All that vindictive angst. Where goes it?

Accuse me of whatever you like, tell me i'm whining. Nothing's new, i'm already so used to being downtrodden by peoples' unsensitive comments and casting their criticisms, and yes, i'm not sure if my defenses will hold. I'm crumbling from within, even as i post this my heart and mind are exploring a million possibilities about how trashy a person i am.

I'm not in the heart for these things anymore. Go ahead whine to me about how bad your NS life is because yours can't get any worse... So tell me, what's new? Maybe i shouldnt really be taking this on such a sombre note but please, knowing what i'm goin through, be careful where you aim your verbal daggers, no matter how unknowingly and heedlessly tossed in my direction.

Perhaps i'm breaking at the stress of all this, and i'm probably sullying my own pathetic image further by waxing lyrical about my myriad of miseries. Yeah it probably couldnt get worse than that.

All seems happy and jovial where i am, but i sense a deep jadedness within everyone, morale is say... inexistant. And daily i trudge through this waist-depth of shit. Uncertain of when my next little bubble of fresh air might come from, uncertain of my book outs. Because anytime, those accursed officers take all liberties available to thrust our heads into the crap all over again. Like torturers twisting the law as their leash around us. I'm beginning to wonder when i'll suffocate.

And yes, thank you Kelvin. I'm blessed to have you as a friend. It gave me a measure of hope, a little flame to keep me warm, a soothing lullaby in the cold nights, a little assurance in a simple sms. And no, you don't have to feel guilt, empathy is all i need as my pillars, you have given me so much more. Perhaps the sky isn't gonna collapse today, perhaps the world aint so bitter after all.

Remember that Greek myth? It all rings true now... When Pandora's Box was unraveled, all the worlds miseries and sorrows escaped to plague the earth, but underneath all that was a little thing called Hope. So maybe.. Just maybe... It's wings brushed across my grievious heart...

Tempestous.

I wonder what came over me today. This sudden deluge of negativity and rejection awash, I feel so poisoned, vehement, almost afire. Slowing down to think and ponder calmed me somewhat. I simply desire solitude. Is that a gift, a freedom so difficult to grant? Everyday i live simply saps upon my already limited and strained sanity, i fear i may snap. Everytime i come back into the real world, it seems as though i just phased out from a vacumn, everything is so fucking routine. I finish my damned duty, book out for the night, come back home to be fawned upon like some little twit, fussing over every little thing, then i wake up the next accursed morning, heading back to camp to renew this dreadful cycle. Sometimes i dont even get home. I scream to nothingness, where is my personal space and liberty that i held so dear. Now it is so forcefully wrested from me, while i could do nothing. I have to go home and face the irate sister who's pissed because she's using my things. What bitter.. bitter irony. And i am deposed from my room, no more than a visitor, acting to the whims of a little brat. Because why, i'm not even sure if i live here anymore. What's mine has become but another illusion.

Where is my personal space? It doesn't exist anymore, it has been plundered, invaded, raped. Sometimes i just want out of this world. Just me, myself and i, alone in my quiet contemplations, now where has that gone? That, along with my social life went out of the window months ago. How did i survive this long? I don't want to have to come homw to face a grumpy sister in my room, complaining, whining... GOD! NO WHINING! Find it no different from a dumpster downstairs, completely unrecognisable, nearly uninhabitable. My personal space... Obliterated. Just like that. Privacy, space, peace... Where are all that now? When can i be spared the ceaseless questionings, neverending fusses coming from her stream of consciousness. Sadly no different from a fly buzzing in my ears. I am no kid. I want none of it no more. Cohabit with an adult, not fuss over a little boy. Give me space and quiet.

My mind is a blank right now, a vacumn ready to implode anytime. Dont spark it.

Empty. Empty. Empty.
So hollow the heart that thunders.

Friends are a divine gift.

Today. Was a heaven sent gift.

One of the few times i truly ever treasured the space of a day. We had a rather empty morning, nothing much other than fatigue work, but when it dawned upon us that our Sgt Jonathan had begged to let us have a nights off today was more than enough to set our spirits alight. More importantly, we will be running together with Tuas Defence Squadron. Guys from the previous Sea Soldier Course - my coursemates. It was a tender and warm reunion, i could not stifle an excited wave at all of em, least to say hasten to see my best buds since i dunno when.

The mood was jovial, it was great to see them again, who knows when would be our next chance... Exchanged many interesting anecdotes and pieces of random gossip, lots of fun and laughter. So many feelings that were felt were almost tangible in the air, it was thick with emotion, something that was expressed with glittering eyes and knowing smiles rather than said with words no matter how beautifully crafted. Words don't really matter when hearts connect.

Ran 5km along the surrounding of the Macritchie Reservoir Park, tagged along with Gabz and Jem and an occasional Sgt Wen Jie hollering in our ears and finally knocked himself on a railing. Me and Gabz were quite proud of ourselves for besting a number of NDU personnel on the run. Heh. Even though their competetive teams still made a rather clean swipe of most of the prizes leaving bits for the rest to pick. All in all a good run. Running with SWO again, reminiscent of our many AGRs. Ah memories.

Prata for dinner. Night Snack (Darrell) was re-christened Snack Monster or Snack Champ or wadever for giving me a food related answer to a lan related question.
We had lan, i owned for 2 games. Lost on my last. Would have prolly won had not been for Joel, damned Bloodseeker and also to a very fat WeeMing (Centaur). Dang. I wanna rematch!

Now... I'm back home missin all of you guys already. See you guys soon. Pray we don't kena extras

I walk again down my destined path..

It has been a week.
Where i felt so much.
Sorrow for the loss of friends.
Joy for the subtle blessings bestowed upon.
A kind of peace we all share.
A sense of camaraderie invisibly felt and appreciated.

Well... being an OJT ain't as bad as i imagined. Everyone has been helpful in guidin all of us along. Or rather, all of us realise the need to stand together in the face of the EVIL CO. Hah.. Strength in numbers i suppose, everyone has banded together to cover another's asses. Covert ops undercover heh. It's gratifying i suppose, as much as we all do not condone the CO's actions, it sorta brought everyone to stand beneath one banner. I'm sure we all appreciate the little things our superiors do for us, everyone of them except dear CO of course.

The very appointment, invoke his name and a flurry of hushed whispers follow, perhaps he isn't wrong, but he certainly cannot empathise or force us to produce a standard beyond our greatest means.

Forget the depressing stuff. I still miss my dear friends in Tuas from time to time, memories from Panglima blip across my thoughts sometimes, whether it brings a smile to my lips or a tear to my eye i'm still rather mixed. Time here runs by its own rules. I guess i'm simply numbed, time just sorta disappears before my very eyes, I need some revitalising... I'm broken.

A period on another chapter.

This feels as if i'm writing my life as i live it. And as this day comes to an inevitable end. I'm writing my final conclusions to this chapter, and finally i rest my pen on a full-stop. I recall the past times where i HAD to put my pen down and write a new chapter, part of me refuses to flip that page, so ironically light, it is beyond me to flip it.

And so now, i reminisce my conclusions.

Damn. Why does it have to be so? To make friends and lose them? My spirits dulled significantly nearing the end of course. The fact that we were gonna pass out soon did nothing to lift that dreary mood, that ominous feeling i've been dreading all the time. When it's time for us to move on. When we suddenly notice time is at our asses, sweeping us along...

All that time we've come to appreciate and love of everyone's beloved company, that we've taken for granted, has come back with a vicious vengeance of hurt and separation. Friends that have a place in my heart, and taken to were torn away, by a difference of just 1 offending letter, 'T'DS or 'C'DS. Revolting how such words carry such power.

It felt almost like judgement day when Course Comm was reading the posting order. Finally the verdict announced, and i am given exile.

It is cruel how this world works. Moving along at it's precise and clockwork manner with absolutely no regard for the fragility of human relations. Oh please... Do not lament the increasing lack of warmth in people, or the astounding superficiality some people are capable of now, because we are too shallow in our handling of relations, people are chucked here and there simply because they are needed by the system. Humans are not clockwork robots. We barely even have enough time to live life properly, decently. This is so lamentable...

I swear, i did everything in my power to hold my dams... I was tearing. FUCK this. WHY?

Livin my life.

Was just thinkin. Yeah, sometimes i blank out alot, lost in my wolrd of thoughts. Thinking of so many things to get myself distracted from all the boredom, from all the brainless things i do in camp. I figured i needed to keep my mind perked, lest i become a walking zombie in this 2 years, or so i fear. All that sophistication, lost to mindless, unquestioning obedience. Distasteful.

As i was thinkin. I thought many things. I thought of - what next? After all this... I wish time would all slow down. It feels like we are on some roller coaster ride of life. Exhilaratingly short. If it would only slow down to a walk in paradise, enjoying, savouring every moment with close friends and family to walk with you. A sense of undying support and true inner joy, which cannot be obtained through superficial means. If only life today was as fulfilling. We probably would not be such shallow adults nowadays, seeking out our selfish wants, sometimes with such blind ardour it is almost machiavellian. That turns the essence of human nature into an empty husk.

I have lived a good 18 years. Not long, but it's given and taken from me alot. Friends have been bestowed upon, only to be taken away by circumstances, becoming no more than a roadside acquaintance, sometimes cheapened to be used as a means to an ends. People whom i've toiled with, endured hardship with, a bond of friendship taking form, only to be ripped apart by the contraints of time and space. This world is selfish, while we are mere puppets to be puppeteered or chess pieces manuvered to fulfil an unknown plan.

Wouldn't it be just wonderful to have a beautiful ending like 'Big Fish'?

Vibrations in the air - emotions coporealized.

I am not a critical writer.
Thus, I am not a good one.
Not in GP at least.
I write what's true to me.
What's within me that's screaming to be heard.
As writers of old have done.
Only to leave us to decipher the myriads of mysteries interwoven.

Let's not banter further more on that subject.
Rhythmic. Harmonic. Vibrations. Music.
The uplifting power of it astounds.
I just realised i've ignored it for more than i should.
Music resonates in the human soul.
It's the core of spirituality.
One of the few things that has survived through human history.
It's universal.
It communicates not in words, in meanings.
But in the emotions songs evoke.
Hope. Melancholy. Vindictiveness. Angst.
It's a medium beyond words. Beyond language.
Wider. Deeper. Expanding our sphere of communications.

On a more personal level.
Music touches my heart.
Not just in a passing liking.
But a more intimate connection that invites me into that world.
A world woven with the magic of music within the mind.
A utopian harmony achieved - however momentarily.
Music trancends words.
Music is the realm where i've found solace.
Where i can cast myself adrift to bask in it's caressing embrace.

Below are the few songs that caught my heart.
Let it wash over you.
Music never dies.
Unless one is deaf to it.

MoonLight Shadow

The last that ever she saw him, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
He passed on worried and warning, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
Lost in a riddle that Saturday night, far away on the other side,
he was caught in the middle of a desperate fight, and she couldn't find how to push through.

The trees that whisper in the evening, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
Sing the song of sorrow and grieving, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
All she saw was a silhouette of a gun, far away on the other side,
He was shot six times by a man on the run, and she couldn't find how to push through.

I stay, I pray, I see you in heaven far away.
I stay, I pray, I see you in heaven one day.

Four a.m. in the morning, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
I watched your vision forming, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
Star was glowin' in a silvery night, far away on the other side,
Will you come to talk to me this night, but she couldn't find how to push through.

I stay, I pray, I see you in heaven far away,
I stay, I pray, I see you in heaven one day.

Cought in the middle of hunger and fire
The knife was heavy and so was the life
She couldnt find hoe to push through, carried away by a moonlight shadow
OOOOOHHHHH.


God is a Girl

Remembering me, discover and see,
All over the world, she's known as a girl,
To those who are free, their minds shall be key,
Forgotten as the past, 'cause history will last.

God is a girl, wherever you are,
Do you believe it, can you receive it?
God is a girl, whatever you say,
Do you believe it, can you receive it?
God is a girl, however you live,
Do you believe it, can you receive it?
God is a girl, she's only a girl,
Do you believe it, can you receive it?


She wants to shine, forever in time,
She is so driven, she's always mine,
Clearly and free, she wants you to be,
A part of the future, a girl like me,
There is a sky, illuminating us,
Someone is out there, that we truly trust,
There is a rainbow, for you and me,
A beautiful sunrise, eternally.

Quellin that bitch.

Yeah I've got the Monday Blues...
I've become obsessive.
So obsessed with spending my time well.
Yet ironically, i'm screwin it up for me and everyone else.
Snappin at everyone tryin to loop a leash over my neck.
While i thrashed like a rabid animal.
Becoming an uncontrollable and brooding tempest.
Incapable of mirth.
Incapable of joy.
Caged, with arms outstretched between the bars.
Seekin to keep the sands of time from flowing between my fingers.

Much as i would like to accept gaiety with open arms and an open heart, yet there seems to be something keepin me from it. Until i finally accept myself within the confines of a box. I have steeled my heart, unable to trust except for the truest friends but even so, some veil seems to drape over all of that. Friends are my pillar of support, overly so i guess, that being trapped and kept from them, havin so little time to spend with them is makin me fall apart at the seams. Yet, ironically, i feel as if im pushing them further away, to avoid the pain, only to fall harder.

All that angst culminating into a tempest.
Forgive me for my mistakes.

Thursday. 20/07/06. 10:47a.m.

Seems like this week in camp has many interesting anecdotes to document. Partly also because i'm tryin to keep myself awake in the midst of a dreary lecture by an old warrant officer.

Wee Calixtus Ashley aka Cactus.
Weird. Not that i had anything against his name, but such a flamboyant name is destined to attract attention. He is one MAJOR oddball who questions everything commanders say. Defies general orders, does the silliest things to get 8 confinements and counting... Posseses an eternal Mona Lisa smile on his face, sometimes he laughs heartily to nothing at all when he is alone on the corridor - Enigmatic in a sense because no one can fathom why. Question: What IS so funny?

Okay, before i fall into a permanent cryogenic slumber. I try to dredge up more lame antic by our IC of the week. All hail - Yong Chen.

Please pardon my candidness. Just last week, whilst swimming in the pool, he was spitting water like a pig faced Merlion while holding to his slack-floats after the swim cat test. I can only implore you to imagine the utter idiocy of the situation. My words are only limited an extent. Of course, as an IC he never fails to wayang, although in the most unconvincing manner.
'Eh! Guys! Do your drills properly' The next line killed it.
'Eh! Image arh! Image! Navy BMT coming' ...
Nevertheless, his responsibility as an IC is laudable, although his image doesn't really accentuate the fact.
3SG Tan:'... Illume grenades has a brightness equivalent to 90,000 candles'
Yong Chen:' Sergeant... What type of candles is it?'
He never fails to 'amaze'.
After the morning standby...
Yong Chen: 'Thunderstorm... After i fall you all out. Fall down immediately downstairs'
How is his brain wired? Neurologists might classify it under 'slug matter'.

Now, i'm lookin at my platoon mates falling like flies on their seats. The Z-monster comes with a reaper's scythe today.

Of course, how could i forget?
Pang Si Cher.
Codenamed: Chicken Little.
Mai Ah Hee... Mai Ah Hoo...
Oops... Sorry...
Why? Because he looks exactly like an overstretched version of our lil chick. Tall and lanky, not to mention a block like head mounted atop. Yes, please note the pun. He is excused: PT. IPPT. Swimming. Firearms handling.
You name it, he's got it.
Why? He CLAIMS he hears voices in his head tellin him to do stuff that's dangerous, no doubt it's a stupid voice. Maybe I can't blame him for having a hollow head, maybe echoes get distorted inside or something. Just yesterday, he visited the MO. After a brief sojourn, all his statuses were extended by 10 days. That status slip would have dominated the NSF black market for the hottest buys.

Quoting my PS:' What is wrong with the world, Mama?'
Yeah, i had to agree.
Gimme a min to replenish my brain fluids. It's quite taxing mind you.

Next up we have Gabrielle.
No, not Eva Longoria's Gabrielle Solise, although quite a formidable bitch in herself.
We have Gabrielle Selva Retnam.
Applause please.
I've met my match.
She OUTbitches me anytime. Sarcasm bounces off her like a sticks would off hippo hide. The DIVA of the lot. An absolute metro. Ever prim and prissy about appearance and fantasizing about high-end fashion labels. I feel as if i'm living next to a mini Paragon retail chain. Everything to her is either Prada or Gucci or Versace or maybe it's Maybelline.
If i had a camera i would have put a picture of her posing like an absolute bimbo.
That's all too bad, not as if she needed the extra advertisement anyway.
P.S. You owe me for your airtime here, i charge primetime rates.

What's that stirring in my heart?

Emotions are but a mix of chemicals your body releases for you to feel what you feel. Simplistic yet sophisticated as it may sound. I could never get a clear grasp of it. What is it i am feelin exactly, when a gush of heaviness rushes to my chest, my eyes feel heavy - simply put. Sadness.

Times i used to take for granted, now zoom by so quickly i can barely catch it. I am frustrated, vexed and at the same time trying to deal with my pain. My mood and being flutter like the weather everchanging, unpredictable and hits least expected.

It always rains.
I like the light drizzles.
I can't stand the brooding ones.
I miss home so much.
I hardly noticed it myself.

It's not pain. It's a bitterness. Something i cannot bear - Because it's something i can't control. I hate that helplessness. Even though i have weathered this many times.

Actually. Stayin at home during the weekends ain't such a bad thing. Sleeping in... Enjoying the homely comforts. Simple as it is, it meant a lot, now. A mother's love that i've taken for granted so long. I only appreciate now. I'm pissed. Pissed that time is limited.

Tears welled up, while i was packing the other day, dear mum came to give a hug. It took all of my being to hold my deluge, i was a breaking dam, i forced a smile. Felt like i crossed a threshold when i stepped ouy of home. At that moment, my world turned a vaccum. All the intensity of emotion i felt seem sucked out of me, i felt like an empty shell of a being.

A bad day.

It's a bad day. Even for a book out day.
Yeah, all thanks to my dad who screwed my com.
And spent the week tryin to hide it from me.
Gosh. That's abhorrent behaviour.
The worst thing is to use my book out day to fix coms.
It's bloody irritating coz i do only trial n error.
I'm no expert.
Thanks for ruining my perfect weekend.
I'll prolly have to reformat it.
Because im working cursorless now.
So much so that i look like some frantic typewriter on the loose.
Not to mention the mental tribulations wiring up the net can give me.
Hellish. Utterly vile.
All my intricate plans are wasted.
All that anticipation to get home are wasted.
Thanks so much.

Don't blame me.
It's the next 'best' thing other than goin out.
Argh. One too many times of this crap is driving me nuts.

While in camp, at Changi Naval Training Base CNTB.
Was feelin rather... forlorn...
Gazing into the sea of infinity.
Life ain't at it's best.
But i try to make do.
Everyone has their own problems.
Regardless of wealth or standing.
Envy is probably a senseless thing.
A human touch no doubt.
In every person, there is a dark corner we never see.
Known only in the corner's of our hearts.

I clamour for my book outs.
As all servicemen do.
There's so much i want to do.
But as sergeants say, 'Why? Shag, cannot think izzit?'
Come to think of it...
I juz flop and forget the moment i reach home.
Only to regret my decisions.
Waste my precious time.
I try to search for a purpose.
Something meaningful. Worthwhile.
Like go date-hunting for SSC night.
(I'd be crushed if no one offers their hand)

Crash! Comes the waves upon the sea walls.
Winds embrace my spirit with their uplifting caress.
Night grants me a peace, solace and still i can hardly find within.
Many times i wish for the impossible.
To frolick in the elusive oceans.
To soar high above the winds.
To explore the dream realm like an astral explorer.
The silent mysticism grants a momentary sanctuary from the world.
A world where order is imposed upon the natural ebb and flow of life.
Nature is free and unfettered.
Perhaps the world should take freedom with a pinch of salt.
Not to mention a leaf from Nature's tomes.

So blind... so blind...

In this cold dead world of mine.
Where i'm not who i am in the dead of night.
I cuddle in a little corner.
And sorrowful tears fall from within.
I don't care for a moment about others then.
My world is my own.
My own sanctuary.
There, i feel the pain i've deliberately numbed.
There, i secretly dry my tears for the next day.
There, i find some solace in the astral dreams.
It is there where i can cast away and forget-
Temporarily...

I never change.
As i much as i convince myself to.
I live a silly pretense of superiority.
Only to be brought back to a shattered reality i'm trying to hide from.

I yearn so much... So much...
Only to be denied.
The very thing i've been searching for since i lost it.
Seems the gift so freely given,
Is so hard to retrieve.
Akin to searching for a needle in a haystack.
And all i found are but...
Pseudo-needles.
Nothing but emotional phantasms.
Yet, i was blind enough to be fooled.
By pretences.
You might as well have thrown a phantom dagger thru my heart.
It doesn't kill.
But it hurts every single bit.
Memory plays its cruel joke again.
As i relieve the very moment.
Double edged thing memory is.

I laugh...
I laugh a cynically pained and choked laughter.
As the melancholy grips my heart again.
And i mock my own foolishness.

A gift so dear that it is priceless.
So dear that only the chosen one may give.
And poor me has been given leprechaun gold for promises i thought would come to pass.
I was the one who left me hanging.
Hah.
What a blind fool you are, pitiable soul.

A new path

A new path descends upon me.
060606 on this demonically accursed day.
Indeed, it rained.
POP was an experience i might say.
Ironically, i faced the day with a conflicted heart.
When all the time i've tried to get this over and done with.
Damn, i miss people.

As always, conflict arises within me.
Paths to choose and take.
Risks to weigh and handle.
Feelings to grapple with and suppress sometimes.
A mental tug-of-war within my mind.

All i yearn is to sit in peace.
Lay on the sand by the beach.
Beneath the gentle moon and starlight.
Sitting with a close friend shoulder to shoulder.
Chatting about anything. Everything.
Without a care in the world.

Many a thousand 'if-onlys'.
Then the world would be perfect.

Many things i tell myself

Some wish that time would stop,
That they may savour the precious moments.
Yet, others can't wait for time to fly,
That their long suffering may end.
But regardless, time flows on.
Unfeelingly, mindlessly.
Time is but another manifestation of reality.
Both move on their destined paths like ageless sentinels.

For us, we simply lose our way in all this sophistry,
Or still lose our minds trying to find a way.
Things living are all victims of time,
For it moves us inexorably to the end.

I am but a hapless puppet.
Home is a blessing of many wonders,
The very word can inspire and uplift.
And that means so much more in NS.
Homely comforts are unparalleled.
The warmth and love given so freely after a week's starvation.
Soothes and mends the broken soul beyond any measure.
Being deprived of all these at the end of a weekend,
A cruel thing to do.
I'm nothing more than a prisoner.
The pain and hurt, although brief.
Surges over me, leaving me hallowed and empty.
Like a pheonix cycle, rising from the ashes only to return to the earth.

When push comes to shove...

There's always a breaking point.
And i feel like i've juz passed that.
There is juz so much to express.
Yet words are so limited.
Or maybe i'm juz ineffectual in my expression.
Freedom is a tantalizing gift.
A gift greater than gold.
Yet something feels amiss...
Behind this deceptive facade of bliss.
A darkness lingers within me.
Something i cannot banish...
I can't seem to let myself go.
I'm a mess of conflict.
It holds me ever so subtly but firmly.

I yearn for the moment when i can cast myself afloat.
Free... without the fear of reprisal.
The how... I have to figure it out in my road of life.
Life makes tough demands.
But let us not forget the sweet fruits of labour it also brings.
Count our blessings indeed.

Existential angst.
Perhaps...
That's another big question mark.
I've come to a standstill.
A crossroads in life that needs decisions.
But i don't decide easily.
Maybe i shan't worry for now.
Cast these reservations aside...
And listen to the voice within...

I want to protest.

It's MY room.
But i don't stay much in it.
Which sucks.
And i don't appreciate it being taken over.
Much less taken for granted.
Even less so,
Taking possesion.
That is a violation of privacy.

My dear sister,
Would you mind not turning my room -
Into your personal dumpster for the week.
Before returning it to me?
Much less.
LENDing MY things to people i don't even know.
Even so.
Could you have the decency to get it back?
It's been a week and the book i asked for -
Is still in someone else's possesion.
How RUDE.
I would appreciate if you'll only use the bed.
And radio if you please.
Or the table and chair if you need.
But others are my things.
I STILL live in my room.
Thank You.

Oh yeah. Screw Viper and Taurus for fucking Ulysses up during the enlistment of new recruits.
Thanks so much.
Cat calls and jeering... Juvenile and deprived.

After wearing the iron choker.

Kinship and friendship.
Something i never really thought about.
Everything here is about me, myself and i.
It's time i pay some tribute.
I thought i was able to withstand everything.
So long as i set myself to it.
It seems so easy.
Setting myself a target.
Yet, i crumbled beneath the pressure.

I fell sick twice.
MCs stretching into my book out times.
Agonising to feel so powerless and weak.
Completely dependent on someone else's care.
My Mum.
She took care of me by day and by night.
Always checking on me from time to time.
I took it for granted in the past.
Now, it touched me deeply.
I felt loved.

Relatives. Phoned in to enquire about me.
All concerned and worried.
Esp my Grandma and Godma.
Many thanks for such wonderful family.
I felt loved.

Many friends, close and new.
Called, smsed.
Sent their regards wherever they were.
I never knew...
A simple msg.
A simple call.
Could mean so much.

I wanna thank:
Kelvin & Genie for your friendship.
Do well in SISPEC! Cheers =)
Jerry and Char for giving time.
I won't die yet bro.
And Char, i want a treat!
Not the least of course.
Are my newest friends - bunkmates.
Thanks all of you.
Lan again sometime.
Gotta get Russell! And Kevin! And Alvin!

Thank God for blessing me with such wonderful angels.

treasure what i have lost.

Yes, the army is capable of that.
Things i have taken for granted.
Snatched cruelly from me.
And there is nothing i can do.
I'm like a pathetic beggar,
Beggin for my previous life.
The strict regiments strip away all sense of individuality.
And i'm changed into some mindless puppet.
I lost myself.
Booking is a priviledge.
A gift of sanity.
The whole experience has been numbing.
3 weeks in there.
I have forgotten all of my social life.
The only thing i want to do is to fall into blissful slumber.
Oblivion.
That is my only solace.
But even that is reduced because of the unearthly hours we are required to wake from.
If only the night would last longer.
That is where i find myself again.
Only to lose it in the day.
Tekong life aint too bad.
It's just the sting of things lost.
I guess i had better acquaint myself to being a mindless robot.
It's a survival test. Each day.

Oath of Allegiance

I, having entered the service of the Republic of Singapore under the Enlistment Act, (Cap 93), do solemnly swear, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will:

a. bear true faith and allegiance to the Republic of Singapore

b. protect and defend the Republic of Singapore bravely and intelligently, with virtue and honour, not sparing my life blood in so doing;

c. to my last breath be devoted to the people, the country and the Government of the Republic of Singapore;

d. to be loyal to the country and the Government of the Republic of Singapore.

e. be ready at the order of the Government, to rise up to the defence of the Republic of Singapore.

f. be honourable, brave, disciplined and vigilant;

g. obey the laws of the Republic of Singapore and comply with the orders of my commanders; and

h. strictly safeguard and preserve state secrets and official information and never to disclose them.

I'm gonna miss certain things and people.
I'm gonna become a pawn in the Government's hands.
Just do it, i guess.

Out of sight. Out of mind.

Let it go.
Let it pass.
Let it fade.

Pain and disappointment.
No more.
No more.

Feelin down and out.
Let me go.
Let me go.

I dun wanna hear no more.
No more.
No more.

Close myself to heal.
Give me a day or two.
Simply a day or two.

I dun wanna think no more.
Enough is enough.

C'mon. Let's deal with this.

Lets be truthful.
I didn't do as well as expected.
Geog and Lit were disappointing.
Econs was a mild surprise.
Where do i go?
I may enter NUS or NTU arts.
What if i don't.
My mind is a tempest of emotions.
Crushed.
Deluded.
Lost.
Sunk.
Down.
But. Let me put it aside calmly.
And detach myself.
Let me drop that touch of arrogance.
Lest i fall further.
Let me be humble.
And learn.
Let me not be presumptous.
And be blind to things.
Let me face my world of possiblities.
And open doors.

To those who gauranteed themselves a place in a U.
Congrats.
To those whose results fell short of expectation.
Life goes on.
To those who take results to seriously.
Learn to be like Jerry. Really.
Take life a step at a time.
Make it the fullest step, every step.
Don't be sunk by bad things.
But learn to accept them and adapt.
I regret i learned a little too late.
But better late then never.
I should start living in reality.
So should you.
Thanks. Bro.

Love or die.

Have you ever wondered?
Have you ever questioned?
Have you ever given unconditionally?
Have you ever received with joy?
Have you ever taught others something?
Have you ever learnt something truly valuable?
Have you ever cared?
Have you ever loved?
Have you ever lived?

Have you ever felt aimless in this road of life?

Because...
We immerse ourselves in chasing the material.
We swamp ourselves with overwhelming work.
We live as human husks, empty lives.
We constantly seek attention to feel worthy.
We think power can be exchanged for attention.
We think money can be exchanged for care.

Have we lost our way?
Like wayward animals?

Instead of adapting and surviving...
Why do we conform and accomodate...
To what society says.
To what commercials say.
To what celebrities say.
To what the popular say?

Can we ever learn to take to the helm?
Can we ever dictate our lives?
Can we ever live as a person whose life is his own?
Can we ever carve out our own culture and future?
Can we ever rid ourselves to be led blindly?
Can we ever truly learn to be human again?

When we give love.
And when we learn how to die
Only then will we ever learn to live.

Tuesdays with Morrie, 5 people you meet in Heaven - Mitch Albom

It's pretty sad how some things turn out...

Friendships come and go.
In eagerness and in sadness of parting.
Yet some begin in necessity and others end in tempest.
Everyone is a 2 faced demon.
I may be an Angel when you see me.
I may be the Devil right beneath your nose.
Away from your very sight.
Becareful what one reveals.
May Time the eternal arbiter
Heal the deep wounds.
Even though scars remain.
May they be a reminder to maintain the harmony.
That was lost in the conflict.

Let it flow.

Here I am, sitting outside the hotel across the road. I am baffled. As I always am. I'd like to think I'm too sophisticated for my own good. In plain english, I lack cow sense. Perhaps I am spastic. I don't even know why I am writing this. Maybe it's because I've got time to kill. Or maybe I was tryin to reestablish this quashed and subservient dumb asshole, to normal person with a tinge of self esteem. I feel detached from reality. I've always forgotten and chucked aside, pity that does not work for everything. Much to my distaste. It needs some good getting used to. Perhaps all I have to do is to to accepting reality objectively and try to shield myself from the brunt of it all. I hate me being myself. I'm a conceited bastard, acting what I'm not. It's a dark soul living in 2 worlds split asunder. I'm raving. Every single step is agony. Both ways.

Screw wireless... In the ethernet port...

I hate wireless.
Wireless went down when i was free to use it for a week.
Tell me that doesnt suck.
Its throwing tantrums in my face!
And now, after being out for so long.
I'm bombarded with all kinds of things.
Mainly, gettin back with frens online.
After a serious withdrawal syndrome.

Lets not talk about the depressing stuff.
YESTERDAY.
I was made to parade myself as some shameless admirer,
for Pee's b'day girl.
God. it's tormenting.
Read Pee's blog man.
I have no need to disgrace myself further.

Went to MOS after that.
Nice place.
Nice atmosphere.
Nice crowd.
Not to mention nice CARs.
Just that the music's a lil not my type.
It was heavy house.
Heavy trance.
And some really remixed Rnb.

Ok, that was some bits of disjointed frustrations.

Waitering is NOT fun.

Gosh, i felt so idiotic the entire nite.
I was sent in to waiter a full banquet, without training beforehand!
I knew nuts.
Disgraced myself.
Overworked my poor partner.
And i think i was liable for alot of complaints!
I was clumsy.
Slow.
Retarded.
With an abysmal lack of common sense.
Laughed at by the other mean waiters.
Couldn't handle heavy things.
The list goes on for a bad waiter.
Heck, to make things worse.
The manager is just a total (fill in the blanks with all your obscene creativity)

I think i was just totally down on my luck.
Missed the bus home.
After waiting for half an hour.
Walked to town.
Rather ran with a full bladder.
Scrambling for a toilet....
Went to Macs to get water...
And saw the last 162 go by.
Waited like an idiot for niterider.
Until some nice cabby told me theres NO niterider.
Spend 1/3 of my pay on cab fare.
BAD DAY.

At least there were some saving graces.
Met some nice ppl there who were new.
And a nice Indian waitress who helped me ard.
I think that's all i can ask for.
Now, i'm a total wreck.
Like i've been hit by a truck.
God, i feel useless.

Good Ol' Days

Whenever i'm bored.
I start lookin at the calendar.
Moving backwards in time.
Reminiscing the past.
The dates evoke such fond memories.
Bittersweet memories...
Gatherings.
New Year.
Christmas.
Prom.
A Levels.
Mugging together with friends and Haribo.
The times we got to know each other as better friends.
The Drama Night.
All those late night rehearsals.
Not to mention the entire YunQi fiasco.
The lessons we loved, hated, and most of all skipped.

Project Work rubbed the wrong people togther.
Jane and the Kings.
Terry and SuZhen.
Shannon and Jerry.
Pei Yee and Gan.
Come to think of it.
It was nice to note how our differences dissolved.
And we strove together to pull through this ordeal.
In 2004, A2 was a cliqued buncha people.
In 2005, A2 was truly a class.
In 2006, A2 is etched into memories.
We bonded together in our common likes and dislikes.

All the times we shared together as we walk down this memory lane.
Hand in Hand.
It may not have been the most spectacular or exciting of all paths to lead.
But it certainly is the most poignant 2 years, at least for me.
Although i lament our short acquaintance.
I never regret our time together.

The Family Stone is good.
Go for it.

Now, as we move on along the journey of life.
Where Fate (Yes, First Moevere) may take us to diverse places.
All of my friends hold a special place within me.

10 years down the road.
Where would this motley bunch be then?
High fliers?
Executives?
Contented housewives?
Charming bachelors?
Lawyers?
Teachers?
Or down and out?
Only time can tell, and Fate can manipulate.
We'll see in time.

Musical Extravaganza!

It's been a good few days of partyin this holiday season.
Christmas and the New Year.
Clubbing and nights out.
It's been both good and bad.
Havoc is both sense of the word.
It's been a helluva grand finale for a grand year.
And, i thank all my friends for that gift.
It's been a great (and stressful) year i must say.
But it is hardship that moulds the soul.
We've all been through the mill.
And now its time to let our hair down.
For the other guys, dont take it too literally.

Partyin is not the least bit festive without the magical touch of music.
Hah, recently i've begun my love for selected techno.
And some soul.
And other more obscure branches of music.
Techno, partly due to para para.
It ignites the passion for dance.
Invigorating.
Soul is cathartically soothing.
Like Utopia.
Gothic is full of angst.
A perfect stress reliever.

Well. If you guys want any music hosted.
Be sure to send it to me.
I'll have it up in no time.
Finally, well wishes for the whopping new year.
I'm not gonna say "May all your wishes come true"
Cause they almost always never do.
Since you can't bend Fate to your will.
Do the best within your confines.
Strive for all that you desire.
At least you satisfy your own urge.
And not regret.
Life's too wasteful to regret.

Maybe telesurveying and gettin scolded is too much for my brain.
My mind seems caught in a cage.
Apologies for blockiness.
These are the escaping threads of inspiration that light across this blog.

Mothers.

What a way to begin a new year.