole lot, people who use their rank and position to the fullest in the most condescending manner possible, people who are arrogant that i happen to share the mess with. and i had to lose the most tangible form of memories to ignorance on my part due to fatigue, who can i blame but myself?

i really really wonder if i can contend with this any further.

and i am helpless to do anything but hide away.

i wonder if i might implode.

i wonder what else i might lose?

The Trial by Tobasco.

And the tale begins on the fateful eve of my 21st birthday. The navy is known for the crazy things people do when the ship crosses the equator. My 21st birthday is merely a glimpse of that.

Hah, it began well enough, the clock struck 12, SG time while we were on watch. Bravo Watch counted down and sang me a birthday song on the comms net. Which was very nice. Before i was done thanking them, i hear evil laughter. And yes i'll be in for a hell of a ride.

Sure enough, i was dumped into a swill bin, luckily for me the bag was already sealed, but that did not exclude the smell and the leaks. Summarily, in my mess, i was tackled, pinned, tied, bound, stripped. Then come the stuff.

Markers, feng you, and lastly TOBASCO. All in the wrong places where the sun dont shine. Then dragged into the toilet for a thorough drenching and toilet brushing, though it did little to help the burning which for a moment i thought someone doused my nether regions with flammables and set them afire. The fire raged for half and hour. Water and soap did little to help.

After they were done with me, the real fun began. By that i mean collateral damage. LaiHock, ChongYee, August, Bernard, Samuel all got roped in. The toilet was a mess of water, coke, sprite, soap, and tobasco sauce.

Well that was that for my 21st. I will need some time to reflect.

P.S. Tobasco is EVIL.

So many things. Too little time. The Irony of it all.

Well, according to someone who decided to do some maths, we apparently have 67 more days out at sea before we arrive back in Singapore waters, Changi Naval Base. I wonder if it's a good or bad thing. I actually have loads to share for the past few days when i've been out of touch due to work and fatigue, but now right after a 4 hour watch, my mind's quite numbed and empty.

Ah bugger, i'll just give a brief rundown. On monday, i was given the opportunity to cross deck to HMS Lancaster, thats even after i didnt get picked in the ballot, its coz my Ops Officer was nice enough to give up his spot for me. Naturally i was rather excited after all i'm gonna be visiting an English Warship. So we were all prepared and waiting at the tank deck for the RHIB to arrive and pick us up, right when we were gonna board, the RHIB could only take 6 and i was the last min 7th insert, so i was taken out. Disappointed yes, turns out there was some miscomm, some other officer took the spot my OpsO gave to me. Oh well. Too bad. Get over it. But everyone else who heard about it came to comfort me, made me feel better, not that i felt very bad in the first place but yeah, i appreciated it. Guess what i lost in some aspects i gained in others.

The very next day, i was TOLD to go for cross deck to USCG Aquidneck, a coast guard patrol vessel. This time i did go. It was quite the experience, the officers and crew were very hospitable and accomodating, i'm quite taken aback by how so many people can live in such small spaces, but it's quite a capable vessel despite the size and age. Managed to get myself a ball cap in exchange for some of my stuff.

So that's the gist of it all.

This is for Kelvin

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be, the last of life, for which the first was made
(Robert Browning)

Thank you for the drinks
Thank you for the fun
Thank you and you, and you.

Thank you for all the letters
Thank you for the dinners
Thank you, and you and you.

Thank you for being there
Thank you for being everywhere
Thank you to you, and you and you.

Thank you for the help
Thank you for the advice
Thank you for being nice.

Thank you for msn
Thank you for all these times
Thank you, all of you.

Thank you for the kind words
The encouragement
Thank you, and you and all of you.

Thank you for the good times
Thank you for the care
Thank you for
You;
And for more Thank Yous.

Credits

And a Big Thank You to Dear Suzie for letting me have this, I owe you =)

Dubai : The High Life.

Enough about the drab and dull of downtown Dubai. It's time for me to fill you in about the glitz and glamour of uptown Dubai. Clearly seen the oil money has not gone down the drain and it has put that so much opulent use, good or bad, or ugly, so long as it entertains.

The first place we visited was the Mall of the Emirates, easily the largest mall i've seen dwarfing even our VivoCity, it's range of goods are near limitless, boasting the largest Carrefour franchise, say about twice the size we have in Singapore. I think it's the first i've seen a whole jetski on sale in a department store, the kind you would die to own (for me at least). A Grand Turismo cockpit to boot, the kind you actually sit inside to drive. Ski Dubai is also inside, it's like a huge snow park. It's probably Paragon and everything else on Orchard Road in one building plus a Snow City.

Next we visited Wild Wadi, it's an immense water theme park, very extravagant for a country where rain only comes for a week in a year. Of course the rides were equally extravagant. There was a reverse water slide where you get launched upslope by powerful jets of water, its like a water course around the whole theme park. The age old wave pool, the kiddy park with the huge water bucket. There's also a surfing place where you can try surfing against wave jets. Lastly a 7 storey high water slide which is the highlight of the place, i'd admit its quite daunting, somehow i still managed some balls for it, i'd consider it the 3rd crazy ride of my life, 2 of which in Korea. I just remember a sickening drop and lots of water in my face before exploding in a flurry of water.

Did i mention? Wild Wadi also overlooks the Dubai icon, the 7 star hotel, the Burj Al Arab. It was dazzling in the evening dusk, sitting on a lone island in its pearly whites, draped with golden hues, as the skies settled into twilight, the tower glows alive. We took pictures of the whole City from the 7 storey slide tower. From the Central Mosque to the Tallest Building and still under construction, cant remember the name, to the Burj Al Arab of course.

Okay, i'm supposed to end with something but i forgot. Sailing again tmr, oh the boredom!

A new day has come.

It's my last day in Dubai and we are on duty today. Dubai is indeed a place with sights to see, us guys in Mess 5 sure did have loads of silly beer games and drinking fun onboard ship. Suffice to say we are well rest, physically to say the least.

But for some reason my mind can't stop.

Soon we'll be departing for NAG 2 duties and it's no surprise why i'm starting to dread it. Everyone's startin to get on edge, they are snappier, get angry easier, the officers start to question and allocate blame and responsibilities. The effects are starting to show on the people below, they are frustrated, agitated, complaining about things and people they normally would just ignore.

I tell you, the ship is chock full with dynamite just waiting for the right moment. And it's scary to watch the timebomb tick down. So much friction, i hope it doesnt create too much sparks. I must say it's rather depressing to watch.

Am i tired or is it something else?

I wonder what's come over me, i wonder if it's just my duty yesterday, that i just finshed cleaning arms or is it something else entirely that i can't put my finger on. All is well, we are in Dubai now, but theres nothing more interesting than that.

Indeed true when people say the grass is always greener on the other side, it is for me anyhow, i'm missing alot of things, not feeling ecstatic, or feeling anything in particular, it's probably nothing at all in the first place.

So numb.

And i don't know what to do.

October 3rd. London.

Yes, now i know why pee misundestood my , or rather she interpreted it in a way i didn't mean it to, or i'm too blind to see it myself. Indeed, i have been rather steeped in the cyber world, so much so that sometimes i forget people close to me. And in retrospect, the italics seem so childish, i'm ashamed of myself. Finally, now that i'm here, i cherish that which i have lost. Now that it's been a month, i realise what matters. Really, the was a superflous bunch of verbose crap. Maybe coz i was half asleep. I was just forcing myself to think, i wasn't really feeling.

Why October 3rd. London?

Why, it's obviously not me.

Why, it's one of my closest friend.

I hadn't realised that his departure would mean so much. His being at home in Singapore gives my some assurance here, that i would have someone to talk to, to listen to me whatever the issue, to encourage me whatever it is. Now that he's going to leave, i feel somewhat uprooted and cast adrift without an anchor of stability.

Yes, i admit sometimes i'd take advantage of him as an emotional dumping ground. And i feel guilty that i have nothing more to offer than words.

We've known each other for close to 11 years now, it's always been a comforting presence, there's a sense of emptiness there, now that he's leaving, a certain void. You may think i'm exaggerating, perhaps. But, it pains me beyond words to not be able to say goodbye. Probably numbs the effect that i'm not even there, i'm just gonna have to acknowledge that. And that, will take some getting used to.

Recollections from the Gulf

Well, now that we've gotten used to the duty watch system means i'm gettin bored on watch. So i was just randomly thinking up stuff to keep awake, to prevent my Chief from picking on me, even though nothing i do will stop it. I'll just have to get over it, though i know it's pissing my ass off. I try.

So indeed the below are the what i managed to come up with over 2 watches.





In the wind I stand.
Under the blanket of stars.
The watch never tires.



Land aloft the sea.
A bird does not lay its eggs.
Liquid gold it hides.



There are eyes everywhere.
Watching. Or scanning.
There are lights everywhere.
Illuminating. Or searching.
There are dhows everywhere.
Fishing. Or waiting.


A cold moonless night
The gunmetal cover of darkness

Lazy sunbeams peek through the shades.
I lay ensconced in a world of dreams.

My world is a vivid green haze.
Lights of faerie fire dance wildly.

Awake, I reconnect my consciousness to the world.
Graceful, I skim the web like a playful sprite.

Captured as blips on the radar.
Like bugs in a web.

Unfettered, I walk the cyber pathways.
Enchanted, I enter the portal of fantasy.

Invisible chatter zoom from ship to ship.
Calm or agitated, yet all fast and furious.

I command Hermes at my fingertips.
Engaging strangers, engaging friends.

Sharks secure the barricade like weary watchdogs.
A mine, a fount of black liquid gold.

A wicked rhythmn snares my soul.
And I surrender my sensibilities for a night.

A chopper roars overhead.
Reluctant, I leave my trance.


Enjoy,

There lies a question.

Someone talked to me today

Him: So you extended your service for one year?
Me: Yeah, i already pushed back my studies for a year?
Him: Really? That's stupid
Me: silence

He had no idea, no idea how much i went through just to get my sad ass here. And now that we are all fighting that mental battle within ourselves when things get tough, this just had to sink it.

Not that i blame him, i just hate that sickening feeling, yeah simply because he's ignorant or inconsiderate, or just tired when certain things slipped his mouth for that matter.

And right at the time when i'm beginning to wonder if i made the right choice, i began to question myself, i felt doubt poison my mind. There is still a long way more to go. This is only the beginning.

It didn't hit me at first, then after awhile, the creep infested my mind. Vile and revolting. I don't remember feeling so poisonous in a long while. For a sick, sick moment, I relished the feeling. Then cast it away.

Things your mind do to you in a cage of a ship.

Oh, I saw dolphins the other day.
Loads of em.
For some reason, they don't really excite me to tell the tale anymore.

The Beginning of the End.

Alas, our tour of Bahrain has come to an end. It has been a good stay, wonderful food. Spent loads on merchandise. Like USD 115 Oakleys, a watch and a whole lot of other stuff. So far things have been going well, just that our departure has been delayed somewhat due to some issues, so we get to stay longer and that means spending more money, sigh.

On a more sombre note, this is just a reflection of what just happened, no details, just go figure.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

That has always been a touchy subject in the forces. Punishments are imposed immediately upon any breach of such. I understand it being discipline, but overdoing it makes us look pompous.

Down from the lowliest of the low to the king of kings, honestly, paying of such compliments being demanded as the law cheapens its intended purpose of paying respects, it simply becomes an aesthetic gesture.

I dont see how a senior officer should demand compliments more than a junior officer should. After all, who we are saluting is the President who bestowed the rank upon the officer and not the officer himself. Regarding the seniority of the officer it should be reflected in the behaviour of one interacting with said officer and not purely in the gesture of an empty salute or bland greeting.

Ultimately, respect needs to be earned and not given purely by virtue of one's rank or establishment, it's more of working to earn that respect due you. It's rather depressing that a some people are still subscribing to such a superficial mentality.

A senior officer demanding compliments VS a senior specialist who works to earn said respect.

I'll give it to the one who earns it.

A foreign land

A foreign land.
A land scarred barren with a khaki blanket.
A scorching and stifling land.

Welcome to Naval Support Activity Bahrain (NSA).
A U.S.N Military Base in Bahrain.

Hola to all of you.
I've just landed my first toes on Bahraini land yesterday. Things have been crazy, so has the satellite. Apologies for no calls and no emails and no updates. I'll bring you up to speed. We arrived in Bahrain yesterday, we've already been in her waters for quite awhile, just that port clearance took eons and Arabs are usually more liberal with their time.

Anyway, the weather here SUCKS. Singapore is PARADISE. One day we were sailing and the night winds were chilling, the very next day it was like sailing into a heatwave. I often wonder how i managed to survive under my helmet and anti-flash gear for so long, its a constant 38 - 42 degrees here. It's hot hot HOT!

So far it's my second day of liberty, the first day wasn't much cause most shops were closed when we arrived, and it is Ramadan period now, so that means fasting from sunrise till sunset. Bahrain will revive again after sunset. So now, i'm actually inside the U.S encampment NSA, it's sorta like a R&R area for the military, and the only place alive in Bahrain during Ramadan. Gonna go out and explore Bahrain soon, it's almost sunset. Gonna look for decent oakleys, cause the heat is ridiculous.

Hikari

Lights. If i had the time. If i had the luxury. I would gladly write a poem in awe of nature's beauty like dear Coleridge would. I miss poetry. Yes, i have seen the endless seas. Yes, i have witnessed brilliant sunrises and sunsets. Yes, i have stood through the misty rains. And yes, i have seen the sky painted with stars.

But tonight was different. I saw lights in the ocean. Little blips of blue green orbs, everywhere. It was like fireflies, in the ocean. And as the ship plows through the ocean, majestic waves white waves are thrown side to side. As the crests of the waves break, it bursts into life with a bright luminscent glow, as if burning as brightly as it can before it expires into nothingness.

And there i stood, utterly mesmerised, i simply stared, and admired the naked beauty of nature. It was as if the ship was sailing on a bed of stars, ruffling them as we go by, like we are sailing through the skies... No words are adequate description.

Did i mention we saw whales? And flyin fish skittering across the ocean? A story for another day =)

Lost at sea.

So many things are goin on now at this time. I'll admit i'm in quite a mess. Watch duties are due in about 8hrs time. The official watch duties are comin in soon. I managed to get into youtube somehow. Listenin to Paige Williams - So Much More.

It's gettin hectic. Drills. Gunnery work. Watch duties. Stress. It's all takin a toll. And it's only like 8 days? I've lost track of time. Things are really gonna go up one notch now. I'm not broken yet. Not by a long shot. No. It's just that ... I can't place it, it's so many things that i'm feelin. Yeah, i'm missing the life back in Singapore.

Perhaps i just need more sea breeze to blow it all off. Bask in the moonlight and a sea of stars.

Anyway, we'll be calling to port in Bahrain soon, can't say much about it, hope it's gonna be fun, yeah, i can't wait to get off the ship. The routineness is really gettin to everyone, it's pretty scary to see sparks fly from the most unexpected of people. I pray i'm not one of those.

So many things are reminding me of so many other things, it's like a jab of heartache every now and then. There's that nagging feeling at the back of my head, i just can't put my finger on...

Listenin to Disturbia

Rihanna's my best friend this trip man. I'm hooked, i'm listenin to her at every turn. Hah, as i said before the sea is indeed gettin alot worse now. People really can't stand still heh. I just had firing the day before, it was alright. I think it's really all about managing stress and confidence. Somehow the firing tested my nerves, how i must be able to pin it down when needed and not fumble on the job, coz if i fumble, it's not just my life at stake... That is a chilling thought. So i guess i'll take this time before we begin proper to prepare.

It's been almost 5 days, it's the 5th day now. No, homesickness hasn't kicked it yet, not for a long shot, but tempers are already flaring, fuses are burnt. It's scary, but it's cold hard reality and it tests us and most importantly myself to be able to handle it. Be it calming the related people or takin someone else's wrath. It's chilling how primal us humans can get when it comes to the basest of our emotions.

I should prolly get going. It's dog watch now.

The High Seas

The floor is never stable onboard a ship, now i know what that means. And its gonna get worse, might have been fun for the moment but not when u start to feel a little top heavy in the HEAD department. Yeah, i'm missing everyone back home, missing all the crazy things we used to do. It might be a little quick for all these homesick talk, but if i don't say it now, i might not have a chance to use the coms when EVERYONE else starts feelin homesick, which is like a hundred over other people.

Otherwise its been a good sail. The open sea sparks of freedom, such pure unadulterated freedom. It's rather ironic that we are stuck onboard a ship... I shall share some nice expressions of sunrises and sunsets if i see some and put them in words as best as i can, coz i can't do any media transfer here...

Now, its about time for dinner. And i'm drained.

What a day.

Okay. The last lines are cast off and we are finally off. I know i've been emo-ing alot to friends lately, and i know that i will be able to handle it when the moment i'm on it. Yeah, it's kind of like going through an emotional void, i'm not feeling anything, not overtly much anyway, kinda numb. Maybe it's a mental self defensive shut down mechanism.

Yeah its a pretty fucked up way to start a day, drunk and hangovers and whatnot. Nevertheless, i enjoyed it, till the point my memory became moot anyway. So that's what being dead drunk is like. Oblivion. Yeah, thats the word. The next thing i knew, my handphone was in a pail of water with my pants and vomit. Wonderful. So pardon me for not being to say last minute goodbyes, part of the reason why i'm feelin so fucked up.

So, i'm floating on the ocean somewhere, praying my drowned phone will be revived soon, it's like losing a part of me, so many people i wanna call to talk to but i can't. I can't use facebook, friendster, or web messenger, youtube too. So my primary means of communication would be emails, blogging, and calling. Sigh... my handphone.....

The 21st Bash!

What can i say? It was a roaring success. I would just like to thank everyone who made the effort to come, it really made a difference to me. I could not have asked for more. To the raccoons, you are most loved, I totally dig that photo biography of me, of my life with you guys 'thus far', and i just want to give you guys credit for taking on such an ardous task, special thanks to Kelvin.

A2, you are not forgotten as well, this is including Wan Jin as well who came. I humbly thank you guys for your choice picks on books, that filled up my personal library onboard and saves me the mind-boggling hassle of rummaging through a bookstore for such wonderful literature. And that moleskine notebook was perfect, simply perfect. Cheers to whoever came up with that, i couldn't think of a better gift for myself.

To the last survivors of sedet1, meaning those who still remember the meaning behind 'sedet1', i wasn't really expecting you guys, but you proved me wrong, you proved that our spirit endures... It's really heartening to me, and it says that i made the right choice in going for OBO V. I can't say how wonderful it is to see you guys after so long. Thank you.

Slow down.

Wait. Listenin to muttons to midnight when i'm feelin rotten doesn't seem to help, i think it makes it worse, but the music is good, just not the djs. It felt so painful to be cooped up at home instead of catchin up with close friends during my last 2 weeks before i depart, especially since i'm on leave. It's not that i'm blaming them or anything... things simply are as they are.

I didn't expect the journey along to be this painful or stressful... So many things to do, so many undone. I'm simply not on it. Everything seems to have lost its flavour, I'm not sure if i'm prepared for my birthday celebration. When i ask myself why i'm doing this. All i hear is an empty echo, not an answer.

I'm not ready. I don't know what to do.

Suddenly i'm so alone.

The stars are misaligned.

Oh wonderful. I got caught for my cam phone. I got 4 extras. And the coxswain's gonna make me declare it to the ship's company tmr morning. O! Reputation! Reputation! Reputation! Not to me, but to my mother unit.

What. Bad. Luck.

Back from sailing

Sailing has been exhausting really. As it has always been, but its different this time. There are things bugging me, on my mind, and it was never my forte getting them out. I realise i'm being really cryptic. But these unsettling feelings are equally cryptic to me. It's as if my body is feeling my emotions before my mind can comprehend them. That drives me crazy. I'm really confused with what i really want now. And i want to stop and take a breather. What do i really want, for this life? And time just moves irrevocably on. It's like pushing against a moving wall, inexorably pushing you, whether towards your destined path, or your predetermined doom. Time is such an insidious element. It's almost downright wicked. And i want it to stop, so much. I really need a breather. And ask myself my heart's desire.

I Blog?

Wow, i just remembered i used to have a blog and sometimes how cathartic it is. But mostly i just can't be bothered to pen my thoughts, cathartic as the process maybe. Wait. Catharsis? I barely remember the meaning of that word. Wait. Emotional release. Yes. That just came to mind. My brain is like a stock market exchange, thoughts fly in and out like money does, it comes in settles for a minute then leaves and i can't remember whit after that. So blogging becomes a business where i sit and stare at the screen waiting to my fingers to dance over the keyboard, which they never do now.

I may have paid a price too dear to extend my service. Steeped in crude language, colloqialism and the occasional dry comms lingo. I've lost my tongue, sharp or not. I wonder to myself if i'm up to the task of taking English as my major again. It's like a silent gnawing fear of not being up to par. Nonetheless, i have to stow that fear away for another day. Because the deployment is around the corner. Gotta get psyched.

Sometimes i think saying that i've been too busy to blog is a lie. I've kept away too many things, like little devils trapped in a Pandora's Box, one day that box might explode. Perhaps i should take some time to compose myself (and my writing).

So anyway, i will be sailing off tmr and next week again for a few more sea checks before we are declared ready for ops. I may have been excited, now i'm rather nervous. Of what's gonna come ahead and what time i have to prepare for it. I try to push it aside and enjoy life for the moment, kinda like living on edge now. Maybe, its because i have to get mandatory insurance, sign a will and all those morbid talk of blood and gore.

Living on edge. I rather like it. Though not very healthy for my wallet. But for once, i dont feel so chained anymore.

Lastly, for those who survived reading, congratulations if you didnt mute your speakers. I put the song to irritate ppl =P It's so fun planting earworms if you get what i mean.

Irritating things.

Blogging as requested by the gang. I wonder how i subconsciously manage to trot up so many blonde points. Albeit some are done as a joke of the moment but have been taken into account as a 'blonde moment' sadly, and i'm not allowed a defense to clear my name. So if you really must refer to me as a 'blonde' i suppose you may.

Buffets can be such a pain sometime. Gosh, stuffing ourselves like pigs to get that money's worth. I suggest French minimalist cuisine, that's more forgiving on the stomach, not on the fat content though. No doubt, we had fun at Settlers with many a memorable moments like "Hinny" and "Vow" and Ra's incessant table slamming. But the Ra-Fiesta has yet to end.... As we shall see.

I honestly think that the road transport system needs a major overhaul. Something must be done about those OBSCENE rush hour traffic. Its like a 2 min wait at EVERY traffic light junction. Highways become snailways. Inconsiderate drivers. Singapore is having a daily gridlock during rush hours. I see a LONG line of empty cabs lining up to enter a shopping mall. Hoarding the entire first lane, choking the carpark exit. Wonderful idea really if you ask me.

Buses coming at weird intervals. The next bus comes in 9 mins, the following? 11 mins. And it can be soooo irritating when the bus is about to leave some middle aged lady come tottering on her heels flagging the bus, just as she gets on, the door closes, the driver turns away, another flustered looking student comes running flagging down the bus thats about to leave. And the bus stops again. All this coupled with a gridlock in a stuffy bus stop with bus exhaust fumes caressing your face, is enough to make my blood boil. And the poor bus drivers have no choice but to wait with an exasperated look on their faces lest they face complaints from whiny Singaporeans.

Of course, such commuters can be bad, but there are worse. The inconsiderate devils on the buses behaving with what i call lousy bus etiquette. You are asked to move to the back of the bus so more people can board. But for inconvenience sake some in fact most wish to cluster-fuck at the door leaving a gaping chasm at the rear of the bus. On at the routine behest of the bus captain to "Move to the rear" only then will these people shuffle their butts backward. It's a waste of your time and everyone else's time. Stupid.

Just as i was getting home this evening, i was on a bus home, due to a lack of seating. Many passengers had to stand, though not to the extent of packed sardines. I noticed this girl who firmly planted herself in front of the door, passengers had to squeeze past her to get to the back where theres more space, i was wondering why she didnt move, so... it seems that she's on the phone, so i thought maybe she was gettin off soon like in a stop or two. It so happens the i was on svc 88 from amk hub to bishan, so its quite a few stops. And this woman never budged a step even till the bus reached bishan, i waited i thought she was going to get down, she was oblivious to the world except her handphone, hence i had to unceremoniously push past her, squeezing as much as i can to get through. Gives a whole new meaning to the term door bitch.

Last but not the least are the bus drivers. I wonder where their driving license came from, an alien planet? This usually happens at traffic light junctions or slow moving traffic. They engage the engine, move a metre or so then jam the brakes. Move abit then jam the brakes, they have to know they arent driving a car, it's a bus with people. This is the worst when the bus is packed during rush hours, everyone mashes to the back as it moves then jerks forward as it brakes. Not only does it make for an unpleasant riding experience, it's also a hazard for people, falling down, getting mashed etc.

So far, this has been Aaron on the road transport system for the day, thank you for your rapt attention.

Now tag or bugger off.

And the word is out.

Alas! I have been confirmed for OBO. The struggle with the pes status issue has been cleared albeit a little late. Instead of how one door closes another opens, one worry subsides and another surfaces. Now is the issue of deferring my matriculation into NTU, yet another problem to plague me. How frustrating bureaucracy can be, its red tape heaven everywhere. Now if you would allow me some time to fuss....

the 100th post

Hah. Decided to give it the centurion name for this post because, well... Kinda reached the point in life where its time to direct your path ahead. Part of the reason why i'm forced to come here is because WoW is down for maintenance and freaking facebook is pissing me off, least to say i've had a bad day.

It's about time to update a little about my life. Close friends I've already told you about my decision, and i have received a plethora of varied reactions from the passive to the explosive. So instead of going through the pain of tellin you one by one and await possible tongue lashing. I'd just like to say I have extended my NS service for awhile. I might be participating in an overseas mission in the Gulf region from the period of August till December.

Why i say might is because nothing has been cast in stone yet, except for the fact that i'm on voluntary extension of service till May 11. Due to the fact that i fractured my left arm last March, i have been downgraded, and i need to be combat fit to be eligible for this mission. BUT, the imcompetent medical board, seems to be highly inefficient in processing that. Something that should have been decided on months ago. Damn the stupid organization and it's red tape.

And please, stop bombarding me with questions demanding why i made such a decision. It's not just grating, it's even bordering on disrespecting me and my decision. All i ask is for your support and not your advice.

So now, i have no idea what lies ahead, mission or education? Staying in the husk of what's left of my platoon, only to learn that nostalgia is a bittersweet feeling. Nothing more substantial than that. Hanging on to fraying threads.

Really, whats worse than being stuck in the doldrums of time, not moving at all. It's got me so weary and jaded, with nothing to work toward, everyday an unliving farce. I have not the strength to do what i need to do, face what i need to face. Maybe i'm just lazy, maybe i just need a spark somewhere.

O.R.D

I never thought I would see this day coming. I mean I got so used to seeing people leave. I never thought I would leave myself. It's almost surreal when I took back my Pink I/C. Remembering the day i relinquished it on that scrubby island in that scrubby Ulysses Coy for the GreenCard. And so the story that began on that little island ended in Changi Naval Base not too far south...

It was just 2 years ago when i had relinquished my I/C on tekong in that auditorium unknowingly. All the feelings that accompanied me when i first set foot on that island, i felt i could collapse from over-feeling. Of course, this whole new life isn't something one gets acquainted to overnight, i meant all the incessant, nonsensical shouting of course. I couldn't fathom how a human with intelligence could stoop so low, suffice to say what's being done acheives its objectives in a crude manner. SO, i did make friends in BMT, one has to, to survive. I could remember the myriad types of people we have, even though it was a JC platoon.

We had the slackers. The Bastards. The clueless. The only-PHD-beng. The aristocrats. The silent ones. The gossipy ones. The one-who-can't-sing-for-nuts. The chao-geng kia. The cheena-types and so many more... Of course there were some nice moments and those downright dirty ones when people quarreled or played stupid political games behind the scenes (being a JC platoon, nothing was too blatant).

Most of us survived through BMT, meaning 24km route march, battle inoculation, and 7 day field camp. Somehow we made it, nothing beats the POP parade for us even though it was rainin and all on the ominous day of 060606, we felt proud as we passed-out of the accursed (aka haunted) island.

A few days later, i received posting orders as a Naval Combat Systems Operator @ RSS Panglima, Changi Naval Base. Thinking that a whole new world other than the crappy army has been opened up, i was rather pleased. Yet, somehow i was cheated being told that there weren't enough vacancies and was reposted to another unit, something called 'Sea Soldiers' silly if u ask me. Thinkin that i was gonna be doing army stuff again filled me with gloom.

Before that however, i went through a 3 mth training course, a rather shiong one if i may say, because i managed to get almost a silver (due to my lousy SBJ) from a fail. Finally, i got posted to Changi Defence Squadron, Sea Defence Team 1, aka SEDET 1, a truly unforgettable platoon. We kinda stuck through everything together except for a one or two bad eggs, and fyi bad eggs don't thrive very well in Sedet 1, it wasn't a place for dirty backstabbing, it's was confrontation, suffice to say that solves most problems. We had fun of course, we were a rather tight knit somewhat 'elitist' bunch among the other sedets riddled with problems, conflicts and whatnot, we were just a happy-go-lucky bunch. Which was all very good for 6 mths.

I had a stupid accident, all because i was over-enthusiastic over a sepak tekraw game where i broke and dislocated my left arm. I was MIA for about 3 months. In the process of which i also became the butt of jokes for my arm, i had a metal piece to join my broken bones so, go figure. When i came back at long last. Things were not what they were, CDS was on the verge of a monumental reshuffle, in the midst of dirty politicking, silly feuds and standing up for what we deserved, SEDET 1 was a victim and was no more broken and split and melted into the other 2 platoons. It was a period of adjustment and depression, even though we were all still in the same unit, i still missed them, being absorbed into the other platoons meant that we were 2nd class citizens. Things went on for awhile and we grew numb.

Now, that i have somewhat assimilated myself into the new platoon, replete with underground dealings, dirty backstabbing, ugly politicking, snide remarks and jokes. I got sick of it. I settled myself down with people i trust at my station where i was the I/C and made my stand. That made life bearable even with the disgusting 7 day duty cycle implemented. I recreated what i could of my previous platoon and survived.

Being in the navy has opened my eyes to the world, i've done crazy things that i actaully enjoy, seen foreign navies the world over, gone onboard an american aircraft carrier, taken numerous J-turns, and actually did an activation even though i wasn't qualified. What matters most - poignant memories.

Now... i'm just waiting while i reminisce.

My blog is so underused.

I just realised i've been posting alot less than i should. Making use of this space for its intended purposes, to share, to laugh or to simply vent. I have been feeling alot lately. Then again i always do, during 7D especially when theres nothing else to do except duty, sleep and watch tv. Pretty much a monotonous duty cycle every other week. Now that the realisation that i'm going to ORD is looming around the corner, i wonder what i really should be feeling? Elation? Anxiety? Or anticipation on what's to come?

At this point of time i realised that i've again drawing close to the conclusion of this chapter in my life. And i wonder if i have actually made the most of this time. Or rather am i ready to dot the full-stop to this story? So many things have happened, its bittersweet recalling those poignant moments. I was just talkin to a few of my platoon mates yesterday, just sharing and reminiscing the times, laughing and lamenting the changes these 2 years have wrought. That brought tears brimming.

The realisation that i'm again taken away from a place so familiar, so memorable shakes me to the core of my being. Half of me can't wait to leave, the other half refuses to budge a milimeter. I am unsure where my path in life will lead, i am afraid to take that step. All the friendship, the laughter, the suffering, everything that makes us human, diminished, as i am thrust out into cold reality.

It's so tiring having to construct these walls to protect yourself again, after leaving yourself to the trust of familiar people.

Somehow, i'm not complaining after last week's duty, because i understand these people as friends.

AnnYeonHaseyo from Korea!

Well looks like I haven't been around for sometime. Owing to bad temper due to sickening duty schedules that took away my Christmas, and is going to take away my Chinese New Year too. Simply cannot wait to be free of this bondage. I'm not sayin that its bad or anything, its just that the duty cycle is somewhat demanding, burning holidays along with it just isnt helping.

But on a lighter note, I did have some fun in the 8 days Korea trip (which i better have because its all expenses paid by me!) We (as in me and 5 friends) visited loads of places, did tons of sightseeing and of course being total cam-whores. HA. Chief of those sightseeing locations were notably Jeju Island, home of many natural wonders, also our first very exciting contact with snow, ice, wadever. Which degraded our intellect to that of 10 year olds, playing around like fools. We visited an extinct volcano overlooking the sea, rushing up to the summit to take in the breathaking view of the vegetated caldera and the open ocean where stray sunrays blazed through the thin cloud cover. (I'll try to post the pictures online.) Dropped by the teddy bear museum where everything possible is 'bearified'.

Of course, the food was wonderous. BBQ pork, beef, chicken. Bibimbap. Seaweed. Ginseng Chicken and all. Visited Everland and Lotte World amusement parks. Took the craziest rides of my life. Aka the Gyro Drop and the Gyro Swing. Gosh. I couldnt even scream in time. Those are things you only take once. And i mean ONCE.

I seem to realise that the Koreans have wonderful skin and perfect eyesight, other than the fact that they have small eyes, but wow perfect skin! You could say its the Face Shop that they have, maybe its their healthy foodie culture, or perhaps its the ginseng overdose they have. I don't know but they have skin to die for, if you are looking for a skin graft, appeal for Korean Skin.

I also noticed that they are very environmentally friendly at heart. They try their best to limit the damage tourists do to natural attractions, so that even fragile environments like corals are maintained well (that was in our submarine ride underwater.) They use metal utensils and chopsticks. They charge for every bag you use when you buy stuff, and offer boxing services with large purchases where you can stuff your stuff into used cartons. Very interesting culture.

Did you know that their history is so wrought with war and more war that their greeting 'AnnYeonHaseyo' literally means 'How are you faring?' (Did your husband die in war? Was your wife taken focibly? Are your children well?) It's now used as a blanket greeting for Good morning, afternoon, evening and farewells.

Now if you would leave me to do my photo collating. Check out facebook for more photos =)

Control Freak.

"Why did you let people home like that?"
"Why did you only have instant noodles for lunch?"
"Why did you not tell me?"

God. Why this? Why that. Why everything. And it is revolting that she knows everything. EVERYTHING. sickening. because i never said anything. silence.

It's about time.

About time after such a long hiatus that i regain some semblance of my life. Rein in that 'fuck-care' attitude, instead of letting everything flow through my open hands like water. It was completely mind-numbing, I was wallowing in emptiness.

I felt horrible at missing Eugene's birthday, so lost to the world that I couldnt even manage a 'Happy Birthday Sms' felt like an ass after that. Sent a half hearted one later. I didn't feel like a close friend at all. What was wrong with me? Am i so cut off i don't even bother? Or do i resolve to push blame aside.?

I was living on edge (literally at the edge of Singapore), everything was so disconnected to me that i snap back to reality in vague trances. Oblivious to all. Running away from my fears, yet i cannot escape the nightmares that haunt me so. Such rare times of serenity - stolen from me. Ghastly portents glimpsed from a macabre angle.

This is such a farce of a life.

Reconnect. Aaron.

An Insight.

It is just sad how some people forget so easily.
I guess i cannot blame if people have moved on.
It is just sad how things change sometimes.
And being victims of such change, can be rather bitter.

Stopping myself and having a good look around.
Stopping myself and remembering.
I wish i was back with the Edward Becheras Choir, singing my heart out again.
I wish i was back performing my all with the NYDC.
I wish i was back in school with my friends again.
I wish i was back with my BMT friends.
I wish that SEDET 1 was back together again.

And i wish we had the good old days again.

Awash.

Every single person is a polar entity, at least in the emotional sense. Where one is shown the other is hidden, unknown to anyone, sometimes not even to oneself. Very much like Mother Theresa who often spoke of utter spiritual darkness in her solitary letters.

How do i begin? I dont even know. All the thoughts awash in some maelstorm.

'What are you doing? Why have you sealed yourself away?'
i said nothing
'Why are you doing this? You don't even talk at all. Not even during mealtimes.'
i am not saying anything
'The more you do this, the more worried i get.'
I can take care of myself, there's no need to get worried.
'I am worried because you don't even tell me anything.'
That's because you ask too much
'Precisely because i care'
I remain silent
'You don't realise how worried and anxious i am?'
Can you stop probing?
And give me some privacy?

And the debate goes on... I'm not even listening anymore.
Oh if she would stop asking and leave me be.
She doesn't have to know everything.
She isn't leading my life.
Surely she realises i must have some modicum of privacy.

There are just so many things that cannot be said.
Ignorance is bliss no?
Then maybe without the stress of opening up.
My walls would slowly melt away.

And then i realise, such a rift may last forever. She being who she is, duty-bound to give, and never receive. It pains me as much as it pains her. We are all doing what we do to keep us from harm, and all the good that has done is conjure a wall of silence, with muffled pleas at the other end which i try to ignore, and yet still reverberate with such bitter sentiments in me.

It's inexplicable.
Because she's my mother.

I hate it.

I wish i had the miraculous gift to express myself clearly through my words. Everything's like flying in and out of my head like some giant info interchange, but nothing stays, and i'm grasping at random thoughts, when strung together, sound like absolute incoherent gibberish. In the end, i look stoopid.

How do i spend my time?

Inside of Me

I don't understand. Life can get so complicated, such a delicate thing to manuvre through. A misstep can mean disaster. My thoughts are going completely wild now. There seems to always be a mountain of things to accomplish, and when it weighs down on me that i may never finish them, the crushing sense of failure is overwhelming. No. I'm not just talkin about worklife, of the limitless workload. But of everything else, friends i have not met in ages, seeking to relive the old days while my schedule is vehemently against it. And i sit helplessly waitin for the memories to go stale. When time has washed away everything, all we will be are mere acquaintances.

Had the feeling of making a to-do list?
-Gonna meet friends from a long time ago
-Find some personal time
-Slow down and find connect with someone
-Follow a fitness regime

Yet that to do list often fades away into nothingness.
Then all i have is a sense of here and now.
Only a sense of presence with no sense of direction.

Desire so strong it consumes me inside out. Because i know ultimately the desires for everything are nothing but empty wants. And i am left a husk.

Overwhelmed by a society so fake i just wanna hide away and find some truth.
Maternal love that could stifle and suffocate me, yes i want to hide away.
Yet so alone in this abyss, i want some company.
A living dichotomy.
Would you listen? Open your heart to listen?

All too soon.

I've lived my life leaving alot of things unsaid.
Which is part of the reason why this blog is up.
A voice of my inner thoughts.
That i do not elucidate.

All too many times i kept quiet when i ought to speak.
And speak only superficially when advice is needed.
Say foolish things when i ought to be silent.

Fiddling around with nothing to do at the wake.
Because of my childishly myopic sister.
And because the day was coming to an end.
People were leaving, few were left.
Not knowing i drifted to my grandma's side.

And i was just thinkin.
All the Christian services goin on for 3 days.
I hadn't really paid much heed.
Nor were there much tears.
I suppose the realisation hasn't really come yet.
Somehow assured by her physical presence in the room.
As if she were here with us.

And i hear the pastor say...
Even though she isn't here with us this day, talking with us, doing with us the things she usually does, we can rest assured she has returned to her heavenly home with God.
And i think...
She's still around isn't she.
She isn't gone.
Funny how we shallow people focus so much on the material.

And i was just looking at her not long ago.
Thinkin...
She's gonna be gone tomorrow.
Cremated to ashes.
And all i have are memories.
Then when she is wrenched away.

...

Orbiturary.

In loving memory of my grandmother who passed into the next world on this very day at 0710H at Singapore General Hospital

May she find solace in heaven.

And sanctuary in God's love.

She will be fondly remembered.

Spectrum Tower

Or the RHIBS station as it is now known as.
Was a place of many memories.
With much joy and much sadness they leave.
An accursed place, yet filled with the warmth of many friends.

Seems like we were all back to ye ol'days yesterday.
Somewhat an old gathering of sorts.
A last visit by 2 ORD personnel at the station.
Reliving the times with us all.
We chatted, we reminisced, we remembered.
And hopefully that would all remain.

"Flames to dust Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?"

Much as there was joy there.
There was an undercurrent of loss.
We were all wishing for time to freeze.
That sunset would never come.
And people would never leave.

It was a simple parting.
A silent one.
A heavily worded 'Bye'
And a poignant moment when they walked...
Down the long wharf.
Eyes never leaving waiting for them to turn and wave again.
Till they were lost in sight.

Silence.
A moment to return to our time with them.
A moment to get over it.

Sunset.
Piped down.
A velvety darkness swept across the last blazing fires.
A blanket of stars dotted the nightsky.
Like tears sparkling.

Out in the ocean.
On a little dinghy.
I got lost in the blanket of stars.
Nothing else but pinpricks of lights across my eyes.

A brief streak of brillaint shimmering blue caught my eye.
Burning into nothingness in the space of a moment.
And i made a wish that would never come true.

I am just not up to it.

Just got back to camp recently.
Everything feels so alien now.
Regarded with questioning looks from unknown people.
News of all the things to happen hanging on my shoulders.
The stress of dealing with it all.
The pain and sadness of dealing with separation.

Most of my seniors have alr ORDed by the time im back.
Back in time to have another dinner gathering with my PS.
Back in time to witness the last moments of the sedet.
Before the team gets split into the other 2 plts.
The implementation of the 7Duty system.

It was said to be a dialogue.
Turns out more to be a directive briefing on the 7D system.

Just came to realise i missed out so much these past months.
You could say i'm lucky that i was on MC for so long.
Though i'd much rather have spent more time together.
The realisation of the loss came rather abruptly.

Everyone's left.
What's remaining - Split.
And me, relegated to a lonely station.
With people i don't know.
Or know only too well negatively speaking.
Very much alone.
Without hp reception underground.
I was just left hanging.

The place i've only just come to know.
I can't wait to get out.
The road that lies ahead?
I know not what.
I'm no callous person that can chuck all this out of mind.
It would be some time before i find my place again.

Home? Refuge? Cage?

Home is sanctuary for the weary traveller.
Home is a cage for the restless adventurer.
This home keeps harm out.
This home reins freedom in.

I'm so tired of this.
Perhaps im being selfish.
Yet, dont we all wish to selfish, insolent, wilful.
Most importantly free at this age.
This golden prime?
All too well to go to waste playing the sitting duck.
Whiling the time away.
When can i be let free?
To do what i want?
To face what i need to face.
To emerge from this protective shell?
To take some responsibility.
To face the music.

Oh please. Let me be.

Such fine practiced liars. All.

Don't ask me why.
You know I know.
That its a daily, constant ritual that we lie to ourselves.
Such as this society demands now.
Day after day.
Month after month.
Year after year.
Secrets. Pain.
And all those that can only be kept to oneself.
Not publicised.

One moment, we relive our pain. Memories and reminisce.
Snap.
We are back to 'reality' where such saddening things have no place.
And invite nothing but scorn and disdain.
Perhaps ignorance is preferred over outright dislike.
But who knows what brews behind peoples' appearances.
I cannot decide which being the lesser 'evil'.

Perhaps that's the price of life and of happiness.
Whats joy with no pain?
Perhaps we have to drag along this baggage to feel somewhat alive.
In this ever numbing world.
Perhaps, its not so bad after all.

What is it that im lookin for?

Damn. What is this void within that aches to be filled? So empty and hollowed out. For all my wit and intelligence that is all but eroded away by time and monotony. I still cry out. I can't wait to rip this straitjacket off me. I am screaming my lungs out. My mind is dead, gone is that verbose flair, gone is that vitality that lights within. I am a husk of my previous self. Why does it have to be this way? Akin to being lashed to the mast on a ship in the primal fury of the worst storm. Lashed by needles of rain, chilled by the wind that cuts to the bone. Why? Damn.

One-armed jack.

it's been a long time since i was last here to indulge in catharsis. silly me broke me arm 2 days ago in camp, playin (or tryin to play) sepak tekraw no less... yeah it seems like an act of ultimate stupidity, some say ultimate blondeness, it maybe a joke gone wrong, and im havin people laughin like clowns no doubt. i didn't want this and i don't need your sarcasm into my mix of misery. infirm, useless and helpless. i thank all who visited me and those who sent their warmest regards. to hell with those who took it as a comical act gone wrong.

i know CDS is now havin low strength difficulties and i'm sorry to add on to it, we all hate gettin activated, my apologies... as to my plt, i'll be missin them dearly, won't be able to see ssc7 guys for long. damn this. sigh. missin out on so much...

I am lost.

Home is no refuge.
Home is alien to me.
Everything is, except my little breached sanctuary.

I am afraid.
I don't want to be entrapped.
I want my silence.
I want to be free.