Dug Deep...

Ok... Hi readers...
Sounds pretty damn boring right?
Right.
Coz i'm still suffering from the detri"mental" effects of the "block" test.
I'm like a living blockhead of sorts.
Nthn witty today.
Not that i ever was really THAT witty
Bitchy rather.
Or so some people think.
Or most rather.
Not that i want to be associated that way.
Not that i want to be associated as flamboyantly gay.
Especially after i've been casted THAT role.
I don't want to.
But mannerisms are simply not a thing to change overnight.
In cliche terms. Rome was not built overnight.
I guess it was the way i got along with my friends.
Cat High friends.
Influence,
So immaterial
Yet so compelling.
Then again.
My character plays a part.
I can't help a need for flaunting.
But then i'm very self-consious.
I dont know how these 2 could ever co-exist.
But they do in an enigma like me.

---------

I don't feel like writin.
Not now.

Woot!
I made a new discovery!
I didnt know there was an arcade in Jubilee!
Woot!
Havent danced para para for ages.
Man, i'm startin to suck.
But now at least i know where to go.
LOL.

Ah...

Oops.
I've been lazy.
I admit.
Well...
Since I've juz read Geri's blog
So maybe i'll give my opinions
As i lead such a boring life that there's nothing to talk about.
For the concerned public.
My Godma's stable now...
Although she's still under observation
And needs to undergo the knife
But i'm sure everything will work out well
=)

So... Geri...
I met him in NYJC last year.
During the 2nd intake batch.
Didnt really get to know him until we were separated into our classes
O4A2.
For me A2 was a stark contrast to the cold and buaya class i had in CJC
Most would know as i make alot of noise about those horrid ppl.
So i found new hope here
i suppose.
Ya know, since we are all new.
Its natural to try to find similar allies.
And my very first associations were with Terry, Jerry and Emil
That association fast became friendship.
A fellowship named ridiculously as "The Koppies"
More preferably known as "The Aerries"
It wasn't surprising, for much of the year.
The class stuck by its many cliques.
I suppose me and a few others managed to break this barrier
And built many inter-clique friendships.
Especially during PW.
Torturous as PW was
It brought the class together of some sorts
HATING it as a class.
Ppl always bond like that.
Isn't it?
Well, i'm glad i got the chance to know Geri better.
As a friend, during OCIP China.
Though we shared different bunks.
We relied on each other quite alot
Or rather, me on him
As I was quite alien to all the new faces
They were ALL from the science faculty!
More or less we bonded.
To some sense
In that less inhibited world of 17 days.
I saw a side of him that i never saw.
Its hard to say.
Contrary to what we ALL see
An airhead.
A racist.
A Hokkien Beng
A big mouthed gossiper
I somehow thought i saw a little bit of his inner world.
His unshared space.
A voice within that actually is deep in thought
Or rather dormancy.
But that light within is flaring, alive, vibrant.
One little evidence is his sharing in Lit Drama Othello classes.
Its sometimes astounding to know that Geri is a deep thinker.
Its not.
Its just a little voice hidden, too shy to speak up.
One thats dwarfed by that Hokkien Beng ego.
Somehow i found a whole new Jerry.
One that ponders on issues.
One that is burdened by hidden burdens
One side unknown.

Just a little something for Jerry.
As a peer counsellor
Sharing problems won't appear whiny.
You don't have to stand up to the world alone.
Take support in friends.
Keeping it within is never good.
Its what brothers are for ya?

Life....

I'm not sure what to think.
My youthful sense of invincibility has again been shattered.
Once again i felt the true frailty of Life.
The flame.
No matter how vibrant.
Is vulnerable.
Is limited.
Is subject to forces beyond our ken.
Such is the fire of life.
It makes me think...
As if life for everyone is nothing but,
A mere candle.
Burning vivaciously towards our own demise.
Life's sad sometimes if seen that way.
But that's Life for you.

Such are the revelations that hit me.
When i saw my very own Godma on the hospital bed.
Weak. Fragile.
Hardly the hale and hearty woman that i am used to.
In her, i saw the pyres of vitality in her eyes.
So motherly.
Much of her life she dedicated to her children.
Her foster children (Me n Sis)
Her grandchildren (My 2 little angelic nephews)
Yet, she took pride in it.
She loved them all without discrimination.
Sometimes i feel more for her than my own mother...
She took care of me since i was 2
Till i was ready to take care of myself and had a maid.
She was with me when i grew up.
She made up my very first memories.
Memories of a warm bed.
Memories of a warm meal
And memories of a warm hug.
Even when i left her care
We visited regularly.
And i would be welcomed without hesistation.
Showered with hospitality.
It was like an uninhibited 2nd haven.
Even after we moved 7 years ago.
Things remained unchanged.
I would feel guilty about not visiting sometimes.
Then i would tell myself i could always do so the next week.
But still we were close.
I had often wondered how i would go on w/o her.
I never reached a satisfactory answer myself.

Until i saw her on the bed today.
I saw only a brief shadow of her past self.
I was crushed within.
My young nephews could not lift my burdened spirits.
I did all i could to alleviate her pain.
I wanted to chat.
So much.
But....
My knotted chest allowed nothing.
She had pancreatic inflammation
Or so i heard.
Thought it wasn't really serious.
Felt something was wrong when she wasn't in a common ward.
Found out she was in the ICU last week.
Found out she already has diabetes for 2 years.
She did not tell us...
ANY of us...
She just went on caring for us.
I suddenly felt very dwarfed by the magnanimity of her love.
I'm not sure if its critical.
But it's serious.
I sincerely hope she would pull through...
She has us to live for....
I wish she would find in her the willpower and motivation to live...

When i left
I held her hands
They were hard, dry and coarse.
All the more
I was heartbroken...
Tears fell forth from my face.