Bittersweet

If I tell you
Will you listen?
Will you stay?
Will you be here forever?
Never go away?
Never thought things would change, hold me tight
Please don't say again that you have to go

A bitter thought
I had it all
But I just let it go
Hold your silence
It's so violence since you're gone

All my thoughts are with you forever
'Till the day we'll be back together
I will be waiting for you

If I had told you
You would've listened
You had stayed
You would be here forever
Never went away

It would never have been all the same
All our time what have been in vain
Cause you had to go

The sweetest thought
Had it all
Cause I did let you go
All our moments keep me warm
When you're gone

All my thoughts are with you forever
'Till the day we'll be back together
I will be waiting for you.



How very foolish of me. Dare I blame myself for lettin my heart rule my head? I ride on the crest of every new emotion, but never a captain of my vessel. Merely a willing passenger, waiting to see where this storm or the fair winds would bring me in my voyage.

So i'm unexpectedly mired in a maelstrom. It just seems all too familiar sometimes. I've seen it. I've heard it. I've even come close enough to feel it. And it eludes me again all the same.

"There isn't as much pain in life if you don't let yourself get entangled with others"

"But is that really living?"

I have to make a resolution with myself.

I have been hiding from the truth all along. So pathetically lying to myself about the reality of things. Wallowing in the pit of self pity. Attention seeker. Making my issues everyone else's problem. And just not doing anything to deal with it. Waiting for someone to pick me up. To give myself the illusion that someone actually gives a damn. So weak. So weak. Yes, i'm a self centered little bitch. No the world does not revolve around me. I refused to pick myself up. To open my eyes to see the truth. To acknowledge certain things. I am disgusted with myself. That's why i need to change. I can't have that elevated image of myself. I can't run. I have to deal with it.

The Medal.

It's been awhile. Yes i suppose i'm proud of the medal. After all not many nsfs can say they have one. Albeit some may say it's just a medal, and they just want to get on with their two years and get out, some even resort to anything to escape the inevitable. Yeah, we all chao geng time to time when things get a little over the top. But...

I'm not ashamed to say that i rather enjoyed my 2 years and 9 months in the service, yes there was alot of shit flying around, things i didn't like, people i didn't like, management i didn't like. But life doesn't always agree with you. What some people doesn't realise is that life does not revolve around them, yet they try ways and means to twist everything to their will. Whether they achieve their goals or not, they are the ultimate losers.

This deployment took the most out of me, but it also made the most out of me. It's been awhile since the crew disembarked from the ship at mission's end each walking their own way. But today it was great having everyone back again, familiar faces i used to see all around the ship. Every face has a memory. Each face brings a flash of memory.

Did i deserve this?

Hurt.

Rainy days.

Maybe its the weather. It's so damp and dreary and I can't seem to find that snugness i so often find in my bed in this weather in the past. There's this restlessness i can't quite quell. I can't put my finger to it. Not quite, no. I hate this jobless limbo. Because of it i can't enjoy my time, spendin my money. It's like a leash on my neck. I just want to get out and do something, not wastin my time away at home. Feelin so useless.

Ah another dear friend of mine is leaving again, its barely 2 months since we first met. But fate is as cruel as it is generous. Or perhaps simply above petty human emotions, weaving its intricacies into our lives. Perhaps life is just a grand game of chess, you'll never know, but i digress.

So... where do i go from here? In life and in love.