The Age of Enlightenment.

I see my past self in the mistakes of others and I'm ashamed of how far I've fallen, countless excuses I have conjured up for myself. A whole new perspective really...

Yes, eyes are forward looking, we are engineered that way. All we see in the mirror is always what we want to see, because it is merely a reflection which we scrutinise and change that we do not agree with.

The eyes are hardly inward looking, we care too much about how we perceive other people perceiving us to really take that introspective inspection upon ourselves. I suppose that is the flame of life, burning in us the need for alacrity (but not clarity) with which to treasure time and live for the moment, indulge in the very spontaneity of the moment. Yet, oftentimes I succumb to my whims and fancies, my very emotional mood swings. Never once did I pause to see where I could have gone wrong.

No, the world does not revolve around me, no amount of whining, complaining and bitching is gonna get me anything more than attention seeking sycophants or that 'get a life!' sneer. In truth, yes, I do need to get a life, because I've been living a lie conjured up by my silly head. No, everything is NOT going to be fine if I just sit here and cry. Pain is weakness leaving the body. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

There is the initial masked self, and then there's the staged self, before we finally descend upon the true self.

We mask ourselves yes, to perform to socially acceptable standards. To conform more like, twisting something that is natural into something stilted. Why? To fade into mediocrity? Or afraid of persecution - people fear that which they do not understand, and thus they excise it. Homophobia, racism, xenophobia, gender discrimination. They cruelly categorise and label as such, like uniform inferior products in a factory line, nothing more. We are not mere goods for sale, we are humans. With every right to live and love as anyone else.

Stigma, how far can one run away from that, today? I stage myself to hide. I hide my true self less to those I know.

No, it's no longer about the me, myself and I. Wondering 'why me', 'why doesn't anybody understand me', that I hope is a thing of the past for me. And after all this while, I think I finally know why.

Out of that pit of self-pity.
Out.
NOW.

Some day I might find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, we'll go on living separate lives
Yes for now, we'll go on living separate lives
Separate lives

Peculiar Chris.

I want to say Yes. But I cannot generalise. How much do I really know.. of my friends, people I trust, people I know, and ultimately myself. I feel naked, about how little I actually know. What does it take, to really open up?

I suppose, everyone has their own innate defensive mechanism, to deal with hurt, to deal with pain, to deal with tragedy. Do you try to rationalise it, without the terms of pain? Do you ignore it? Or stand as a firmament against its wrath? Or would you simply take it all for what it's worth, and come to terms with it?

What does it take for one person to drop their most basic defense mechanism, and to commune with another? A martyrdom of the soul, and put it all up to the stake. And be rewarded beyond measure? What does it feel to have those aged walls finally come crumbling down... A breath of fresh air?

What would you do, confronted with grim reality..? But then again, what is it that you are living for?

For life and happiness.

Thank you. Johann S. Lee

the awakening.

I wonder why I still refuse to open my eyes to see.

Will I ever wake up one morning and not remember a single shred of this pain.

Can I truly say I'm happy because it happened instead of agonising over the end?

Fallin' Out.

Candles.

Can I pull myself from the quagmire? Saying that I'll be waiting.

While all I see is your shadow pulling away...

Slowly fallin... slowly fallin...

do i wait? do i hold it? do i lock it away? can i put it away? what of me now?

Dance in the dark.

The merest thought of you.
Listening to the same music I'm listening to right this moment now.
Doing exactly what I'm doing right now.
Everything in tandem (except thinking of me)
When I close my eyes.
It's as if you were just right here next to me.
And I right there next to you (does it ever feel like this to you)

We are together again (but no)
The light shatters your vague form (do you close your eyes ever so briefly)
The light shatters your world around me(and see me in the dark)
And I'm alone again (i cry out)

I just wanna...
Dance in the dark (for a little while longer...)

It has been so long.

The holidays have been a quiet one. As much as I'd like to say somethings, they seem to escape me every time I'm here. Yes, so many things have changed. And school's gonna be starting in a few hours time. I guess I haven't much time for thinking too deeply. Although the worrying is always there, the nagging feeling that keeps me chained to reality, the necessity to survive. As much as I hate it, I suppose it's good.

And I walk alone this new year. In this world of strangers and friends, of acquaintances and gnats abound, of the cacophony, of the sighs and the screams. Silence is abound. White noise. Black silence. It all fades into black and white, bland and colourless.

For without you, I am nothing.

New beginnings? I'm too stubborn and blind for that. I'd wait my chance. Impatient gnat that I am.