what is this?

it's a cold sunday morning onboard the ship at 1 am. i'm in the training room where all the vsat facilities are, bathed in the warm glow of the lights, alone in the corner, blogging. there are 2 other people on the phone, happy in their own little conversations, their own world, we ignore each other. i hear footsteps and happy-racous beer-drunk voices, someone invites me to a drinking bout, i politely but firmly rejected it. i ensconce myself away, for awhile at least i try. privacy and solitude are such rare commodities here.

it's around 6 in singapore where it's still shrouded in darkness and everyone's snug asleep on the weekend, glad to be away from work. and i'm so alone. as such i wish there were someone to talk to, anyone. but no one's awake.

i'm so sick, so tired, so irritated. i just happened to lose my camera in Doha, in some cab. so easily replaceable with some money. why do i care? not replaceable are everything else that i beheld with mine own eyes. those are the precious things, all those things i took are part of my memories, losing it is like having amnesia, for the pictures taken from someone else are not taken from mine eyes. they are not mine. i might as well take them off the net.

so many things have happened, my phone died on the first day, i have to keep contending with some people i can't avoid, people who are out to make life difficult for me, people whose minds have no rein over their mouths, mouths that spit poison but pretend it to be playful banter, words that deliver stinging slaps not in the name of playful verbal sparring, out to hurt whether of ignorance or sheer viciousness i know not, also there are people that are insensitive, doing things to inconvenience the whole lot, people who use their rank and position to the fullest in the most condescending manner possible, people who are arrogant that i happen to share the mess with. and i had to lose the most tangible form of memories to ignorance on my part due to fatigue, who can i blame but myself?

i really really wonder if i can contend with this any further.

and i am helpless to do anything but hide away.

i wonder if i might implode.

i wonder what else i might lose?