Home? Refuge? Cage?

Home is sanctuary for the weary traveller.
Home is a cage for the restless adventurer.
This home keeps harm out.
This home reins freedom in.

I'm so tired of this.
Perhaps im being selfish.
Yet, dont we all wish to selfish, insolent, wilful.
Most importantly free at this age.
This golden prime?
All too well to go to waste playing the sitting duck.
Whiling the time away.
When can i be let free?
To do what i want?
To face what i need to face.
To emerge from this protective shell?
To take some responsibility.
To face the music.

Oh please. Let me be.

Such fine practiced liars. All.

Don't ask me why.
You know I know.
That its a daily, constant ritual that we lie to ourselves.
Such as this society demands now.
Day after day.
Month after month.
Year after year.
Secrets. Pain.
And all those that can only be kept to oneself.
Not publicised.

One moment, we relive our pain. Memories and reminisce.
Snap.
We are back to 'reality' where such saddening things have no place.
And invite nothing but scorn and disdain.
Perhaps ignorance is preferred over outright dislike.
But who knows what brews behind peoples' appearances.
I cannot decide which being the lesser 'evil'.

Perhaps that's the price of life and of happiness.
Whats joy with no pain?
Perhaps we have to drag along this baggage to feel somewhat alive.
In this ever numbing world.
Perhaps, its not so bad after all.

What is it that im lookin for?

Damn. What is this void within that aches to be filled? So empty and hollowed out. For all my wit and intelligence that is all but eroded away by time and monotony. I still cry out. I can't wait to rip this straitjacket off me. I am screaming my lungs out. My mind is dead, gone is that verbose flair, gone is that vitality that lights within. I am a husk of my previous self. Why does it have to be this way? Akin to being lashed to the mast on a ship in the primal fury of the worst storm. Lashed by needles of rain, chilled by the wind that cuts to the bone. Why? Damn.

One-armed jack.

it's been a long time since i was last here to indulge in catharsis. silly me broke me arm 2 days ago in camp, playin (or tryin to play) sepak tekraw no less... yeah it seems like an act of ultimate stupidity, some say ultimate blondeness, it maybe a joke gone wrong, and im havin people laughin like clowns no doubt. i didn't want this and i don't need your sarcasm into my mix of misery. infirm, useless and helpless. i thank all who visited me and those who sent their warmest regards. to hell with those who took it as a comical act gone wrong.

i know CDS is now havin low strength difficulties and i'm sorry to add on to it, we all hate gettin activated, my apologies... as to my plt, i'll be missin them dearly, won't be able to see ssc7 guys for long. damn this. sigh. missin out on so much...

I am lost.

Home is no refuge.
Home is alien to me.
Everything is, except my little breached sanctuary.

I am afraid.
I don't want to be entrapped.
I want my silence.
I want to be free.

Powerless

Something so basic that we've all taken for granted.

O... Dismount lo....

Okay, it was not exactly joy but at least we got off duty. After numerous boring rehearsals with SWO, the Change of Command Ceremony was came to a close with a farewell last salute to our former Commanding Officer, with thunderous applause to welcome the new one.

Off to the spec mess.

In rather high spirits that got even higher with the inclusion of duty-free beer from the mess, which tasted cheap but nonetheless fired the blood. We had racous fun with food, picture match and several drinking bouts from Denis, Jeff and the new 2lts. I was rather surprised i downed a mug myself. Ended the day with rather inexcusably blonde moments from me (dropping a plate of food)... More drinking and a hellride from RuiLong.

Homebound.

All the plans for WOW, some rest at home came to a abrupt halt as I opened my door to pitch darkness... Has the power perhaps tripped? Easily fixed with a flick of a switch. Flick up... Flick down... A simple enquiry to my Mum confirmed all that i dreaded.

Oh... So thats how... It needed no more from me than my indifference and utter resignation.

Perhaps i should stop thinking about the impossible.
Some things never change.

It's been awhile and its the new year.

It's been a long time since i was last here.
I've been so preoccupied with everything else.
I've forgotten to spare time for myself.
Now, back after a year, of many changes,
A pensive time.
Yet, i fear i've lost myself.
It's a year where i've been obsessed with everything.
So much so i;ve lost focus.
Like a wanderer, brief sojourns here and there.
Like the current incoherence of my broken thoughts.
About time i should be pickin up the pieces of my life this coming year.
I'm greeting it with mind numbing indifference.
As if the transition into the new year is no more than the coming of a new day or the passing of an hour, flight of minutes and the ticking of seconds.
All away into eternity.
Where was the time where i was unfettered by all these mundane problems.
Where was the time where i need not fret over everything.
So much that i want i can only wish for.
So much jealousy and poison brewing within, like a miasma.
A disease, crippling me.
If there a way where i can cast away such darkness.
When can i drop my petty little desires, my superficial cravings.
And look a little deeper, delve closer to the warmth of human contact.
Once again?

All that vindictive angst. Where goes it?

Accuse me of whatever you like, tell me i'm whining. Nothing's new, i'm already so used to being downtrodden by peoples' unsensitive comments and casting their criticisms, and yes, i'm not sure if my defenses will hold. I'm crumbling from within, even as i post this my heart and mind are exploring a million possibilities about how trashy a person i am.

I'm not in the heart for these things anymore. Go ahead whine to me about how bad your NS life is because yours can't get any worse... So tell me, what's new? Maybe i shouldnt really be taking this on such a sombre note but please, knowing what i'm goin through, be careful where you aim your verbal daggers, no matter how unknowingly and heedlessly tossed in my direction.

Perhaps i'm breaking at the stress of all this, and i'm probably sullying my own pathetic image further by waxing lyrical about my myriad of miseries. Yeah it probably couldnt get worse than that.

All seems happy and jovial where i am, but i sense a deep jadedness within everyone, morale is say... inexistant. And daily i trudge through this waist-depth of shit. Uncertain of when my next little bubble of fresh air might come from, uncertain of my book outs. Because anytime, those accursed officers take all liberties available to thrust our heads into the crap all over again. Like torturers twisting the law as their leash around us. I'm beginning to wonder when i'll suffocate.

And yes, thank you Kelvin. I'm blessed to have you as a friend. It gave me a measure of hope, a little flame to keep me warm, a soothing lullaby in the cold nights, a little assurance in a simple sms. And no, you don't have to feel guilt, empathy is all i need as my pillars, you have given me so much more. Perhaps the sky isn't gonna collapse today, perhaps the world aint so bitter after all.

Remember that Greek myth? It all rings true now... When Pandora's Box was unraveled, all the worlds miseries and sorrows escaped to plague the earth, but underneath all that was a little thing called Hope. So maybe.. Just maybe... It's wings brushed across my grievious heart...

Tempestous.

I wonder what came over me today. This sudden deluge of negativity and rejection awash, I feel so poisoned, vehement, almost afire. Slowing down to think and ponder calmed me somewhat. I simply desire solitude. Is that a gift, a freedom so difficult to grant? Everyday i live simply saps upon my already limited and strained sanity, i fear i may snap. Everytime i come back into the real world, it seems as though i just phased out from a vacumn, everything is so fucking routine. I finish my damned duty, book out for the night, come back home to be fawned upon like some little twit, fussing over every little thing, then i wake up the next accursed morning, heading back to camp to renew this dreadful cycle. Sometimes i dont even get home. I scream to nothingness, where is my personal space and liberty that i held so dear. Now it is so forcefully wrested from me, while i could do nothing. I have to go home and face the irate sister who's pissed because she's using my things. What bitter.. bitter irony. And i am deposed from my room, no more than a visitor, acting to the whims of a little brat. Because why, i'm not even sure if i live here anymore. What's mine has become but another illusion.

Where is my personal space? It doesn't exist anymore, it has been plundered, invaded, raped. Sometimes i just want out of this world. Just me, myself and i, alone in my quiet contemplations, now where has that gone? That, along with my social life went out of the window months ago. How did i survive this long? I don't want to have to come homw to face a grumpy sister in my room, complaining, whining... GOD! NO WHINING! Find it no different from a dumpster downstairs, completely unrecognisable, nearly uninhabitable. My personal space... Obliterated. Just like that. Privacy, space, peace... Where are all that now? When can i be spared the ceaseless questionings, neverending fusses coming from her stream of consciousness. Sadly no different from a fly buzzing in my ears. I am no kid. I want none of it no more. Cohabit with an adult, not fuss over a little boy. Give me space and quiet.

My mind is a blank right now, a vacumn ready to implode anytime. Dont spark it.

Empty. Empty. Empty.
So hollow the heart that thunders.

Friends are a divine gift.

Today. Was a heaven sent gift.

One of the few times i truly ever treasured the space of a day. We had a rather empty morning, nothing much other than fatigue work, but when it dawned upon us that our Sgt Jonathan had begged to let us have a nights off today was more than enough to set our spirits alight. More importantly, we will be running together with Tuas Defence Squadron. Guys from the previous Sea Soldier Course - my coursemates. It was a tender and warm reunion, i could not stifle an excited wave at all of em, least to say hasten to see my best buds since i dunno when.

The mood was jovial, it was great to see them again, who knows when would be our next chance... Exchanged many interesting anecdotes and pieces of random gossip, lots of fun and laughter. So many feelings that were felt were almost tangible in the air, it was thick with emotion, something that was expressed with glittering eyes and knowing smiles rather than said with words no matter how beautifully crafted. Words don't really matter when hearts connect.

Ran 5km along the surrounding of the Macritchie Reservoir Park, tagged along with Gabz and Jem and an occasional Sgt Wen Jie hollering in our ears and finally knocked himself on a railing. Me and Gabz were quite proud of ourselves for besting a number of NDU personnel on the run. Heh. Even though their competetive teams still made a rather clean swipe of most of the prizes leaving bits for the rest to pick. All in all a good run. Running with SWO again, reminiscent of our many AGRs. Ah memories.

Prata for dinner. Night Snack (Darrell) was re-christened Snack Monster or Snack Champ or wadever for giving me a food related answer to a lan related question.
We had lan, i owned for 2 games. Lost on my last. Would have prolly won had not been for Joel, damned Bloodseeker and also to a very fat WeeMing (Centaur). Dang. I wanna rematch!

Now... I'm back home missin all of you guys already. See you guys soon. Pray we don't kena extras

I walk again down my destined path..

It has been a week.
Where i felt so much.
Sorrow for the loss of friends.
Joy for the subtle blessings bestowed upon.
A kind of peace we all share.
A sense of camaraderie invisibly felt and appreciated.

Well... being an OJT ain't as bad as i imagined. Everyone has been helpful in guidin all of us along. Or rather, all of us realise the need to stand together in the face of the EVIL CO. Hah.. Strength in numbers i suppose, everyone has banded together to cover another's asses. Covert ops undercover heh. It's gratifying i suppose, as much as we all do not condone the CO's actions, it sorta brought everyone to stand beneath one banner. I'm sure we all appreciate the little things our superiors do for us, everyone of them except dear CO of course.

The very appointment, invoke his name and a flurry of hushed whispers follow, perhaps he isn't wrong, but he certainly cannot empathise or force us to produce a standard beyond our greatest means.

Forget the depressing stuff. I still miss my dear friends in Tuas from time to time, memories from Panglima blip across my thoughts sometimes, whether it brings a smile to my lips or a tear to my eye i'm still rather mixed. Time here runs by its own rules. I guess i'm simply numbed, time just sorta disappears before my very eyes, I need some revitalising... I'm broken.

A period on another chapter.

This feels as if i'm writing my life as i live it. And as this day comes to an inevitable end. I'm writing my final conclusions to this chapter, and finally i rest my pen on a full-stop. I recall the past times where i HAD to put my pen down and write a new chapter, part of me refuses to flip that page, so ironically light, it is beyond me to flip it.

And so now, i reminisce my conclusions.

Damn. Why does it have to be so? To make friends and lose them? My spirits dulled significantly nearing the end of course. The fact that we were gonna pass out soon did nothing to lift that dreary mood, that ominous feeling i've been dreading all the time. When it's time for us to move on. When we suddenly notice time is at our asses, sweeping us along...

All that time we've come to appreciate and love of everyone's beloved company, that we've taken for granted, has come back with a vicious vengeance of hurt and separation. Friends that have a place in my heart, and taken to were torn away, by a difference of just 1 offending letter, 'T'DS or 'C'DS. Revolting how such words carry such power.

It felt almost like judgement day when Course Comm was reading the posting order. Finally the verdict announced, and i am given exile.

It is cruel how this world works. Moving along at it's precise and clockwork manner with absolutely no regard for the fragility of human relations. Oh please... Do not lament the increasing lack of warmth in people, or the astounding superficiality some people are capable of now, because we are too shallow in our handling of relations, people are chucked here and there simply because they are needed by the system. Humans are not clockwork robots. We barely even have enough time to live life properly, decently. This is so lamentable...

I swear, i did everything in my power to hold my dams... I was tearing. FUCK this. WHY?

Livin my life.

Was just thinkin. Yeah, sometimes i blank out alot, lost in my wolrd of thoughts. Thinking of so many things to get myself distracted from all the boredom, from all the brainless things i do in camp. I figured i needed to keep my mind perked, lest i become a walking zombie in this 2 years, or so i fear. All that sophistication, lost to mindless, unquestioning obedience. Distasteful.

As i was thinkin. I thought many things. I thought of - what next? After all this... I wish time would all slow down. It feels like we are on some roller coaster ride of life. Exhilaratingly short. If it would only slow down to a walk in paradise, enjoying, savouring every moment with close friends and family to walk with you. A sense of undying support and true inner joy, which cannot be obtained through superficial means. If only life today was as fulfilling. We probably would not be such shallow adults nowadays, seeking out our selfish wants, sometimes with such blind ardour it is almost machiavellian. That turns the essence of human nature into an empty husk.

I have lived a good 18 years. Not long, but it's given and taken from me alot. Friends have been bestowed upon, only to be taken away by circumstances, becoming no more than a roadside acquaintance, sometimes cheapened to be used as a means to an ends. People whom i've toiled with, endured hardship with, a bond of friendship taking form, only to be ripped apart by the contraints of time and space. This world is selfish, while we are mere puppets to be puppeteered or chess pieces manuvered to fulfil an unknown plan.

Wouldn't it be just wonderful to have a beautiful ending like 'Big Fish'?

Vibrations in the air - emotions coporealized.

I am not a critical writer.
Thus, I am not a good one.
Not in GP at least.
I write what's true to me.
What's within me that's screaming to be heard.
As writers of old have done.
Only to leave us to decipher the myriads of mysteries interwoven.

Let's not banter further more on that subject.
Rhythmic. Harmonic. Vibrations. Music.
The uplifting power of it astounds.
I just realised i've ignored it for more than i should.
Music resonates in the human soul.
It's the core of spirituality.
One of the few things that has survived through human history.
It's universal.
It communicates not in words, in meanings.
But in the emotions songs evoke.
Hope. Melancholy. Vindictiveness. Angst.
It's a medium beyond words. Beyond language.
Wider. Deeper. Expanding our sphere of communications.

On a more personal level.
Music touches my heart.
Not just in a passing liking.
But a more intimate connection that invites me into that world.
A world woven with the magic of music within the mind.
A utopian harmony achieved - however momentarily.
Music trancends words.
Music is the realm where i've found solace.
Where i can cast myself adrift to bask in it's caressing embrace.

Below are the few songs that caught my heart.
Let it wash over you.
Music never dies.
Unless one is deaf to it.

MoonLight Shadow

The last that ever she saw him, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
He passed on worried and warning, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
Lost in a riddle that Saturday night, far away on the other side,
he was caught in the middle of a desperate fight, and she couldn't find how to push through.

The trees that whisper in the evening, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
Sing the song of sorrow and grieving, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
All she saw was a silhouette of a gun, far away on the other side,
He was shot six times by a man on the run, and she couldn't find how to push through.

I stay, I pray, I see you in heaven far away.
I stay, I pray, I see you in heaven one day.

Four a.m. in the morning, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
I watched your vision forming, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
Star was glowin' in a silvery night, far away on the other side,
Will you come to talk to me this night, but she couldn't find how to push through.

I stay, I pray, I see you in heaven far away,
I stay, I pray, I see you in heaven one day.

Cought in the middle of hunger and fire
The knife was heavy and so was the life
She couldnt find hoe to push through, carried away by a moonlight shadow
OOOOOHHHHH.


God is a Girl

Remembering me, discover and see,
All over the world, she's known as a girl,
To those who are free, their minds shall be key,
Forgotten as the past, 'cause history will last.

God is a girl, wherever you are,
Do you believe it, can you receive it?
God is a girl, whatever you say,
Do you believe it, can you receive it?
God is a girl, however you live,
Do you believe it, can you receive it?
God is a girl, she's only a girl,
Do you believe it, can you receive it?


She wants to shine, forever in time,
She is so driven, she's always mine,
Clearly and free, she wants you to be,
A part of the future, a girl like me,
There is a sky, illuminating us,
Someone is out there, that we truly trust,
There is a rainbow, for you and me,
A beautiful sunrise, eternally.

Quellin that bitch.

Yeah I've got the Monday Blues...
I've become obsessive.
So obsessed with spending my time well.
Yet ironically, i'm screwin it up for me and everyone else.
Snappin at everyone tryin to loop a leash over my neck.
While i thrashed like a rabid animal.
Becoming an uncontrollable and brooding tempest.
Incapable of mirth.
Incapable of joy.
Caged, with arms outstretched between the bars.
Seekin to keep the sands of time from flowing between my fingers.

Much as i would like to accept gaiety with open arms and an open heart, yet there seems to be something keepin me from it. Until i finally accept myself within the confines of a box. I have steeled my heart, unable to trust except for the truest friends but even so, some veil seems to drape over all of that. Friends are my pillar of support, overly so i guess, that being trapped and kept from them, havin so little time to spend with them is makin me fall apart at the seams. Yet, ironically, i feel as if im pushing them further away, to avoid the pain, only to fall harder.

All that angst culminating into a tempest.
Forgive me for my mistakes.

Thursday. 20/07/06. 10:47a.m.

Seems like this week in camp has many interesting anecdotes to document. Partly also because i'm tryin to keep myself awake in the midst of a dreary lecture by an old warrant officer.

Wee Calixtus Ashley aka Cactus.
Weird. Not that i had anything against his name, but such a flamboyant name is destined to attract attention. He is one MAJOR oddball who questions everything commanders say. Defies general orders, does the silliest things to get 8 confinements and counting... Posseses an eternal Mona Lisa smile on his face, sometimes he laughs heartily to nothing at all when he is alone on the corridor - Enigmatic in a sense because no one can fathom why. Question: What IS so funny?

Okay, before i fall into a permanent cryogenic slumber. I try to dredge up more lame antic by our IC of the week. All hail - Yong Chen.

Please pardon my candidness. Just last week, whilst swimming in the pool, he was spitting water like a pig faced Merlion while holding to his slack-floats after the swim cat test. I can only implore you to imagine the utter idiocy of the situation. My words are only limited an extent. Of course, as an IC he never fails to wayang, although in the most unconvincing manner.
'Eh! Guys! Do your drills properly' The next line killed it.
'Eh! Image arh! Image! Navy BMT coming' ...
Nevertheless, his responsibility as an IC is laudable, although his image doesn't really accentuate the fact.
3SG Tan:'... Illume grenades has a brightness equivalent to 90,000 candles'
Yong Chen:' Sergeant... What type of candles is it?'
He never fails to 'amaze'.
After the morning standby...
Yong Chen: 'Thunderstorm... After i fall you all out. Fall down immediately downstairs'
How is his brain wired? Neurologists might classify it under 'slug matter'.

Now, i'm lookin at my platoon mates falling like flies on their seats. The Z-monster comes with a reaper's scythe today.

Of course, how could i forget?
Pang Si Cher.
Codenamed: Chicken Little.
Mai Ah Hee... Mai Ah Hoo...
Oops... Sorry...
Why? Because he looks exactly like an overstretched version of our lil chick. Tall and lanky, not to mention a block like head mounted atop. Yes, please note the pun. He is excused: PT. IPPT. Swimming. Firearms handling.
You name it, he's got it.
Why? He CLAIMS he hears voices in his head tellin him to do stuff that's dangerous, no doubt it's a stupid voice. Maybe I can't blame him for having a hollow head, maybe echoes get distorted inside or something. Just yesterday, he visited the MO. After a brief sojourn, all his statuses were extended by 10 days. That status slip would have dominated the NSF black market for the hottest buys.

Quoting my PS:' What is wrong with the world, Mama?'
Yeah, i had to agree.
Gimme a min to replenish my brain fluids. It's quite taxing mind you.

Next up we have Gabrielle.
No, not Eva Longoria's Gabrielle Solise, although quite a formidable bitch in herself.
We have Gabrielle Selva Retnam.
Applause please.
I've met my match.
She OUTbitches me anytime. Sarcasm bounces off her like a sticks would off hippo hide. The DIVA of the lot. An absolute metro. Ever prim and prissy about appearance and fantasizing about high-end fashion labels. I feel as if i'm living next to a mini Paragon retail chain. Everything to her is either Prada or Gucci or Versace or maybe it's Maybelline.
If i had a camera i would have put a picture of her posing like an absolute bimbo.
That's all too bad, not as if she needed the extra advertisement anyway.
P.S. You owe me for your airtime here, i charge primetime rates.

What's that stirring in my heart?

Emotions are but a mix of chemicals your body releases for you to feel what you feel. Simplistic yet sophisticated as it may sound. I could never get a clear grasp of it. What is it i am feelin exactly, when a gush of heaviness rushes to my chest, my eyes feel heavy - simply put. Sadness.

Times i used to take for granted, now zoom by so quickly i can barely catch it. I am frustrated, vexed and at the same time trying to deal with my pain. My mood and being flutter like the weather everchanging, unpredictable and hits least expected.

It always rains.
I like the light drizzles.
I can't stand the brooding ones.
I miss home so much.
I hardly noticed it myself.

It's not pain. It's a bitterness. Something i cannot bear - Because it's something i can't control. I hate that helplessness. Even though i have weathered this many times.

Actually. Stayin at home during the weekends ain't such a bad thing. Sleeping in... Enjoying the homely comforts. Simple as it is, it meant a lot, now. A mother's love that i've taken for granted so long. I only appreciate now. I'm pissed. Pissed that time is limited.

Tears welled up, while i was packing the other day, dear mum came to give a hug. It took all of my being to hold my deluge, i was a breaking dam, i forced a smile. Felt like i crossed a threshold when i stepped ouy of home. At that moment, my world turned a vaccum. All the intensity of emotion i felt seem sucked out of me, i felt like an empty shell of a being.

A bad day.

It's a bad day. Even for a book out day.
Yeah, all thanks to my dad who screwed my com.
And spent the week tryin to hide it from me.
Gosh. That's abhorrent behaviour.
The worst thing is to use my book out day to fix coms.
It's bloody irritating coz i do only trial n error.
I'm no expert.
Thanks for ruining my perfect weekend.
I'll prolly have to reformat it.
Because im working cursorless now.
So much so that i look like some frantic typewriter on the loose.
Not to mention the mental tribulations wiring up the net can give me.
Hellish. Utterly vile.
All my intricate plans are wasted.
All that anticipation to get home are wasted.
Thanks so much.

Don't blame me.
It's the next 'best' thing other than goin out.
Argh. One too many times of this crap is driving me nuts.

While in camp, at Changi Naval Training Base CNTB.
Was feelin rather... forlorn...
Gazing into the sea of infinity.
Life ain't at it's best.
But i try to make do.
Everyone has their own problems.
Regardless of wealth or standing.
Envy is probably a senseless thing.
A human touch no doubt.
In every person, there is a dark corner we never see.
Known only in the corner's of our hearts.

I clamour for my book outs.
As all servicemen do.
There's so much i want to do.
But as sergeants say, 'Why? Shag, cannot think izzit?'
Come to think of it...
I juz flop and forget the moment i reach home.
Only to regret my decisions.
Waste my precious time.
I try to search for a purpose.
Something meaningful. Worthwhile.
Like go date-hunting for SSC night.
(I'd be crushed if no one offers their hand)

Crash! Comes the waves upon the sea walls.
Winds embrace my spirit with their uplifting caress.
Night grants me a peace, solace and still i can hardly find within.
Many times i wish for the impossible.
To frolick in the elusive oceans.
To soar high above the winds.
To explore the dream realm like an astral explorer.
The silent mysticism grants a momentary sanctuary from the world.
A world where order is imposed upon the natural ebb and flow of life.
Nature is free and unfettered.
Perhaps the world should take freedom with a pinch of salt.
Not to mention a leaf from Nature's tomes.

So blind... so blind...

In this cold dead world of mine.
Where i'm not who i am in the dead of night.
I cuddle in a little corner.
And sorrowful tears fall from within.
I don't care for a moment about others then.
My world is my own.
My own sanctuary.
There, i feel the pain i've deliberately numbed.
There, i secretly dry my tears for the next day.
There, i find some solace in the astral dreams.
It is there where i can cast away and forget-
Temporarily...

I never change.
As i much as i convince myself to.
I live a silly pretense of superiority.
Only to be brought back to a shattered reality i'm trying to hide from.

I yearn so much... So much...
Only to be denied.
The very thing i've been searching for since i lost it.
Seems the gift so freely given,
Is so hard to retrieve.
Akin to searching for a needle in a haystack.
And all i found are but...
Pseudo-needles.
Nothing but emotional phantasms.
Yet, i was blind enough to be fooled.
By pretences.
You might as well have thrown a phantom dagger thru my heart.
It doesn't kill.
But it hurts every single bit.
Memory plays its cruel joke again.
As i relieve the very moment.
Double edged thing memory is.

I laugh...
I laugh a cynically pained and choked laughter.
As the melancholy grips my heart again.
And i mock my own foolishness.

A gift so dear that it is priceless.
So dear that only the chosen one may give.
And poor me has been given leprechaun gold for promises i thought would come to pass.
I was the one who left me hanging.
Hah.
What a blind fool you are, pitiable soul.

A new path

A new path descends upon me.
060606 on this demonically accursed day.
Indeed, it rained.
POP was an experience i might say.
Ironically, i faced the day with a conflicted heart.
When all the time i've tried to get this over and done with.
Damn, i miss people.

As always, conflict arises within me.
Paths to choose and take.
Risks to weigh and handle.
Feelings to grapple with and suppress sometimes.
A mental tug-of-war within my mind.

All i yearn is to sit in peace.
Lay on the sand by the beach.
Beneath the gentle moon and starlight.
Sitting with a close friend shoulder to shoulder.
Chatting about anything. Everything.
Without a care in the world.

Many a thousand 'if-onlys'.
Then the world would be perfect.