Mes Essais.

You know, after all the hard work and late nights I've put up with these pieces of shit which are my brain children.

I oughta put em up to share.

Behold the agony of my years.

How far I have fallen

Where is that confidence whereupon I so freely wielded. Where is that lithe grace whereupon I walked among my peers. I have become withdrawn into myself. I have lost that bold confidence. I have grown cold. I look back at the year that has gone by and I simply cant believe the mistakes that I have made. And the repercussions that follow still leave hints in its wake. I am falling into this spiral of fear and dread. For the future I was once so confident about I dread with every passing moment

Why? Why have I allowed myself this lapse? In French, in class, at work, in hall. Is exhaustion and fatigue the only excuse I have for myself? Where is my drive for life. Where is my strength? What is it I seek that gives me strength to push? Or have I debilitated for far too long in this cozy cell of mine. These false impressions. Every time I stand up only to be crippled again. Fear has taken over me. Irrational fear. I hate this. This pit of self-pity. I need more than this.

10.10.10

Merci beaucoup mes amis.

I sincerely thank all of you who have taken time off to attend the event. It isYOU who have made the event a success, it would not have been possible without your support.

You cannot possibly imagine the jitters I was having right before I came on stage to perform for all you. I wanted it to be a tribute from me to you, for all the times we've come to know each other, wherever I may have known you from. What matters is the now.

Words aside I have had a wonderful celebration. It's probably the first and last time I'll ever do such a crazy thing. Ever.

Once again, no amount of thanks can express anything I can say to you. You will be kept in my heart.

The efforts of these months shall not go to waste

After such a long hiatus of not blogging. I am here once more. This is a sad place for awhile for I haven't found anything happy to keep here.

I am disappointed. Very disappointed. I'm not angry, simply nonchalant. For it is nothing if you make me angry rare as that be, I will have forgiven you in a day. But if you have disappointed me, me who holds all my friends in the highest regard, I expect only the least in return.

I never had a proper bash. It doesn't materr how much I may spend. If it be for my friends I would spare no expense in this annual event. Gifts are not required, I ask for your long-awaited presence; no more.

You were in my top 10 list. That was how much I valued you. You were the first two invites to be sent out. But... None even bothered to call. I think no more needs to be said.

Fighting!

It takes alot of finesse to be non judgmental. Simply because it is too easy to be judgmental. One can judge another with little or no effort. Keeping that in mind to be true to yourself takes alot of courage. It is simply easier to change according to your circumstances. Changing faces, wearing masks; we are all master shapeshifters.

Few take the road less trodden, because it's tough and untested; one fears the unknown. They'd stick to the devil the know than the devil they don't.

I have attempted on the path of the one less trodden. I have fallen a few times, but I shall simply raise myself and walk again. For I can only stronger after a trial if I don't fall. For success is not in never failing but rising for every time we fail.

I wish that I didn't have to do what I am doing if I were born with a silver spoon or that I was born without a care in the world other than some superficial needs and wants. No reality has come alot earlier for me and I have no choice but to stand up to it; and that involves some sacrifices.

I blame nothing; for what can I blame upon ignorance?
And so they say ignorance is bliss; yet how can there be bliss if one is ignorant of what they are ignorant about? There is no learning, understanding or even empathy merely dislike, disgruntlement and anger.

I will learn along this journey of life, this is merely one of the many chapters in that infinite tome of knowledge.

How long how long.

How long ago was it when I first started to blog. It's rather curious to see the way my thoughts have evolved and changed, maybe not even for the better. Life has indeed brought me to unexpected places, given me unexpected surprises and bestowed upon me unexpected friends. I couldn't have been more thankful.

As of now, I am teetering on the edge of the Great Unknown of the Adult world as I know it. As much as I wanted to deny being of age, there is no turning back. Life is whisking me off to the strangest places. Oh how I hark back to the days in Catholic High. Kidding around in JC. Boys to men in NS. That period of blissful nonchalance has passed and is long gone. All I can do is to look back at the times that I had wistfully.

- "As the shock of the cold water hit me, a familiar sensation washed down my spine. Time is of no consequence in this realm. As I close my eyes, I hear the familiar sounds of the night; the silent song of the waves, gentle whispers of the night breeze. Nothing but darkness before my eyes, punctuated with little blips of light in the horizon; stars aplenty and the warm orange glow of the floodlights - a corona around my frame. All is still as I exist simultaneously between this schism of time in my mind and reality. I was here and otherwhere, same place, different time."

I let forth an open-hearted laugh as reminiscence filled me, my world came to light again. All I am looking at is a white tiled wall in a dinghy showeroom. All thats left of my other consciousness fled back into the recesses of my memory.

It felt real. For a merest fraction of time. I felt connected.

I knew it was a tough road.

But why did I do it?

I did it because I want to prove my mental fortitude. I challenge myself to my limits daily, because I never really gave a thought to my future doesn't mean that I can't start now. I knew it was tough because the statistics for failure were shown to me, but I want to be one of those that endured everything that was being thrown at them. I want to do this because I don't want to confine myself to a lifestyle that is projected upon me, I want to take the road less trodden. Because this is the time for me to still be able to make mistakes and stand up again, and not 20 years down the road with all the responsibilities on my shoulders, any mistake made might be cripple me forever.

If you so wish to remain in your precious little enclave, you are most welcome. It is your choice. I chose to venture out into the great unknown, the so-called leap of faith that I have taken. I can understand your misgivings, hence I will not try to convince you against something that is deeply ingrained. I just ask that you respect choices. It really doesn't matter that family may sometimes choose to be ignorant, but that might not be true because you and I are entitled to each our own opinions.

I cannot say that I will succeed for sure. But I will certainly try my best.

Lights.

I wish that I lived near the sea.
Hear the waves crash.
The night horizon is an enchanting sight.
A sight that I have gotten so used to.
A sight of warm lights the blip the winedark sea.
A sight that can swallow me up endlessly.
It feels so warm.

To be with the sea of memories once more.

You don't have to know everything.

I'm 23 this year and still I have failed at asserting my own independence. Financially dependent on my Mum, still I'm hoping I didn't have to so I can finally be free of this bondage. Live on my own before I go crazy from the endless, incessant and insensitive questioning that I would often rather not answer.

You don't have to know everything about me. Even if I know that you know some things. You don't have to make it absolute. You don't need to know everything. I have a life that I don't have to report to you for. I will choose to tell you things if you didn't come asking in that voice that insinuates that I have done you some grievous wrong by holding my silence.

You and I both know that we speak metaphorically each time, hidden beneath the lines, so WHY do you want to bring it up insinuating that I'm incompetent, perhaps to you the word pride does not exist in your dictionary, or that YOUR pride overshadows everyone else's in this house.

So why don't you give a try letting me be, because I know how to handle my own affairs and it's about time letting me make decisions without consulting your consent first. Time for surprises, Mom.

So many things. So many things.

A great many things have happened lately and I want to bring them to order. I have been very frustrated with myself, and the dismal performance at the volleyball courts. I have been playing it for about 1.5 years, and the standard and level of play is just capped there. My movements are always wrong, the balls are never accurate, the few things i can really be proud of on while playing are few and far between, being replaced by better players. I hate it, I have to do something about it, I try and try so hard to focus, to control, to play smart. But I'm just not good enough.

A few job opportunities came up, and now I'm kinda wondering where I should place my time. FOC Pnp is kinda taking it's toll, I'm beginning to wonder why I landed myself there, but I just gotta do it. It's my responsibility. Some diamond thingy with Aaron Justin. Prudential. Helping Alan with classes. I'm leaning towards the classes, but that isn't around the corner. Prudential = Sales = Commission. But I'm not confident with sales, but I decide to give it my all, I can't bum around like this.

I am excited by all these future prospects, but I can't lift my heart because of that one person. Again. I really wonder how people see me, what people think of me, how people judge me. Perhaps I need to take a look in the mirror, perhaps I'm the pretentious one. I am the rude one. I am the one being really superficial, but I just can't see it. Until you went silent, I don't know what to think. Have I said something I shouldn't? Have I tried to hide what I really meant? Have I said something I didn't really mean? Have I shattered the image of innocence you had of me? Perhaps I have really broken my own rules unknowingly. All that empty sophistry.

I used to be so "emo", I thought I had conquered that feeling because I have conquered my stupidity for one person. It was an illusion merely, conquering one does not guarantee immunity from all. I am feeling the pangs again, let my common sense prevail. Please, it is a terrible cycle I want to extricate myself from. When I say I'm no longer an "emo" wreck, I may wanna rethink my definitions again.

Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence.

Work intrudes but I shunt them away, I let Ryuichi Sakamoto take me for a ride for a few sparse minutes of bliss. I wish I could hang forevermore in this lilting melody with nothing on my mind, no one by my side, but just thoughts of you, holding you.

Why. It's a question I cannot answer. Smses flood in. Msn tingles for my attention. But I can only rivet my eyes and my heart on that few words of reply from you on FB. I close my eyes when it comes. It seems my simple little wish will never come to pass. Ryuichi reaches the climax, as do I when metaphorical tears brim unbidden, for my eyes have been dry for ever so long. No, it is my heart that cries, the stab of sorrow from your nonchalance. Blithely unaware, for I am nothing to you, a thing that can be assuaged with mere words, empty words that hold no meaning behind its inflection.

Behind the facade of books and work, you fade away into oblivion. I would that my heart could do the very same. Oh how I cry out for release.

That boy is a monster m-m-m-m-monsterrrr....

Pardon me, I just got hooked on that song, albeit a little late. One wonders why I'm up at this hour, indeed; I wonder that myself. It has been a ritual to stay up to god forsaken hours for so long I don't remember when I started. But for once, my mind isn't lost in the labyrinths of my essay concepts. Most, if not all assignments have been cleared, CDP 101 Final Presentation concluded on a wonderful note. It was certainly a joy watching each other's meticulously put together production, I can't help but shed a tear. How melodramatic.

But that's just how things are, an entire AY is coming to an end, and for some reason I'm just feeling a tad bit more pensive than usual when my mind goes wandering off to some faraway land. Dead people, that flashback of ghastly make up, I can't help but stifle a giggle. Not that I ever giggled.

I just don't know what to do. Clearly I have a lot to do. Revision to be all completed by friday for the most ultimately intensive examination ever. But I don't know what to do outside of this academic realm. Yes, there is that desire to do something I've always wanted, but here, this world; this society; this place; fosters to such hope. I've always thought myself the conformist, but that changed when I made my decision nearly 2 years ago.

I am being honest with myself. Certain things I want can never be fulfilled, at least not here. It is saddening, it's not like I hate this place, no I love it, it's my home. I'll be a displaced alien anywhere else (ok maybe not). Sometimes I can't help but want to fly, but my wings are clipped.

I can't sleep now. No not so soon. But I know not what to do. What do I make of this mockery of life?

Questions. Doubts. Fears. Incalculable Uncertainties.

There is just so much work. I’m being torn apart. Sometimes I wonder if I really did sign up for this. Brings me back to OBO days, when I’m just out there staring at they grey sea, dreary waves, the black night, okay pathetic fallacy I know, its actually quite beautiful when I remind myself of it now, that I wouldn’t really mind being there again, lulled to sleep by the waves. Alas, reality is a harsh one, and the world a cruel one in which we live in, things were never really that easy in OBO, I went thru hell, I put my mind through worse, all that mental anguish, anguish, anguish. There were times where I screamed all my soul out into the silence of the night with that equal silence in the deepest of my being, I felt like a great big hollow with a great big echo resounding with nothingness into the empty shell of the great metal thing that keeps me afloat along with a hundred other disillusioned idiots. Rime of the ancient mariner, just another bunch of lost sailors out at sea, doomed and cursed to eternal unrest in eternal undeath, to float among the witchy and eldritch lights in the depths of the oceans, flash, flashing, flashes, rippling, undulating, waves, echoes, like orgasms in the water slick.

But there’s so much work. Calls, emails, projects, rehearsals, meetings, essays, oh god the essays, a never ending stream on unconsciousness that pervades even my sleep, my phone is the devil, so many times I wished that I could just smash it into smithereens into nothingness that likewise I might disappear away from this wretched wretched existence. But I can’t die just yet, not just yet, just one more month before I can really fade away, throw my phone away and be alone for a while, but not really can I run away, for once I’m back home there will be no peace at all less the one sanctum I have.
A stream of consciousness. Nothing more.

I wonder if you'll ever know how it feels like to be me.

I wonder for how long I can lie to myself that I'm happy talking to you
Or I'm actually tearing myself apart.

The Sacred Band of Thebes

I unwittingly fell unto this while researching into Classical Greek stuff.

And if there were only some way of contriving that a state or an army should be made up of lovers and their loves, they would be the very best governors of their own city, abstaining from all dishonour, and emulating one another in honour; and when fighting at each other's side, although a mere handful, they would overcome the world. For what lover would not choose rather to be seen by all mankind than by his beloved, either when abandoning his post or throwing away his arms? He would be ready to die a thousand deaths rather than endure this. Or who would desert his beloved or fail him in the hour of danger?

From Plato's Symposium

The Sacred Band originally was formed of picked men in couples, each lover and beloved selected from the ranks of the existing Theban citizen-army. The pairs consisted of the older "heniochoi", or charioteers, and the younger "paraibatai", or companions, who were all housed and trained at the city's expense and fought as hoplites. During their early engagements, in an attempt to bolster general morale, they were dispersed by Gorgidas throughout the front ranks of the Theban army.

But was there ever an invincible army?

Defeat came at the Battle of Chaeronea (338 BC), the decisive contest in which Philip II of Macedon, with his son Alexander, extinguished the Theban hegemony. The traditional hoplite infantry was no match for the novel long-speared Macedonian phalanx: the Theban army and its allies broke and fled, but the Sacred Band, although surrounded and overwhelmed, refused to surrender. James G. DeVoto says in The Theban Sacred Band that Alexander had deployed his cavalry behind the Macedonian hoplites, apparently permitting "a Theban break-through in order to effect a cavalry assault while his hoplites regrouped." The Thebans of the Sacred Band held their ground and nearly all 300 fell where they stood beside their last commander, Theagenes. Plutarch records that Philip II, on encountering the corpses "heaped one upon another", understanding who they were, exclaimed,

Perish any man who suspects that these men either did or suffered anything unseemly.

300 SPARTA! Much?

You can break my heart with a single word.

Neither here nor there.
Nor yes or no.
Okay.

Sow the seeds of fear.

Cyril Wong had said that poets need to be able to delve to the deepest and darkest part of their soul and dare to display it and say this is the depth of my feeling. Those who shun away are mere empty husks who are afraid of feeling.

Indeed, where my heart and voice had failed me
Let my words now speak for me.

I know not why and how this irrational fear grips me again.
It is so primal, so unrelenting as it holds me in its grasp.
This cold hand clutched around my chest. Clenching and clenching.
I cannot... the world collapses around me.
Until all I feel are my flustered heartbeats and that icy ring.

Questions abound, but the answers evade me so.
Now I dare not even mention " "
For fear, that I would fall again into the abyss
Master of me, I once soared with joy, and now I freeze in fear.
No, even that very pronoun conjures madness.

If my words have spoken at all.
Poetry is too obscure and not powerful enough.

When we are so far apart.

My thoughts inevitably stray towards you.
As always without fail, you capture me.
I wonder, as always, when your mind is blank.
Does it ever stray towards me?
Even if it doesn't, do you, like i
Often conjure up silly things we might have done?
I wonder at the times when life gets you down.
Would you look towards me for the hand to lift you up?
Because I have always looked to you as a beacon.
Have you like I, felt alone with all the cold quilts?
Devoid of any warmth.
It's just the thought of not wanting to wake up to his cold reality.
Alone.

Am I a dalliance, merely?
Would you ever feel the depths of my feelings.
I wonder, when I have nothing but you in my mind.
Would I ever have even a little corner in your vast universe.

How much hurt can I take?

I don't want to whine to you.
This is just how I really feel.
For you.
I never knew it hurt so much to give your heart to someone.
But seeing you breaks me.
Part of me goes to 7th heaven with you.
Part of me languishes in pain.

Why does this guilt eat away at me?
For I No- please. No.
I freeze when you talk to me.

Why.

Like ice, I fall and shatter.

Because it hurts so much to be called thus such.

My heart is like a desert.

It is harsh and barren.
With nary a hint of green.

My heart is like a desert.
Where dark night descends
With nary a hint of light.

My heart is like a desert.
Where rough winds rip their talons through
Carving valleys and rivets in my heart.

My heart is like a desert.
Where the scorching heat burns like wildfire.
And the chilling cold clutches with icy fingers.

My heart is like a desert.
It is a frozen one. A tundra.
All stark whiteness and blackness at night.
There is no colour.
When all colour there is
Has been stripped away.

Grant me the mental fortitude to weather this harsh desertscape.
Grant me the strength of will to stand alone and stand strong.
Because to stand without the one person in my heart, requires more than just pillars of strength to hold me from fallin.