You don't have to know everything.

I'm 23 this year and still I have failed at asserting my own independence. Financially dependent on my Mum, still I'm hoping I didn't have to so I can finally be free of this bondage. Live on my own before I go crazy from the endless, incessant and insensitive questioning that I would often rather not answer.

You don't have to know everything about me. Even if I know that you know some things. You don't have to make it absolute. You don't need to know everything. I have a life that I don't have to report to you for. I will choose to tell you things if you didn't come asking in that voice that insinuates that I have done you some grievous wrong by holding my silence.

You and I both know that we speak metaphorically each time, hidden beneath the lines, so WHY do you want to bring it up insinuating that I'm incompetent, perhaps to you the word pride does not exist in your dictionary, or that YOUR pride overshadows everyone else's in this house.

So why don't you give a try letting me be, because I know how to handle my own affairs and it's about time letting me make decisions without consulting your consent first. Time for surprises, Mom.

So many things. So many things.

A great many things have happened lately and I want to bring them to order. I have been very frustrated with myself, and the dismal performance at the volleyball courts. I have been playing it for about 1.5 years, and the standard and level of play is just capped there. My movements are always wrong, the balls are never accurate, the few things i can really be proud of on while playing are few and far between, being replaced by better players. I hate it, I have to do something about it, I try and try so hard to focus, to control, to play smart. But I'm just not good enough.

A few job opportunities came up, and now I'm kinda wondering where I should place my time. FOC Pnp is kinda taking it's toll, I'm beginning to wonder why I landed myself there, but I just gotta do it. It's my responsibility. Some diamond thingy with Aaron Justin. Prudential. Helping Alan with classes. I'm leaning towards the classes, but that isn't around the corner. Prudential = Sales = Commission. But I'm not confident with sales, but I decide to give it my all, I can't bum around like this.

I am excited by all these future prospects, but I can't lift my heart because of that one person. Again. I really wonder how people see me, what people think of me, how people judge me. Perhaps I need to take a look in the mirror, perhaps I'm the pretentious one. I am the rude one. I am the one being really superficial, but I just can't see it. Until you went silent, I don't know what to think. Have I said something I shouldn't? Have I tried to hide what I really meant? Have I said something I didn't really mean? Have I shattered the image of innocence you had of me? Perhaps I have really broken my own rules unknowingly. All that empty sophistry.

I used to be so "emo", I thought I had conquered that feeling because I have conquered my stupidity for one person. It was an illusion merely, conquering one does not guarantee immunity from all. I am feeling the pangs again, let my common sense prevail. Please, it is a terrible cycle I want to extricate myself from. When I say I'm no longer an "emo" wreck, I may wanna rethink my definitions again.