Jaded.

There is no other word for it. Jaded. The long deployment has done it's job, i'm pretty much close to wasted nearing the end. The wave of tiredness seems to have been anticipating the end to descend on me. Slowly, inexorably we are counting down, but i'm not, i just can't help knowing it's 4 days now, everytime i look at my watch.

4 days. I almost can't believe it. From a deployment that's a hundred over days long, i never once expected it to drop to a single digit. Few people probably even know the multitude of reasons why i chose to come here. Or rather more accurately chosen to extricate myself from my family for awhile. A long while at that.

Now the days are counting themselves down, the 5 hrs cut down to 1. It's like a creeping dread crawling over me. I can't shake off that feeling. I hate it. Everyone's anticipating my return, i appreciate it, but for some reason, i can't bring myself to be enthusiastic about it. It's not that i dont want to come home. I just dont like it. There's just so much, so much bordering on that.

For 4 mths i have been cut off from my closest people, whether by blood or by friendship. I doubt anyone would come close to empathising with me, my angst, my pain, my melancholy. Everything that i have experienced all along. I have been happy, but those were all bittersweet. I'm simply unable to put a word to that ocean of emotions, a potent brew.

I have been thinking alot, just random thoughts, sometimes resolutions i try to fulfil, sometimes of the things i must do. There is a thing i would tell all of you. You will just have to wait till i defeat my inner demons.