I sail. Through the crests and the troughs.

We are on to the last part of our deployment today. We are leaving harbour soon as i type this entry. Soon we will be on watch again. Alot of things have happened since the start of our deployment, but i'm just gonna let things go and begin anew. I'm not hoping for time to pass quickly, i'm just hoping i can experience everything fully. Soon, we will be heading home, soon...

The Desert Tour.

After bumming around in the Middle East, land of the rich Arabic cultures, i could hardly have missed out on the desert tour. If you were expecting the mystic stuff and tents and desert trekking and everything else you see in pictures, you couldn't be more wrong. But the real thing was close enough, most importantly, REAL enough.

We arrived around early evening, so we could escape the afternoon blaze and the scorching sandstorms, we visited a camel farm sort of, which consisted of nothing more than a few run down shacks and animal pens. The whole place stank of animal excrement, you couldnt walk and NOT step on anything. Cam-whoring sessions begin.

The sun begins to set and it casts a golden hue upon the crested dunes. The desert is like a sea of sand, the dunes like endless waves upon the endless desert, the dune peaks catch the light of the setting sun and casts them across the desert. The desert shimmers.

Soon we were boarding our 4 wheeled drives and we proceed for dune-bashing. Which is like having a roller coaster ride among the dunes. Oh the yelling. I couldnt say more. The sun glows red, settle atop a high dune to catch the sunset. Cam-whoring, yet again. We collected some sand for souvenirs, then proceeded to the desert encampment for dinner.

There was camel riding available, but i didnt ride. Those poor beasts look so miserable and they were whining and making all sorts of noises after being made to repeatedly stand and kneel to ferry people. One gave a particularly loud noise when one of the horizontally challenged tourists mounted it, albeit with much difficulty, and grunting.

Dinner was arabic buffet and bbq meats, all spread out on carpets laid on the sand, with firm cushions and a low tablet. I can't decide if i wanted to sit on the carpet or the sand, except that the sand had the tendency to get into nasty places. There was booze and some furious belly dancing, culminating with most of us dancing on the stage with her. And that was that.

Now. 1838H 19.11.08

Just had a very spicy dinner. We are sailing towards our area of ops again. Can't exactly put what i'm feeling into words. But suffice to say it's a large spectrum from the worst to the best. I just hope i don't swing around too much. Now, i'll just let the days flow me by.

A dark maelstorm.

Thursday 1600H 13.11.08

We have just arrived at harbour in Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates. It's been a long long journey, and till date 3/4 of our deployment has been completed, been lots of ups and downs, hasn't all been smooth sailing. But, I've come a long way, and I'll be home soon. It's alot of mixed feelings really, and i'm pretty ambivalent about it all. As much as I enjoy being out here and all, home calls to me all the same. And i wonder how will i deal with it at crunch time.

In restrospect. Some excerpts.

Wednesday 1707H 12.11.08

We had a confrontation. A gunner and I. It was a long time since i had shouted. It was ugly. He had accused me of sleeping on the job. Insisted. Saying I was being watched reading. That i was a BLACK SHEEP. That riled me. He casts aspersions upon me on the comms. Shattering the credibility i've been trying so hard to rebuild. Yte part of what he said had been true, it feels rotten to be second rate after all this while, i just didnt need someone to rub salt into my wounds all the time.

It then occured to me that i was being so naive. So stupid, so useless, no more worth than my occasional sarcasm. Acting all self-congratulatory to make myself feel better, about things that dont matter. What a small person I am. Self centred. Mindless. Yet i had exploded and lashed out with all my vindictiveness and angst. Feeling so myopic in the end. At the same time, i had felt so discredited and belittled by his remarks. Having doubt cast on me. That made it all the harder to clear my name. I hated everything he said. Even if it were part truth, that i had been a letdown. I had thought too highly of myself, thinking myself immune or above all these machinations.

The confrontation had made it worse. Suddenly i felt so alone, all eyes on me. Doubting me. I wonder what had become of me. I was astounded. He hit home a point. I would never have tolerated my behaviour on someone else. How could i bear to tolerate it on myself?

I had been so blind.
All is quiet.
All alone.
I need time.
The fire has faded.
And all i have is regret.

Wednesday. 1902H 12.11.08

What a poison that festers in my heart. I'm so miserable, so useless, so unwanted. And i'm helpless against it. It makes me so wretched, I'm disgusted with myself. I have been discredited, for a few mishaps, a victim of circumstances, yet i had done nothing but pushed blame aside. Hardly what i expected of myself as an adult.

I had fought tooth and nail to get where i am. But it appears i lack the mental fortitude to pull through. So weak like a willow in the wind. How will i survive the harsh reality, when i will not place the blame elsewhere but myself. Indeed, i am the black sheep. I abhor that word. It is vile. How did it all come to this?

Thursday 0504H 13.11.08

How do you pen down a maelstorm of thought? It hurt so much when those words were said. Had i myself not tried? Was i not disappointed with myself for being beneath my juniors? Yet i could not fault the things being said. All the more painful when i realised that. How did it feel for me to be left in the dark, oblivious to everything, being the last to know?

Even so, it ate at my self esteem, that i'm the weak link for so long, the weakest link, and acting like a fool of it. Abandoned, unwanted, thrash, a pain in the ass. Is that what i am? It felt like everyone was watching me with jaundiced eyes. Just putting up a front in my face.

That thought left me cold, alone and my mind shattered.

What must i do now? What CAN i do?

It's so cold.

Yep, i have been away for awhile, time's just a little tight here. We are now about halfway done, halfway more to go. The weather has changed, drastically. It's a measly 20 degrees even in the day, which was just now, the sky was overcast and it actually rained a heavy drizzle. Packed with chilling winds that make everything worse.
'
Thats all for the updates, i can't bear to put my mind thru anymore stress rigth after a mind and body numbing 4 hr watch.