A new day has come.

It's my last day in Dubai and we are on duty today. Dubai is indeed a place with sights to see, us guys in Mess 5 sure did have loads of silly beer games and drinking fun onboard ship. Suffice to say we are well rest, physically to say the least.

But for some reason my mind can't stop.

Soon we'll be departing for NAG 2 duties and it's no surprise why i'm starting to dread it. Everyone's startin to get on edge, they are snappier, get angry easier, the officers start to question and allocate blame and responsibilities. The effects are starting to show on the people below, they are frustrated, agitated, complaining about things and people they normally would just ignore.

I tell you, the ship is chock full with dynamite just waiting for the right moment. And it's scary to watch the timebomb tick down. So much friction, i hope it doesnt create too much sparks. I must say it's rather depressing to watch.

Am i tired or is it something else?

I wonder what's come over me, i wonder if it's just my duty yesterday, that i just finshed cleaning arms or is it something else entirely that i can't put my finger on. All is well, we are in Dubai now, but theres nothing more interesting than that.

Indeed true when people say the grass is always greener on the other side, it is for me anyhow, i'm missing alot of things, not feeling ecstatic, or feeling anything in particular, it's probably nothing at all in the first place.

So numb.

And i don't know what to do.

October 3rd. London.

Yes, now i know why pee misundestood my , or rather she interpreted it in a way i didn't mean it to, or i'm too blind to see it myself. Indeed, i have been rather steeped in the cyber world, so much so that sometimes i forget people close to me. And in retrospect, the italics seem so childish, i'm ashamed of myself. Finally, now that i'm here, i cherish that which i have lost. Now that it's been a month, i realise what matters. Really, the was a superflous bunch of verbose crap. Maybe coz i was half asleep. I was just forcing myself to think, i wasn't really feeling.

Why October 3rd. London?

Why, it's obviously not me.

Why, it's one of my closest friend.

I hadn't realised that his departure would mean so much. His being at home in Singapore gives my some assurance here, that i would have someone to talk to, to listen to me whatever the issue, to encourage me whatever it is. Now that he's going to leave, i feel somewhat uprooted and cast adrift without an anchor of stability.

Yes, i admit sometimes i'd take advantage of him as an emotional dumping ground. And i feel guilty that i have nothing more to offer than words.

We've known each other for close to 11 years now, it's always been a comforting presence, there's a sense of emptiness there, now that he's leaving, a certain void. You may think i'm exaggerating, perhaps. But, it pains me beyond words to not be able to say goodbye. Probably numbs the effect that i'm not even there, i'm just gonna have to acknowledge that. And that, will take some getting used to.

Recollections from the Gulf

Well, now that we've gotten used to the duty watch system means i'm gettin bored on watch. So i was just randomly thinking up stuff to keep awake, to prevent my Chief from picking on me, even though nothing i do will stop it. I'll just have to get over it, though i know it's pissing my ass off. I try.

So indeed the below are the what i managed to come up with over 2 watches.





In the wind I stand.
Under the blanket of stars.
The watch never tires.



Land aloft the sea.
A bird does not lay its eggs.
Liquid gold it hides.



There are eyes everywhere.
Watching. Or scanning.
There are lights everywhere.
Illuminating. Or searching.
There are dhows everywhere.
Fishing. Or waiting.


A cold moonless night
The gunmetal cover of darkness

Lazy sunbeams peek through the shades.
I lay ensconced in a world of dreams.

My world is a vivid green haze.
Lights of faerie fire dance wildly.

Awake, I reconnect my consciousness to the world.
Graceful, I skim the web like a playful sprite.

Captured as blips on the radar.
Like bugs in a web.

Unfettered, I walk the cyber pathways.
Enchanted, I enter the portal of fantasy.

Invisible chatter zoom from ship to ship.
Calm or agitated, yet all fast and furious.

I command Hermes at my fingertips.
Engaging strangers, engaging friends.

Sharks secure the barricade like weary watchdogs.
A mine, a fount of black liquid gold.

A wicked rhythmn snares my soul.
And I surrender my sensibilities for a night.

A chopper roars overhead.
Reluctant, I leave my trance.


Enjoy,

There lies a question.

Someone talked to me today

Him: So you extended your service for one year?
Me: Yeah, i already pushed back my studies for a year?
Him: Really? That's stupid
Me: silence

He had no idea, no idea how much i went through just to get my sad ass here. And now that we are all fighting that mental battle within ourselves when things get tough, this just had to sink it.

Not that i blame him, i just hate that sickening feeling, yeah simply because he's ignorant or inconsiderate, or just tired when certain things slipped his mouth for that matter.

And right at the time when i'm beginning to wonder if i made the right choice, i began to question myself, i felt doubt poison my mind. There is still a long way more to go. This is only the beginning.

It didn't hit me at first, then after awhile, the creep infested my mind. Vile and revolting. I don't remember feeling so poisonous in a long while. For a sick, sick moment, I relished the feeling. Then cast it away.

Things your mind do to you in a cage of a ship.

Oh, I saw dolphins the other day.
Loads of em.
For some reason, they don't really excite me to tell the tale anymore.

The Beginning of the End.

Alas, our tour of Bahrain has come to an end. It has been a good stay, wonderful food. Spent loads on merchandise. Like USD 115 Oakleys, a watch and a whole lot of other stuff. So far things have been going well, just that our departure has been delayed somewhat due to some issues, so we get to stay longer and that means spending more money, sigh.

On a more sombre note, this is just a reflection of what just happened, no details, just go figure.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

That has always been a touchy subject in the forces. Punishments are imposed immediately upon any breach of such. I understand it being discipline, but overdoing it makes us look pompous.

Down from the lowliest of the low to the king of kings, honestly, paying of such compliments being demanded as the law cheapens its intended purpose of paying respects, it simply becomes an aesthetic gesture.

I dont see how a senior officer should demand compliments more than a junior officer should. After all, who we are saluting is the President who bestowed the rank upon the officer and not the officer himself. Regarding the seniority of the officer it should be reflected in the behaviour of one interacting with said officer and not purely in the gesture of an empty salute or bland greeting.

Ultimately, respect needs to be earned and not given purely by virtue of one's rank or establishment, it's more of working to earn that respect due you. It's rather depressing that a some people are still subscribing to such a superficial mentality.

A senior officer demanding compliments VS a senior specialist who works to earn said respect.

I'll give it to the one who earns it.

A foreign land

A foreign land.
A land scarred barren with a khaki blanket.
A scorching and stifling land.

Welcome to Naval Support Activity Bahrain (NSA).
A U.S.N Military Base in Bahrain.

Hola to all of you.
I've just landed my first toes on Bahraini land yesterday. Things have been crazy, so has the satellite. Apologies for no calls and no emails and no updates. I'll bring you up to speed. We arrived in Bahrain yesterday, we've already been in her waters for quite awhile, just that port clearance took eons and Arabs are usually more liberal with their time.

Anyway, the weather here SUCKS. Singapore is PARADISE. One day we were sailing and the night winds were chilling, the very next day it was like sailing into a heatwave. I often wonder how i managed to survive under my helmet and anti-flash gear for so long, its a constant 38 - 42 degrees here. It's hot hot HOT!

So far it's my second day of liberty, the first day wasn't much cause most shops were closed when we arrived, and it is Ramadan period now, so that means fasting from sunrise till sunset. Bahrain will revive again after sunset. So now, i'm actually inside the U.S encampment NSA, it's sorta like a R&R area for the military, and the only place alive in Bahrain during Ramadan. Gonna go out and explore Bahrain soon, it's almost sunset. Gonna look for decent oakleys, cause the heat is ridiculous.

Hikari

Lights. If i had the time. If i had the luxury. I would gladly write a poem in awe of nature's beauty like dear Coleridge would. I miss poetry. Yes, i have seen the endless seas. Yes, i have witnessed brilliant sunrises and sunsets. Yes, i have stood through the misty rains. And yes, i have seen the sky painted with stars.

But tonight was different. I saw lights in the ocean. Little blips of blue green orbs, everywhere. It was like fireflies, in the ocean. And as the ship plows through the ocean, majestic waves white waves are thrown side to side. As the crests of the waves break, it bursts into life with a bright luminscent glow, as if burning as brightly as it can before it expires into nothingness.

And there i stood, utterly mesmerised, i simply stared, and admired the naked beauty of nature. It was as if the ship was sailing on a bed of stars, ruffling them as we go by, like we are sailing through the skies... No words are adequate description.

Did i mention we saw whales? And flyin fish skittering across the ocean? A story for another day =)

Lost at sea.

So many things are goin on now at this time. I'll admit i'm in quite a mess. Watch duties are due in about 8hrs time. The official watch duties are comin in soon. I managed to get into youtube somehow. Listenin to Paige Williams - So Much More.

It's gettin hectic. Drills. Gunnery work. Watch duties. Stress. It's all takin a toll. And it's only like 8 days? I've lost track of time. Things are really gonna go up one notch now. I'm not broken yet. Not by a long shot. No. It's just that ... I can't place it, it's so many things that i'm feelin. Yeah, i'm missing the life back in Singapore.

Perhaps i just need more sea breeze to blow it all off. Bask in the moonlight and a sea of stars.

Anyway, we'll be calling to port in Bahrain soon, can't say much about it, hope it's gonna be fun, yeah, i can't wait to get off the ship. The routineness is really gettin to everyone, it's pretty scary to see sparks fly from the most unexpected of people. I pray i'm not one of those.

So many things are reminding me of so many other things, it's like a jab of heartache every now and then. There's that nagging feeling at the back of my head, i just can't put my finger on...

Listenin to Disturbia

Rihanna's my best friend this trip man. I'm hooked, i'm listenin to her at every turn. Hah, as i said before the sea is indeed gettin alot worse now. People really can't stand still heh. I just had firing the day before, it was alright. I think it's really all about managing stress and confidence. Somehow the firing tested my nerves, how i must be able to pin it down when needed and not fumble on the job, coz if i fumble, it's not just my life at stake... That is a chilling thought. So i guess i'll take this time before we begin proper to prepare.

It's been almost 5 days, it's the 5th day now. No, homesickness hasn't kicked it yet, not for a long shot, but tempers are already flaring, fuses are burnt. It's scary, but it's cold hard reality and it tests us and most importantly myself to be able to handle it. Be it calming the related people or takin someone else's wrath. It's chilling how primal us humans can get when it comes to the basest of our emotions.

I should prolly get going. It's dog watch now.

The High Seas

The floor is never stable onboard a ship, now i know what that means. And its gonna get worse, might have been fun for the moment but not when u start to feel a little top heavy in the HEAD department. Yeah, i'm missing everyone back home, missing all the crazy things we used to do. It might be a little quick for all these homesick talk, but if i don't say it now, i might not have a chance to use the coms when EVERYONE else starts feelin homesick, which is like a hundred over other people.

Otherwise its been a good sail. The open sea sparks of freedom, such pure unadulterated freedom. It's rather ironic that we are stuck onboard a ship... I shall share some nice expressions of sunrises and sunsets if i see some and put them in words as best as i can, coz i can't do any media transfer here...

Now, its about time for dinner. And i'm drained.

What a day.

Okay. The last lines are cast off and we are finally off. I know i've been emo-ing alot to friends lately, and i know that i will be able to handle it when the moment i'm on it. Yeah, it's kind of like going through an emotional void, i'm not feeling anything, not overtly much anyway, kinda numb. Maybe it's a mental self defensive shut down mechanism.

Yeah its a pretty fucked up way to start a day, drunk and hangovers and whatnot. Nevertheless, i enjoyed it, till the point my memory became moot anyway. So that's what being dead drunk is like. Oblivion. Yeah, thats the word. The next thing i knew, my handphone was in a pail of water with my pants and vomit. Wonderful. So pardon me for not being to say last minute goodbyes, part of the reason why i'm feelin so fucked up.

So, i'm floating on the ocean somewhere, praying my drowned phone will be revived soon, it's like losing a part of me, so many people i wanna call to talk to but i can't. I can't use facebook, friendster, or web messenger, youtube too. So my primary means of communication would be emails, blogging, and calling. Sigh... my handphone.....

The 21st Bash!

What can i say? It was a roaring success. I would just like to thank everyone who made the effort to come, it really made a difference to me. I could not have asked for more. To the raccoons, you are most loved, I totally dig that photo biography of me, of my life with you guys 'thus far', and i just want to give you guys credit for taking on such an ardous task, special thanks to Kelvin.

A2, you are not forgotten as well, this is including Wan Jin as well who came. I humbly thank you guys for your choice picks on books, that filled up my personal library onboard and saves me the mind-boggling hassle of rummaging through a bookstore for such wonderful literature. And that moleskine notebook was perfect, simply perfect. Cheers to whoever came up with that, i couldn't think of a better gift for myself.

To the last survivors of sedet1, meaning those who still remember the meaning behind 'sedet1', i wasn't really expecting you guys, but you proved me wrong, you proved that our spirit endures... It's really heartening to me, and it says that i made the right choice in going for OBO V. I can't say how wonderful it is to see you guys after so long. Thank you.

Slow down.

Wait. Listenin to muttons to midnight when i'm feelin rotten doesn't seem to help, i think it makes it worse, but the music is good, just not the djs. It felt so painful to be cooped up at home instead of catchin up with close friends during my last 2 weeks before i depart, especially since i'm on leave. It's not that i'm blaming them or anything... things simply are as they are.

I didn't expect the journey along to be this painful or stressful... So many things to do, so many undone. I'm simply not on it. Everything seems to have lost its flavour, I'm not sure if i'm prepared for my birthday celebration. When i ask myself why i'm doing this. All i hear is an empty echo, not an answer.

I'm not ready. I don't know what to do.

Suddenly i'm so alone.

The stars are misaligned.

Oh wonderful. I got caught for my cam phone. I got 4 extras. And the coxswain's gonna make me declare it to the ship's company tmr morning. O! Reputation! Reputation! Reputation! Not to me, but to my mother unit.

What. Bad. Luck.

Back from sailing

Sailing has been exhausting really. As it has always been, but its different this time. There are things bugging me, on my mind, and it was never my forte getting them out. I realise i'm being really cryptic. But these unsettling feelings are equally cryptic to me. It's as if my body is feeling my emotions before my mind can comprehend them. That drives me crazy. I'm really confused with what i really want now. And i want to stop and take a breather. What do i really want, for this life? And time just moves irrevocably on. It's like pushing against a moving wall, inexorably pushing you, whether towards your destined path, or your predetermined doom. Time is such an insidious element. It's almost downright wicked. And i want it to stop, so much. I really need a breather. And ask myself my heart's desire.

I Blog?

Wow, i just remembered i used to have a blog and sometimes how cathartic it is. But mostly i just can't be bothered to pen my thoughts, cathartic as the process maybe. Wait. Catharsis? I barely remember the meaning of that word. Wait. Emotional release. Yes. That just came to mind. My brain is like a stock market exchange, thoughts fly in and out like money does, it comes in settles for a minute then leaves and i can't remember whit after that. So blogging becomes a business where i sit and stare at the screen waiting to my fingers to dance over the keyboard, which they never do now.

I may have paid a price too dear to extend my service. Steeped in crude language, colloqialism and the occasional dry comms lingo. I've lost my tongue, sharp or not. I wonder to myself if i'm up to the task of taking English as my major again. It's like a silent gnawing fear of not being up to par. Nonetheless, i have to stow that fear away for another day. Because the deployment is around the corner. Gotta get psyched.

Sometimes i think saying that i've been too busy to blog is a lie. I've kept away too many things, like little devils trapped in a Pandora's Box, one day that box might explode. Perhaps i should take some time to compose myself (and my writing).

So anyway, i will be sailing off tmr and next week again for a few more sea checks before we are declared ready for ops. I may have been excited, now i'm rather nervous. Of what's gonna come ahead and what time i have to prepare for it. I try to push it aside and enjoy life for the moment, kinda like living on edge now. Maybe, its because i have to get mandatory insurance, sign a will and all those morbid talk of blood and gore.

Living on edge. I rather like it. Though not very healthy for my wallet. But for once, i dont feel so chained anymore.

Lastly, for those who survived reading, congratulations if you didnt mute your speakers. I put the song to irritate ppl =P It's so fun planting earworms if you get what i mean.

Irritating things.

Blogging as requested by the gang. I wonder how i subconsciously manage to trot up so many blonde points. Albeit some are done as a joke of the moment but have been taken into account as a 'blonde moment' sadly, and i'm not allowed a defense to clear my name. So if you really must refer to me as a 'blonde' i suppose you may.

Buffets can be such a pain sometime. Gosh, stuffing ourselves like pigs to get that money's worth. I suggest French minimalist cuisine, that's more forgiving on the stomach, not on the fat content though. No doubt, we had fun at Settlers with many a memorable moments like "Hinny" and "Vow" and Ra's incessant table slamming. But the Ra-Fiesta has yet to end.... As we shall see.

I honestly think that the road transport system needs a major overhaul. Something must be done about those OBSCENE rush hour traffic. Its like a 2 min wait at EVERY traffic light junction. Highways become snailways. Inconsiderate drivers. Singapore is having a daily gridlock during rush hours. I see a LONG line of empty cabs lining up to enter a shopping mall. Hoarding the entire first lane, choking the carpark exit. Wonderful idea really if you ask me.

Buses coming at weird intervals. The next bus comes in 9 mins, the following? 11 mins. And it can be soooo irritating when the bus is about to leave some middle aged lady come tottering on her heels flagging the bus, just as she gets on, the door closes, the driver turns away, another flustered looking student comes running flagging down the bus thats about to leave. And the bus stops again. All this coupled with a gridlock in a stuffy bus stop with bus exhaust fumes caressing your face, is enough to make my blood boil. And the poor bus drivers have no choice but to wait with an exasperated look on their faces lest they face complaints from whiny Singaporeans.

Of course, such commuters can be bad, but there are worse. The inconsiderate devils on the buses behaving with what i call lousy bus etiquette. You are asked to move to the back of the bus so more people can board. But for inconvenience sake some in fact most wish to cluster-fuck at the door leaving a gaping chasm at the rear of the bus. On at the routine behest of the bus captain to "Move to the rear" only then will these people shuffle their butts backward. It's a waste of your time and everyone else's time. Stupid.

Just as i was getting home this evening, i was on a bus home, due to a lack of seating. Many passengers had to stand, though not to the extent of packed sardines. I noticed this girl who firmly planted herself in front of the door, passengers had to squeeze past her to get to the back where theres more space, i was wondering why she didnt move, so... it seems that she's on the phone, so i thought maybe she was gettin off soon like in a stop or two. It so happens the i was on svc 88 from amk hub to bishan, so its quite a few stops. And this woman never budged a step even till the bus reached bishan, i waited i thought she was going to get down, she was oblivious to the world except her handphone, hence i had to unceremoniously push past her, squeezing as much as i can to get through. Gives a whole new meaning to the term door bitch.

Last but not the least are the bus drivers. I wonder where their driving license came from, an alien planet? This usually happens at traffic light junctions or slow moving traffic. They engage the engine, move a metre or so then jam the brakes. Move abit then jam the brakes, they have to know they arent driving a car, it's a bus with people. This is the worst when the bus is packed during rush hours, everyone mashes to the back as it moves then jerks forward as it brakes. Not only does it make for an unpleasant riding experience, it's also a hazard for people, falling down, getting mashed etc.

So far, this has been Aaron on the road transport system for the day, thank you for your rapt attention.

Now tag or bugger off.

And the word is out.

Alas! I have been confirmed for OBO. The struggle with the pes status issue has been cleared albeit a little late. Instead of how one door closes another opens, one worry subsides and another surfaces. Now is the issue of deferring my matriculation into NTU, yet another problem to plague me. How frustrating bureaucracy can be, its red tape heaven everywhere. Now if you would allow me some time to fuss....

the 100th post

Hah. Decided to give it the centurion name for this post because, well... Kinda reached the point in life where its time to direct your path ahead. Part of the reason why i'm forced to come here is because WoW is down for maintenance and freaking facebook is pissing me off, least to say i've had a bad day.

It's about time to update a little about my life. Close friends I've already told you about my decision, and i have received a plethora of varied reactions from the passive to the explosive. So instead of going through the pain of tellin you one by one and await possible tongue lashing. I'd just like to say I have extended my NS service for awhile. I might be participating in an overseas mission in the Gulf region from the period of August till December.

Why i say might is because nothing has been cast in stone yet, except for the fact that i'm on voluntary extension of service till May 11. Due to the fact that i fractured my left arm last March, i have been downgraded, and i need to be combat fit to be eligible for this mission. BUT, the imcompetent medical board, seems to be highly inefficient in processing that. Something that should have been decided on months ago. Damn the stupid organization and it's red tape.

And please, stop bombarding me with questions demanding why i made such a decision. It's not just grating, it's even bordering on disrespecting me and my decision. All i ask is for your support and not your advice.

So now, i have no idea what lies ahead, mission or education? Staying in the husk of what's left of my platoon, only to learn that nostalgia is a bittersweet feeling. Nothing more substantial than that. Hanging on to fraying threads.

Really, whats worse than being stuck in the doldrums of time, not moving at all. It's got me so weary and jaded, with nothing to work toward, everyday an unliving farce. I have not the strength to do what i need to do, face what i need to face. Maybe i'm just lazy, maybe i just need a spark somewhere.