Been there...

Been some time.
Needed some time for serious mental thrashing.
Glad it's all over and done with.
Then again, life's ever unpredictable and tumultous.
I feel as if i'm on a little sampan in a choppy stormy sea.
Gosh! That kinda sucks. Well, reality often does.
It's like some battle we fight daily...
Endure or drown.

Met with another recent slap in the face.
Which i thought was diabolically designed to do so in our educational lives.
Exams. Mid Years. Yes. BLOODY MURDERERS!
Sorry. Had to get it off.
The whole idea is ridiculous.
Feel as if it's out to test your time management and mental stamina than knowledge.
Of course i didnt fare very well.
Not many did well either.
As they said, it was supposed to be a slegehammer hit-in-the-face.
Or rather wake-up alarm sorta thing.

And the worst thing is.
I'm not sure how i'm gonna face it.

...

Mornin... Well, at least for me...
Juz woke up on a Tuesday mornin.
Tryin to shake off e last vestiges of peaceful slumber.
Sometimes... I really wish i didn't have to do this.
But live on in Slumberland.
A place of my fabrication.
Utter unfettered freedom.
Sadly,
I can only think about how nice it would have been.
I wish that I could somehow escape the reality of life.
The bitter harshness of it all.
The only solace i can find
Is being away from home,
Away from the memmories that chain me down,
Away from the very place that enslaves me,
Home is only truly ever home is when i'm alone.
If I had the power... that is.
To do my will.

It's sad to say it,
I know i shouldn't be,
But I can't help it,
I'm close to breakin point now.
A father whose business crashed many years ago,
Never stood up again.
Never learned.
Never awoke.
Only pride and sloth bars his way to recovery,
To recover from the state of leechin and uselessness.
Obtaining money from us was ever an unasked business.
A mother who laboured hard to shoulder this burden,
Is falling, weakening, losing hold.
Shaken to the core,
Uncountable times by the acts that bewilder her.
That torments her very soul.
A frail spirit in a hardy shell.
She could do nothing but try to shift the burden.

I don't see where i stand in this,
Or so lost that i'm not sure where.
I'm not an emotional dumping pit.
I'm not a black hole for the recesses of your flares.
Neither am i someone strong enough,
To take the onslaught of reality.

We drifted o'er the harbour-bar
And I with sobs did pray -
O let me be awake, my God!
Or let me sleep away.

The Rime of The Ancient Mariner

Feelin down

Feelin down...
Dunno why but down...
It's one of those times when things just dont seem to go your way
Sux one hell of a time
Wish i could juz get out of it soon
Perhaps it's e mid years
With my conscience naggin at me for not muggin
Sometimes i juz can't seem to do it...
Hate this weakness
This awful shambles i'm in
Hope it'll get over
Probably when the mid years end
Then i'll be another episode
Where i face the consequences of my actions.

Been some time...

It's been some time since i last posted.
What can i say?
I'm lazy.
Ha.
Juz finished watchin Inuyasha
Lazin as usual.
Been some rockin time i had lately.
Went to west m'sia recently.
=) Made quite a few frens from A7A =)
The whole trip's been rather fine.
On the whole VERY exhaustin coz we had to travel everywhere by bus daily.
Kota Tinggi to Kuantan then to Trengannu and back.
Caught some great geologic features life-sized.
Nothin's like being there compared to lookin at those puny photos in the geog room.

Exams again...
This is Singapore man...
I shld have gotten used to this shit.
But no, i haven't and i don't think many others have as well.
Always i tell myself i have to mug.
Then i realise i'm juz lyin to myself.
Coz the word 'mug' doesn't exist in MY dictionary.
And i'll be pretty sure NOT to find it in a few of my frens'
Still... it's somethin which we all have to stick thru...

Someone said blogs tell another face of a person.
Albeit the darker side...
(Jerry as Darth Vader "Hokkien") Peh wa ki orh orh yi peng...
Follow me to the dark side...
Blogs do such sometimes...
I guess it's juz life for teens nowadays.
Everything's bout bein 'in'
Being 'social'.
Find it hypocritical sometimes.
But i can't deny i don't do it sometimes..
Tryin to blend in to the crowd.
And quit being an 'oddball'.
Somehow it's hard to be really honest.
Something always has to be hidden.
A deep dark secret that none will ever know.
Livin in such a society for so long.
It's like some rare priviledge to be honest with oneself and others.
Something so freely given simply makes one feel liberated.
I'm glad i have friends in which i can really be honest with.
I treasure that.
It's something not easily found.
And blessed are those who find it.

Till next time...
It has been another rare insight on the tip of the iceberg.
Or another episode of my silly ramblings.
Anyways, live life.
Carpe Diem.

Ow...

Ok... I haven't been here for a long time.
I guess i'm simply lazy.
Yea...
I mean what's new?
I've been so drained lately.
I dunno why.
Lessons in school.
And ya magicking away.
Talking about magic the gathering.
Reminds me of a new set.
Or at least a self constructed set courtesy of Ed, Terry and Me.
This is old news really.
As i said i've been lazy.
The Lovers of Kamigawa and the Creators of a new movie genre 'Porror'
Exclusively mooted for Jerry and YunQi.
Have a laugh.

Man... i sound dead.
Sorry guys, i need time to revive a little.
Well, i juz got back frm CMPB for the med check.
Pretty inane.
The things they make you do.
Of course the dental, blood, urine, optical, X-ray and whatnots are thrown at you.
Jumpin frm room to room faced with zombie-faced persons.
Along with a few who tried to be an ass.
It was freezing in there and i was in Tee and shorts shivering away.
And 1 section required you half naked lyin on a bed with things plugged on you.
I mean how sick is that.
Seems as if my face spells, 'Hi! I'm a lab rat!'
And of course the interview.
Do you smoke, have heart problems, homo tendencies... yadda yadda.
Then you had to answer computers.
One would ask you personal questions.
'Do you think you are being followed?'
'Do you think someone is tryin to harm you'
'Have you ever been raped?'
'Can you read people's minds?'
'Have you ever heard things that people ard you could not hear'
'Have you ever felt that a tv programme was made only for you'
The above are one of the few.
The other would test your IQ.
I tell you i was so shagged after everything i think the results would show i'm an idiot.
Here you had to complete a host of patterns.
Answer simple maths.
Instruction following capability tests.
Complete number patterns.
Argh i can't remember all it was all so draining.
I went home half living.
That's all.

NYEDC

OZ was a real sucess!
I loved the audience esp.
I can't say more.
The whole musical journey left me with such endearing memories.
Memories of cast working hard together.
Putting lines, blocking, dance and singing together.
Memories of the diligent crew even though we didnt see much of each other.
The entire show wouldnt have been possible w/o em.
The cast cannot express their thanks more than they alr can.
Thruout this magical journey that we have all embarked on.
It's heartwarming to see all of us take an earnest walk down the 'yellow brick road'
We all found our friendship, love, commaraderie, team spirit and togtherness.
OZ has really touched us in more ways than one.
Bonded us really.
Esp in the boycotting of Y-u-n-q-i...
Haha.
I really cannot thank the teachers enough for all their support.
Melly, Seah, Tong, Tina especially for her excellent directorship and WoanWen for her brilliant lightings.
Kellet's like just there in name.
3 mths it took us to really put this up.
I guess we built much more than just props and show.
Took us sweat, sacrifice and precious time.
It seemed amazing that we actually did it.
It seemed so surreal and magical.
The musicians too were wonderful, a gift frm e heavens.
Keow Mei Jian for her creative composing and dazzling voice.
Jordan for his impeccable skill on either the keyboard or piano.
Ramu for his impressive array of sounds
Phil for his 'saxy' saxophone solos, you rock man!
This Musical wouldnt have been possible w/o all of you.
Love all of you to bits man!

The audience.
I can't again thank my friends enough for gracing my drama event.
A big 'Thank You' to all of you again.
I wouldnt have been able to do what i did had not been for your support.
I appreciate A2 for comin down.
My heart warmed when i saw you guys.
Really, it bolstered my confidence.
Love u guys too.
I wouldnt have again done it w/o you.
Thanx esp to my buddies, lovers, kings and ladies.
I had the best time of my life up there on stage coz u guys were there.
The euphoric rush was inexplicable.
My performance is my gift to you.
Thanx again for the chocs and flowers esp from. Ian, Char, Mardi and Sanah.
Not forgetting all the other guys for their moral support. Thnx.
I would also like to thank my Cat High friends.
Eugene, Zhi Xian, Jay, Swee Leong and Vincent for turning up.
Our bond of friendship and brotherhood holds still.
Thanx once again.

Finally Oz the Muscial has come to an end.
And i am one who cannot deal with endings very well.
Good things never last. They never do.
Then again, i am glad and proud to say that i was ever part of such a bunch of professional dramtists.
It's really sad to see us leaving drama soon.
Something tugs at my heartstrings...
Soon we will step down...
Soon we will embark on a long battle with the 'A' levels.
Soon we won't see each other for sometime.
Or share that special bond btw us all drama members.
Soon we will walk each our own life journey.
Sadly.
If i really were the Timekeeper.
I would have stopped time and let us all indulge in this...
OZ will hold a very special meaning in my heart and soul.

Things keep falling...

Things simply keep falling lately.
Crashing round about me.
Sometimes much composed as i seem.
It's a stark contrasting world deep within.
I am pushed over the cliff.
Teetering precariously.
Barely grasping for survival.
My mind's off the edge.
I ask myself.
How did i manage to get through all the shit thrown full frontal.
I chucked it aside.
Sometimes i told myself i would plough through.
Reality says, "it went in the trash"
I'm not sure how i handle things.
I'm not sure how ppl see it.
Pushed to overload.
Perhaps i'm escaping.
Perhaps i should stamp my ground.
Firmament.
I need time...
Which is a luxury...

NYEDC ANNUAL DRAMA NIGHT

NYEDC ANNUAL DRAMA NIGHT is here!
Its original!
Music!
Script!
Dance!
It's an event not to be missed!
In YOUR lifetime!
Ok... i'm exaggerating.
Anw, it's still good stuff.
Our very own drama musical is titled 'OZ'
With the central plot in a corporate business scene.
Inspired by the original 'Wizard of Oz'.

Details are as follows:
'OZ' Drama Jazz Musical.
Date: 6 May (Friday, Gala nite with VIPs) 7 May (Saturday)
Time: 7.30 p.m.
Venue: NYJC campus, LT4.
Tickets are priced at $8 FLAT!
Pls do come EARLY to catch the good seats.
Free-seating!
AN EVENT NOT TO BE MISSED!
Presented to you by the NYEDC!!! =)

O.K.

Hm... Thinking...
Day dreaming...
Pondering...
Whatever.

Nothing.
Drama Nite's due in abt 3 weeks.
Everything's been crazy.
As always.
A bunch of us were just cutting up the tix.
Ended up with a sore right shoulder and forefinger.
Paper-cutting will never be the same again.
Right.

It's hard sometimes.
Everyone has their own dark secrets.
Undoubtedly i have mine.
More or less alone in this inner world of mine.
No one has seen.
Others might have.
It is but the tip of the iceberg.
Like everyone else.
I seek to hide my true self.
And exhibit only the desirable.
I wonder how i do it sometimes.
But i guess it's become 2nd nature to me now.
Ironic isn't it?
While our society extols honesty as a virtue.
Everyone technically is a living fallacy.
I suppose everyone's inner demons are screaming for release.
If that's not it.
Then i can be sure mine are.
Perhaps secrets are meant to be kept.
To some degree of secrecy.
It's painful to see someone pour out their sorrows.
Coz you know, painful as these may be.
A darker being lies submerged beneath the depths.
In the deepest dungeons of one's soul.
Caged.
Raging.
Paining.
Crying.
It's always idealistic of humans to try to seek release.
But how many truly acheive solace?
They are just buried.
Hidden but existing.
Waiting to burst forth from their grave another time.
Waiting to be drawn out.
Again.
As happy a world as we try to make ourselves believe in.
There is always a contrast of the 'underworld'.
How hypocritical we are.
Yet.
As the story of 'Pandora's Box' goes.
Perhaps there's a spirit of hope out there still.
Brushing and healing the wounds of many.
Scars remain.
However stay iconic to the lessons learnt.
Resilience of the human condition shows.
Our adaptability & flexibility that bends us to be what we are.
Humans.
Ever sophisticated.
Utopia, in a world like ours will never be met.
But, somehow if we strike a balance.
In confronting our troubles and appreciating happiness.
We would be better people.

"stream of consciousness flows unchanging"

Lit. Jargon.

Pathos. Although any figure of speech may be employed to evoke an emotional response, many figures are specifically designed to do so, or else are themselves functions of the emotional state of the speaker.

Bathos. Anticlimax with humorous effect; spurious pathos; triteness.

Hubris. Overbearing pride or presumption; arrogance: “There is no safety in unlimited technological hubris”

Hamartia. The character flaw or error of a tragic hero that leads to his downfall. Tragic Flaw.

Catharsis. Elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression.

So much for looking up the definitions.
I hardly understand any.
Ew.
What's more the stupid wireless crap's givin me hell.
Dammit.

Tuesday.

Damn i'm on a darn short fuse this April
People better pick their way about me.
There's just SO MUCH to do.
Simply unbelievable.
Unconceivable.
There's like schwork.
Studying (Not that i do)
Scripting to rush out VERY soon
Not to mention rehearsals that end around 8
Shagged.
And my Mom was about to ask me to do housework.
Instead of my sis.
Like what the hell!?
Screw it. Really.
It's a damn piss off day for me.
What's with the lousy D&D table allocation method.
Wonder what they use their brains for those nutters.

What's worse was that all my block test grades were horrible.
Marginal passes.
Even for Lit. Yes.
And I can't stand people who make snide remarks aside.
Burn in lakes of liquid sulfur.
Which didn't exactly serve to improve my mood in ANY way.
For the first time.
I slept thru most of GP.
Which was quite rare.
But I simply couldn't make myself kill braincells mulling over crappy issues
Sleep was helpful.

D&D payment and table booking was an ultimate disaster.
Lets put it as the debate gang.
The class discussed it to be supposedly 2 tables for A2.
And suddenly on monday.
This bombshell was dropped on me.
The debate gang formed their own table of 10 with A1B ppl.
So much for trust and open discussion when you guys do things unopenly.
It was a complete mess up.
The other part of the class couldn't make a proper table.
The other bombshell.
Albeit the larger one was dropped again on me.
The 4 guys made their own table.
We lacked 2 initially.
Tried to find 2 more 'imports'
Then this Jerry.
Didn't know what went on in his twisted head.
Decided to withdraw from the table.
Last minute on monday.
When payment was due tuesday.
HOW AM I EXPECTED TO FIND 3 ppl!?
So much for being friends when you broke your obligation to us so lightly.
I'm sure Terry would agree.
The initial deal was the table with us.
With YOU PS-ing at the last minute to join your soccer table.
Man. Screw his whatever-you-can-think-ofs.
Really now.
The day just wasn't ---- DAMMIT! Got called off to do laundry drying!
ANYWAY.
We were being kind by not blasting you.
Cause I really would.
Not if i wasn't that tired.
Don't overdo it, man.
Esp not bitchin to me about you doing your Lit. presentation.

The day's simply not gettin any better.
Drama was a complete killer.
Esp when it's choral training with Kellet.
Dancin - exhausting.
Don't light that fuse o'mine.
Ever.

Monday Blues...

Monday.
Is not a good day.
Never has been anyway.
So... Got back my Econs block test.
Barely made it with an E.
Not that it was surprising
It's juz depressing.
Sigh. Guess Econs juz doesnt work for me.
GP essay was also dissapointing.
Lit was sadly mediocre.
Oh... what's new?
Other than dreading Geog Paper's return.

Monday has always been a mentally draining day.
Especially when Drama Night's a little more than a month away.
Our dance sequences are not out.
Songs are not proficient.
Costumes not fully procured.
Our script is not even complete.
And that's my responsibility.
Which sux pretty much when school kills pretty much ALL of you creative cells.
And when i start writing?
I get headaches.
Literally banging my head.
On the keyboard.
On the drawer.
On my arms.
And on my writer's block.
OW.
Scriptwriting is hell when:
You don't have enough sleep.
You overexert your brain capacity
You physically exhaust your body so your brain is oxygen deficient.
You encounter a Monday. (Like today.)
You reboot your brain completely, much like a baby's
You are daydreaming.
You cannot concentrate and your thoughts wander off thinking of sinful connotations

In short.
Scriptwriting sux when you attend school.
Therefore.
School is detrimental to brain development.
I think i'm going to be retarded soon.
The fastest case of brain degradation and senility.

Many things i'd like to do but lack the strength to.
Also perhaps the willpower.
Sigh...
Stressful.
Or perhaps i shouldn't say that.
Because none is more QUALIFIED to say that other than BEN CHOONG.
4 As 2 S papers + GP
His highness's exact words.
No thanx for that poke.
For all his supposed intelligence.
He fails to see past the notion of individuality.
Who wants to be like him?
Go on! Lead a mugger's life.
Since brain cells are mere automaic nanobots
Rather than colourful musings and inspirations.
Go on! Lead an academist's life.
Coz books are dead and so are you!
I can't stand these people who impose authority without properly earning it.
Anyway.
Life goes on...
Guess i've no choice but to live it.

Dug Deep...

Ok... Hi readers...
Sounds pretty damn boring right?
Right.
Coz i'm still suffering from the detri"mental" effects of the "block" test.
I'm like a living blockhead of sorts.
Nthn witty today.
Not that i ever was really THAT witty
Bitchy rather.
Or so some people think.
Or most rather.
Not that i want to be associated that way.
Not that i want to be associated as flamboyantly gay.
Especially after i've been casted THAT role.
I don't want to.
But mannerisms are simply not a thing to change overnight.
In cliche terms. Rome was not built overnight.
I guess it was the way i got along with my friends.
Cat High friends.
Influence,
So immaterial
Yet so compelling.
Then again.
My character plays a part.
I can't help a need for flaunting.
But then i'm very self-consious.
I dont know how these 2 could ever co-exist.
But they do in an enigma like me.

---------

I don't feel like writin.
Not now.

Woot!
I made a new discovery!
I didnt know there was an arcade in Jubilee!
Woot!
Havent danced para para for ages.
Man, i'm startin to suck.
But now at least i know where to go.
LOL.

Ah...

Oops.
I've been lazy.
I admit.
Well...
Since I've juz read Geri's blog
So maybe i'll give my opinions
As i lead such a boring life that there's nothing to talk about.
For the concerned public.
My Godma's stable now...
Although she's still under observation
And needs to undergo the knife
But i'm sure everything will work out well
=)

So... Geri...
I met him in NYJC last year.
During the 2nd intake batch.
Didnt really get to know him until we were separated into our classes
O4A2.
For me A2 was a stark contrast to the cold and buaya class i had in CJC
Most would know as i make alot of noise about those horrid ppl.
So i found new hope here
i suppose.
Ya know, since we are all new.
Its natural to try to find similar allies.
And my very first associations were with Terry, Jerry and Emil
That association fast became friendship.
A fellowship named ridiculously as "The Koppies"
More preferably known as "The Aerries"
It wasn't surprising, for much of the year.
The class stuck by its many cliques.
I suppose me and a few others managed to break this barrier
And built many inter-clique friendships.
Especially during PW.
Torturous as PW was
It brought the class together of some sorts
HATING it as a class.
Ppl always bond like that.
Isn't it?
Well, i'm glad i got the chance to know Geri better.
As a friend, during OCIP China.
Though we shared different bunks.
We relied on each other quite alot
Or rather, me on him
As I was quite alien to all the new faces
They were ALL from the science faculty!
More or less we bonded.
To some sense
In that less inhibited world of 17 days.
I saw a side of him that i never saw.
Its hard to say.
Contrary to what we ALL see
An airhead.
A racist.
A Hokkien Beng
A big mouthed gossiper
I somehow thought i saw a little bit of his inner world.
His unshared space.
A voice within that actually is deep in thought
Or rather dormancy.
But that light within is flaring, alive, vibrant.
One little evidence is his sharing in Lit Drama Othello classes.
Its sometimes astounding to know that Geri is a deep thinker.
Its not.
Its just a little voice hidden, too shy to speak up.
One thats dwarfed by that Hokkien Beng ego.
Somehow i found a whole new Jerry.
One that ponders on issues.
One that is burdened by hidden burdens
One side unknown.

Just a little something for Jerry.
As a peer counsellor
Sharing problems won't appear whiny.
You don't have to stand up to the world alone.
Take support in friends.
Keeping it within is never good.
Its what brothers are for ya?

Life....

I'm not sure what to think.
My youthful sense of invincibility has again been shattered.
Once again i felt the true frailty of Life.
The flame.
No matter how vibrant.
Is vulnerable.
Is limited.
Is subject to forces beyond our ken.
Such is the fire of life.
It makes me think...
As if life for everyone is nothing but,
A mere candle.
Burning vivaciously towards our own demise.
Life's sad sometimes if seen that way.
But that's Life for you.

Such are the revelations that hit me.
When i saw my very own Godma on the hospital bed.
Weak. Fragile.
Hardly the hale and hearty woman that i am used to.
In her, i saw the pyres of vitality in her eyes.
So motherly.
Much of her life she dedicated to her children.
Her foster children (Me n Sis)
Her grandchildren (My 2 little angelic nephews)
Yet, she took pride in it.
She loved them all without discrimination.
Sometimes i feel more for her than my own mother...
She took care of me since i was 2
Till i was ready to take care of myself and had a maid.
She was with me when i grew up.
She made up my very first memories.
Memories of a warm bed.
Memories of a warm meal
And memories of a warm hug.
Even when i left her care
We visited regularly.
And i would be welcomed without hesistation.
Showered with hospitality.
It was like an uninhibited 2nd haven.
Even after we moved 7 years ago.
Things remained unchanged.
I would feel guilty about not visiting sometimes.
Then i would tell myself i could always do so the next week.
But still we were close.
I had often wondered how i would go on w/o her.
I never reached a satisfactory answer myself.

Until i saw her on the bed today.
I saw only a brief shadow of her past self.
I was crushed within.
My young nephews could not lift my burdened spirits.
I did all i could to alleviate her pain.
I wanted to chat.
So much.
But....
My knotted chest allowed nothing.
She had pancreatic inflammation
Or so i heard.
Thought it wasn't really serious.
Felt something was wrong when she wasn't in a common ward.
Found out she was in the ICU last week.
Found out she already has diabetes for 2 years.
She did not tell us...
ANY of us...
She just went on caring for us.
I suddenly felt very dwarfed by the magnanimity of her love.
I'm not sure if its critical.
But it's serious.
I sincerely hope she would pull through...
She has us to live for....
I wish she would find in her the willpower and motivation to live...

When i left
I held her hands
They were hard, dry and coarse.
All the more
I was heartbroken...
Tears fell forth from my face.

Screw this shit.

Damn i'm a bitchfit.
Atrocious
Uninmaginably unthinkable!
This has been THE worst year.
A hidden tax has been levied on my ang pow money.
I was like wtf?
Well, its not like i didn't know before
Just that this year was just horrible.
I knew it has to be something when my mum demanded to keep the ang pows till the 15th.
Dammit.
Usually the lowest never exceed $6
Now its $4...
I just can't keep it inside and not say anything about this...
EXTORTION.
What made it worse that she was whining about it even b4 we received the money.
She was sayin things like...
"Oh.. some ppl couldnt give becos they just had a funeral.."
"Oh.. you know this-and-this newly weds did not give.."
S-I-C-K-E-N-I-N-G.
I mean... i usually would accept this crap a few years back when i was more idiotic.
And we were still in the recession.
But hey... noticed i have grown a LITTLE more intelligent?
Guess not.
I know she gave alot of ang pows and kept sayin..
"You know all these are still the money i gave out, just that you got it differently"
Yadda Yadda.
"And so i still have the RIGHT to take them"
Talk about giving the younger generation 'blessing' with ang pows
Yea, just gimme the empty ang pows.
They are 'blessing' enough.
You can't fool me now with something even the blind can tell.
3 things i cannot stand
Her conventional ways.
Her rigid manners.
Her assertion as sole breadwinner she commands all.
Her belief that children owe complete obsience to their parents.
You know what?
I so want to lash it all out at her.
I mean hell with all decorum.
I at least deserve a modicum of respect.
She could do the least to tell me and ASK me.
Then she could have asserted her authority to DEMAND it from me.
Even then i would not be feeling so CHEATED
Pretty ironic you see, they do what they tell you NOT to do.
Thats parents.
And somehow they manage to wiggle their way out with the superiority of AGE.
Oh! Come on!
Dammit. Out.

Malicious Thoughts

The twisted hand of Fate.
I want to ask why... sometimes
I cannot help but feel... insignificant
I used to think of myself as the centre of the world when i was younger
I used to think of myself as some popular kid in sch when i was primary
I used to think of myself as some class honourary member when i was secondary
Now.
Its all changed.
Nobody notices you.
To everyone, you are but another co-existin being on this Earth.
You are worthless to everyone except the friends you know.
Some 'friends' are even degradatory to our own self esteem and self worth.
All in all.
I am but a less than negligible form of existence in all that exists.
It felt bad.
Natural instincts try to increase our self worth.
As if that wasn't enough.
Why did Fate have to play a part in all this?
I can almost see the smirk on its arrogant face.
We can never understand why things are why things are.
Why tragedies and miracles have to happen?
If you say happy endings are a thing to strive for to escape tragedies.
I say its a sick joke.
Its a laughing matter.
Its crap, rubbish, garbage, shit and what-have-yous....
To hell with it.

It is the natural order of things to attain equilibrium.
Yin & Yang
Light & Dark
Good & Bad
Men & Women
Then with you being better off, some other guy on the other side of the globe will get the bad karma you discarded?
If everything was designed to be perfect.
Why this?
Why do we come to this supposed 'beautiful' world only to suffer and tryin to acheive happiness?
What is the whole point?
Why do get born, only to mug a quarter of your life away, slog to death for a half, and endure sickness in transit to a peaceful death?
Tell me its God's plan to put us through the mill to cultivate strength of character.
And what after?
We don't even know.
We think its either heaven of hell because a supposed board of people who thought that they were enlightened interpreted the stars and strange lights in the sky for a higher being.
Haven't you noticed its all speculation and blind belief?
I may be harsh.
But thats what it is isn't it?
Save me the blabber that God exists in our hearts
And non believers will be banished to hell
Or purgatory.
Did you not know the Church was the most influential and corrupt force back in the Middle Ages all the way to the Renaissance.
How can you be so assured of whats right of whats taught now in Churches?
It cannot be substantiated.
Sometimes, i really question....
Why? WHY? WHY!
I won't end my life.
It would be silly
I will live on and not succumb
If its strength of character.
SO be it.
I do not live for the sake of redemption.
I live for myself, if it was really meant to be that way.
Prove me wrong, powers that be!

Oh wow......

New Year's Eve is today.
Not bad for a hectic day
Juz hoped that our celebrations could have ended earlier
AJ ended at 9.45
Crappy.
And my AJ frens went back to Cat High Pri to visit
Later met them at CHSec
It was nice
Saw many nice old frens
Saw some people that i would avoid
Saw some not very nice juniors gossiping abt me
Jade earrings and what not...
Raymond and Lip Yong
You are on my wanted list.
With a bounty on your head to have incurred my wrath.

Constantine opens today.
Went out with 6 gd frens
Kelvin
Eugene
Swee Leong
Jay
Raymond
Ho Zong
Constantine was good.
4.5 stars from me.
VERY cool action
Sleek style from Keanu Reaves of course
Great play on the in betweens
Stunning effects
Heaven and Hell
Redemption and Condemnation
Gettin stuck in between isn't very pleasant
Especially with semi-demons lurking
Demi-angels pretty much helpless.
Btw, its not nice being psychic
Or having the 3rd eye
Many underlying dark notions
Not for the faint-hearted
Nor the religious
Perfect for believers
For the clueless?
Just sit back and stone and gape about the effects and sound
It was masterfully done.
A must-watch. =)

Some Saturday...

So... its been some time since i have blogged
And i'm surprised some people made noise
So i'll satisfy your desire for gossip
Here.
Then again
It's not really gossip.
Simply a day in my perspective.
Right?
Ugh.
I sound like some gossip guru...
Well.
The NY Debate Soc had their invitationals today
And I was juz chairing one room.
I guess you could say it was exciting yet boring concurrently.
This 1st round was fun.
With HCJC and VJC shooting verbose bullets at each other.
Me and Terry sittin there enjoying the carnage.
Giggling at girls with ultra short skirts.
Meanwhile trying to catch a hint of their bombastic language and economic jargon...
Man... was i suffering
What with 'veto', 'imperative', altruistic', 'over-specialisation', 'political arms twisting'
Yadda yadda.
Actually, i had no problems.
Suppose it was Terry who had the blanker look.
Oops.
Don't catch this post =P
What was funny was this VJ J1 guy.
He got 'POI'ed by ALL the Hwa Chong girls
And guess what?
He accepted everything.
Which was 4 POIs all together.
Guess he couldnt withstand their charm
Or venom rather...
He only missed one cause he turned around in time
Leaving the HC gal feelin pretty stupid.
After the adrenaline pumpin Round 1
Rounds 2 and 3 pales in comparison
I was begginin to feel idiotic reading the same thing again... and again... AND again....
So i shan't elaborate anymore.
Lest i lose more precious brain cells
IF i had any left...

Apparently i still had some 'emergency' reserves
Which were revived after i tickled Char abt her fashion sense.
Again.
Which was very fun i must say =)
Earlier today i was talkin to Ian
I figured there must be a reason for Ian being Ian
Right.
You dont get it.
Ian for being so extravagant.
He said.
He found no meaning in life
He needed something to substantiate his existence
Material comfort gave him his reason
He failed to find solace in the spiritual aspect
For 10 years.
I suppose he finally gave up.
I personally didn't agree.
Firstly, why i didn't do what Ian does
Is because i simply cannot afford to do so
Secondly.
For my existence, there must be some reason.
So i live to find the reason to live...
But then again.
I can only understand.
The immense feeling of loss
The big question of why?
What is the meaning of life?
What are we living for?
For education?
For our parents?
For our friends?
For fun?
For sex?
For fuck's sake?
FOR WHAT?

Sometimes...
I guess we all can't help but feel it.
The inquisitive need to know.
The sudden rush of nothingness.
Some say, that is what religion is for?
For something to focus and sate our hunger
But then again, the very same problem of loss we face now
Were faced by peoples of the past.
Then why can't religion be simply a tool created by Man to satisfy and quell the loss?
Because there is simply no credible evidence for the existence of a higher being.
Then again, i'm not denying His Greatnesses' existence
Just that we can never be sure.
Ironically, we are only sure because we BELIEVE it to be sure.
For all we know, there may just be that simple answer to this mind-boggling, never ending inquisition.
Faith.
It is what we live on.
Live for.
For now.
All in all.
I believe that religion is simply a ingenious farce invented by Man to give an answer to his own doubts about his existence.
Till then, we still go on living life.