Dug Deep...

Ok... Hi readers...
Sounds pretty damn boring right?
Right.
Coz i'm still suffering from the detri"mental" effects of the "block" test.
I'm like a living blockhead of sorts.
Nthn witty today.
Not that i ever was really THAT witty
Bitchy rather.
Or so some people think.
Or most rather.
Not that i want to be associated that way.
Not that i want to be associated as flamboyantly gay.
Especially after i've been casted THAT role.
I don't want to.
But mannerisms are simply not a thing to change overnight.
In cliche terms. Rome was not built overnight.
I guess it was the way i got along with my friends.
Cat High friends.
Influence,
So immaterial
Yet so compelling.
Then again.
My character plays a part.
I can't help a need for flaunting.
But then i'm very self-consious.
I dont know how these 2 could ever co-exist.
But they do in an enigma like me.

---------

I don't feel like writin.
Not now.

Woot!
I made a new discovery!
I didnt know there was an arcade in Jubilee!
Woot!
Havent danced para para for ages.
Man, i'm startin to suck.
But now at least i know where to go.
LOL.

Ah...

Oops.
I've been lazy.
I admit.
Well...
Since I've juz read Geri's blog
So maybe i'll give my opinions
As i lead such a boring life that there's nothing to talk about.
For the concerned public.
My Godma's stable now...
Although she's still under observation
And needs to undergo the knife
But i'm sure everything will work out well
=)

So... Geri...
I met him in NYJC last year.
During the 2nd intake batch.
Didnt really get to know him until we were separated into our classes
O4A2.
For me A2 was a stark contrast to the cold and buaya class i had in CJC
Most would know as i make alot of noise about those horrid ppl.
So i found new hope here
i suppose.
Ya know, since we are all new.
Its natural to try to find similar allies.
And my very first associations were with Terry, Jerry and Emil
That association fast became friendship.
A fellowship named ridiculously as "The Koppies"
More preferably known as "The Aerries"
It wasn't surprising, for much of the year.
The class stuck by its many cliques.
I suppose me and a few others managed to break this barrier
And built many inter-clique friendships.
Especially during PW.
Torturous as PW was
It brought the class together of some sorts
HATING it as a class.
Ppl always bond like that.
Isn't it?
Well, i'm glad i got the chance to know Geri better.
As a friend, during OCIP China.
Though we shared different bunks.
We relied on each other quite alot
Or rather, me on him
As I was quite alien to all the new faces
They were ALL from the science faculty!
More or less we bonded.
To some sense
In that less inhibited world of 17 days.
I saw a side of him that i never saw.
Its hard to say.
Contrary to what we ALL see
An airhead.
A racist.
A Hokkien Beng
A big mouthed gossiper
I somehow thought i saw a little bit of his inner world.
His unshared space.
A voice within that actually is deep in thought
Or rather dormancy.
But that light within is flaring, alive, vibrant.
One little evidence is his sharing in Lit Drama Othello classes.
Its sometimes astounding to know that Geri is a deep thinker.
Its not.
Its just a little voice hidden, too shy to speak up.
One thats dwarfed by that Hokkien Beng ego.
Somehow i found a whole new Jerry.
One that ponders on issues.
One that is burdened by hidden burdens
One side unknown.

Just a little something for Jerry.
As a peer counsellor
Sharing problems won't appear whiny.
You don't have to stand up to the world alone.
Take support in friends.
Keeping it within is never good.
Its what brothers are for ya?

Life....

I'm not sure what to think.
My youthful sense of invincibility has again been shattered.
Once again i felt the true frailty of Life.
The flame.
No matter how vibrant.
Is vulnerable.
Is limited.
Is subject to forces beyond our ken.
Such is the fire of life.
It makes me think...
As if life for everyone is nothing but,
A mere candle.
Burning vivaciously towards our own demise.
Life's sad sometimes if seen that way.
But that's Life for you.

Such are the revelations that hit me.
When i saw my very own Godma on the hospital bed.
Weak. Fragile.
Hardly the hale and hearty woman that i am used to.
In her, i saw the pyres of vitality in her eyes.
So motherly.
Much of her life she dedicated to her children.
Her foster children (Me n Sis)
Her grandchildren (My 2 little angelic nephews)
Yet, she took pride in it.
She loved them all without discrimination.
Sometimes i feel more for her than my own mother...
She took care of me since i was 2
Till i was ready to take care of myself and had a maid.
She was with me when i grew up.
She made up my very first memories.
Memories of a warm bed.
Memories of a warm meal
And memories of a warm hug.
Even when i left her care
We visited regularly.
And i would be welcomed without hesistation.
Showered with hospitality.
It was like an uninhibited 2nd haven.
Even after we moved 7 years ago.
Things remained unchanged.
I would feel guilty about not visiting sometimes.
Then i would tell myself i could always do so the next week.
But still we were close.
I had often wondered how i would go on w/o her.
I never reached a satisfactory answer myself.

Until i saw her on the bed today.
I saw only a brief shadow of her past self.
I was crushed within.
My young nephews could not lift my burdened spirits.
I did all i could to alleviate her pain.
I wanted to chat.
So much.
But....
My knotted chest allowed nothing.
She had pancreatic inflammation
Or so i heard.
Thought it wasn't really serious.
Felt something was wrong when she wasn't in a common ward.
Found out she was in the ICU last week.
Found out she already has diabetes for 2 years.
She did not tell us...
ANY of us...
She just went on caring for us.
I suddenly felt very dwarfed by the magnanimity of her love.
I'm not sure if its critical.
But it's serious.
I sincerely hope she would pull through...
She has us to live for....
I wish she would find in her the willpower and motivation to live...

When i left
I held her hands
They were hard, dry and coarse.
All the more
I was heartbroken...
Tears fell forth from my face.

Screw this shit.

Damn i'm a bitchfit.
Atrocious
Uninmaginably unthinkable!
This has been THE worst year.
A hidden tax has been levied on my ang pow money.
I was like wtf?
Well, its not like i didn't know before
Just that this year was just horrible.
I knew it has to be something when my mum demanded to keep the ang pows till the 15th.
Dammit.
Usually the lowest never exceed $6
Now its $4...
I just can't keep it inside and not say anything about this...
EXTORTION.
What made it worse that she was whining about it even b4 we received the money.
She was sayin things like...
"Oh.. some ppl couldnt give becos they just had a funeral.."
"Oh.. you know this-and-this newly weds did not give.."
S-I-C-K-E-N-I-N-G.
I mean... i usually would accept this crap a few years back when i was more idiotic.
And we were still in the recession.
But hey... noticed i have grown a LITTLE more intelligent?
Guess not.
I know she gave alot of ang pows and kept sayin..
"You know all these are still the money i gave out, just that you got it differently"
Yadda Yadda.
"And so i still have the RIGHT to take them"
Talk about giving the younger generation 'blessing' with ang pows
Yea, just gimme the empty ang pows.
They are 'blessing' enough.
You can't fool me now with something even the blind can tell.
3 things i cannot stand
Her conventional ways.
Her rigid manners.
Her assertion as sole breadwinner she commands all.
Her belief that children owe complete obsience to their parents.
You know what?
I so want to lash it all out at her.
I mean hell with all decorum.
I at least deserve a modicum of respect.
She could do the least to tell me and ASK me.
Then she could have asserted her authority to DEMAND it from me.
Even then i would not be feeling so CHEATED
Pretty ironic you see, they do what they tell you NOT to do.
Thats parents.
And somehow they manage to wiggle their way out with the superiority of AGE.
Oh! Come on!
Dammit. Out.

Malicious Thoughts

The twisted hand of Fate.
I want to ask why... sometimes
I cannot help but feel... insignificant
I used to think of myself as the centre of the world when i was younger
I used to think of myself as some popular kid in sch when i was primary
I used to think of myself as some class honourary member when i was secondary
Now.
Its all changed.
Nobody notices you.
To everyone, you are but another co-existin being on this Earth.
You are worthless to everyone except the friends you know.
Some 'friends' are even degradatory to our own self esteem and self worth.
All in all.
I am but a less than negligible form of existence in all that exists.
It felt bad.
Natural instincts try to increase our self worth.
As if that wasn't enough.
Why did Fate have to play a part in all this?
I can almost see the smirk on its arrogant face.
We can never understand why things are why things are.
Why tragedies and miracles have to happen?
If you say happy endings are a thing to strive for to escape tragedies.
I say its a sick joke.
Its a laughing matter.
Its crap, rubbish, garbage, shit and what-have-yous....
To hell with it.

It is the natural order of things to attain equilibrium.
Yin & Yang
Light & Dark
Good & Bad
Men & Women
Then with you being better off, some other guy on the other side of the globe will get the bad karma you discarded?
If everything was designed to be perfect.
Why this?
Why do we come to this supposed 'beautiful' world only to suffer and tryin to acheive happiness?
What is the whole point?
Why do get born, only to mug a quarter of your life away, slog to death for a half, and endure sickness in transit to a peaceful death?
Tell me its God's plan to put us through the mill to cultivate strength of character.
And what after?
We don't even know.
We think its either heaven of hell because a supposed board of people who thought that they were enlightened interpreted the stars and strange lights in the sky for a higher being.
Haven't you noticed its all speculation and blind belief?
I may be harsh.
But thats what it is isn't it?
Save me the blabber that God exists in our hearts
And non believers will be banished to hell
Or purgatory.
Did you not know the Church was the most influential and corrupt force back in the Middle Ages all the way to the Renaissance.
How can you be so assured of whats right of whats taught now in Churches?
It cannot be substantiated.
Sometimes, i really question....
Why? WHY? WHY!
I won't end my life.
It would be silly
I will live on and not succumb
If its strength of character.
SO be it.
I do not live for the sake of redemption.
I live for myself, if it was really meant to be that way.
Prove me wrong, powers that be!

Oh wow......

New Year's Eve is today.
Not bad for a hectic day
Juz hoped that our celebrations could have ended earlier
AJ ended at 9.45
Crappy.
And my AJ frens went back to Cat High Pri to visit
Later met them at CHSec
It was nice
Saw many nice old frens
Saw some people that i would avoid
Saw some not very nice juniors gossiping abt me
Jade earrings and what not...
Raymond and Lip Yong
You are on my wanted list.
With a bounty on your head to have incurred my wrath.

Constantine opens today.
Went out with 6 gd frens
Kelvin
Eugene
Swee Leong
Jay
Raymond
Ho Zong
Constantine was good.
4.5 stars from me.
VERY cool action
Sleek style from Keanu Reaves of course
Great play on the in betweens
Stunning effects
Heaven and Hell
Redemption and Condemnation
Gettin stuck in between isn't very pleasant
Especially with semi-demons lurking
Demi-angels pretty much helpless.
Btw, its not nice being psychic
Or having the 3rd eye
Many underlying dark notions
Not for the faint-hearted
Nor the religious
Perfect for believers
For the clueless?
Just sit back and stone and gape about the effects and sound
It was masterfully done.
A must-watch. =)

Some Saturday...

So... its been some time since i have blogged
And i'm surprised some people made noise
So i'll satisfy your desire for gossip
Here.
Then again
It's not really gossip.
Simply a day in my perspective.
Right?
Ugh.
I sound like some gossip guru...
Well.
The NY Debate Soc had their invitationals today
And I was juz chairing one room.
I guess you could say it was exciting yet boring concurrently.
This 1st round was fun.
With HCJC and VJC shooting verbose bullets at each other.
Me and Terry sittin there enjoying the carnage.
Giggling at girls with ultra short skirts.
Meanwhile trying to catch a hint of their bombastic language and economic jargon...
Man... was i suffering
What with 'veto', 'imperative', altruistic', 'over-specialisation', 'political arms twisting'
Yadda yadda.
Actually, i had no problems.
Suppose it was Terry who had the blanker look.
Oops.
Don't catch this post =P
What was funny was this VJ J1 guy.
He got 'POI'ed by ALL the Hwa Chong girls
And guess what?
He accepted everything.
Which was 4 POIs all together.
Guess he couldnt withstand their charm
Or venom rather...
He only missed one cause he turned around in time
Leaving the HC gal feelin pretty stupid.
After the adrenaline pumpin Round 1
Rounds 2 and 3 pales in comparison
I was begginin to feel idiotic reading the same thing again... and again... AND again....
So i shan't elaborate anymore.
Lest i lose more precious brain cells
IF i had any left...

Apparently i still had some 'emergency' reserves
Which were revived after i tickled Char abt her fashion sense.
Again.
Which was very fun i must say =)
Earlier today i was talkin to Ian
I figured there must be a reason for Ian being Ian
Right.
You dont get it.
Ian for being so extravagant.
He said.
He found no meaning in life
He needed something to substantiate his existence
Material comfort gave him his reason
He failed to find solace in the spiritual aspect
For 10 years.
I suppose he finally gave up.
I personally didn't agree.
Firstly, why i didn't do what Ian does
Is because i simply cannot afford to do so
Secondly.
For my existence, there must be some reason.
So i live to find the reason to live...
But then again.
I can only understand.
The immense feeling of loss
The big question of why?
What is the meaning of life?
What are we living for?
For education?
For our parents?
For our friends?
For fun?
For sex?
For fuck's sake?
FOR WHAT?

Sometimes...
I guess we all can't help but feel it.
The inquisitive need to know.
The sudden rush of nothingness.
Some say, that is what religion is for?
For something to focus and sate our hunger
But then again, the very same problem of loss we face now
Were faced by peoples of the past.
Then why can't religion be simply a tool created by Man to satisfy and quell the loss?
Because there is simply no credible evidence for the existence of a higher being.
Then again, i'm not denying His Greatnesses' existence
Just that we can never be sure.
Ironically, we are only sure because we BELIEVE it to be sure.
For all we know, there may just be that simple answer to this mind-boggling, never ending inquisition.
Faith.
It is what we live on.
Live for.
For now.
All in all.
I believe that religion is simply a ingenious farce invented by Man to give an answer to his own doubts about his existence.
Till then, we still go on living life.

Sinful Indulgences...

Ow.
This is not a good way to start a good weekend.
I had muscles sore enough after a crazy Friday.
With PE and badminton trainin.
Now, i had to torture myself collecting newspapers on Saturday.
OW...
They flare with every tiny flex.
Agony of agonies.
Urgh...
It was good though.
At least most of the class went for lunch together.
I had 2 immense chicken chops with spaghetti.
Bloated.
I can't remember when was the last time i was that bloated.
Anyways...
After a hard day's work
And a good lunch.
We all went home.

It was a blissful sleep
Until Ian called to go to town with Char
I awoke.
Unusually groggy.
Couldnt even sit up proper in bed.
My body was raging in pain.
In the end, feeling stupid...
I had to roll off...
-_-"

We cabbed down to Heeren
Char went window shopping
For a piece of very reavealing fabric that served no practical purpose
At least she had to sense NOT to buy it.
We then went to Cineleisure.
The entire building was covered with the Pepsi Fire and Ice ad.
Kinda overwhelming.
Imagine being immersed in blue and red hues everywhere u went.
We then caught the Fockers.

Goodness, it was hella fun.
Utter ingenuity.
Cheers to the production team.
It was completely stuffed with sexual innuendoes.
Ben Stiller aka Gaylord Focker...
What kind of a father would name his son liddat?
The little boy was soooo adorable
"Asss..... HOLE....."
LOL. Hell.
The dumb dog humping the cat.
'Honk if you are horny' thingy....
Slapstick shit. Haha.
And Barbara Streisand being a sex therapist.
The whole thing was wacky.

Ian brought us to the Hyatt Hotel.
For dinner at mezzo 9
The whole place was so delightful.
I was taking in the delicate interior design with its soft lighting and appropriate choice of music
Fine dining at its best.
I guess i shouldnt be describing the sensory stimulations here.
It would be inexplicable.
Words. Ah, the failure of my language.
It would be best savoured yourself.
Charmaine... Charmaine...
She wont ever learn.
We all know the effects of the volatile combination of Charmaine and alcohol
Forming a disastrous compound called Crazy Char.
She got a vanilla snow.
I downed most of it, leaving some sips for her.
Then left this last considerable bit.
I was abt to finish it when she snatched it and downed everything.
The resultant effect was...
Not good.
She almost immediately burst into a fit of senseless giggles as shock registered on my face.
There would be no turning back.
It was kinda embarassing.
Losing composure like that in a place of fine dining.
Like mezza 9.
She was dropping her food.
Laughin senseless.
Saying gibberish.
People might have got the wrong idea u know.
2 guys with 1 drunk lass.
But well, things pretty much sobered up to some extent later
It was midnight when we got home.
Exhausting day it was.
OUT.

Bleah

A rather boring start.
As always with Ng Kim Teck's geog tutorial.
As always ending up as an iceblock afterwards.
Then, it was Econs tutorial.
I dreaded it.
Not becoz of the teacher, but becoz of the subject itself.
Didn't i mention Econs just wasn't me?
Argh, fuckin irritating pop-ups.
We were doin the Price Indexes thingy.
It was the worst.
Not only did i have to deal with Econs, but also calculus.
SICK...
Curse that bitch of a Jerry to laugh.
Abysmal idiot.
-_-"...
Hope you are reading this.

The rest of the day was rather uneventful.
Slackin for 2 hours in btw lectures.
Had fun with badminton today.
Taught a few ppl....
Like Jerry....
Wonder why i did that....
But then again i got my revenge b4 teachin him.
Caught him in the shoulder with a smash.
Haha. =P!
Btw, i must think of something to counter Zhi Xian and curb my lob shot weakness.
Icky mistakes.

After sch was rather sian.
Had to go for this STOOPID make-up session with CCS
Yuk!
And Su Zhen was turned into a hag.
That was ticklish =).
Ended disgustingly late tho.
And i just got home.
What a waste of my precious time....

Guess i might as well...

I had felt a sort of longing for Xinhui Primary School, it was like a sort of attachment to the school, the young children, the warm and friendly teachers, and especially our marvelous cook, Da Shen. A part of me refused to let go, unable to make myself leave the premises that felt like a second home to me.

I began to think, such was the carefree lifestyle that the people there led, unfettered by things going on in the outside world, they enjoy life living in a world of their own. At first, I felt sorry for the people, having to live in such a harsh and bleak environment, but after I interacted with the children, made small talk. I began to understand that they were happy with whatever they had. It did not matter to them that they did not have things like cameras, proper toilets or sleek new facilities. They live life contented with what they had. Something us Singaporeans could probably never achieve. Unlike them, we live in a competitive society. We have to fight to get what we want. It was hard for me to learn to treasure things I have, because I did not see their worth. I simply wanted them for the sake of wanting them, as if they were a measure of someone's overall outlook. But after the trip, I learned one thing from the children, I treasure what I have and am contented with it. It was pointless having something I do not treasure, it would just be a piece of trash in my hands and I would rather it be a treasure in someone else’s hands.

Being away so long from the rigours of city living, it was expected to have some kind of withdrawal syndrome due to the stark inconvenience of things. I admit I had it for the first 3 days at most, then it vanished, Xinhui felt like home. Getting away from the hustle and bustle of city life had its benefits. It allowed me time to myself, a time so precious I would never have in the fast-paced lifestyle in Singapore. At long last, I had a chance to look into myself and discover for myself my strengths, my weaknesses, my personality and my identity, I saw what kind of a person I was. I would try to change my weakness and fortify my strengths. Hopefully, to make myself a more acceptable person to others. I tried to open my introverted nature as much as I could and I found out that everything was not so bad if people were willing to be honest with each other. Something, which rarely happens in a society like ours.

What the project achieved was that it laid each and everyone of us bare, honest, good or ugly. We saw each other, forgave their faults and encouraged whatever was good. In this short time, we forged strong friendships that would last many, many trials

Aaron Lim Si Ru 04A2

New style in town!

Well, its been a long time... i figured that maybe i want to try something new
Something informal.
I'm new, so can't really grasp it yet, jane n jerry would know what it's like.
So... noticed yet? =)
I think i t feels more casual to the reader anyway
The first time i came across this
It felt so close
There were no barriers
As if the blogger was juz standin there bloggin away at your face
Thats how i like it, hope i captured the stylistic breaks
Then again, it'll take time
Then again, i may get sued for piracy =P

I think i'm becomin lazy...
Come to think of it...
I've always been.
Not much of a difference eh?
Ya.
I thought so, just tryin not to think so badly of myself.
Well. My weekend's... 'Bleah!' =P
I had to do spring cleaning, which involves your average mom turning into a obnoxious droid commander, shooting off orders like a rapid-fire laser gun at ME. -_-"
I often wondered how i had ever survived?
Luckily, i found some solace with an outing with frens on Saturday, so i wasn't overworked mindlessly.
I enjoy sanity, and hold it dearly, and would not want to abandon myself to insanity, for the sake of mundane household chores.
As i said. We caught Elecktra.
Jennifer Garner was, well, stunning in red leather tights wielding 2 rais(her dagger-like weapons)
Somehow, the rest of the plot didn't quite carry along.
The story was clipped, less than satisfactory fight scenes (with it being barely satisfactory was Jenn Garner whipping around with impossibly elastic moves).
The movie somehow didn't befit the era now, it would be more of a hotshot flick if it was ever aired a decade ago.
Yes, that was the standard, rather criticism i gave.
I am more anticipating the opening of 'Constantine' =)
Charmed fans, do watch out for the season finale the following 2 Wednesdays.
Blog Out.

Owwww....

Hey, its a tuesday. Duh... not a bad one... know why? Cause there's NO ECONS! Haha... econs really drives me nuts, i can literally tear my hair out trying to comprehend, link, let alone DO the tutorials... Guess i'm a goner. Geog lecture would have been extremely dead when Ng Kim Teck's lecturing and freezing us with those cold jokes of his, had not been for the awesome video clip on vulcanicity. It was good, we saw Mt St Helens collapse, Pinatubo exploding, and those Hawaiian shields spewing forth all they've got... Spectacular, amazing how destructive Nature can be? But at the same time aesthetic as well? Erie... Like some dark paradox. Lit was as usual, could have died from over-sweetening. Everything thing else went ok.

For afternoon PE today, we did the 5 stations, coz we alr did the 2.4km run last week. I was rather surprised at myself, for shuttle run i did 10.2, i know its not amazing, but it was quite close to my other fren who did 9.8, i used to do like 11 odd last time =) Then came pull ups... haiz... rather unthinkable that i'll be able to do it. It was at the monkey bars, coz our pull up bars along with the basketball courts are under-construction. So... dumpin everythin outta my mind, i gave it all, eyes scrunched up. My eyes opened in shock when i realised i actually lifted my chin to the bar, i was so surprised. i did 2 it didnt count coz my chin just reached the bar n didn't go over. Oh but who cares? I didn't make it for broad jump. So no further mention.

After PE, i sat down at the grandstand, for the longest time waitin for my fren whos playin soccer to go for some first aid massage course. I waited nearly 40 mins not really moving. When i stood up finally, suddenly this snapping pain shot through both my legs, OW. Pure agony to stand or squat. My leg muscles simply locked up, bunched tight together, couldn't really manuver well. Guess what? I had badminton training str8 after the first aid thing. Hell, during training my legs were on fire, and my footwork was erratic due to the pain shooting away. Ugh. Bad, bad, bad, bad......

Btw, for Charmed tmr, its 'Reality Check' with demons organising this reality tv show, interested? Catch it on 5 at 8.30pm.

-_-"

I'm in school now. I am officially zoned out. Blank. Void. Empty.

I'm at home now. Today was fucked up. Yes, totally, abysmally, revoltingly FUCKED UP. I never felt more stupid than i ever did. Now, don't ever say, idiotic, spastic or lame things to me tmr. Not even a hint.

So... So... Lost...

Ah... i'm so shagged. Just got home after trainin. We gotta new coach this time, and now, trainin is even tougher than b4, we have to run 4 rounds as warm up then further stretchin then intense footwork trainin... Ow, i can almost feel the familiar ache of my muscles. The worst thing is that trainin is on tuesday and friday, i have PE on both days, i end at 12.10 on friday and badminton trainin starts at 5... This sux...

I feel lost. Suddenly. Like i've lost my path in life. I don't know what to look forward to. I don't know what to strive for. Suddenly, this profound loss left me paralzyed. I dunno why, but I would have these 'blank-out' instances sometimes, where I am at a complete loss, like my memory has been erased or something. Sigh, maybe its stress at school, maybe is stress everywhere, maybe its everything going wrongly at the wrong time.

Like a lost soul, adrift, adrift, adrift....

New Blogskin?

Goodness gracious me..., my tagboard's damn sad man.... so empty... Is it because my blogskin's too dull? I guess not everyone's a Charmed Fan.... =P Ok.... in a bid for wanting more tags, i shall work to change my blogskin! Cause everyone's just taggin by saying they tagged and for me askin them to...? I feel horrible.... =( Some friends u guys are... =P

Pensive...

I'm am pensive, not sure what of, just simply pensive. Deep in thought, shrouded in my own reality. Wondering about everything. Somehow, i targeted the recent spate of events. The tsunami. It descended pain and misery upon its victims. What was its purpose? Was it really a doing of a Higher Being, to punish Man for his sins? But why South East Asia, where the people lived innocent and happy lives, why not the scheming and conceited countries in other parts of the world? Was it simply His way of population control? Were the victims sacrificed as a means to evoke compassion once again in this steely world? Was it simply natural occurence? Or Fate? WHAT is the reality of things? We cannot explain...

And what i find most depressing and distressing is the avariciousness of Man in this time of disaster. I guess it's simply Man's nature to be selfish and keep the best for himself. Therefore, unity in its truest sense is unattainable, because we cannot even attain unity among fellow human beings, even the one same species of animals unite in strength against vicious foes. Ironically, us humans, the most intelligent beings on this very Earth, cannot abstain from the temptations of internal strife, expects to exact their judgements and manner upon others and subjugate them to their will and political power-plays and threats. We cannot, over so many millenia of evolution acheive unity, for all our ingenuity, for all our philosophies, for all that we are now, unity still remains a faraway ideal...

Why? It is a question to ask the world.

I've been feeling so many things at once recently, from everywhere. Home, school, the news, friends. Somethings just make me want to ask so many whys. I don't exactly know why i'm writing this post at all, but i feel as if there is something hidden within me that i do not know of...

I do not know whats wrong with me, once again, i lost my temper and shouted at my sister. Now... i feel so guilty... The poor thing, now i feel its unfair to her, why did i have to do that just because we couldn't agree? I am disappointed with myself that i could not control my frustrations and temper and irritation and so many other emotions that i needed to vent out. I was closed in, and unwittingly she became my only source of release. I'm truly repentant. I just couldn't help it. At times, i would feel absolutely powerless, weak, helpless, at the mercy of all around me, at the mercy of Fate and Destiny. I felt like a pawn, like there were so many other things in the world i am wrongfully ingnorant of.

I guess i went beyond the limit break, and blew my top.

So many things are just out of reach, as inventive, adaptable, innovative we humans are, advancing at lightspeed over the centuries, even with a vast cache of all information we could garner, even on this tiny Earth (in galactic proportions). Compared to all that exist, we are but so infinitesimal, insignificant, inconsequential to the workings of the Grand Design. So left with no answers, all we could do is question... Why did terrorists have to destroy the WTO. Why did SARS come about along with other incurables. Why did the tsunami have to cost South East Asia so many lives and property loss? WHY did humanity come to this world to live a life like this? Is that why we chose to seek the Higher Existences/Beings (God) to direct us in our blind path?

So many questions... Who answers? I will continue this the next posting, do drop comments on my blabbering. =|

Oops!

Yep, sorry i had to zip away just like that. Had a horrible day at school really, completely zeroed out. Brain-dead. I had PE... which required running 6 rounds (and i don't have fantastic stamina) and doin PT, actually it wasn't too bad, but i had drama prac right after, which requires me to juggle 3 roles in 2 short plays. So... i'm onstage most of the time, sayin, no strainin my poor voice tryin my best to project my voice. Now my vocal cords are achin, after all those runs of Sing to the Dawn, with me nearly dying at the not so high notes... Ouch.

And if that wasn't bad enough, i only ended like 7+. Normally, i would take 20 minutes to take 156 and change to 13, 54 or 88, but since i was with Ben, i had to take 53 and change to 162, this time, the cursed 162 took abt half an hour to come, in the end resulted with me reaching home at 8, exhausted and hungry. XP

The bazaar is tmr. Dammit, gotta remember lines. And another dammit, i still haven't started on homework. Certified Dead.

School... juz another part of life... But, I HATE IT!

Helo, haha, im postin this post in school now. Im like at drama practice, but we haven't really started yet, so im usin the console, the rest of the guys are just goin around doin publicity. Stuff, ya know...

School's been really bad, well at least not bad to the fact that all the teachers are threatening us with knives at out necks for our holiday homework, but giving extra homework isn't exactly nice. Econs was the worst, we have ... er i gtg now, gotta help, brb...