O.R.D

I never thought I would see this day coming. I mean I got so used to seeing people leave. I never thought I would leave myself. It's almost surreal when I took back my Pink I/C. Remembering the day i relinquished it on that scrubby island in that scrubby Ulysses Coy for the GreenCard. And so the story that began on that little island ended in Changi Naval Base not too far south...

It was just 2 years ago when i had relinquished my I/C on tekong in that auditorium unknowingly. All the feelings that accompanied me when i first set foot on that island, i felt i could collapse from over-feeling. Of course, this whole new life isn't something one gets acquainted to overnight, i meant all the incessant, nonsensical shouting of course. I couldn't fathom how a human with intelligence could stoop so low, suffice to say what's being done acheives its objectives in a crude manner. SO, i did make friends in BMT, one has to, to survive. I could remember the myriad types of people we have, even though it was a JC platoon.

We had the slackers. The Bastards. The clueless. The only-PHD-beng. The aristocrats. The silent ones. The gossipy ones. The one-who-can't-sing-for-nuts. The chao-geng kia. The cheena-types and so many more... Of course there were some nice moments and those downright dirty ones when people quarreled or played stupid political games behind the scenes (being a JC platoon, nothing was too blatant).

Most of us survived through BMT, meaning 24km route march, battle inoculation, and 7 day field camp. Somehow we made it, nothing beats the POP parade for us even though it was rainin and all on the ominous day of 060606, we felt proud as we passed-out of the accursed (aka haunted) island.

A few days later, i received posting orders as a Naval Combat Systems Operator @ RSS Panglima, Changi Naval Base. Thinking that a whole new world other than the crappy army has been opened up, i was rather pleased. Yet, somehow i was cheated being told that there weren't enough vacancies and was reposted to another unit, something called 'Sea Soldiers' silly if u ask me. Thinkin that i was gonna be doing army stuff again filled me with gloom.

Before that however, i went through a 3 mth training course, a rather shiong one if i may say, because i managed to get almost a silver (due to my lousy SBJ) from a fail. Finally, i got posted to Changi Defence Squadron, Sea Defence Team 1, aka SEDET 1, a truly unforgettable platoon. We kinda stuck through everything together except for a one or two bad eggs, and fyi bad eggs don't thrive very well in Sedet 1, it wasn't a place for dirty backstabbing, it's was confrontation, suffice to say that solves most problems. We had fun of course, we were a rather tight knit somewhat 'elitist' bunch among the other sedets riddled with problems, conflicts and whatnot, we were just a happy-go-lucky bunch. Which was all very good for 6 mths.

I had a stupid accident, all because i was over-enthusiastic over a sepak tekraw game where i broke and dislocated my left arm. I was MIA for about 3 months. In the process of which i also became the butt of jokes for my arm, i had a metal piece to join my broken bones so, go figure. When i came back at long last. Things were not what they were, CDS was on the verge of a monumental reshuffle, in the midst of dirty politicking, silly feuds and standing up for what we deserved, SEDET 1 was a victim and was no more broken and split and melted into the other 2 platoons. It was a period of adjustment and depression, even though we were all still in the same unit, i still missed them, being absorbed into the other platoons meant that we were 2nd class citizens. Things went on for awhile and we grew numb.

Now, that i have somewhat assimilated myself into the new platoon, replete with underground dealings, dirty backstabbing, ugly politicking, snide remarks and jokes. I got sick of it. I settled myself down with people i trust at my station where i was the I/C and made my stand. That made life bearable even with the disgusting 7 day duty cycle implemented. I recreated what i could of my previous platoon and survived.

Being in the navy has opened my eyes to the world, i've done crazy things that i actaully enjoy, seen foreign navies the world over, gone onboard an american aircraft carrier, taken numerous J-turns, and actually did an activation even though i wasn't qualified. What matters most - poignant memories.

Now... i'm just waiting while i reminisce.

My blog is so underused.

I just realised i've been posting alot less than i should. Making use of this space for its intended purposes, to share, to laugh or to simply vent. I have been feeling alot lately. Then again i always do, during 7D especially when theres nothing else to do except duty, sleep and watch tv. Pretty much a monotonous duty cycle every other week. Now that the realisation that i'm going to ORD is looming around the corner, i wonder what i really should be feeling? Elation? Anxiety? Or anticipation on what's to come?

At this point of time i realised that i've again drawing close to the conclusion of this chapter in my life. And i wonder if i have actually made the most of this time. Or rather am i ready to dot the full-stop to this story? So many things have happened, its bittersweet recalling those poignant moments. I was just talkin to a few of my platoon mates yesterday, just sharing and reminiscing the times, laughing and lamenting the changes these 2 years have wrought. That brought tears brimming.

The realisation that i'm again taken away from a place so familiar, so memorable shakes me to the core of my being. Half of me can't wait to leave, the other half refuses to budge a milimeter. I am unsure where my path in life will lead, i am afraid to take that step. All the friendship, the laughter, the suffering, everything that makes us human, diminished, as i am thrust out into cold reality.

It's so tiring having to construct these walls to protect yourself again, after leaving yourself to the trust of familiar people.

Somehow, i'm not complaining after last week's duty, because i understand these people as friends.

AnnYeonHaseyo from Korea!

Well looks like I haven't been around for sometime. Owing to bad temper due to sickening duty schedules that took away my Christmas, and is going to take away my Chinese New Year too. Simply cannot wait to be free of this bondage. I'm not sayin that its bad or anything, its just that the duty cycle is somewhat demanding, burning holidays along with it just isnt helping.

But on a lighter note, I did have some fun in the 8 days Korea trip (which i better have because its all expenses paid by me!) We (as in me and 5 friends) visited loads of places, did tons of sightseeing and of course being total cam-whores. HA. Chief of those sightseeing locations were notably Jeju Island, home of many natural wonders, also our first very exciting contact with snow, ice, wadever. Which degraded our intellect to that of 10 year olds, playing around like fools. We visited an extinct volcano overlooking the sea, rushing up to the summit to take in the breathaking view of the vegetated caldera and the open ocean where stray sunrays blazed through the thin cloud cover. (I'll try to post the pictures online.) Dropped by the teddy bear museum where everything possible is 'bearified'.

Of course, the food was wonderous. BBQ pork, beef, chicken. Bibimbap. Seaweed. Ginseng Chicken and all. Visited Everland and Lotte World amusement parks. Took the craziest rides of my life. Aka the Gyro Drop and the Gyro Swing. Gosh. I couldnt even scream in time. Those are things you only take once. And i mean ONCE.

I seem to realise that the Koreans have wonderful skin and perfect eyesight, other than the fact that they have small eyes, but wow perfect skin! You could say its the Face Shop that they have, maybe its their healthy foodie culture, or perhaps its the ginseng overdose they have. I don't know but they have skin to die for, if you are looking for a skin graft, appeal for Korean Skin.

I also noticed that they are very environmentally friendly at heart. They try their best to limit the damage tourists do to natural attractions, so that even fragile environments like corals are maintained well (that was in our submarine ride underwater.) They use metal utensils and chopsticks. They charge for every bag you use when you buy stuff, and offer boxing services with large purchases where you can stuff your stuff into used cartons. Very interesting culture.

Did you know that their history is so wrought with war and more war that their greeting 'AnnYeonHaseyo' literally means 'How are you faring?' (Did your husband die in war? Was your wife taken focibly? Are your children well?) It's now used as a blanket greeting for Good morning, afternoon, evening and farewells.

Now if you would leave me to do my photo collating. Check out facebook for more photos =)

Control Freak.

"Why did you let people home like that?"
"Why did you only have instant noodles for lunch?"
"Why did you not tell me?"

God. Why this? Why that. Why everything. And it is revolting that she knows everything. EVERYTHING. sickening. because i never said anything. silence.

It's about time.

About time after such a long hiatus that i regain some semblance of my life. Rein in that 'fuck-care' attitude, instead of letting everything flow through my open hands like water. It was completely mind-numbing, I was wallowing in emptiness.

I felt horrible at missing Eugene's birthday, so lost to the world that I couldnt even manage a 'Happy Birthday Sms' felt like an ass after that. Sent a half hearted one later. I didn't feel like a close friend at all. What was wrong with me? Am i so cut off i don't even bother? Or do i resolve to push blame aside.?

I was living on edge (literally at the edge of Singapore), everything was so disconnected to me that i snap back to reality in vague trances. Oblivious to all. Running away from my fears, yet i cannot escape the nightmares that haunt me so. Such rare times of serenity - stolen from me. Ghastly portents glimpsed from a macabre angle.

This is such a farce of a life.

Reconnect. Aaron.

An Insight.

It is just sad how some people forget so easily.
I guess i cannot blame if people have moved on.
It is just sad how things change sometimes.
And being victims of such change, can be rather bitter.

Stopping myself and having a good look around.
Stopping myself and remembering.
I wish i was back with the Edward Becheras Choir, singing my heart out again.
I wish i was back performing my all with the NYDC.
I wish i was back in school with my friends again.
I wish i was back with my BMT friends.
I wish that SEDET 1 was back together again.

And i wish we had the good old days again.

Awash.

Every single person is a polar entity, at least in the emotional sense. Where one is shown the other is hidden, unknown to anyone, sometimes not even to oneself. Very much like Mother Theresa who often spoke of utter spiritual darkness in her solitary letters.

How do i begin? I dont even know. All the thoughts awash in some maelstorm.

'What are you doing? Why have you sealed yourself away?'
i said nothing
'Why are you doing this? You don't even talk at all. Not even during mealtimes.'
i am not saying anything
'The more you do this, the more worried i get.'
I can take care of myself, there's no need to get worried.
'I am worried because you don't even tell me anything.'
That's because you ask too much
'Precisely because i care'
I remain silent
'You don't realise how worried and anxious i am?'
Can you stop probing?
And give me some privacy?

And the debate goes on... I'm not even listening anymore.
Oh if she would stop asking and leave me be.
She doesn't have to know everything.
She isn't leading my life.
Surely she realises i must have some modicum of privacy.

There are just so many things that cannot be said.
Ignorance is bliss no?
Then maybe without the stress of opening up.
My walls would slowly melt away.

And then i realise, such a rift may last forever. She being who she is, duty-bound to give, and never receive. It pains me as much as it pains her. We are all doing what we do to keep us from harm, and all the good that has done is conjure a wall of silence, with muffled pleas at the other end which i try to ignore, and yet still reverberate with such bitter sentiments in me.

It's inexplicable.
Because she's my mother.

I hate it.

I wish i had the miraculous gift to express myself clearly through my words. Everything's like flying in and out of my head like some giant info interchange, but nothing stays, and i'm grasping at random thoughts, when strung together, sound like absolute incoherent gibberish. In the end, i look stoopid.

How do i spend my time?

Inside of Me

I don't understand. Life can get so complicated, such a delicate thing to manuvre through. A misstep can mean disaster. My thoughts are going completely wild now. There seems to always be a mountain of things to accomplish, and when it weighs down on me that i may never finish them, the crushing sense of failure is overwhelming. No. I'm not just talkin about worklife, of the limitless workload. But of everything else, friends i have not met in ages, seeking to relive the old days while my schedule is vehemently against it. And i sit helplessly waitin for the memories to go stale. When time has washed away everything, all we will be are mere acquaintances.

Had the feeling of making a to-do list?
-Gonna meet friends from a long time ago
-Find some personal time
-Slow down and find connect with someone
-Follow a fitness regime

Yet that to do list often fades away into nothingness.
Then all i have is a sense of here and now.
Only a sense of presence with no sense of direction.

Desire so strong it consumes me inside out. Because i know ultimately the desires for everything are nothing but empty wants. And i am left a husk.

Overwhelmed by a society so fake i just wanna hide away and find some truth.
Maternal love that could stifle and suffocate me, yes i want to hide away.
Yet so alone in this abyss, i want some company.
A living dichotomy.
Would you listen? Open your heart to listen?

All too soon.

I've lived my life leaving alot of things unsaid.
Which is part of the reason why this blog is up.
A voice of my inner thoughts.
That i do not elucidate.

All too many times i kept quiet when i ought to speak.
And speak only superficially when advice is needed.
Say foolish things when i ought to be silent.

Fiddling around with nothing to do at the wake.
Because of my childishly myopic sister.
And because the day was coming to an end.
People were leaving, few were left.
Not knowing i drifted to my grandma's side.

And i was just thinkin.
All the Christian services goin on for 3 days.
I hadn't really paid much heed.
Nor were there much tears.
I suppose the realisation hasn't really come yet.
Somehow assured by her physical presence in the room.
As if she were here with us.

And i hear the pastor say...
Even though she isn't here with us this day, talking with us, doing with us the things she usually does, we can rest assured she has returned to her heavenly home with God.
And i think...
She's still around isn't she.
She isn't gone.
Funny how we shallow people focus so much on the material.

And i was just looking at her not long ago.
Thinkin...
She's gonna be gone tomorrow.
Cremated to ashes.
And all i have are memories.
Then when she is wrenched away.

...

Orbiturary.

In loving memory of my grandmother who passed into the next world on this very day at 0710H at Singapore General Hospital

May she find solace in heaven.

And sanctuary in God's love.

She will be fondly remembered.

Spectrum Tower

Or the RHIBS station as it is now known as.
Was a place of many memories.
With much joy and much sadness they leave.
An accursed place, yet filled with the warmth of many friends.

Seems like we were all back to ye ol'days yesterday.
Somewhat an old gathering of sorts.
A last visit by 2 ORD personnel at the station.
Reliving the times with us all.
We chatted, we reminisced, we remembered.
And hopefully that would all remain.

"Flames to dust Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?"

Much as there was joy there.
There was an undercurrent of loss.
We were all wishing for time to freeze.
That sunset would never come.
And people would never leave.

It was a simple parting.
A silent one.
A heavily worded 'Bye'
And a poignant moment when they walked...
Down the long wharf.
Eyes never leaving waiting for them to turn and wave again.
Till they were lost in sight.

Silence.
A moment to return to our time with them.
A moment to get over it.

Sunset.
Piped down.
A velvety darkness swept across the last blazing fires.
A blanket of stars dotted the nightsky.
Like tears sparkling.

Out in the ocean.
On a little dinghy.
I got lost in the blanket of stars.
Nothing else but pinpricks of lights across my eyes.

A brief streak of brillaint shimmering blue caught my eye.
Burning into nothingness in the space of a moment.
And i made a wish that would never come true.

I am just not up to it.

Just got back to camp recently.
Everything feels so alien now.
Regarded with questioning looks from unknown people.
News of all the things to happen hanging on my shoulders.
The stress of dealing with it all.
The pain and sadness of dealing with separation.

Most of my seniors have alr ORDed by the time im back.
Back in time to have another dinner gathering with my PS.
Back in time to witness the last moments of the sedet.
Before the team gets split into the other 2 plts.
The implementation of the 7Duty system.

It was said to be a dialogue.
Turns out more to be a directive briefing on the 7D system.

Just came to realise i missed out so much these past months.
You could say i'm lucky that i was on MC for so long.
Though i'd much rather have spent more time together.
The realisation of the loss came rather abruptly.

Everyone's left.
What's remaining - Split.
And me, relegated to a lonely station.
With people i don't know.
Or know only too well negatively speaking.
Very much alone.
Without hp reception underground.
I was just left hanging.

The place i've only just come to know.
I can't wait to get out.
The road that lies ahead?
I know not what.
I'm no callous person that can chuck all this out of mind.
It would be some time before i find my place again.

Home? Refuge? Cage?

Home is sanctuary for the weary traveller.
Home is a cage for the restless adventurer.
This home keeps harm out.
This home reins freedom in.

I'm so tired of this.
Perhaps im being selfish.
Yet, dont we all wish to selfish, insolent, wilful.
Most importantly free at this age.
This golden prime?
All too well to go to waste playing the sitting duck.
Whiling the time away.
When can i be let free?
To do what i want?
To face what i need to face.
To emerge from this protective shell?
To take some responsibility.
To face the music.

Oh please. Let me be.

Such fine practiced liars. All.

Don't ask me why.
You know I know.
That its a daily, constant ritual that we lie to ourselves.
Such as this society demands now.
Day after day.
Month after month.
Year after year.
Secrets. Pain.
And all those that can only be kept to oneself.
Not publicised.

One moment, we relive our pain. Memories and reminisce.
Snap.
We are back to 'reality' where such saddening things have no place.
And invite nothing but scorn and disdain.
Perhaps ignorance is preferred over outright dislike.
But who knows what brews behind peoples' appearances.
I cannot decide which being the lesser 'evil'.

Perhaps that's the price of life and of happiness.
Whats joy with no pain?
Perhaps we have to drag along this baggage to feel somewhat alive.
In this ever numbing world.
Perhaps, its not so bad after all.

What is it that im lookin for?

Damn. What is this void within that aches to be filled? So empty and hollowed out. For all my wit and intelligence that is all but eroded away by time and monotony. I still cry out. I can't wait to rip this straitjacket off me. I am screaming my lungs out. My mind is dead, gone is that verbose flair, gone is that vitality that lights within. I am a husk of my previous self. Why does it have to be this way? Akin to being lashed to the mast on a ship in the primal fury of the worst storm. Lashed by needles of rain, chilled by the wind that cuts to the bone. Why? Damn.

One-armed jack.

it's been a long time since i was last here to indulge in catharsis. silly me broke me arm 2 days ago in camp, playin (or tryin to play) sepak tekraw no less... yeah it seems like an act of ultimate stupidity, some say ultimate blondeness, it maybe a joke gone wrong, and im havin people laughin like clowns no doubt. i didn't want this and i don't need your sarcasm into my mix of misery. infirm, useless and helpless. i thank all who visited me and those who sent their warmest regards. to hell with those who took it as a comical act gone wrong.

i know CDS is now havin low strength difficulties and i'm sorry to add on to it, we all hate gettin activated, my apologies... as to my plt, i'll be missin them dearly, won't be able to see ssc7 guys for long. damn this. sigh. missin out on so much...

I am lost.

Home is no refuge.
Home is alien to me.
Everything is, except my little breached sanctuary.

I am afraid.
I don't want to be entrapped.
I want my silence.
I want to be free.

Powerless

Something so basic that we've all taken for granted.

O... Dismount lo....

Okay, it was not exactly joy but at least we got off duty. After numerous boring rehearsals with SWO, the Change of Command Ceremony was came to a close with a farewell last salute to our former Commanding Officer, with thunderous applause to welcome the new one.

Off to the spec mess.

In rather high spirits that got even higher with the inclusion of duty-free beer from the mess, which tasted cheap but nonetheless fired the blood. We had racous fun with food, picture match and several drinking bouts from Denis, Jeff and the new 2lts. I was rather surprised i downed a mug myself. Ended the day with rather inexcusably blonde moments from me (dropping a plate of food)... More drinking and a hellride from RuiLong.

Homebound.

All the plans for WOW, some rest at home came to a abrupt halt as I opened my door to pitch darkness... Has the power perhaps tripped? Easily fixed with a flick of a switch. Flick up... Flick down... A simple enquiry to my Mum confirmed all that i dreaded.

Oh... So thats how... It needed no more from me than my indifference and utter resignation.

Perhaps i should stop thinking about the impossible.
Some things never change.

It's been awhile and its the new year.

It's been a long time since i was last here.
I've been so preoccupied with everything else.
I've forgotten to spare time for myself.
Now, back after a year, of many changes,
A pensive time.
Yet, i fear i've lost myself.
It's a year where i've been obsessed with everything.
So much so i;ve lost focus.
Like a wanderer, brief sojourns here and there.
Like the current incoherence of my broken thoughts.
About time i should be pickin up the pieces of my life this coming year.
I'm greeting it with mind numbing indifference.
As if the transition into the new year is no more than the coming of a new day or the passing of an hour, flight of minutes and the ticking of seconds.
All away into eternity.
Where was the time where i was unfettered by all these mundane problems.
Where was the time where i need not fret over everything.
So much that i want i can only wish for.
So much jealousy and poison brewing within, like a miasma.
A disease, crippling me.
If there a way where i can cast away such darkness.
When can i drop my petty little desires, my superficial cravings.
And look a little deeper, delve closer to the warmth of human contact.
Once again?