I'm still the boy you knew.
Still the boy you knew...
9 years ago
Friday, February 19, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
How do i do it?
How can I show you that I still care.
Without seeming patronising, or desperate.
How can I show you that there's just so much more to say.
Without having my intentions misread.
How can I let you know the truth in my heart.
Without you doubting me still.
How can I express all that and more.
With mere words alone?
It is now when I know not what to say anymore.
Reason crushes me.
Logic defeats me.
Reality mocks me.
My truth lies merely in my imagination.
Too far flung for you to see.
Though I would still hope that you will.
One day.
Without seeming patronising, or desperate.
How can I show you that there's just so much more to say.
Without having my intentions misread.
How can I let you know the truth in my heart.
Without you doubting me still.
How can I express all that and more.
With mere words alone?
It is now when I know not what to say anymore.
Reason crushes me.
Logic defeats me.
Reality mocks me.
My truth lies merely in my imagination.
Too far flung for you to see.
Though I would still hope that you will.
One day.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
V-Day.
There is simply a sense of emptiness that follows with me this very day. But then again why am i not surprised at all. It has been like that since I started to fall in love. I have been falling ever since, never once soaring to the heights promised. So why am i not surprised.
I guess I'm past whining about being alone again, it's become kinda numb for me even to feel anything at this time. I am happy for the couples that have come together, witnessing the union of numerous others are sort of like a bittersweet thing for me. For all I have seen all my years, this is the one thing that has been eluding me all this while. Despite my beliefs that falling everytime would only lead me to stand up to greater heights... Yes, I've been standing taller, learning many bitter lessons, but I'm impatient - why am i nowhere nearly there yet?
It is a truly frustrating thought sometimes.
I feel like an ant being placed in a maze of doors, one such maze that spans an incomprehensible space. Filled with doors at every turn and corner. Doors that open to dizzying drops, doors that refuse to open, doors into torture chambers, doors leading to insidious traps, doors that never lead to bliss. Where might that single door be, in this dizzying space of a maze of corridors?
Believe me when I thought I found it, only to close it upon myself because of my painful skepticism of other doors - might this be a trap. I want to open it again, only to find it bolted. I don't really care anymore, because even if it were merely a beautiful illusion, it's one that I would wanna lose myself into even if for that short period of time...
Please spare me. I have been begging and banging at that door for so long my knuckles bleed, but the blood at my feet is not from my hands, but from somewhere deeper down. Please open up, even if to give me a sliver of light upon my face.
I don't want to face the dark rooms no more.
I guess I'm past whining about being alone again, it's become kinda numb for me even to feel anything at this time. I am happy for the couples that have come together, witnessing the union of numerous others are sort of like a bittersweet thing for me. For all I have seen all my years, this is the one thing that has been eluding me all this while. Despite my beliefs that falling everytime would only lead me to stand up to greater heights... Yes, I've been standing taller, learning many bitter lessons, but I'm impatient - why am i nowhere nearly there yet?
It is a truly frustrating thought sometimes.
I feel like an ant being placed in a maze of doors, one such maze that spans an incomprehensible space. Filled with doors at every turn and corner. Doors that open to dizzying drops, doors that refuse to open, doors into torture chambers, doors leading to insidious traps, doors that never lead to bliss. Where might that single door be, in this dizzying space of a maze of corridors?
Believe me when I thought I found it, only to close it upon myself because of my painful skepticism of other doors - might this be a trap. I want to open it again, only to find it bolted. I don't really care anymore, because even if it were merely a beautiful illusion, it's one that I would wanna lose myself into even if for that short period of time...
Please spare me. I have been begging and banging at that door for so long my knuckles bleed, but the blood at my feet is not from my hands, but from somewhere deeper down. Please open up, even if to give me a sliver of light upon my face.
I don't want to face the dark rooms no more.
Sunday, February 07, 2010
The Night Full of Stars.
I doubt myself sometimes. Really. As much as I have the strength of will, to do achieve what I want, I’m not sure if I have the perseverance to hold through it till the end. I am so jaded, so disjointed and so dislocated with this whole sense of reality. I wonder if I can find a space of my own without being invaded by alien thoughts all the time.
Perhaps you were right. Yet maybe you were wrong. But alas! Who can really tell for sure, whatever it is that drives a certain individual? What is it that drives me? I often wonder if my I can justify my means with the ends I achieve…
I find the very bedrock of my self shaken. There is a thin line between arrogant ignorance and believing in myself. What is it that I really want? I have been asking myself that question for so long. But the answers that I give myself are ever changing. I know not what I want. I really don’t. Where then is my direction? Where do I go from here? I don’t really know.
As I lay on the bed, staring out into space. I wish I were out at sea. Where the waves would calm me. Staring at the blanket of stars, sparkling tears in the sky at the sadness of this world. I wonder if I could find some solace in the kindred spirits that are the stars. I wish I could escape to the nothingness that is the ocean, miles and miles of open ocean, stars stretching never end. A place where time holds little meaning, where I can ponder again once more.
Perhaps you were right. Yet maybe you were wrong. But alas! Who can really tell for sure, whatever it is that drives a certain individual? What is it that drives me? I often wonder if my I can justify my means with the ends I achieve…
I find the very bedrock of my self shaken. There is a thin line between arrogant ignorance and believing in myself. What is it that I really want? I have been asking myself that question for so long. But the answers that I give myself are ever changing. I know not what I want. I really don’t. Where then is my direction? Where do I go from here? I don’t really know.
As I lay on the bed, staring out into space. I wish I were out at sea. Where the waves would calm me. Staring at the blanket of stars, sparkling tears in the sky at the sadness of this world. I wonder if I could find some solace in the kindred spirits that are the stars. I wish I could escape to the nothingness that is the ocean, miles and miles of open ocean, stars stretching never end. A place where time holds little meaning, where I can ponder again once more.
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