I sail. Through the crests and the troughs.

We are on to the last part of our deployment today. We are leaving harbour soon as i type this entry. Soon we will be on watch again. Alot of things have happened since the start of our deployment, but i'm just gonna let things go and begin anew. I'm not hoping for time to pass quickly, i'm just hoping i can experience everything fully. Soon, we will be heading home, soon...

The Desert Tour.

After bumming around in the Middle East, land of the rich Arabic cultures, i could hardly have missed out on the desert tour. If you were expecting the mystic stuff and tents and desert trekking and everything else you see in pictures, you couldn't be more wrong. But the real thing was close enough, most importantly, REAL enough.

We arrived around early evening, so we could escape the afternoon blaze and the scorching sandstorms, we visited a camel farm sort of, which consisted of nothing more than a few run down shacks and animal pens. The whole place stank of animal excrement, you couldnt walk and NOT step on anything. Cam-whoring sessions begin.

The sun begins to set and it casts a golden hue upon the crested dunes. The desert is like a sea of sand, the dunes like endless waves upon the endless desert, the dune peaks catch the light of the setting sun and casts them across the desert. The desert shimmers.

Soon we were boarding our 4 wheeled drives and we proceed for dune-bashing. Which is like having a roller coaster ride among the dunes. Oh the yelling. I couldnt say more. The sun glows red, settle atop a high dune to catch the sunset. Cam-whoring, yet again. We collected some sand for souvenirs, then proceeded to the desert encampment for dinner.

There was camel riding available, but i didnt ride. Those poor beasts look so miserable and they were whining and making all sorts of noises after being made to repeatedly stand and kneel to ferry people. One gave a particularly loud noise when one of the horizontally challenged tourists mounted it, albeit with much difficulty, and grunting.

Dinner was arabic buffet and bbq meats, all spread out on carpets laid on the sand, with firm cushions and a low tablet. I can't decide if i wanted to sit on the carpet or the sand, except that the sand had the tendency to get into nasty places. There was booze and some furious belly dancing, culminating with most of us dancing on the stage with her. And that was that.

Now. 1838H 19.11.08

Just had a very spicy dinner. We are sailing towards our area of ops again. Can't exactly put what i'm feeling into words. But suffice to say it's a large spectrum from the worst to the best. I just hope i don't swing around too much. Now, i'll just let the days flow me by.

A dark maelstorm.

Thursday 1600H 13.11.08

We have just arrived at harbour in Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates. It's been a long long journey, and till date 3/4 of our deployment has been completed, been lots of ups and downs, hasn't all been smooth sailing. But, I've come a long way, and I'll be home soon. It's alot of mixed feelings really, and i'm pretty ambivalent about it all. As much as I enjoy being out here and all, home calls to me all the same. And i wonder how will i deal with it at crunch time.

In restrospect. Some excerpts.

Wednesday 1707H 12.11.08

We had a confrontation. A gunner and I. It was a long time since i had shouted. It was ugly. He had accused me of sleeping on the job. Insisted. Saying I was being watched reading. That i was a BLACK SHEEP. That riled me. He casts aspersions upon me on the comms. Shattering the credibility i've been trying so hard to rebuild. Yte part of what he said had been true, it feels rotten to be second rate after all this while, i just didnt need someone to rub salt into my wounds all the time.

It then occured to me that i was being so naive. So stupid, so useless, no more worth than my occasional sarcasm. Acting all self-congratulatory to make myself feel better, about things that dont matter. What a small person I am. Self centred. Mindless. Yet i had exploded and lashed out with all my vindictiveness and angst. Feeling so myopic in the end. At the same time, i had felt so discredited and belittled by his remarks. Having doubt cast on me. That made it all the harder to clear my name. I hated everything he said. Even if it were part truth, that i had been a letdown. I had thought too highly of myself, thinking myself immune or above all these machinations.

The confrontation had made it worse. Suddenly i felt so alone, all eyes on me. Doubting me. I wonder what had become of me. I was astounded. He hit home a point. I would never have tolerated my behaviour on someone else. How could i bear to tolerate it on myself?

I had been so blind.
All is quiet.
All alone.
I need time.
The fire has faded.
And all i have is regret.

Wednesday. 1902H 12.11.08

What a poison that festers in my heart. I'm so miserable, so useless, so unwanted. And i'm helpless against it. It makes me so wretched, I'm disgusted with myself. I have been discredited, for a few mishaps, a victim of circumstances, yet i had done nothing but pushed blame aside. Hardly what i expected of myself as an adult.

I had fought tooth and nail to get where i am. But it appears i lack the mental fortitude to pull through. So weak like a willow in the wind. How will i survive the harsh reality, when i will not place the blame elsewhere but myself. Indeed, i am the black sheep. I abhor that word. It is vile. How did it all come to this?

Thursday 0504H 13.11.08

How do you pen down a maelstorm of thought? It hurt so much when those words were said. Had i myself not tried? Was i not disappointed with myself for being beneath my juniors? Yet i could not fault the things being said. All the more painful when i realised that. How did it feel for me to be left in the dark, oblivious to everything, being the last to know?

Even so, it ate at my self esteem, that i'm the weak link for so long, the weakest link, and acting like a fool of it. Abandoned, unwanted, thrash, a pain in the ass. Is that what i am? It felt like everyone was watching me with jaundiced eyes. Just putting up a front in my face.

That thought left me cold, alone and my mind shattered.

What must i do now? What CAN i do?

It's so cold.

Yep, i have been away for awhile, time's just a little tight here. We are now about halfway done, halfway more to go. The weather has changed, drastically. It's a measly 20 degrees even in the day, which was just now, the sky was overcast and it actually rained a heavy drizzle. Packed with chilling winds that make everything worse.
'
Thats all for the updates, i can't bear to put my mind thru anymore stress rigth after a mind and body numbing 4 hr watch.

what is this?

it's a cold sunday morning onboard the ship at 1 am. i'm in the training room where all the vsat facilities are, bathed in the warm glow of the lights, alone in the corner, blogging. there are 2 other people on the phone, happy in their own little conversations, their own world, we ignore each other. i hear footsteps and happy-racous beer-drunk voices, someone invites me to a drinking bout, i politely but firmly rejected it. i ensconce myself away, for awhile at least i try. privacy and solitude are such rare commodities here.

it's around 6 in singapore where it's still shrouded in darkness and everyone's snug asleep on the weekend, glad to be away from work. and i'm so alone. as such i wish there were someone to talk to, anyone. but no one's awake.

i'm so sick, so tired, so irritated. i just happened to lose my camera in Doha, in some cab. so easily replaceable with some money. why do i care? not replaceable are everything else that i beheld with mine own eyes. those are the precious things, all those things i took are part of my memories, losing it is like having amnesia, for the pictures taken from someone else are not taken from mine eyes. they are not mine. i might as well take them off the net.

so many things have happened, my phone died on the first day, i have to keep contending with some people i can't avoid, people who are out to make life difficult for me, people whose minds have no rein over their mouths, mouths that spit poison but pretend it to be playful banter, words that deliver stinging slaps not in the name of playful verbal sparring, out to hurt whether of ignorance or sheer viciousness i know not, also there are people that are insensitive, doing things to inconvenience the whole lot, people who use their rank and position to the fullest in the most condescending manner possible, people who are arrogant that i happen to share the mess with. and i had to lose the most tangible form of memories to ignorance on my part due to fatigue, who can i blame but myself?

i really really wonder if i can contend with this any further.

and i am helpless to do anything but hide away.

i wonder if i might implode.

i wonder what else i might lose?

The Trial by Tobasco.

And the tale begins on the fateful eve of my 21st birthday. The navy is known for the crazy things people do when the ship crosses the equator. My 21st birthday is merely a glimpse of that.

Hah, it began well enough, the clock struck 12, SG time while we were on watch. Bravo Watch counted down and sang me a birthday song on the comms net. Which was very nice. Before i was done thanking them, i hear evil laughter. And yes i'll be in for a hell of a ride.

Sure enough, i was dumped into a swill bin, luckily for me the bag was already sealed, but that did not exclude the smell and the leaks. Summarily, in my mess, i was tackled, pinned, tied, bound, stripped. Then come the stuff.

Markers, feng you, and lastly TOBASCO. All in the wrong places where the sun dont shine. Then dragged into the toilet for a thorough drenching and toilet brushing, though it did little to help the burning which for a moment i thought someone doused my nether regions with flammables and set them afire. The fire raged for half and hour. Water and soap did little to help.

After they were done with me, the real fun began. By that i mean collateral damage. LaiHock, ChongYee, August, Bernard, Samuel all got roped in. The toilet was a mess of water, coke, sprite, soap, and tobasco sauce.

Well that was that for my 21st. I will need some time to reflect.

P.S. Tobasco is EVIL.

So many things. Too little time. The Irony of it all.

Well, according to someone who decided to do some maths, we apparently have 67 more days out at sea before we arrive back in Singapore waters, Changi Naval Base. I wonder if it's a good or bad thing. I actually have loads to share for the past few days when i've been out of touch due to work and fatigue, but now right after a 4 hour watch, my mind's quite numbed and empty.

Ah bugger, i'll just give a brief rundown. On monday, i was given the opportunity to cross deck to HMS Lancaster, thats even after i didnt get picked in the ballot, its coz my Ops Officer was nice enough to give up his spot for me. Naturally i was rather excited after all i'm gonna be visiting an English Warship. So we were all prepared and waiting at the tank deck for the RHIB to arrive and pick us up, right when we were gonna board, the RHIB could only take 6 and i was the last min 7th insert, so i was taken out. Disappointed yes, turns out there was some miscomm, some other officer took the spot my OpsO gave to me. Oh well. Too bad. Get over it. But everyone else who heard about it came to comfort me, made me feel better, not that i felt very bad in the first place but yeah, i appreciated it. Guess what i lost in some aspects i gained in others.

The very next day, i was TOLD to go for cross deck to USCG Aquidneck, a coast guard patrol vessel. This time i did go. It was quite the experience, the officers and crew were very hospitable and accomodating, i'm quite taken aback by how so many people can live in such small spaces, but it's quite a capable vessel despite the size and age. Managed to get myself a ball cap in exchange for some of my stuff.

So that's the gist of it all.

This is for Kelvin

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be, the last of life, for which the first was made
(Robert Browning)

Thank you for the drinks
Thank you for the fun
Thank you and you, and you.

Thank you for all the letters
Thank you for the dinners
Thank you, and you and you.

Thank you for being there
Thank you for being everywhere
Thank you to you, and you and you.

Thank you for the help
Thank you for the advice
Thank you for being nice.

Thank you for msn
Thank you for all these times
Thank you, all of you.

Thank you for the kind words
The encouragement
Thank you, and you and all of you.

Thank you for the good times
Thank you for the care
Thank you for
You;
And for more Thank Yous.

Credits

And a Big Thank You to Dear Suzie for letting me have this, I owe you =)

Dubai : The High Life.

Enough about the drab and dull of downtown Dubai. It's time for me to fill you in about the glitz and glamour of uptown Dubai. Clearly seen the oil money has not gone down the drain and it has put that so much opulent use, good or bad, or ugly, so long as it entertains.

The first place we visited was the Mall of the Emirates, easily the largest mall i've seen dwarfing even our VivoCity, it's range of goods are near limitless, boasting the largest Carrefour franchise, say about twice the size we have in Singapore. I think it's the first i've seen a whole jetski on sale in a department store, the kind you would die to own (for me at least). A Grand Turismo cockpit to boot, the kind you actually sit inside to drive. Ski Dubai is also inside, it's like a huge snow park. It's probably Paragon and everything else on Orchard Road in one building plus a Snow City.

Next we visited Wild Wadi, it's an immense water theme park, very extravagant for a country where rain only comes for a week in a year. Of course the rides were equally extravagant. There was a reverse water slide where you get launched upslope by powerful jets of water, its like a water course around the whole theme park. The age old wave pool, the kiddy park with the huge water bucket. There's also a surfing place where you can try surfing against wave jets. Lastly a 7 storey high water slide which is the highlight of the place, i'd admit its quite daunting, somehow i still managed some balls for it, i'd consider it the 3rd crazy ride of my life, 2 of which in Korea. I just remember a sickening drop and lots of water in my face before exploding in a flurry of water.

Did i mention? Wild Wadi also overlooks the Dubai icon, the 7 star hotel, the Burj Al Arab. It was dazzling in the evening dusk, sitting on a lone island in its pearly whites, draped with golden hues, as the skies settled into twilight, the tower glows alive. We took pictures of the whole City from the 7 storey slide tower. From the Central Mosque to the Tallest Building and still under construction, cant remember the name, to the Burj Al Arab of course.

Okay, i'm supposed to end with something but i forgot. Sailing again tmr, oh the boredom!

A new day has come.

It's my last day in Dubai and we are on duty today. Dubai is indeed a place with sights to see, us guys in Mess 5 sure did have loads of silly beer games and drinking fun onboard ship. Suffice to say we are well rest, physically to say the least.

But for some reason my mind can't stop.

Soon we'll be departing for NAG 2 duties and it's no surprise why i'm starting to dread it. Everyone's startin to get on edge, they are snappier, get angry easier, the officers start to question and allocate blame and responsibilities. The effects are starting to show on the people below, they are frustrated, agitated, complaining about things and people they normally would just ignore.

I tell you, the ship is chock full with dynamite just waiting for the right moment. And it's scary to watch the timebomb tick down. So much friction, i hope it doesnt create too much sparks. I must say it's rather depressing to watch.

Am i tired or is it something else?

I wonder what's come over me, i wonder if it's just my duty yesterday, that i just finshed cleaning arms or is it something else entirely that i can't put my finger on. All is well, we are in Dubai now, but theres nothing more interesting than that.

Indeed true when people say the grass is always greener on the other side, it is for me anyhow, i'm missing alot of things, not feeling ecstatic, or feeling anything in particular, it's probably nothing at all in the first place.

So numb.

And i don't know what to do.

October 3rd. London.

Yes, now i know why pee misundestood my , or rather she interpreted it in a way i didn't mean it to, or i'm too blind to see it myself. Indeed, i have been rather steeped in the cyber world, so much so that sometimes i forget people close to me. And in retrospect, the italics seem so childish, i'm ashamed of myself. Finally, now that i'm here, i cherish that which i have lost. Now that it's been a month, i realise what matters. Really, the was a superflous bunch of verbose crap. Maybe coz i was half asleep. I was just forcing myself to think, i wasn't really feeling.

Why October 3rd. London?

Why, it's obviously not me.

Why, it's one of my closest friend.

I hadn't realised that his departure would mean so much. His being at home in Singapore gives my some assurance here, that i would have someone to talk to, to listen to me whatever the issue, to encourage me whatever it is. Now that he's going to leave, i feel somewhat uprooted and cast adrift without an anchor of stability.

Yes, i admit sometimes i'd take advantage of him as an emotional dumping ground. And i feel guilty that i have nothing more to offer than words.

We've known each other for close to 11 years now, it's always been a comforting presence, there's a sense of emptiness there, now that he's leaving, a certain void. You may think i'm exaggerating, perhaps. But, it pains me beyond words to not be able to say goodbye. Probably numbs the effect that i'm not even there, i'm just gonna have to acknowledge that. And that, will take some getting used to.

Recollections from the Gulf

Well, now that we've gotten used to the duty watch system means i'm gettin bored on watch. So i was just randomly thinking up stuff to keep awake, to prevent my Chief from picking on me, even though nothing i do will stop it. I'll just have to get over it, though i know it's pissing my ass off. I try.

So indeed the below are the what i managed to come up with over 2 watches.





In the wind I stand.
Under the blanket of stars.
The watch never tires.



Land aloft the sea.
A bird does not lay its eggs.
Liquid gold it hides.



There are eyes everywhere.
Watching. Or scanning.
There are lights everywhere.
Illuminating. Or searching.
There are dhows everywhere.
Fishing. Or waiting.


A cold moonless night
The gunmetal cover of darkness

Lazy sunbeams peek through the shades.
I lay ensconced in a world of dreams.

My world is a vivid green haze.
Lights of faerie fire dance wildly.

Awake, I reconnect my consciousness to the world.
Graceful, I skim the web like a playful sprite.

Captured as blips on the radar.
Like bugs in a web.

Unfettered, I walk the cyber pathways.
Enchanted, I enter the portal of fantasy.

Invisible chatter zoom from ship to ship.
Calm or agitated, yet all fast and furious.

I command Hermes at my fingertips.
Engaging strangers, engaging friends.

Sharks secure the barricade like weary watchdogs.
A mine, a fount of black liquid gold.

A wicked rhythmn snares my soul.
And I surrender my sensibilities for a night.

A chopper roars overhead.
Reluctant, I leave my trance.


Enjoy,

There lies a question.

Someone talked to me today

Him: So you extended your service for one year?
Me: Yeah, i already pushed back my studies for a year?
Him: Really? That's stupid
Me: silence

He had no idea, no idea how much i went through just to get my sad ass here. And now that we are all fighting that mental battle within ourselves when things get tough, this just had to sink it.

Not that i blame him, i just hate that sickening feeling, yeah simply because he's ignorant or inconsiderate, or just tired when certain things slipped his mouth for that matter.

And right at the time when i'm beginning to wonder if i made the right choice, i began to question myself, i felt doubt poison my mind. There is still a long way more to go. This is only the beginning.

It didn't hit me at first, then after awhile, the creep infested my mind. Vile and revolting. I don't remember feeling so poisonous in a long while. For a sick, sick moment, I relished the feeling. Then cast it away.

Things your mind do to you in a cage of a ship.

Oh, I saw dolphins the other day.
Loads of em.
For some reason, they don't really excite me to tell the tale anymore.

The Beginning of the End.

Alas, our tour of Bahrain has come to an end. It has been a good stay, wonderful food. Spent loads on merchandise. Like USD 115 Oakleys, a watch and a whole lot of other stuff. So far things have been going well, just that our departure has been delayed somewhat due to some issues, so we get to stay longer and that means spending more money, sigh.

On a more sombre note, this is just a reflection of what just happened, no details, just go figure.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

That has always been a touchy subject in the forces. Punishments are imposed immediately upon any breach of such. I understand it being discipline, but overdoing it makes us look pompous.

Down from the lowliest of the low to the king of kings, honestly, paying of such compliments being demanded as the law cheapens its intended purpose of paying respects, it simply becomes an aesthetic gesture.

I dont see how a senior officer should demand compliments more than a junior officer should. After all, who we are saluting is the President who bestowed the rank upon the officer and not the officer himself. Regarding the seniority of the officer it should be reflected in the behaviour of one interacting with said officer and not purely in the gesture of an empty salute or bland greeting.

Ultimately, respect needs to be earned and not given purely by virtue of one's rank or establishment, it's more of working to earn that respect due you. It's rather depressing that a some people are still subscribing to such a superficial mentality.

A senior officer demanding compliments VS a senior specialist who works to earn said respect.

I'll give it to the one who earns it.

A foreign land

A foreign land.
A land scarred barren with a khaki blanket.
A scorching and stifling land.

Welcome to Naval Support Activity Bahrain (NSA).
A U.S.N Military Base in Bahrain.

Hola to all of you.
I've just landed my first toes on Bahraini land yesterday. Things have been crazy, so has the satellite. Apologies for no calls and no emails and no updates. I'll bring you up to speed. We arrived in Bahrain yesterday, we've already been in her waters for quite awhile, just that port clearance took eons and Arabs are usually more liberal with their time.

Anyway, the weather here SUCKS. Singapore is PARADISE. One day we were sailing and the night winds were chilling, the very next day it was like sailing into a heatwave. I often wonder how i managed to survive under my helmet and anti-flash gear for so long, its a constant 38 - 42 degrees here. It's hot hot HOT!

So far it's my second day of liberty, the first day wasn't much cause most shops were closed when we arrived, and it is Ramadan period now, so that means fasting from sunrise till sunset. Bahrain will revive again after sunset. So now, i'm actually inside the U.S encampment NSA, it's sorta like a R&R area for the military, and the only place alive in Bahrain during Ramadan. Gonna go out and explore Bahrain soon, it's almost sunset. Gonna look for decent oakleys, cause the heat is ridiculous.

Hikari

Lights. If i had the time. If i had the luxury. I would gladly write a poem in awe of nature's beauty like dear Coleridge would. I miss poetry. Yes, i have seen the endless seas. Yes, i have witnessed brilliant sunrises and sunsets. Yes, i have stood through the misty rains. And yes, i have seen the sky painted with stars.

But tonight was different. I saw lights in the ocean. Little blips of blue green orbs, everywhere. It was like fireflies, in the ocean. And as the ship plows through the ocean, majestic waves white waves are thrown side to side. As the crests of the waves break, it bursts into life with a bright luminscent glow, as if burning as brightly as it can before it expires into nothingness.

And there i stood, utterly mesmerised, i simply stared, and admired the naked beauty of nature. It was as if the ship was sailing on a bed of stars, ruffling them as we go by, like we are sailing through the skies... No words are adequate description.

Did i mention we saw whales? And flyin fish skittering across the ocean? A story for another day =)

Lost at sea.

So many things are goin on now at this time. I'll admit i'm in quite a mess. Watch duties are due in about 8hrs time. The official watch duties are comin in soon. I managed to get into youtube somehow. Listenin to Paige Williams - So Much More.

It's gettin hectic. Drills. Gunnery work. Watch duties. Stress. It's all takin a toll. And it's only like 8 days? I've lost track of time. Things are really gonna go up one notch now. I'm not broken yet. Not by a long shot. No. It's just that ... I can't place it, it's so many things that i'm feelin. Yeah, i'm missing the life back in Singapore.

Perhaps i just need more sea breeze to blow it all off. Bask in the moonlight and a sea of stars.

Anyway, we'll be calling to port in Bahrain soon, can't say much about it, hope it's gonna be fun, yeah, i can't wait to get off the ship. The routineness is really gettin to everyone, it's pretty scary to see sparks fly from the most unexpected of people. I pray i'm not one of those.

So many things are reminding me of so many other things, it's like a jab of heartache every now and then. There's that nagging feeling at the back of my head, i just can't put my finger on...

Listenin to Disturbia

Rihanna's my best friend this trip man. I'm hooked, i'm listenin to her at every turn. Hah, as i said before the sea is indeed gettin alot worse now. People really can't stand still heh. I just had firing the day before, it was alright. I think it's really all about managing stress and confidence. Somehow the firing tested my nerves, how i must be able to pin it down when needed and not fumble on the job, coz if i fumble, it's not just my life at stake... That is a chilling thought. So i guess i'll take this time before we begin proper to prepare.

It's been almost 5 days, it's the 5th day now. No, homesickness hasn't kicked it yet, not for a long shot, but tempers are already flaring, fuses are burnt. It's scary, but it's cold hard reality and it tests us and most importantly myself to be able to handle it. Be it calming the related people or takin someone else's wrath. It's chilling how primal us humans can get when it comes to the basest of our emotions.

I should prolly get going. It's dog watch now.

The High Seas

The floor is never stable onboard a ship, now i know what that means. And its gonna get worse, might have been fun for the moment but not when u start to feel a little top heavy in the HEAD department. Yeah, i'm missing everyone back home, missing all the crazy things we used to do. It might be a little quick for all these homesick talk, but if i don't say it now, i might not have a chance to use the coms when EVERYONE else starts feelin homesick, which is like a hundred over other people.

Otherwise its been a good sail. The open sea sparks of freedom, such pure unadulterated freedom. It's rather ironic that we are stuck onboard a ship... I shall share some nice expressions of sunrises and sunsets if i see some and put them in words as best as i can, coz i can't do any media transfer here...

Now, its about time for dinner. And i'm drained.

What a day.

Okay. The last lines are cast off and we are finally off. I know i've been emo-ing alot to friends lately, and i know that i will be able to handle it when the moment i'm on it. Yeah, it's kind of like going through an emotional void, i'm not feeling anything, not overtly much anyway, kinda numb. Maybe it's a mental self defensive shut down mechanism.

Yeah its a pretty fucked up way to start a day, drunk and hangovers and whatnot. Nevertheless, i enjoyed it, till the point my memory became moot anyway. So that's what being dead drunk is like. Oblivion. Yeah, thats the word. The next thing i knew, my handphone was in a pail of water with my pants and vomit. Wonderful. So pardon me for not being to say last minute goodbyes, part of the reason why i'm feelin so fucked up.

So, i'm floating on the ocean somewhere, praying my drowned phone will be revived soon, it's like losing a part of me, so many people i wanna call to talk to but i can't. I can't use facebook, friendster, or web messenger, youtube too. So my primary means of communication would be emails, blogging, and calling. Sigh... my handphone.....