Chilling.

One more.
One more that has been chosen to leave.
Earlier than we would have.

So much that I would question.
So much that I do not understand.
So much that I wish I could comprehend.

Yet the enormity of it all escapes me.
Yet what should I care at all.
For all the reasons that things occur anyway.

Perhaps we were never in any place to comprehend the why behind all things.
Perhaps it is only in our capacity to experience the real and the now.
Just as it is everyone's prerogative to be happy.

Think not.
Live life.

The Night.

The Night it falls deeper and with it my very heart.
I may have said it were over.
I may have seen for that moment of clarity.

But I know not what plagues me now.
Fallen prey to my darker natures again?
That this cold mirthless smile belies a soul in agony.
Screaming against it all.
What is it that I really desire?

I know not.
I know nothing.
That is a scary thought.

Delusions of grandeur.

So pride has become the fall of me.
Creepy thing that it is,
You never know you are taken
Until it has sunk its proverbial claws into you.
And you desperately craft illusions to dispel the fear

That fear never really disappears.
It merely sinks deeper
Twisting you apart.

My Sister's Keeper

I loved the movie.
Hence I shall not attempt to write an essay extolling it's virtues.
Which sister is whose keeper then.
Love and it's myriad forms.
I cried buckets for sure.
I'm like that.
Above all I'm reminded of so many sweet things
Of you.

When the sky is dark velvet

My mind is pure clarity.
Oh how i laugh...

enfin.

I know not who to go to.
There are no words for this.
I have not felt such pain.
It is the first.
Nor will it be the last
Or the most hurtful.
But it hurts enough.
Hopefully I would pine for you.
No more.
No more.

I wonder how hard hearted can you get...
Wait. You didn't have to be...
For I no longer mean anything...
After all that...
Nothing at all...
No more.
No more.

You And I

2NE1 Lyrics to You and I

No matter what happens
Even when the sky is falling down
I’ll promise you
That I’ll never let you go

Oh~~~Oh~~Oh~~~oh~~Oh~~~oh~~Yeah~~~

You naega sseureojilddae
Jeoldae heundeullimeopsi
Ganghan nunbicheuro
Myeotbeonigo nal ileukyeojweo

And you, na himae gyeoulddae
Seulpeumeul byeolang kkeutkkaji ddo akkimeopsi
Chajawa du son japeun geudaeyegae

[Chorus]

Nan haejoongae eopneundae
Chorahan najiman
Oneul geudae wihae i norae booleoyo
Tonight geudaeye du noonae
Geu miso dwiae nalwihae gamchweowatdeon
Apeumiboyeoyo

You and I together
It just feels so right
Ibyuliran maleulhaedo
Geu nuga mweorahaedo nan geudael jikilgae

You and I together
Nae du soneul nochijima
Annyoungiran maleun haedo
Naegae i saesangeun ojik neo hanagiae

You maneun sarangcheoreom
Oori sarang yeokshi jogeumssik byunhagaetjyo
Hajiman jaebal seulpeo malayo
Oraen chinhan chingu cheoreom
Namaneul mideulsuitgae gidaelsuitgae
I promise you that I’ll be right here, baby

[Chorus]
Nan haejoongae eopneundae
Chorahan najiman
Oneul geudae wihae i norae booleoyo
Tonight geudaeye du noonae
Geu miso dwiae nalwihae gamchweowatdeon
Apeumiboyeoyo

You and I together
Nae du soneul nochijima
Annyoungiran maleun haedo
Naegae i saesangeun ojik neo hanagiae

Waeroun bami chajaolddaen
Na salmyeosi nooneul gamayo
Geudaeye soomgyeoli nal aneulddae
Mueotdo duryeopji anjyo
E saesang geu eoddeon nugudo
Geudaereul daeshin halsueopjyo
You are the only one
And I’ll be there for you, baby

You and I together
It just feels so right
Ibyeoliran maleulhaedo
Geu nuga mweorahaedo nan geudael jikilgae

You and I together
Nae du soneul nochijima
Annyoungiran maleunhaedo
Naegae i saesangeun ojik neo hanagiae

Just you and I
Forever and ever


****Translation****
No matter what happens
Even when the sky is falling down
I’ll promise you
That I’ll never let you go

Oh~~~Oh~~Oh~~~oh~~Oh~~~oh~~Yeah~~~

You, When I fell
you held me back up with an unfaltering gaze

And You, through those sad times
held my hands till the end of the world

[Chorus]
I might be a shabby person who has never done anything for you
But today, I am singing this song just for you
Tonight, within those two eyes and a smile
I can see the pains from protecting me
You and I together. It’s just feels so right
Even though i bid you goodbye, to me this world is just you
You and I together, don’t ever let go of my hands
even though i bid you goodbye, to me this world is just you

Our love has changed a bit by bit just like others
But don’t be sad
Hopefully I will be someone who you can trust like an old friend
and someone you can lean onto
I promise you that I’m be right here baby

[Chorus]
I might be a shabby person who has never done anything for you
But today, I am singing this song just for you
Tonight, within those two eyes
and smile I can see the pains from protecting me
You and I together. It’s just feels so right
Even though i bid you goodbye, to me this world is just you
You and I together, don’t ever let go of my hands
even though i bid you goodbye, to me this world is just you

I close my eyes lightly whenever I feel lonely again
I no longer fear when your breath holds me
No one in the world can replace you
You are the only one in I’ll be there for you baby

You and I together, It’s just feels so right
Even though i bid you goodbye, to me this world is just you
You and I together, don’t ever let go my hands
even though i bid you goodbye, to me this world is just you

Just you and I
Forever and ever..

Awake at this time of the night.

Once more.

I can't put my finger on the Merchant of Venice essay. Got a few points down, just can't seem to string them all together coherently. Just had a tutorial on "Paul's Case" today by Willa Cather. It's about escapism. Running away from the stifling mundane life of the middle class. In our context, the railroad track of life, preset, predestined, unchangeable. Routine. And dear Paul struggles so much. Running away, from life, from us the reader, lastly out onto the tracks of an oncoming train away from the author. He falls back into the grand design of things.

Just hit me that's all.

Very many things have gone wrong. I've become afraid. I seem to be become the thing that I most detest. Again. Always been this way. I just sink away into my own oblivion when the mind-numbing words hit me, they connect, and part of me just fizzles away, all that circuitry fucked.

I want to stop. And take a check. If I can stop my garbled thoughts from going into involuntary flashback mode. It just hits me at the worst times. And they just keep coming back. All those memories. Oh what have I done to make them so? They just haunt me, and haunt me. Where is that little prison that dark memories, secrets and pain goes? Let me in there.

My heart withered on this day.

Death.
Fatality.
The End.

Sledgehammer blows.

I face this unfeeling wall...
I have run out of words for all this.
I try to forget.
I drown myself with work.
In the hopes to numb myself.
It works for awhile...
Where I expend myself feverishly.
I fall back again after
Into an empty cradle.
And all the thoughts of you come
Rushing unbidden.
The sweet memories are bittersweet.
The bad ones are sledgehammer blows
The ugly ones are poignant still...
Have I not reaped enough of what I've sown?
Am I no more than an insignificant speck in your eyes.

I am at wits end.
I feel... I wonder if I feel through all this at all?

All i want this birthday

Is nobody but You.

You.

I freeze and lock up
I often am tongue tied
I can only look on forlornly
I have so much that i want to say
I think of you and what we did
I do that all the time
I cannot forget
I do not want to
I have said many things
I perhaps haven't said what I really felt
I promise you
I do solemnly promise you this
I will never do anything to hurt you again
I will be your protector
I will do all in my power to keep that promise
I will promise you happiness
I will be yours and no other

I have been blind
I wish for but a chance to see clearly again
I have been weak and afraid
I was selfish about myself
I treated you lightly
I never truly thought about how you felt
I only cared for how I felt
I know only now that you gave me more than enough chances
I simply failed to see them
I played hard-to-get to my folly
I must have been so blind
I never really bared my heart to you till recently
I gave to you so little of what you gave me
I wish for but a chance to return your affections

Let me please.
Let me not bleed my heart dry.
Let me not cry into my pillow
Let me once more into your broken heart.
Let me do the mending.
Let me love you.

The existentialist angst.

Everything is predestined.
That is merely a euphemism for
A controlled life"style".
Every waking moment seems like a battle.
Every night we fall asleep exhausted is
A battle lost.
The battle being fought daily.
To escape the mundane drawl of life.
Some are ignorant robots.
Yet the tragedy here is we are cognizant fools.
You work not because you want to.
It's because you have to.
Because society itself creates the need to.
Ironic how we wind the chains around ourselves?
We do not want for more money for more luxuries.
Because society creates the greed for more want.
For more luxuries that are prescribed to you
By society itself.
We want high fashion not because of innate desire.
Because society grants her blessings to the presentable.
We want to travel not to explore.
Because society creates the angst for the need to travel
Society, scheming thing that it is uncannily puts
A gleaming silver platter for us the ravenous.
Our desires are no longer our desires
Not because we want something truly madly deeply
But because society creates that need for us to want it so badly.

You say friends.
You say you meet up for old times sake.
You are actually saying you meet friends to catch up on the latest gossip/information
For use on your daily battlefield
Ammunition to attain what society wants you to want.
Friends are your social tools and weapons.
What is true friendship but unadulterated desire for more?

Desire. Even that is tainted.
You say you like someone.
You are saying you like how someone looks.
You are saying you like how society crafts good looking models for you to admire.
You are saying you like society's ideals of desire.
Not your own.
How often do you say, that person has got a heart of gold?
Which sickening little part of your life now
Is really yours?
In this world that revolves around
Money
Appearances
Desire

It is no wonder that the philosophers of the past fear this monstrous word.
Society.
If they were here, right here, right now.
They would commit suicide on the spot.
For who is there really for you to trust
But masterful devils of deception?
For those that say they want to 'offer' help
Ask what are you 'offering' in exchange
In that dark underground black market.

In the dead of the night.

In the dead of the night
The constant patter of the rain shatters
The silence of the night
One wonders why I am up at this hour
I often wonder that of myself too
Why can't I fall asleep
Why after all the rigors of the day
I still refuse to surrender to sweet oblivion
Beneath those velvet sheets
Because I simply can't

Isn't it pitiful
Isn't it ironic
That for all the ages that have passed
Love seems to be the one thing we still fail to master
Perhaps it is not to be mastered
Perhaps it will never be understood
Even those lucky enough merely caught a glimpse of its wonder
Silly that for all the themes of love in all literature
I thought I knew them all
I could never be more myopic
It is greater than me
It is greater than everything
It is the one core of humanity that humans have yet to grasp
It is why we are lead such pathetic and insignificant lives
Lives of quiet desperation
Yes
Thoreau got that right
A desperation that can only be fulfilled by love
Something we know so woefully little of
In this world this age this time

The patter of raindrops slow
Sporadic
Pitter patter
Drop drop drop
Silence
But silence never came

Oh but don't we all wish
We could turn back the hands of time

Can I see that warm smile again?

Oh what a fool i am what a fool what a fool i've been, i wonder if it's too hard to see that warm smile again, for it's so cold here, so cold in this world of mine i could really care less for anyone but you, but now i feel how you felt at that time when i was so heartlessly saying all those hurtful things like a spoilt little brat, i heard that pain in your voice but i turned a blind eye to it, i must have been so cruel, how you must have hurt like i do now tears we both share now, but don't kill me like that, don't leave me out there in the cold.

I walk alone.

In the soft streetlamp glow
Amidst the dancing rain
I walk alone my way
Shivering in the chill

Want for nothing in the world
But for your hands
I walk alone my way
Shivering in the chill

You & I, makes We.

Remember?
You hold my hand tight as we shoulder through the crowd.
I fold my arms against the cold as I walk amidst the bodies.
Nous apprenons francais, in the past.
J'apprend francais, now.
You eat grapes from the bowl with me.
I eat it alone, so bitter it tastes.
You hold me close as,
I hold myself and cry.
You catch my eye that night of silent lights.
I can only search endlessly for those depths to fall into.
You blow me kisses coyly with a wink.
I only wish I could return them now.
You build that sanctuary with me.
I sit lonely in my little corner, insignificant.
You clasp me in such warmth I could not lose.
I cannot wear enough for my heart is cold with pain.
Remember?

Tu me manque...

Time.

They say time would heal all wounds.
Would it get rid of my pining?

It feels like I'm being torn asunder.
I know not what to do...
Please come back and fill this void.
I dont want to forget.

Whatever walks in my heart, walks alone.

What can I say?

My mind was full of you when i heard you fell ill.
Yet you would still deny me.
Leaving you to suffer alone in silence.
You would not let me near...
And I can only see you in pain,
In my minds eye I hurt as much as you do,
And you would still keep me outside the gate.

Outside. Walls.
You would really prefer not to?
I'd prefer not to see the end.

A morning and a message.

"I just want to be left alone"
Don't we all?
Away from the people who misunderstand us?
Yet dont we all?
Secretly yearn for someone to understand us for what we are?
Accept us for what we are?
Love us for what we are?
And let silence do the talking?
I'd do just that and more...

In the dead of the night.

I wonder why in this dead of the night I still cannot fall asleep.
And I find sleepless lost souls adrift here as i am.
Troubles? Work? Or simply insomnia?
Of course we do know insomnia isnt just insomnia in itself is it?
But I really couldnt care less to classify why I'd be up at this god forsaken hour.
I'd just be up simply because I can and I am.

I think theres really nothing much i can say here that hasnt already been exhausted by the great writers throughout the span of history.
Yeah the motif of love will be eternal, but I'm not here to ramble about literature.
Accurate as it is in exposing human nature and concealing it at the same time.
But how do I exorcise your phantom that keeps haunting me so?
Yet even if I could i wouldnt?
Desire is a double edged sword.
For it is eating me from inside out.

Why dost thou haunt me so?
And all I can snatch at are vague mists that disappear by morning's light?
Would you not return to me in flesh and blood?
In form so corporeal, that I can hold again?
The silken hands of sleep enfolds me.
I wish I could surrender to your nether touch like I do with sleep.
I wonder if I would see you?

But oh how can I really sleep but slumber fitfully in half sleep without you?
You... The one that greets me with now no more than an empty smile?

Walls of Silence.

Forgive me dear friends. If I have been distant. There are some things I wish not to burden friends with, or I would start to foster some kind of dependence on that listening ear. No, I shall have to stand alone for this, or I would always be just a snivelling heap in the corner, I will have to learn things the hard way someday.

Sometimes I do reminisce wistfully at the days when I could just stare without a care into the endless starlit skies or just wait out the fleeting sunset in the middle of nowhere, that vast freedom, I would never taste again. I often wonder how I have let myself degrade to become such a weak-willed creature, this sickening cycle seems to be cruelly repeating itself, like some self propagating prophecy of mine. Endless anticipation. Fleeting joy. Only to leave me crushed at the end. Still, I must endure this torture, but sometimes I take leave of my senses, I become half of what I once was, maybe even lesser. A beggar for alms.

No, I do not have the luxury of time. No, I'm not just some attention seeker. No, I am much more than just that. And no, do not give me that knowingly condescending look because you have no idea, no idea at all, of the depth of me.

Yet, I'm to be the hand of mine own destruction, because it has always been the case. I was so blind, so blind. You had lifted the veil, but I had refused to face mine fears and so you left and shut me away into the shadows, leaving me floundering helplessly in that momentary flash.

Seems like I always take the wrong divide in the fork. Know that I would give anything for your guiding hand out of this mire.

Westlife.

Something reminded me of you.
Remember Westlife?
Remember me?

Answer.

Why do i write indeed? Perhaps a need for an outlet, where answers are not easily found I rant for them, in the hopes of them getting heard. Why do i write? Perhaps a need to put intangible emotions into tangible words. Why do i write still? Perhaps it is to bridge that gap that mere voices can never fully express, I have more time to craft each and every single thought, condensed into a word or splashed out in a torrent of an essay. I write to fulfill all these little curiosities of mine and of human nature, as long as our history stretches, we will always remain an enigma to ourselves.

For all of my eloquence, my ardour and my desire, intricately put together as a gift for you. I would be greeted by a wall of silence. Perhaps I was merely being facetious, desperate and cheap, that in reality I do not actually subscribe to the ideals I have painted for you. Perhaps it really is so, that I am changing into something i am not, or maybe i am finally honest and brave enough to bare myself for the worm that i really am.

I can beseech you nothing no longer.

Oh hark! Dost thou not hear the most melancholy bells of irony ringing at the back of my poor little head?

I just keep falling harder all the time.

"Wait for You" Elliot Yamin comes up on my Itouch, of all times, i must admit it knows me well. Yes i dont know what else i can do, dont tell me i ran out of time.... Feels like something right out a soppy drama. But, much as you might scorn the dramas, they do reflect the realities, those heart-wrenching moments that you never thought possible. Well it happens. That much I have attested to.

You are resolute, you stand firm in your decision to put me out of your life, your mind. You are unforgiving, you do not allow me closer than an arms length now. My words were lethal indeed, a double edged sword that cut me as deeply as they seem to have plunged into you. But I'm the weaker one, I succumbed to the pain, while you merely turned away, closed your heart against the pain.

I marvel at you. I'm reduced to a sniveling heap begging your graces, I cried for you and I cried for my folly, from mine eyes where I thought barren of moisture. But with you, somehow something broke the long standing dams. Many times, I fell and I stood up again. All I felt was a dull sense of emptiness, calling to fill a gaping void within, those were the days, when crying seemed nigh impossible for all the hurt I felt. But with you, I realized that all that were before was merely no more than the tip of the iceberg, and you were the start of something wonderful for me, a whole new world of experiences.

An insurmountable task faces me. Ironic, that you wouldn't even grant me a passing glance. All that stands before me is a wall that I cannot seem to climb, and a gate that refuses to open. Is one chance for redemption too much to ask? That I must be condemned for my future mistakes? You have defeated me so utterly... I'm broken.

War within...

Just lyin in bed as I pen this. Listening to some gregorian music I haven't heard in awhile... Lettin it take me away as I drown in days long gone. And questioning every superficial act of mine. Bitter laughter rings deep within full scorn, filled with such sadistic irony.

Oh I've come full circle indeed.

My world was emptied.

I cried. I actually cried...

I'm breathless.

I feel like I've been winded.
I can't breathe.
It feels like an iron gauntlet closed around my chest.
This. Has. Happened. Again.
The pain seems to multiply after every encounter.
I can barely think.
It's my fault.
It has always been.
This. Hurts. Worse. Than. Ever.

It has been awhile...

Yes this has been a long hiatus since i last posted. A great many things have happened within the short span of these few months. I'm just a little overwhelmed. Friends, they have seen my rise and fall. My triumphs and my failures. But few have ever felt or known the frailty of my spirit. So many times, it seems like i've just brought myself back from the edge dealing with it all. Leaving me a husk that i can barely elucidate my thoughts. I just let it all fall away. There is no more want. A desire to share, to make known, to ask for help to take me out of the quagmire, i just let myself sink. Sink into oblivion. Words that i have heard from so long ago seem so far away, like i was a different me.

Yes perhaps you may say that i am emo. That i am weak. That i cannot seem to pull myself from out of this. Even that i accede. Because that flame that used to keep me going has eluded me. Now it is burning me. I know not even what i say or even what i'm referring to. Wait. Are not these sentences so disjointed? Yes. Like shattered fragments of a mirror.

I am daunted. Because your truth and your insistence in the truth of it all is all powerful. All crushing, it brooks no resistance, no 'lies', because all other truths are merely lies because we cannot see eye to eye. In fact I do want to see eye to eye. But you are too blind to see. So blinding is your light of truth. Truth does not need to be proven with facts because it is the truth, hence it is fact. Perhaps it's me. I am not trustworthy. You would sooner believe lies of my scandals than the truth of my innocence. True, that I might not be as innocent as it seems, but, liar? You would know me as a lousy one. Should i ever seek to hoodwink you, it would never rest well with me. But what does all this matter. Does my innocence matter? Does even the truth matter? Does the memories of all that happened before matter? No. Because the wall of your heart is impenetrable, behind that your mind. No words, nor actions, nor even the truths of mine would breach that. I have done all i could. If you should still turn that wall, your back, against my face. If you wouldn't allow me even the slightest chance of my redemption.

Then everything would fade into impermanence. Disappear beneath the ethereal haze. Blown away like sand in the wind. And all that remains is a towering fortress of hatred, pain and darkness. All because you shunned the light of forgiveness.

One that will never be further than the fringes of memory.

The language of skin on skin
A million words, a thousand images
A single near-telepathic sensation
A tangle of limbs
An entity of warmth
An iron brand seared into mind's eye
Gently caressing the roughness of said scar
Every touch a tingle. Every tingle a flash.

Until then I ride the endless meandering river.
A waterfall or the open sea i know not.

Stories of Hagen Daz Ice Cream

What does a tub of Hagen Daz say?
Anticipation?
What does a tub of Hagen Daz left in the freezer for far too long say?
Forgotten?
Or reminiscence?

A long hiatus.

It's been a long hiatus I admit. A little longer than I myself had anticipated or wanted. Suffice to say not everything can be made public, or rather me, comfortable enough for it to be made known.

Many things have of course occurred in this short period. Things and people come and go. I had risen high and sunk low. But things have come to the end of their journey. I need to come to a stop. Time has given me new perspectives. Hopefully Time can heal the hurts that only Time alone can.

Many things change. But friendship to me is a constant that never will.

All good things come to an end.

Alan probably just took off from Changi Airport's Terminal 3 as I pen this. Indeed it is not the length of time that measures the depth of a friendship. It is the memories we share that matter.

He has been our coach, a persistent coach to one of the noobest teams around. Yes, he could have chosen other teams with his skills but he chose us. He pushed us to new heights where we wouldnt have dreamed of. In return, we gave him friendship and trust in a place where he could only find selfishness.

Words are inadequate. Tears are held back. With a stolid wave and a firm hug and pat on the back. A few strangled words. For words come choked with emotion waiting to breach the dams. He turned and took a long look of us, poignant for him, melancholy for us. A step, across the threshold, our worlds separated.

It is time to end the chapter with Alan, and pen our experiences in a new chapter. Life goes on. Albeit without that little bit of joy and laughter and silly things we all so fondly miss. All we have are but shadows.

I've been such an air head.

I'm so sorry for such a blatant breach of trust. I know it's gonna take sometime to get it back. I have no illusions but yes, folly on my part. No excuses. I still feel terrible about it. And will be for a time. I can't apologize enough. I'm not taking this lightly just so you know. I don't wanna risk losing a friendship like yours.

Curses!

Bittersweet

If I tell you
Will you listen?
Will you stay?
Will you be here forever?
Never go away?
Never thought things would change, hold me tight
Please don't say again that you have to go

A bitter thought
I had it all
But I just let it go
Hold your silence
It's so violence since you're gone

All my thoughts are with you forever
'Till the day we'll be back together
I will be waiting for you

If I had told you
You would've listened
You had stayed
You would be here forever
Never went away

It would never have been all the same
All our time what have been in vain
Cause you had to go

The sweetest thought
Had it all
Cause I did let you go
All our moments keep me warm
When you're gone

All my thoughts are with you forever
'Till the day we'll be back together
I will be waiting for you.



How very foolish of me. Dare I blame myself for lettin my heart rule my head? I ride on the crest of every new emotion, but never a captain of my vessel. Merely a willing passenger, waiting to see where this storm or the fair winds would bring me in my voyage.

So i'm unexpectedly mired in a maelstrom. It just seems all too familiar sometimes. I've seen it. I've heard it. I've even come close enough to feel it. And it eludes me again all the same.

"There isn't as much pain in life if you don't let yourself get entangled with others"

"But is that really living?"

I have to make a resolution with myself.

I have been hiding from the truth all along. So pathetically lying to myself about the reality of things. Wallowing in the pit of self pity. Attention seeker. Making my issues everyone else's problem. And just not doing anything to deal with it. Waiting for someone to pick me up. To give myself the illusion that someone actually gives a damn. So weak. So weak. Yes, i'm a self centered little bitch. No the world does not revolve around me. I refused to pick myself up. To open my eyes to see the truth. To acknowledge certain things. I am disgusted with myself. That's why i need to change. I can't have that elevated image of myself. I can't run. I have to deal with it.

The Medal.

It's been awhile. Yes i suppose i'm proud of the medal. After all not many nsfs can say they have one. Albeit some may say it's just a medal, and they just want to get on with their two years and get out, some even resort to anything to escape the inevitable. Yeah, we all chao geng time to time when things get a little over the top. But...

I'm not ashamed to say that i rather enjoyed my 2 years and 9 months in the service, yes there was alot of shit flying around, things i didn't like, people i didn't like, management i didn't like. But life doesn't always agree with you. What some people doesn't realise is that life does not revolve around them, yet they try ways and means to twist everything to their will. Whether they achieve their goals or not, they are the ultimate losers.

This deployment took the most out of me, but it also made the most out of me. It's been awhile since the crew disembarked from the ship at mission's end each walking their own way. But today it was great having everyone back again, familiar faces i used to see all around the ship. Every face has a memory. Each face brings a flash of memory.

Did i deserve this?

Hurt.

Rainy days.

Maybe its the weather. It's so damp and dreary and I can't seem to find that snugness i so often find in my bed in this weather in the past. There's this restlessness i can't quite quell. I can't put my finger to it. Not quite, no. I hate this jobless limbo. Because of it i can't enjoy my time, spendin my money. It's like a leash on my neck. I just want to get out and do something, not wastin my time away at home. Feelin so useless.

Ah another dear friend of mine is leaving again, its barely 2 months since we first met. But fate is as cruel as it is generous. Or perhaps simply above petty human emotions, weaving its intricacies into our lives. Perhaps life is just a grand game of chess, you'll never know, but i digress.

So... where do i go from here? In life and in love.

Changeling.

Just caught Marley and Me on thursday. Yes, its the story of the dog. Actually I saw it more as a story of life. The lives of very ordinary people, with hopes and fears just like we do. I connected with it. Changes come from every direction, some by choice, others unexpected, of course not all favourable. Some of these changes may strike you so quickly in life, that you are just left shell-shocked and numb. But what makes Marley so incredible and heartening is because he is the anchor of the family. Marley is the one and only constant in their whirlwind of change, and many a times when we are left floundering in the wake of change, we only want a pillar of support to hold on to. Marley is just that.

And it was just the 4 of us friends from different walks of life. All sharing the same burning passion for life. Sitting down on the steps, watching the world go by, little stories unfolding in every little corner. Talking about every little thing, joblessness, further studies, the mile high job, sex, job experiences, life stories, fortune telling, the invisible hand of fate, the grand design, life as a whole. And I will have to move on eventually. We talked about goals and what we want in life. Different peoples with different dreams, all taking a different path in life, further studies, moving away to another country, taking a retail job - retail hours, me - bumming my way around.

Once again, i'm struck by the inevitable hands of time. And i gotta pick my ass up and move. And i leave a little bit of me behind.

Why?

Why do i refuse to heed my inner voice all the time?
All the time I've been lying to myself.
Letting all these romantic notions get to my head.
I wont stop until i get myself hurt in the end why?
Because i refuse to see the light.
I cant even believe the speed at which all this is coming back to me.
Why? Because it's always been there just waiting for this time to spring.
I hate myself.
For all of this.
But yes i need this closure.
It's just that i'm too much of a coward to do it myself.
I have been such a fool.
A love fool.

Is there anything new?

Screw the damned fucking recession. You know I never really gave much damn to the whole economy thing but I need a job, badly. Yes, for the money to fund my lifestyle. For the money to fund my uni. And for the job to take me away from this endless monotony of bumming at home with nothing to do, no one to go out with, much less money to spend on going out with. I swear I'm going to lose my mind.

Worse, something that I should have long given up, keeps coming back to my mind, why oh why do you haunt me so? I wish I had the courage to end it for myself. This is merely a hallucination. So real yet incorporeal.

Cynicism and Pain.

It is saddening to see so many people fencing off themselves. Gettin to know someone is like having to climb a wall, a mental barrier. Yet some people hole themselves in mighty fortresses, that none but themselves may enter. I cannot blame them, its simply nature's way of protecting yourself from further harm. Once bitten twice shy eh, how sad. They refuse to trust and love all because they are afraid of being bitten again, hurting again. I just think that if life goes on like that, its just gonna be so bland, always hiding, always shying, always running away, why? Fear.

Life is all too short to be spent hiding away. It's about taking the plunge and discovering, be it good or bad, its something to learn. You might come away scarred, but that should serve as a reminder, not an inhibition to living life.

In this sad reality, we all pay homage to Janus, the two-faced god. One for yourself and one for the world.

I'm high now.

Okay... im still in a woozy kinda mood right now. Just got home from clubbing. You have no idea how tough it is to write these few sentences. Ah well its fun, but thats not the point really.

I wanted to give a review about Changeling, thought it was good to share lest i forget ever so easily.

Changeling the movie starring Angelina Jolie playing a single mother Christine Collins of a 9 year old son, finds him missing after work. Jolie's portrayal of the woeful mother was terribly evocative and raw. We cannot help but empathize with her plight. Visceral and poignant it reminds us of the many things we take for granted, Christine battles overwhelming odds as she faces a corrupt LAPD bent on closing the case by giving her a fake son to generate good media, the LAPD, threatened, locked her up in a psychopathic ward. The story then delves deeper as a serial killer was found to have abducted boys for murder, of which Christine's son Walter could have been killed in. Christine, devastated searched evermore vigorously for the truth, of which she managed to turn the tables to convict the LAPD of shirking their responsibilities.

The story ends when she receives a call about a boy who was found, but it was yet another disappointment as it wasn't her son. That was a powerfully poignant scene that moved the audience to tears. I wouldnt call it a tear-jerker per se. But for those who wish to follow the story, its definitely worth your while.

I'm not a terribly good reviewer, but i'm learning the ropes. I give it 3.5 stars =)

If only you had eyes to see....

Life snaps right back to reality when the magic of booze fades. For a moment under the yoke of alcohol, we all felt vibrant and alive. Different. Elevated. Free. With the chains trailing behind you not wanting to let go.

Love is such a many splendoured thing indeed. Because we all covet it. The unattainable impossible. I'm beginning to wonder if we could really sate our hearts desire after pursuing such an arduous path to love? Would the transaction be as promised? The stuff of magic?

Roses. How apt.

Taken ahold of.

I have rather quaint revelations of life sometimes, as i walk by the streets, watching the life of others go by. Like a muse they grant their inspirational wisdom and depart, silent as they came. Indeed, in my time of dire need for a pillar to hold on to, i'm graced with wonderful friends that appear at my doorstep, much to my surprise. Amazing how uncertainty may not always be a bad thing, a silver lining indeed.

A saying goes, "Live everyday like it is your last", but how many ever truly follow it, much less believe in it. After listening in on a friend's past few years, i cannot but thank the stars for my good fortune. Count your blessings indeed. Yes, life IS unpredictable. I cannot imagine what would become of me if such events occurred on myself. It sparked a quiet fear, a fear that would drive me to explore my life to its limits. Nobody wants to live a life of regrets. Do you?

>.< I read back and i find it preachy don't you? You of all people should know that, too bad i'm not in the writing kinda mood to put it with my usual sardonic flair. Yes, i need that spark to write. So now, i just need sometime to think and reflect. Take some well deserved rest before plunging headlong into the hectic workforce.

Forever Yours.

Fare thee well, little broken heart
Downcast eyes, lifetime loneliness

Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone

Constant longing for the perfect soul
Unwashed scenery forever gone

Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone

No love left in me
No eyes to see the heaven beside me
My time is yet to come
So I'll be forever yours

Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone

No love left in me
No eyes to see the heaven beside me
My time is yet to come
So I'll be forever yours

No love left in me
No eyes to see the heaven beside me
My time is yet to come
So I'll be forever yours

Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone

Whatever walks in my heart

Tarja Turunen - Nightwish.

I wonder why i'm so affected by this lilting melody. Love is like a pheonix, dying and rekindling from its ashes. It is beautiful, and yet painful to bear witness to. How many of such unending cycles must i endure? One too many, too soon.