what is this?

it's a cold sunday morning onboard the ship at 1 am. i'm in the training room where all the vsat facilities are, bathed in the warm glow of the lights, alone in the corner, blogging. there are 2 other people on the phone, happy in their own little conversations, their own world, we ignore each other. i hear footsteps and happy-racous beer-drunk voices, someone invites me to a drinking bout, i politely but firmly rejected it. i ensconce myself away, for awhile at least i try. privacy and solitude are such rare commodities here.

it's around 6 in singapore where it's still shrouded in darkness and everyone's snug asleep on the weekend, glad to be away from work. and i'm so alone. as such i wish there were someone to talk to, anyone. but no one's awake.

i'm so sick, so tired, so irritated. i just happened to lose my camera in Doha, in some cab. so easily replaceable with some money. why do i care? not replaceable are everything else that i beheld with mine own eyes. those are the precious things, all those things i took are part of my memories, losing it is like having amnesia, for the pictures taken from someone else are not taken from mine eyes. they are not mine. i might as well take them off the net.

so many things have happened, my phone died on the first day, i have to keep contending with some people i can't avoid, people who are out to make life difficult for me, people whose minds have no rein over their mouths, mouths that spit poison but pretend it to be playful banter, words that deliver stinging slaps not in the name of playful verbal sparring, out to hurt whether of ignorance or sheer viciousness i know not, also there are people that are insensitive, doing things to inconvenience the whole lot, people who use their rank and position to the fullest in the most condescending manner possible, people who are arrogant that i happen to share the mess with. and i had to lose the most tangible form of memories to ignorance on my part due to fatigue, who can i blame but myself?

i really really wonder if i can contend with this any further.

and i am helpless to do anything but hide away.

i wonder if i might implode.

i wonder what else i might lose?

The Trial by Tobasco.

And the tale begins on the fateful eve of my 21st birthday. The navy is known for the crazy things people do when the ship crosses the equator. My 21st birthday is merely a glimpse of that.

Hah, it began well enough, the clock struck 12, SG time while we were on watch. Bravo Watch counted down and sang me a birthday song on the comms net. Which was very nice. Before i was done thanking them, i hear evil laughter. And yes i'll be in for a hell of a ride.

Sure enough, i was dumped into a swill bin, luckily for me the bag was already sealed, but that did not exclude the smell and the leaks. Summarily, in my mess, i was tackled, pinned, tied, bound, stripped. Then come the stuff.

Markers, feng you, and lastly TOBASCO. All in the wrong places where the sun dont shine. Then dragged into the toilet for a thorough drenching and toilet brushing, though it did little to help the burning which for a moment i thought someone doused my nether regions with flammables and set them afire. The fire raged for half and hour. Water and soap did little to help.

After they were done with me, the real fun began. By that i mean collateral damage. LaiHock, ChongYee, August, Bernard, Samuel all got roped in. The toilet was a mess of water, coke, sprite, soap, and tobasco sauce.

Well that was that for my 21st. I will need some time to reflect.

P.S. Tobasco is EVIL.

So many things. Too little time. The Irony of it all.

Well, according to someone who decided to do some maths, we apparently have 67 more days out at sea before we arrive back in Singapore waters, Changi Naval Base. I wonder if it's a good or bad thing. I actually have loads to share for the past few days when i've been out of touch due to work and fatigue, but now right after a 4 hour watch, my mind's quite numbed and empty.

Ah bugger, i'll just give a brief rundown. On monday, i was given the opportunity to cross deck to HMS Lancaster, thats even after i didnt get picked in the ballot, its coz my Ops Officer was nice enough to give up his spot for me. Naturally i was rather excited after all i'm gonna be visiting an English Warship. So we were all prepared and waiting at the tank deck for the RHIB to arrive and pick us up, right when we were gonna board, the RHIB could only take 6 and i was the last min 7th insert, so i was taken out. Disappointed yes, turns out there was some miscomm, some other officer took the spot my OpsO gave to me. Oh well. Too bad. Get over it. But everyone else who heard about it came to comfort me, made me feel better, not that i felt very bad in the first place but yeah, i appreciated it. Guess what i lost in some aspects i gained in others.

The very next day, i was TOLD to go for cross deck to USCG Aquidneck, a coast guard patrol vessel. This time i did go. It was quite the experience, the officers and crew were very hospitable and accomodating, i'm quite taken aback by how so many people can live in such small spaces, but it's quite a capable vessel despite the size and age. Managed to get myself a ball cap in exchange for some of my stuff.

So that's the gist of it all.

This is for Kelvin

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be, the last of life, for which the first was made
(Robert Browning)

Thank you for the drinks
Thank you for the fun
Thank you and you, and you.

Thank you for all the letters
Thank you for the dinners
Thank you, and you and you.

Thank you for being there
Thank you for being everywhere
Thank you to you, and you and you.

Thank you for the help
Thank you for the advice
Thank you for being nice.

Thank you for msn
Thank you for all these times
Thank you, all of you.

Thank you for the kind words
The encouragement
Thank you, and you and all of you.

Thank you for the good times
Thank you for the care
Thank you for
You;
And for more Thank Yous.

Credits

And a Big Thank You to Dear Suzie for letting me have this, I owe you =)

Dubai : The High Life.

Enough about the drab and dull of downtown Dubai. It's time for me to fill you in about the glitz and glamour of uptown Dubai. Clearly seen the oil money has not gone down the drain and it has put that so much opulent use, good or bad, or ugly, so long as it entertains.

The first place we visited was the Mall of the Emirates, easily the largest mall i've seen dwarfing even our VivoCity, it's range of goods are near limitless, boasting the largest Carrefour franchise, say about twice the size we have in Singapore. I think it's the first i've seen a whole jetski on sale in a department store, the kind you would die to own (for me at least). A Grand Turismo cockpit to boot, the kind you actually sit inside to drive. Ski Dubai is also inside, it's like a huge snow park. It's probably Paragon and everything else on Orchard Road in one building plus a Snow City.

Next we visited Wild Wadi, it's an immense water theme park, very extravagant for a country where rain only comes for a week in a year. Of course the rides were equally extravagant. There was a reverse water slide where you get launched upslope by powerful jets of water, its like a water course around the whole theme park. The age old wave pool, the kiddy park with the huge water bucket. There's also a surfing place where you can try surfing against wave jets. Lastly a 7 storey high water slide which is the highlight of the place, i'd admit its quite daunting, somehow i still managed some balls for it, i'd consider it the 3rd crazy ride of my life, 2 of which in Korea. I just remember a sickening drop and lots of water in my face before exploding in a flurry of water.

Did i mention? Wild Wadi also overlooks the Dubai icon, the 7 star hotel, the Burj Al Arab. It was dazzling in the evening dusk, sitting on a lone island in its pearly whites, draped with golden hues, as the skies settled into twilight, the tower glows alive. We took pictures of the whole City from the 7 storey slide tower. From the Central Mosque to the Tallest Building and still under construction, cant remember the name, to the Burj Al Arab of course.

Okay, i'm supposed to end with something but i forgot. Sailing again tmr, oh the boredom!

A new day has come.

It's my last day in Dubai and we are on duty today. Dubai is indeed a place with sights to see, us guys in Mess 5 sure did have loads of silly beer games and drinking fun onboard ship. Suffice to say we are well rest, physically to say the least.

But for some reason my mind can't stop.

Soon we'll be departing for NAG 2 duties and it's no surprise why i'm starting to dread it. Everyone's startin to get on edge, they are snappier, get angry easier, the officers start to question and allocate blame and responsibilities. The effects are starting to show on the people below, they are frustrated, agitated, complaining about things and people they normally would just ignore.

I tell you, the ship is chock full with dynamite just waiting for the right moment. And it's scary to watch the timebomb tick down. So much friction, i hope it doesnt create too much sparks. I must say it's rather depressing to watch.

Am i tired or is it something else?

I wonder what's come over me, i wonder if it's just my duty yesterday, that i just finshed cleaning arms or is it something else entirely that i can't put my finger on. All is well, we are in Dubai now, but theres nothing more interesting than that.

Indeed true when people say the grass is always greener on the other side, it is for me anyhow, i'm missing alot of things, not feeling ecstatic, or feeling anything in particular, it's probably nothing at all in the first place.

So numb.

And i don't know what to do.

October 3rd. London.

Yes, now i know why pee misundestood my , or rather she interpreted it in a way i didn't mean it to, or i'm too blind to see it myself. Indeed, i have been rather steeped in the cyber world, so much so that sometimes i forget people close to me. And in retrospect, the italics seem so childish, i'm ashamed of myself. Finally, now that i'm here, i cherish that which i have lost. Now that it's been a month, i realise what matters. Really, the was a superflous bunch of verbose crap. Maybe coz i was half asleep. I was just forcing myself to think, i wasn't really feeling.

Why October 3rd. London?

Why, it's obviously not me.

Why, it's one of my closest friend.

I hadn't realised that his departure would mean so much. His being at home in Singapore gives my some assurance here, that i would have someone to talk to, to listen to me whatever the issue, to encourage me whatever it is. Now that he's going to leave, i feel somewhat uprooted and cast adrift without an anchor of stability.

Yes, i admit sometimes i'd take advantage of him as an emotional dumping ground. And i feel guilty that i have nothing more to offer than words.

We've known each other for close to 11 years now, it's always been a comforting presence, there's a sense of emptiness there, now that he's leaving, a certain void. You may think i'm exaggerating, perhaps. But, it pains me beyond words to not be able to say goodbye. Probably numbs the effect that i'm not even there, i'm just gonna have to acknowledge that. And that, will take some getting used to.