Everything is moving so quickly.

I guess i'm still feeling a little disoriented. At such a vast change in lifestyle. Not that i'm detesting it, it has its pros and cons. I'm so glad i managed to meet up with most of my close friends, certainly made coming back worth it. But i'm just a little burned out now.

I need to get a job, learn to drive, go to the gym. Seems all rather insignificant yes, but life's little hitches always get in the way somehow. Hence the burnout. I've been wanting to write, but everything comes and goes so quickly i can barely hold on to it. I'm lacking the luxury of time, again. I suppose thats the challenge life presents, finding the right balance of everything.

Damn, the grass is always greener on the other side. As much as i hated waking up early in the morning, pulling my ass off the bed and off to work, seeing everyone there again made my day. Familiar and smiling faces. There's just so much more to it i can't express.

Suddenly it's just 1 more day to the new year of 2009, 2008 seemed to have zoomed by, but it definitely wasn't wasted. I never believed in new year resolutions, only in resolutions made with myself. Somehow the new year ones get forgotten when the festive season is over. Yes, a new year, a new chapter, life never really slows down for you isn't it. Makes you run for it. Like i always believe, there's a duality to all things, yet they are but 2 sides of the same coin. All you have to do is take a closer look, and take a peek on the brighter side.

I wonder what the future has in store?

Jaded.

There is no other word for it. Jaded. The long deployment has done it's job, i'm pretty much close to wasted nearing the end. The wave of tiredness seems to have been anticipating the end to descend on me. Slowly, inexorably we are counting down, but i'm not, i just can't help knowing it's 4 days now, everytime i look at my watch.

4 days. I almost can't believe it. From a deployment that's a hundred over days long, i never once expected it to drop to a single digit. Few people probably even know the multitude of reasons why i chose to come here. Or rather more accurately chosen to extricate myself from my family for awhile. A long while at that.

Now the days are counting themselves down, the 5 hrs cut down to 1. It's like a creeping dread crawling over me. I can't shake off that feeling. I hate it. Everyone's anticipating my return, i appreciate it, but for some reason, i can't bring myself to be enthusiastic about it. It's not that i dont want to come home. I just dont like it. There's just so much, so much bordering on that.

For 4 mths i have been cut off from my closest people, whether by blood or by friendship. I doubt anyone would come close to empathising with me, my angst, my pain, my melancholy. Everything that i have experienced all along. I have been happy, but those were all bittersweet. I'm simply unable to put a word to that ocean of emotions, a potent brew.

I have been thinking alot, just random thoughts, sometimes resolutions i try to fulfil, sometimes of the things i must do. There is a thing i would tell all of you. You will just have to wait till i defeat my inner demons.

A stream of thought.

Loud techno's blasting in my ears, taking that part of me away, dancin to the music, oblivious to all, sadly reality usually isn't the case. I wish i could sometimes cast myself away along. Not exactly thinking about anything in particular, which is weird because usually i have an agenda to talk about here.

Now I'm just taking a break after doing some domestic which has recently just become my primary job here. Takin the time off to blog before lunch at least with a touch of privacy.

Somehow i lack the words to fully elucidate my thoughts and feelings (usually i'm more verbose, but the military does certain things to you which you can never really fully recover from). Sad is just too vague. Melancholy is a little too poetic. Nostalgia is a little too early. I do suppose it's a mix of all that with a little pinch of Aaron, do tell me if they ever come up with a word for that kinda feelin.

So many things were racing through my mind during the graveyard shift last night. Even though i was thoroughly zombified with not sleeping the whole day. So many things i wanted to say, to tell someone, about this little thing and that little whim, and all the little bits of small talk between friends would. But somehow, i was choked. Nothing came forth, as much as i would have loved to. I wonder why myself. Afraid to take the step of uncertainty? Or just taking the safe alternative to extricate myself from further pain, the pain of inevitable separation. Yes, you and i both know that i hate that.

Have you ever had the damned feeling of wanting so much to tell someone something, but having a wall of caution barring your way all of a sudden? That for some reason , you just cannot push past that inner barrier of crossing that threshold. I am stuck somewhere there, neither here nor there. Lost in transit. Caught, held fast. Have you ever had it?

The loud techno is still blaring away on my new sleek Bose earphones, i enjoy the deep and smooth bass tones, i silently sing away to it's ideals, it's fantasies, the other world we go into sometimes to escape. I let myself get carried away for awhile.

Enroute Home.

Yes. You heard me, after aeons out here, i'm finally on my way home. So much memories, so many things and gifts to share, but that will all have to wait till 20th Dec. We have just exited the Area of Ops, and everything went down a notch. The crazy pace that we've been goin at for so long finally relaxed, a little. Still there is a need to keep an eye for pesky pirates not so far from us and mad terrorists in India.

Bahrain was a whirlwind of shopping man, i don't think i've ever done a shopping spree like that, it's no wonder women love shopping, retail therapy works wonders, swiping cards with a flash, i've spent quite alot, of course, lots of gifts included. Most people who read this blog will have a share, a taste of the Middle East =)

It's about 12 days more, I'll be home soon.

It's been a long while

It's been a long while since i had updated, since the beginning of NAG 4, the last quarter of our deployment. Now we are coming to the end. Heading for Bahrain soon, then back home. Many many things have happened over the long course of time and i simply do not know where to start. Many times i find myself caught up in something i wish i was never part of, half the time i'm fighting tooth and nail to free myself. It hasn't been an easy journey, i had never expected it to be easy, this has been a sore test, for me and everyone else, hopefully i'll emerge a stronger person after all this.

I've seen many things, learned many things and i can say for certain, people are never really who they are. It's a scary notion, much as i am loathe to admit it. One can be so easily condemned, forever marked, and despite the best he gives, it can all be twisted with a sly play of words, insinuated against, manipulated, all with a smiling face. It disgusts me. Yet under the curse of Pandora's Box, there still is hope, minute as it is, it's efforts inexorable, i'm thankful i've still friends to lean on, that there's still a glimmer of hope in this grim world.

I'm having alot of mixed feelings, i really enjoy the freedom of sailing, as much as we are confined onboard a ship, lying spread-eagled on the flight deck, with nothing but the clear sky and cold winds, seeing nothing but the endless seas, part of me doesnt want to go home. I want to exult in this freedom longer. It doesnt compare to the freedom back at home, a freedom that is marked by boundaries that constantly shift to strangle. But home calls all the same, the sense of familiarity a warm fuzzy feeling, of friends and family, familiar places and the roots of my life.

Wednesday 1017H 03.12.08

It is officially the last day in the Northern Arabian Gulf (NAG), the last few hours we'll ever see of the oil platforms, the coalition warships, the tugs bumming about and the constant activity that we are here for, everyday 24/7. Suddenly there is a sudden sense of loss, of emptiness, a loss of purpose and direction, and i'm left floundering and bereft. I simply can't help this melancholy. Such bittersweet memories. We have come so far for so long, for a moment i thought it would never end. But i delude myself, all good things come to an end, don't they. It's the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. Honestly, i'm a little intimidated by the big unknown ahead. Strange what time does to you, no? It's a scary and exciting thought. Time is one thing i cannot fight and hope to win.

-When reality fades into memory...-