I just keep falling harder all the time.

"Wait for You" Elliot Yamin comes up on my Itouch, of all times, i must admit it knows me well. Yes i dont know what else i can do, dont tell me i ran out of time.... Feels like something right out a soppy drama. But, much as you might scorn the dramas, they do reflect the realities, those heart-wrenching moments that you never thought possible. Well it happens. That much I have attested to.

You are resolute, you stand firm in your decision to put me out of your life, your mind. You are unforgiving, you do not allow me closer than an arms length now. My words were lethal indeed, a double edged sword that cut me as deeply as they seem to have plunged into you. But I'm the weaker one, I succumbed to the pain, while you merely turned away, closed your heart against the pain.

I marvel at you. I'm reduced to a sniveling heap begging your graces, I cried for you and I cried for my folly, from mine eyes where I thought barren of moisture. But with you, somehow something broke the long standing dams. Many times, I fell and I stood up again. All I felt was a dull sense of emptiness, calling to fill a gaping void within, those were the days, when crying seemed nigh impossible for all the hurt I felt. But with you, I realized that all that were before was merely no more than the tip of the iceberg, and you were the start of something wonderful for me, a whole new world of experiences.

An insurmountable task faces me. Ironic, that you wouldn't even grant me a passing glance. All that stands before me is a wall that I cannot seem to climb, and a gate that refuses to open. Is one chance for redemption too much to ask? That I must be condemned for my future mistakes? You have defeated me so utterly... I'm broken.

War within...

Just lyin in bed as I pen this. Listening to some gregorian music I haven't heard in awhile... Lettin it take me away as I drown in days long gone. And questioning every superficial act of mine. Bitter laughter rings deep within full scorn, filled with such sadistic irony.

Oh I've come full circle indeed.

My world was emptied.

I cried. I actually cried...

I'm breathless.

I feel like I've been winded.
I can't breathe.
It feels like an iron gauntlet closed around my chest.
This. Has. Happened. Again.
The pain seems to multiply after every encounter.
I can barely think.
It's my fault.
It has always been.
This. Hurts. Worse. Than. Ever.

It has been awhile...

Yes this has been a long hiatus since i last posted. A great many things have happened within the short span of these few months. I'm just a little overwhelmed. Friends, they have seen my rise and fall. My triumphs and my failures. But few have ever felt or known the frailty of my spirit. So many times, it seems like i've just brought myself back from the edge dealing with it all. Leaving me a husk that i can barely elucidate my thoughts. I just let it all fall away. There is no more want. A desire to share, to make known, to ask for help to take me out of the quagmire, i just let myself sink. Sink into oblivion. Words that i have heard from so long ago seem so far away, like i was a different me.

Yes perhaps you may say that i am emo. That i am weak. That i cannot seem to pull myself from out of this. Even that i accede. Because that flame that used to keep me going has eluded me. Now it is burning me. I know not even what i say or even what i'm referring to. Wait. Are not these sentences so disjointed? Yes. Like shattered fragments of a mirror.

I am daunted. Because your truth and your insistence in the truth of it all is all powerful. All crushing, it brooks no resistance, no 'lies', because all other truths are merely lies because we cannot see eye to eye. In fact I do want to see eye to eye. But you are too blind to see. So blinding is your light of truth. Truth does not need to be proven with facts because it is the truth, hence it is fact. Perhaps it's me. I am not trustworthy. You would sooner believe lies of my scandals than the truth of my innocence. True, that I might not be as innocent as it seems, but, liar? You would know me as a lousy one. Should i ever seek to hoodwink you, it would never rest well with me. But what does all this matter. Does my innocence matter? Does even the truth matter? Does the memories of all that happened before matter? No. Because the wall of your heart is impenetrable, behind that your mind. No words, nor actions, nor even the truths of mine would breach that. I have done all i could. If you should still turn that wall, your back, against my face. If you wouldn't allow me even the slightest chance of my redemption.

Then everything would fade into impermanence. Disappear beneath the ethereal haze. Blown away like sand in the wind. And all that remains is a towering fortress of hatred, pain and darkness. All because you shunned the light of forgiveness.