What a day.

Okay. The last lines are cast off and we are finally off. I know i've been emo-ing alot to friends lately, and i know that i will be able to handle it when the moment i'm on it. Yeah, it's kind of like going through an emotional void, i'm not feeling anything, not overtly much anyway, kinda numb. Maybe it's a mental self defensive shut down mechanism.

Yeah its a pretty fucked up way to start a day, drunk and hangovers and whatnot. Nevertheless, i enjoyed it, till the point my memory became moot anyway. So that's what being dead drunk is like. Oblivion. Yeah, thats the word. The next thing i knew, my handphone was in a pail of water with my pants and vomit. Wonderful. So pardon me for not being to say last minute goodbyes, part of the reason why i'm feelin so fucked up.

So, i'm floating on the ocean somewhere, praying my drowned phone will be revived soon, it's like losing a part of me, so many people i wanna call to talk to but i can't. I can't use facebook, friendster, or web messenger, youtube too. So my primary means of communication would be emails, blogging, and calling. Sigh... my handphone.....

The 21st Bash!

What can i say? It was a roaring success. I would just like to thank everyone who made the effort to come, it really made a difference to me. I could not have asked for more. To the raccoons, you are most loved, I totally dig that photo biography of me, of my life with you guys 'thus far', and i just want to give you guys credit for taking on such an ardous task, special thanks to Kelvin.

A2, you are not forgotten as well, this is including Wan Jin as well who came. I humbly thank you guys for your choice picks on books, that filled up my personal library onboard and saves me the mind-boggling hassle of rummaging through a bookstore for such wonderful literature. And that moleskine notebook was perfect, simply perfect. Cheers to whoever came up with that, i couldn't think of a better gift for myself.

To the last survivors of sedet1, meaning those who still remember the meaning behind 'sedet1', i wasn't really expecting you guys, but you proved me wrong, you proved that our spirit endures... It's really heartening to me, and it says that i made the right choice in going for OBO V. I can't say how wonderful it is to see you guys after so long. Thank you.

Slow down.

Wait. Listenin to muttons to midnight when i'm feelin rotten doesn't seem to help, i think it makes it worse, but the music is good, just not the djs. It felt so painful to be cooped up at home instead of catchin up with close friends during my last 2 weeks before i depart, especially since i'm on leave. It's not that i'm blaming them or anything... things simply are as they are.

I didn't expect the journey along to be this painful or stressful... So many things to do, so many undone. I'm simply not on it. Everything seems to have lost its flavour, I'm not sure if i'm prepared for my birthday celebration. When i ask myself why i'm doing this. All i hear is an empty echo, not an answer.

I'm not ready. I don't know what to do.

Suddenly i'm so alone.

The stars are misaligned.

Oh wonderful. I got caught for my cam phone. I got 4 extras. And the coxswain's gonna make me declare it to the ship's company tmr morning. O! Reputation! Reputation! Reputation! Not to me, but to my mother unit.

What. Bad. Luck.

Back from sailing

Sailing has been exhausting really. As it has always been, but its different this time. There are things bugging me, on my mind, and it was never my forte getting them out. I realise i'm being really cryptic. But these unsettling feelings are equally cryptic to me. It's as if my body is feeling my emotions before my mind can comprehend them. That drives me crazy. I'm really confused with what i really want now. And i want to stop and take a breather. What do i really want, for this life? And time just moves irrevocably on. It's like pushing against a moving wall, inexorably pushing you, whether towards your destined path, or your predetermined doom. Time is such an insidious element. It's almost downright wicked. And i want it to stop, so much. I really need a breather. And ask myself my heart's desire.

I Blog?

Wow, i just remembered i used to have a blog and sometimes how cathartic it is. But mostly i just can't be bothered to pen my thoughts, cathartic as the process maybe. Wait. Catharsis? I barely remember the meaning of that word. Wait. Emotional release. Yes. That just came to mind. My brain is like a stock market exchange, thoughts fly in and out like money does, it comes in settles for a minute then leaves and i can't remember whit after that. So blogging becomes a business where i sit and stare at the screen waiting to my fingers to dance over the keyboard, which they never do now.

I may have paid a price too dear to extend my service. Steeped in crude language, colloqialism and the occasional dry comms lingo. I've lost my tongue, sharp or not. I wonder to myself if i'm up to the task of taking English as my major again. It's like a silent gnawing fear of not being up to par. Nonetheless, i have to stow that fear away for another day. Because the deployment is around the corner. Gotta get psyched.

Sometimes i think saying that i've been too busy to blog is a lie. I've kept away too many things, like little devils trapped in a Pandora's Box, one day that box might explode. Perhaps i should take some time to compose myself (and my writing).

So anyway, i will be sailing off tmr and next week again for a few more sea checks before we are declared ready for ops. I may have been excited, now i'm rather nervous. Of what's gonna come ahead and what time i have to prepare for it. I try to push it aside and enjoy life for the moment, kinda like living on edge now. Maybe, its because i have to get mandatory insurance, sign a will and all those morbid talk of blood and gore.

Living on edge. I rather like it. Though not very healthy for my wallet. But for once, i dont feel so chained anymore.

Lastly, for those who survived reading, congratulations if you didnt mute your speakers. I put the song to irritate ppl =P It's so fun planting earworms if you get what i mean.