I have to make a resolution with myself.

I have been hiding from the truth all along. So pathetically lying to myself about the reality of things. Wallowing in the pit of self pity. Attention seeker. Making my issues everyone else's problem. And just not doing anything to deal with it. Waiting for someone to pick me up. To give myself the illusion that someone actually gives a damn. So weak. So weak. Yes, i'm a self centered little bitch. No the world does not revolve around me. I refused to pick myself up. To open my eyes to see the truth. To acknowledge certain things. I am disgusted with myself. That's why i need to change. I can't have that elevated image of myself. I can't run. I have to deal with it.

The Medal.

It's been awhile. Yes i suppose i'm proud of the medal. After all not many nsfs can say they have one. Albeit some may say it's just a medal, and they just want to get on with their two years and get out, some even resort to anything to escape the inevitable. Yeah, we all chao geng time to time when things get a little over the top. But...

I'm not ashamed to say that i rather enjoyed my 2 years and 9 months in the service, yes there was alot of shit flying around, things i didn't like, people i didn't like, management i didn't like. But life doesn't always agree with you. What some people doesn't realise is that life does not revolve around them, yet they try ways and means to twist everything to their will. Whether they achieve their goals or not, they are the ultimate losers.

This deployment took the most out of me, but it also made the most out of me. It's been awhile since the crew disembarked from the ship at mission's end each walking their own way. But today it was great having everyone back again, familiar faces i used to see all around the ship. Every face has a memory. Each face brings a flash of memory.

Did i deserve this?

Hurt.

Rainy days.

Maybe its the weather. It's so damp and dreary and I can't seem to find that snugness i so often find in my bed in this weather in the past. There's this restlessness i can't quite quell. I can't put my finger to it. Not quite, no. I hate this jobless limbo. Because of it i can't enjoy my time, spendin my money. It's like a leash on my neck. I just want to get out and do something, not wastin my time away at home. Feelin so useless.

Ah another dear friend of mine is leaving again, its barely 2 months since we first met. But fate is as cruel as it is generous. Or perhaps simply above petty human emotions, weaving its intricacies into our lives. Perhaps life is just a grand game of chess, you'll never know, but i digress.

So... where do i go from here? In life and in love.

Changeling.

Just caught Marley and Me on thursday. Yes, its the story of the dog. Actually I saw it more as a story of life. The lives of very ordinary people, with hopes and fears just like we do. I connected with it. Changes come from every direction, some by choice, others unexpected, of course not all favourable. Some of these changes may strike you so quickly in life, that you are just left shell-shocked and numb. But what makes Marley so incredible and heartening is because he is the anchor of the family. Marley is the one and only constant in their whirlwind of change, and many a times when we are left floundering in the wake of change, we only want a pillar of support to hold on to. Marley is just that.

And it was just the 4 of us friends from different walks of life. All sharing the same burning passion for life. Sitting down on the steps, watching the world go by, little stories unfolding in every little corner. Talking about every little thing, joblessness, further studies, the mile high job, sex, job experiences, life stories, fortune telling, the invisible hand of fate, the grand design, life as a whole. And I will have to move on eventually. We talked about goals and what we want in life. Different peoples with different dreams, all taking a different path in life, further studies, moving away to another country, taking a retail job - retail hours, me - bumming my way around.

Once again, i'm struck by the inevitable hands of time. And i gotta pick my ass up and move. And i leave a little bit of me behind.

Why?

Why do i refuse to heed my inner voice all the time?
All the time I've been lying to myself.
Letting all these romantic notions get to my head.
I wont stop until i get myself hurt in the end why?
Because i refuse to see the light.
I cant even believe the speed at which all this is coming back to me.
Why? Because it's always been there just waiting for this time to spring.
I hate myself.
For all of this.
But yes i need this closure.
It's just that i'm too much of a coward to do it myself.
I have been such a fool.
A love fool.

Is there anything new?

Screw the damned fucking recession. You know I never really gave much damn to the whole economy thing but I need a job, badly. Yes, for the money to fund my lifestyle. For the money to fund my uni. And for the job to take me away from this endless monotony of bumming at home with nothing to do, no one to go out with, much less money to spend on going out with. I swear I'm going to lose my mind.

Worse, something that I should have long given up, keeps coming back to my mind, why oh why do you haunt me so? I wish I had the courage to end it for myself. This is merely a hallucination. So real yet incorporeal.

Cynicism and Pain.

It is saddening to see so many people fencing off themselves. Gettin to know someone is like having to climb a wall, a mental barrier. Yet some people hole themselves in mighty fortresses, that none but themselves may enter. I cannot blame them, its simply nature's way of protecting yourself from further harm. Once bitten twice shy eh, how sad. They refuse to trust and love all because they are afraid of being bitten again, hurting again. I just think that if life goes on like that, its just gonna be so bland, always hiding, always shying, always running away, why? Fear.

Life is all too short to be spent hiding away. It's about taking the plunge and discovering, be it good or bad, its something to learn. You might come away scarred, but that should serve as a reminder, not an inhibition to living life.

In this sad reality, we all pay homage to Janus, the two-faced god. One for yourself and one for the world.

I'm high now.

Okay... im still in a woozy kinda mood right now. Just got home from clubbing. You have no idea how tough it is to write these few sentences. Ah well its fun, but thats not the point really.

I wanted to give a review about Changeling, thought it was good to share lest i forget ever so easily.

Changeling the movie starring Angelina Jolie playing a single mother Christine Collins of a 9 year old son, finds him missing after work. Jolie's portrayal of the woeful mother was terribly evocative and raw. We cannot help but empathize with her plight. Visceral and poignant it reminds us of the many things we take for granted, Christine battles overwhelming odds as she faces a corrupt LAPD bent on closing the case by giving her a fake son to generate good media, the LAPD, threatened, locked her up in a psychopathic ward. The story then delves deeper as a serial killer was found to have abducted boys for murder, of which Christine's son Walter could have been killed in. Christine, devastated searched evermore vigorously for the truth, of which she managed to turn the tables to convict the LAPD of shirking their responsibilities.

The story ends when she receives a call about a boy who was found, but it was yet another disappointment as it wasn't her son. That was a powerfully poignant scene that moved the audience to tears. I wouldnt call it a tear-jerker per se. But for those who wish to follow the story, its definitely worth your while.

I'm not a terribly good reviewer, but i'm learning the ropes. I give it 3.5 stars =)

If only you had eyes to see....

Life snaps right back to reality when the magic of booze fades. For a moment under the yoke of alcohol, we all felt vibrant and alive. Different. Elevated. Free. With the chains trailing behind you not wanting to let go.

Love is such a many splendoured thing indeed. Because we all covet it. The unattainable impossible. I'm beginning to wonder if we could really sate our hearts desire after pursuing such an arduous path to love? Would the transaction be as promised? The stuff of magic?

Roses. How apt.

Taken ahold of.

I have rather quaint revelations of life sometimes, as i walk by the streets, watching the life of others go by. Like a muse they grant their inspirational wisdom and depart, silent as they came. Indeed, in my time of dire need for a pillar to hold on to, i'm graced with wonderful friends that appear at my doorstep, much to my surprise. Amazing how uncertainty may not always be a bad thing, a silver lining indeed.

A saying goes, "Live everyday like it is your last", but how many ever truly follow it, much less believe in it. After listening in on a friend's past few years, i cannot but thank the stars for my good fortune. Count your blessings indeed. Yes, life IS unpredictable. I cannot imagine what would become of me if such events occurred on myself. It sparked a quiet fear, a fear that would drive me to explore my life to its limits. Nobody wants to live a life of regrets. Do you?

>.< I read back and i find it preachy don't you? You of all people should know that, too bad i'm not in the writing kinda mood to put it with my usual sardonic flair. Yes, i need that spark to write. So now, i just need sometime to think and reflect. Take some well deserved rest before plunging headlong into the hectic workforce.

Forever Yours.

Fare thee well, little broken heart
Downcast eyes, lifetime loneliness

Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone

Constant longing for the perfect soul
Unwashed scenery forever gone

Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone

No love left in me
No eyes to see the heaven beside me
My time is yet to come
So I'll be forever yours

Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone

No love left in me
No eyes to see the heaven beside me
My time is yet to come
So I'll be forever yours

No love left in me
No eyes to see the heaven beside me
My time is yet to come
So I'll be forever yours

Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone

Whatever walks in my heart

Tarja Turunen - Nightwish.

I wonder why i'm so affected by this lilting melody. Love is like a pheonix, dying and rekindling from its ashes. It is beautiful, and yet painful to bear witness to. How many of such unending cycles must i endure? One too many, too soon.

Everything is moving so quickly.

I guess i'm still feeling a little disoriented. At such a vast change in lifestyle. Not that i'm detesting it, it has its pros and cons. I'm so glad i managed to meet up with most of my close friends, certainly made coming back worth it. But i'm just a little burned out now.

I need to get a job, learn to drive, go to the gym. Seems all rather insignificant yes, but life's little hitches always get in the way somehow. Hence the burnout. I've been wanting to write, but everything comes and goes so quickly i can barely hold on to it. I'm lacking the luxury of time, again. I suppose thats the challenge life presents, finding the right balance of everything.

Damn, the grass is always greener on the other side. As much as i hated waking up early in the morning, pulling my ass off the bed and off to work, seeing everyone there again made my day. Familiar and smiling faces. There's just so much more to it i can't express.

Suddenly it's just 1 more day to the new year of 2009, 2008 seemed to have zoomed by, but it definitely wasn't wasted. I never believed in new year resolutions, only in resolutions made with myself. Somehow the new year ones get forgotten when the festive season is over. Yes, a new year, a new chapter, life never really slows down for you isn't it. Makes you run for it. Like i always believe, there's a duality to all things, yet they are but 2 sides of the same coin. All you have to do is take a closer look, and take a peek on the brighter side.

I wonder what the future has in store?

Jaded.

There is no other word for it. Jaded. The long deployment has done it's job, i'm pretty much close to wasted nearing the end. The wave of tiredness seems to have been anticipating the end to descend on me. Slowly, inexorably we are counting down, but i'm not, i just can't help knowing it's 4 days now, everytime i look at my watch.

4 days. I almost can't believe it. From a deployment that's a hundred over days long, i never once expected it to drop to a single digit. Few people probably even know the multitude of reasons why i chose to come here. Or rather more accurately chosen to extricate myself from my family for awhile. A long while at that.

Now the days are counting themselves down, the 5 hrs cut down to 1. It's like a creeping dread crawling over me. I can't shake off that feeling. I hate it. Everyone's anticipating my return, i appreciate it, but for some reason, i can't bring myself to be enthusiastic about it. It's not that i dont want to come home. I just dont like it. There's just so much, so much bordering on that.

For 4 mths i have been cut off from my closest people, whether by blood or by friendship. I doubt anyone would come close to empathising with me, my angst, my pain, my melancholy. Everything that i have experienced all along. I have been happy, but those were all bittersweet. I'm simply unable to put a word to that ocean of emotions, a potent brew.

I have been thinking alot, just random thoughts, sometimes resolutions i try to fulfil, sometimes of the things i must do. There is a thing i would tell all of you. You will just have to wait till i defeat my inner demons.

A stream of thought.

Loud techno's blasting in my ears, taking that part of me away, dancin to the music, oblivious to all, sadly reality usually isn't the case. I wish i could sometimes cast myself away along. Not exactly thinking about anything in particular, which is weird because usually i have an agenda to talk about here.

Now I'm just taking a break after doing some domestic which has recently just become my primary job here. Takin the time off to blog before lunch at least with a touch of privacy.

Somehow i lack the words to fully elucidate my thoughts and feelings (usually i'm more verbose, but the military does certain things to you which you can never really fully recover from). Sad is just too vague. Melancholy is a little too poetic. Nostalgia is a little too early. I do suppose it's a mix of all that with a little pinch of Aaron, do tell me if they ever come up with a word for that kinda feelin.

So many things were racing through my mind during the graveyard shift last night. Even though i was thoroughly zombified with not sleeping the whole day. So many things i wanted to say, to tell someone, about this little thing and that little whim, and all the little bits of small talk between friends would. But somehow, i was choked. Nothing came forth, as much as i would have loved to. I wonder why myself. Afraid to take the step of uncertainty? Or just taking the safe alternative to extricate myself from further pain, the pain of inevitable separation. Yes, you and i both know that i hate that.

Have you ever had the damned feeling of wanting so much to tell someone something, but having a wall of caution barring your way all of a sudden? That for some reason , you just cannot push past that inner barrier of crossing that threshold. I am stuck somewhere there, neither here nor there. Lost in transit. Caught, held fast. Have you ever had it?

The loud techno is still blaring away on my new sleek Bose earphones, i enjoy the deep and smooth bass tones, i silently sing away to it's ideals, it's fantasies, the other world we go into sometimes to escape. I let myself get carried away for awhile.

Enroute Home.

Yes. You heard me, after aeons out here, i'm finally on my way home. So much memories, so many things and gifts to share, but that will all have to wait till 20th Dec. We have just exited the Area of Ops, and everything went down a notch. The crazy pace that we've been goin at for so long finally relaxed, a little. Still there is a need to keep an eye for pesky pirates not so far from us and mad terrorists in India.

Bahrain was a whirlwind of shopping man, i don't think i've ever done a shopping spree like that, it's no wonder women love shopping, retail therapy works wonders, swiping cards with a flash, i've spent quite alot, of course, lots of gifts included. Most people who read this blog will have a share, a taste of the Middle East =)

It's about 12 days more, I'll be home soon.

It's been a long while

It's been a long while since i had updated, since the beginning of NAG 4, the last quarter of our deployment. Now we are coming to the end. Heading for Bahrain soon, then back home. Many many things have happened over the long course of time and i simply do not know where to start. Many times i find myself caught up in something i wish i was never part of, half the time i'm fighting tooth and nail to free myself. It hasn't been an easy journey, i had never expected it to be easy, this has been a sore test, for me and everyone else, hopefully i'll emerge a stronger person after all this.

I've seen many things, learned many things and i can say for certain, people are never really who they are. It's a scary notion, much as i am loathe to admit it. One can be so easily condemned, forever marked, and despite the best he gives, it can all be twisted with a sly play of words, insinuated against, manipulated, all with a smiling face. It disgusts me. Yet under the curse of Pandora's Box, there still is hope, minute as it is, it's efforts inexorable, i'm thankful i've still friends to lean on, that there's still a glimmer of hope in this grim world.

I'm having alot of mixed feelings, i really enjoy the freedom of sailing, as much as we are confined onboard a ship, lying spread-eagled on the flight deck, with nothing but the clear sky and cold winds, seeing nothing but the endless seas, part of me doesnt want to go home. I want to exult in this freedom longer. It doesnt compare to the freedom back at home, a freedom that is marked by boundaries that constantly shift to strangle. But home calls all the same, the sense of familiarity a warm fuzzy feeling, of friends and family, familiar places and the roots of my life.

Wednesday 1017H 03.12.08

It is officially the last day in the Northern Arabian Gulf (NAG), the last few hours we'll ever see of the oil platforms, the coalition warships, the tugs bumming about and the constant activity that we are here for, everyday 24/7. Suddenly there is a sudden sense of loss, of emptiness, a loss of purpose and direction, and i'm left floundering and bereft. I simply can't help this melancholy. Such bittersweet memories. We have come so far for so long, for a moment i thought it would never end. But i delude myself, all good things come to an end, don't they. It's the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. Honestly, i'm a little intimidated by the big unknown ahead. Strange what time does to you, no? It's a scary and exciting thought. Time is one thing i cannot fight and hope to win.

-When reality fades into memory...-

I sail. Through the crests and the troughs.

We are on to the last part of our deployment today. We are leaving harbour soon as i type this entry. Soon we will be on watch again. Alot of things have happened since the start of our deployment, but i'm just gonna let things go and begin anew. I'm not hoping for time to pass quickly, i'm just hoping i can experience everything fully. Soon, we will be heading home, soon...

The Desert Tour.

After bumming around in the Middle East, land of the rich Arabic cultures, i could hardly have missed out on the desert tour. If you were expecting the mystic stuff and tents and desert trekking and everything else you see in pictures, you couldn't be more wrong. But the real thing was close enough, most importantly, REAL enough.

We arrived around early evening, so we could escape the afternoon blaze and the scorching sandstorms, we visited a camel farm sort of, which consisted of nothing more than a few run down shacks and animal pens. The whole place stank of animal excrement, you couldnt walk and NOT step on anything. Cam-whoring sessions begin.

The sun begins to set and it casts a golden hue upon the crested dunes. The desert is like a sea of sand, the dunes like endless waves upon the endless desert, the dune peaks catch the light of the setting sun and casts them across the desert. The desert shimmers.

Soon we were boarding our 4 wheeled drives and we proceed for dune-bashing. Which is like having a roller coaster ride among the dunes. Oh the yelling. I couldnt say more. The sun glows red, settle atop a high dune to catch the sunset. Cam-whoring, yet again. We collected some sand for souvenirs, then proceeded to the desert encampment for dinner.

There was camel riding available, but i didnt ride. Those poor beasts look so miserable and they were whining and making all sorts of noises after being made to repeatedly stand and kneel to ferry people. One gave a particularly loud noise when one of the horizontally challenged tourists mounted it, albeit with much difficulty, and grunting.

Dinner was arabic buffet and bbq meats, all spread out on carpets laid on the sand, with firm cushions and a low tablet. I can't decide if i wanted to sit on the carpet or the sand, except that the sand had the tendency to get into nasty places. There was booze and some furious belly dancing, culminating with most of us dancing on the stage with her. And that was that.

Now. 1838H 19.11.08

Just had a very spicy dinner. We are sailing towards our area of ops again. Can't exactly put what i'm feeling into words. But suffice to say it's a large spectrum from the worst to the best. I just hope i don't swing around too much. Now, i'll just let the days flow me by.

A dark maelstorm.

Thursday 1600H 13.11.08

We have just arrived at harbour in Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates. It's been a long long journey, and till date 3/4 of our deployment has been completed, been lots of ups and downs, hasn't all been smooth sailing. But, I've come a long way, and I'll be home soon. It's alot of mixed feelings really, and i'm pretty ambivalent about it all. As much as I enjoy being out here and all, home calls to me all the same. And i wonder how will i deal with it at crunch time.

In restrospect. Some excerpts.

Wednesday 1707H 12.11.08

We had a confrontation. A gunner and I. It was a long time since i had shouted. It was ugly. He had accused me of sleeping on the job. Insisted. Saying I was being watched reading. That i was a BLACK SHEEP. That riled me. He casts aspersions upon me on the comms. Shattering the credibility i've been trying so hard to rebuild. Yte part of what he said had been true, it feels rotten to be second rate after all this while, i just didnt need someone to rub salt into my wounds all the time.

It then occured to me that i was being so naive. So stupid, so useless, no more worth than my occasional sarcasm. Acting all self-congratulatory to make myself feel better, about things that dont matter. What a small person I am. Self centred. Mindless. Yet i had exploded and lashed out with all my vindictiveness and angst. Feeling so myopic in the end. At the same time, i had felt so discredited and belittled by his remarks. Having doubt cast on me. That made it all the harder to clear my name. I hated everything he said. Even if it were part truth, that i had been a letdown. I had thought too highly of myself, thinking myself immune or above all these machinations.

The confrontation had made it worse. Suddenly i felt so alone, all eyes on me. Doubting me. I wonder what had become of me. I was astounded. He hit home a point. I would never have tolerated my behaviour on someone else. How could i bear to tolerate it on myself?

I had been so blind.
All is quiet.
All alone.
I need time.
The fire has faded.
And all i have is regret.

Wednesday. 1902H 12.11.08

What a poison that festers in my heart. I'm so miserable, so useless, so unwanted. And i'm helpless against it. It makes me so wretched, I'm disgusted with myself. I have been discredited, for a few mishaps, a victim of circumstances, yet i had done nothing but pushed blame aside. Hardly what i expected of myself as an adult.

I had fought tooth and nail to get where i am. But it appears i lack the mental fortitude to pull through. So weak like a willow in the wind. How will i survive the harsh reality, when i will not place the blame elsewhere but myself. Indeed, i am the black sheep. I abhor that word. It is vile. How did it all come to this?

Thursday 0504H 13.11.08

How do you pen down a maelstorm of thought? It hurt so much when those words were said. Had i myself not tried? Was i not disappointed with myself for being beneath my juniors? Yet i could not fault the things being said. All the more painful when i realised that. How did it feel for me to be left in the dark, oblivious to everything, being the last to know?

Even so, it ate at my self esteem, that i'm the weak link for so long, the weakest link, and acting like a fool of it. Abandoned, unwanted, thrash, a pain in the ass. Is that what i am? It felt like everyone was watching me with jaundiced eyes. Just putting up a front in my face.

That thought left me cold, alone and my mind shattered.

What must i do now? What CAN i do?

It's so cold.

Yep, i have been away for awhile, time's just a little tight here. We are now about halfway done, halfway more to go. The weather has changed, drastically. It's a measly 20 degrees even in the day, which was just now, the sky was overcast and it actually rained a heavy drizzle. Packed with chilling winds that make everything worse.
'
Thats all for the updates, i can't bear to put my mind thru anymore stress rigth after a mind and body numbing 4 hr watch.