Without You.

I should have known.
I should have known a long time ago.
But I know you.
I think I do.
I hope I do.

Hot and Cold.
Test me no further.

I'll look past that.
I'll wait for the time to come.
When I can wake up next and see your face.
Once more.

With you.

Beside me.
It's almost as if
Nothing can get me down.

Can we just stay like this
For just a little longer?

Because
Waking up to see your face
Was the best thing ever.

I am still here.

I'm still the boy you knew.
Still the boy you knew...

Amidst all the joy and laughter.

I walk alone.

How do i do it?

How can I show you that I still care.
Without seeming patronising, or desperate.
How can I show you that there's just so much more to say.
Without having my intentions misread.
How can I let you know the truth in my heart.
Without you doubting me still.
How can I express all that and more.
With mere words alone?

It is now when I know not what to say anymore.
Reason crushes me.
Logic defeats me.
Reality mocks me.
My truth lies merely in my imagination.
Too far flung for you to see.
Though I would still hope that you will.
One day.

The City Slumbers.

But I won't.
Not for the nights.
Most of all tonight.

V-Day.

There is simply a sense of emptiness that follows with me this very day. But then again why am i not surprised at all. It has been like that since I started to fall in love. I have been falling ever since, never once soaring to the heights promised. So why am i not surprised.

I guess I'm past whining about being alone again, it's become kinda numb for me even to feel anything at this time. I am happy for the couples that have come together, witnessing the union of numerous others are sort of like a bittersweet thing for me. For all I have seen all my years, this is the one thing that has been eluding me all this while. Despite my beliefs that falling everytime would only lead me to stand up to greater heights... Yes, I've been standing taller, learning many bitter lessons, but I'm impatient - why am i nowhere nearly there yet?

It is a truly frustrating thought sometimes.

I feel like an ant being placed in a maze of doors, one such maze that spans an incomprehensible space. Filled with doors at every turn and corner. Doors that open to dizzying drops, doors that refuse to open, doors into torture chambers, doors leading to insidious traps, doors that never lead to bliss. Where might that single door be, in this dizzying space of a maze of corridors?

Believe me when I thought I found it, only to close it upon myself because of my painful skepticism of other doors - might this be a trap. I want to open it again, only to find it bolted. I don't really care anymore, because even if it were merely a beautiful illusion, it's one that I would wanna lose myself into even if for that short period of time...

Please spare me. I have been begging and banging at that door for so long my knuckles bleed, but the blood at my feet is not from my hands, but from somewhere deeper down. Please open up, even if to give me a sliver of light upon my face.

I don't want to face the dark rooms no more.

Words just fail me now.

The Night Full of Stars.

I doubt myself sometimes. Really. As much as I have the strength of will, to do achieve what I want, I’m not sure if I have the perseverance to hold through it till the end. I am so jaded, so disjointed and so dislocated with this whole sense of reality. I wonder if I can find a space of my own without being invaded by alien thoughts all the time.

Perhaps you were right. Yet maybe you were wrong. But alas! Who can really tell for sure, whatever it is that drives a certain individual? What is it that drives me? I often wonder if my I can justify my means with the ends I achieve…

I find the very bedrock of my self shaken. There is a thin line between arrogant ignorance and believing in myself. What is it that I really want? I have been asking myself that question for so long. But the answers that I give myself are ever changing. I know not what I want. I really don’t. Where then is my direction? Where do I go from here? I don’t really know.

As I lay on the bed, staring out into space. I wish I were out at sea. Where the waves would calm me. Staring at the blanket of stars, sparkling tears in the sky at the sadness of this world. I wonder if I could find some solace in the kindred spirits that are the stars. I wish I could escape to the nothingness that is the ocean, miles and miles of open ocean, stars stretching never end. A place where time holds little meaning, where I can ponder again once more.

The Age of Enlightenment.

I see my past self in the mistakes of others and I'm ashamed of how far I've fallen, countless excuses I have conjured up for myself. A whole new perspective really...

Yes, eyes are forward looking, we are engineered that way. All we see in the mirror is always what we want to see, because it is merely a reflection which we scrutinise and change that we do not agree with.

The eyes are hardly inward looking, we care too much about how we perceive other people perceiving us to really take that introspective inspection upon ourselves. I suppose that is the flame of life, burning in us the need for alacrity (but not clarity) with which to treasure time and live for the moment, indulge in the very spontaneity of the moment. Yet, oftentimes I succumb to my whims and fancies, my very emotional mood swings. Never once did I pause to see where I could have gone wrong.

No, the world does not revolve around me, no amount of whining, complaining and bitching is gonna get me anything more than attention seeking sycophants or that 'get a life!' sneer. In truth, yes, I do need to get a life, because I've been living a lie conjured up by my silly head. No, everything is NOT going to be fine if I just sit here and cry. Pain is weakness leaving the body. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

There is the initial masked self, and then there's the staged self, before we finally descend upon the true self.

We mask ourselves yes, to perform to socially acceptable standards. To conform more like, twisting something that is natural into something stilted. Why? To fade into mediocrity? Or afraid of persecution - people fear that which they do not understand, and thus they excise it. Homophobia, racism, xenophobia, gender discrimination. They cruelly categorise and label as such, like uniform inferior products in a factory line, nothing more. We are not mere goods for sale, we are humans. With every right to live and love as anyone else.

Stigma, how far can one run away from that, today? I stage myself to hide. I hide my true self less to those I know.

No, it's no longer about the me, myself and I. Wondering 'why me', 'why doesn't anybody understand me', that I hope is a thing of the past for me. And after all this while, I think I finally know why.

Out of that pit of self-pity.
Out.
NOW.

Some day I might find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, we'll go on living separate lives
Yes for now, we'll go on living separate lives
Separate lives

Peculiar Chris.

I want to say Yes. But I cannot generalise. How much do I really know.. of my friends, people I trust, people I know, and ultimately myself. I feel naked, about how little I actually know. What does it take, to really open up?

I suppose, everyone has their own innate defensive mechanism, to deal with hurt, to deal with pain, to deal with tragedy. Do you try to rationalise it, without the terms of pain? Do you ignore it? Or stand as a firmament against its wrath? Or would you simply take it all for what it's worth, and come to terms with it?

What does it take for one person to drop their most basic defense mechanism, and to commune with another? A martyrdom of the soul, and put it all up to the stake. And be rewarded beyond measure? What does it feel to have those aged walls finally come crumbling down... A breath of fresh air?

What would you do, confronted with grim reality..? But then again, what is it that you are living for?

For life and happiness.

Thank you. Johann S. Lee

the awakening.

I wonder why I still refuse to open my eyes to see.

Will I ever wake up one morning and not remember a single shred of this pain.

Can I truly say I'm happy because it happened instead of agonising over the end?

Fallin' Out.

Candles.

Can I pull myself from the quagmire? Saying that I'll be waiting.

While all I see is your shadow pulling away...

Slowly fallin... slowly fallin...

do i wait? do i hold it? do i lock it away? can i put it away? what of me now?

Dance in the dark.

The merest thought of you.
Listening to the same music I'm listening to right this moment now.
Doing exactly what I'm doing right now.
Everything in tandem (except thinking of me)
When I close my eyes.
It's as if you were just right here next to me.
And I right there next to you (does it ever feel like this to you)

We are together again (but no)
The light shatters your vague form (do you close your eyes ever so briefly)
The light shatters your world around me(and see me in the dark)
And I'm alone again (i cry out)

I just wanna...
Dance in the dark (for a little while longer...)

It has been so long.

The holidays have been a quiet one. As much as I'd like to say somethings, they seem to escape me every time I'm here. Yes, so many things have changed. And school's gonna be starting in a few hours time. I guess I haven't much time for thinking too deeply. Although the worrying is always there, the nagging feeling that keeps me chained to reality, the necessity to survive. As much as I hate it, I suppose it's good.

And I walk alone this new year. In this world of strangers and friends, of acquaintances and gnats abound, of the cacophony, of the sighs and the screams. Silence is abound. White noise. Black silence. It all fades into black and white, bland and colourless.

For without you, I am nothing.

New beginnings? I'm too stubborn and blind for that. I'd wait my chance. Impatient gnat that I am.

Chilling.

One more.
One more that has been chosen to leave.
Earlier than we would have.

So much that I would question.
So much that I do not understand.
So much that I wish I could comprehend.

Yet the enormity of it all escapes me.
Yet what should I care at all.
For all the reasons that things occur anyway.

Perhaps we were never in any place to comprehend the why behind all things.
Perhaps it is only in our capacity to experience the real and the now.
Just as it is everyone's prerogative to be happy.

Think not.
Live life.

The Night.

The Night it falls deeper and with it my very heart.
I may have said it were over.
I may have seen for that moment of clarity.

But I know not what plagues me now.
Fallen prey to my darker natures again?
That this cold mirthless smile belies a soul in agony.
Screaming against it all.
What is it that I really desire?

I know not.
I know nothing.
That is a scary thought.

Delusions of grandeur.

So pride has become the fall of me.
Creepy thing that it is,
You never know you are taken
Until it has sunk its proverbial claws into you.
And you desperately craft illusions to dispel the fear

That fear never really disappears.
It merely sinks deeper
Twisting you apart.

My Sister's Keeper

I loved the movie.
Hence I shall not attempt to write an essay extolling it's virtues.
Which sister is whose keeper then.
Love and it's myriad forms.
I cried buckets for sure.
I'm like that.
Above all I'm reminded of so many sweet things
Of you.

When the sky is dark velvet

My mind is pure clarity.
Oh how i laugh...

enfin.

I know not who to go to.
There are no words for this.
I have not felt such pain.
It is the first.
Nor will it be the last
Or the most hurtful.
But it hurts enough.
Hopefully I would pine for you.
No more.
No more.

I wonder how hard hearted can you get...
Wait. You didn't have to be...
For I no longer mean anything...
After all that...
Nothing at all...
No more.
No more.