One-armed jack.

it's been a long time since i was last here to indulge in catharsis. silly me broke me arm 2 days ago in camp, playin (or tryin to play) sepak tekraw no less... yeah it seems like an act of ultimate stupidity, some say ultimate blondeness, it maybe a joke gone wrong, and im havin people laughin like clowns no doubt. i didn't want this and i don't need your sarcasm into my mix of misery. infirm, useless and helpless. i thank all who visited me and those who sent their warmest regards. to hell with those who took it as a comical act gone wrong.

i know CDS is now havin low strength difficulties and i'm sorry to add on to it, we all hate gettin activated, my apologies... as to my plt, i'll be missin them dearly, won't be able to see ssc7 guys for long. damn this. sigh. missin out on so much...

I am lost.

Home is no refuge.
Home is alien to me.
Everything is, except my little breached sanctuary.

I am afraid.
I don't want to be entrapped.
I want my silence.
I want to be free.

Powerless

Something so basic that we've all taken for granted.

O... Dismount lo....

Okay, it was not exactly joy but at least we got off duty. After numerous boring rehearsals with SWO, the Change of Command Ceremony was came to a close with a farewell last salute to our former Commanding Officer, with thunderous applause to welcome the new one.

Off to the spec mess.

In rather high spirits that got even higher with the inclusion of duty-free beer from the mess, which tasted cheap but nonetheless fired the blood. We had racous fun with food, picture match and several drinking bouts from Denis, Jeff and the new 2lts. I was rather surprised i downed a mug myself. Ended the day with rather inexcusably blonde moments from me (dropping a plate of food)... More drinking and a hellride from RuiLong.

Homebound.

All the plans for WOW, some rest at home came to a abrupt halt as I opened my door to pitch darkness... Has the power perhaps tripped? Easily fixed with a flick of a switch. Flick up... Flick down... A simple enquiry to my Mum confirmed all that i dreaded.

Oh... So thats how... It needed no more from me than my indifference and utter resignation.

Perhaps i should stop thinking about the impossible.
Some things never change.

It's been awhile and its the new year.

It's been a long time since i was last here.
I've been so preoccupied with everything else.
I've forgotten to spare time for myself.
Now, back after a year, of many changes,
A pensive time.
Yet, i fear i've lost myself.
It's a year where i've been obsessed with everything.
So much so i;ve lost focus.
Like a wanderer, brief sojourns here and there.
Like the current incoherence of my broken thoughts.
About time i should be pickin up the pieces of my life this coming year.
I'm greeting it with mind numbing indifference.
As if the transition into the new year is no more than the coming of a new day or the passing of an hour, flight of minutes and the ticking of seconds.
All away into eternity.
Where was the time where i was unfettered by all these mundane problems.
Where was the time where i need not fret over everything.
So much that i want i can only wish for.
So much jealousy and poison brewing within, like a miasma.
A disease, crippling me.
If there a way where i can cast away such darkness.
When can i drop my petty little desires, my superficial cravings.
And look a little deeper, delve closer to the warmth of human contact.
Once again?

All that vindictive angst. Where goes it?

Accuse me of whatever you like, tell me i'm whining. Nothing's new, i'm already so used to being downtrodden by peoples' unsensitive comments and casting their criticisms, and yes, i'm not sure if my defenses will hold. I'm crumbling from within, even as i post this my heart and mind are exploring a million possibilities about how trashy a person i am.

I'm not in the heart for these things anymore. Go ahead whine to me about how bad your NS life is because yours can't get any worse... So tell me, what's new? Maybe i shouldnt really be taking this on such a sombre note but please, knowing what i'm goin through, be careful where you aim your verbal daggers, no matter how unknowingly and heedlessly tossed in my direction.

Perhaps i'm breaking at the stress of all this, and i'm probably sullying my own pathetic image further by waxing lyrical about my myriad of miseries. Yeah it probably couldnt get worse than that.

All seems happy and jovial where i am, but i sense a deep jadedness within everyone, morale is say... inexistant. And daily i trudge through this waist-depth of shit. Uncertain of when my next little bubble of fresh air might come from, uncertain of my book outs. Because anytime, those accursed officers take all liberties available to thrust our heads into the crap all over again. Like torturers twisting the law as their leash around us. I'm beginning to wonder when i'll suffocate.

And yes, thank you Kelvin. I'm blessed to have you as a friend. It gave me a measure of hope, a little flame to keep me warm, a soothing lullaby in the cold nights, a little assurance in a simple sms. And no, you don't have to feel guilt, empathy is all i need as my pillars, you have given me so much more. Perhaps the sky isn't gonna collapse today, perhaps the world aint so bitter after all.

Remember that Greek myth? It all rings true now... When Pandora's Box was unraveled, all the worlds miseries and sorrows escaped to plague the earth, but underneath all that was a little thing called Hope. So maybe.. Just maybe... It's wings brushed across my grievious heart...

Tempestous.

I wonder what came over me today. This sudden deluge of negativity and rejection awash, I feel so poisoned, vehement, almost afire. Slowing down to think and ponder calmed me somewhat. I simply desire solitude. Is that a gift, a freedom so difficult to grant? Everyday i live simply saps upon my already limited and strained sanity, i fear i may snap. Everytime i come back into the real world, it seems as though i just phased out from a vacumn, everything is so fucking routine. I finish my damned duty, book out for the night, come back home to be fawned upon like some little twit, fussing over every little thing, then i wake up the next accursed morning, heading back to camp to renew this dreadful cycle. Sometimes i dont even get home. I scream to nothingness, where is my personal space and liberty that i held so dear. Now it is so forcefully wrested from me, while i could do nothing. I have to go home and face the irate sister who's pissed because she's using my things. What bitter.. bitter irony. And i am deposed from my room, no more than a visitor, acting to the whims of a little brat. Because why, i'm not even sure if i live here anymore. What's mine has become but another illusion.

Where is my personal space? It doesn't exist anymore, it has been plundered, invaded, raped. Sometimes i just want out of this world. Just me, myself and i, alone in my quiet contemplations, now where has that gone? That, along with my social life went out of the window months ago. How did i survive this long? I don't want to have to come homw to face a grumpy sister in my room, complaining, whining... GOD! NO WHINING! Find it no different from a dumpster downstairs, completely unrecognisable, nearly uninhabitable. My personal space... Obliterated. Just like that. Privacy, space, peace... Where are all that now? When can i be spared the ceaseless questionings, neverending fusses coming from her stream of consciousness. Sadly no different from a fly buzzing in my ears. I am no kid. I want none of it no more. Cohabit with an adult, not fuss over a little boy. Give me space and quiet.

My mind is a blank right now, a vacumn ready to implode anytime. Dont spark it.

Empty. Empty. Empty.
So hollow the heart that thunders.

Friends are a divine gift.

Today. Was a heaven sent gift.

One of the few times i truly ever treasured the space of a day. We had a rather empty morning, nothing much other than fatigue work, but when it dawned upon us that our Sgt Jonathan had begged to let us have a nights off today was more than enough to set our spirits alight. More importantly, we will be running together with Tuas Defence Squadron. Guys from the previous Sea Soldier Course - my coursemates. It was a tender and warm reunion, i could not stifle an excited wave at all of em, least to say hasten to see my best buds since i dunno when.

The mood was jovial, it was great to see them again, who knows when would be our next chance... Exchanged many interesting anecdotes and pieces of random gossip, lots of fun and laughter. So many feelings that were felt were almost tangible in the air, it was thick with emotion, something that was expressed with glittering eyes and knowing smiles rather than said with words no matter how beautifully crafted. Words don't really matter when hearts connect.

Ran 5km along the surrounding of the Macritchie Reservoir Park, tagged along with Gabz and Jem and an occasional Sgt Wen Jie hollering in our ears and finally knocked himself on a railing. Me and Gabz were quite proud of ourselves for besting a number of NDU personnel on the run. Heh. Even though their competetive teams still made a rather clean swipe of most of the prizes leaving bits for the rest to pick. All in all a good run. Running with SWO again, reminiscent of our many AGRs. Ah memories.

Prata for dinner. Night Snack (Darrell) was re-christened Snack Monster or Snack Champ or wadever for giving me a food related answer to a lan related question.
We had lan, i owned for 2 games. Lost on my last. Would have prolly won had not been for Joel, damned Bloodseeker and also to a very fat WeeMing (Centaur). Dang. I wanna rematch!

Now... I'm back home missin all of you guys already. See you guys soon. Pray we don't kena extras

I walk again down my destined path..

It has been a week.
Where i felt so much.
Sorrow for the loss of friends.
Joy for the subtle blessings bestowed upon.
A kind of peace we all share.
A sense of camaraderie invisibly felt and appreciated.

Well... being an OJT ain't as bad as i imagined. Everyone has been helpful in guidin all of us along. Or rather, all of us realise the need to stand together in the face of the EVIL CO. Hah.. Strength in numbers i suppose, everyone has banded together to cover another's asses. Covert ops undercover heh. It's gratifying i suppose, as much as we all do not condone the CO's actions, it sorta brought everyone to stand beneath one banner. I'm sure we all appreciate the little things our superiors do for us, everyone of them except dear CO of course.

The very appointment, invoke his name and a flurry of hushed whispers follow, perhaps he isn't wrong, but he certainly cannot empathise or force us to produce a standard beyond our greatest means.

Forget the depressing stuff. I still miss my dear friends in Tuas from time to time, memories from Panglima blip across my thoughts sometimes, whether it brings a smile to my lips or a tear to my eye i'm still rather mixed. Time here runs by its own rules. I guess i'm simply numbed, time just sorta disappears before my very eyes, I need some revitalising... I'm broken.

A period on another chapter.

This feels as if i'm writing my life as i live it. And as this day comes to an inevitable end. I'm writing my final conclusions to this chapter, and finally i rest my pen on a full-stop. I recall the past times where i HAD to put my pen down and write a new chapter, part of me refuses to flip that page, so ironically light, it is beyond me to flip it.

And so now, i reminisce my conclusions.

Damn. Why does it have to be so? To make friends and lose them? My spirits dulled significantly nearing the end of course. The fact that we were gonna pass out soon did nothing to lift that dreary mood, that ominous feeling i've been dreading all the time. When it's time for us to move on. When we suddenly notice time is at our asses, sweeping us along...

All that time we've come to appreciate and love of everyone's beloved company, that we've taken for granted, has come back with a vicious vengeance of hurt and separation. Friends that have a place in my heart, and taken to were torn away, by a difference of just 1 offending letter, 'T'DS or 'C'DS. Revolting how such words carry such power.

It felt almost like judgement day when Course Comm was reading the posting order. Finally the verdict announced, and i am given exile.

It is cruel how this world works. Moving along at it's precise and clockwork manner with absolutely no regard for the fragility of human relations. Oh please... Do not lament the increasing lack of warmth in people, or the astounding superficiality some people are capable of now, because we are too shallow in our handling of relations, people are chucked here and there simply because they are needed by the system. Humans are not clockwork robots. We barely even have enough time to live life properly, decently. This is so lamentable...

I swear, i did everything in my power to hold my dams... I was tearing. FUCK this. WHY?

Livin my life.

Was just thinkin. Yeah, sometimes i blank out alot, lost in my wolrd of thoughts. Thinking of so many things to get myself distracted from all the boredom, from all the brainless things i do in camp. I figured i needed to keep my mind perked, lest i become a walking zombie in this 2 years, or so i fear. All that sophistication, lost to mindless, unquestioning obedience. Distasteful.

As i was thinkin. I thought many things. I thought of - what next? After all this... I wish time would all slow down. It feels like we are on some roller coaster ride of life. Exhilaratingly short. If it would only slow down to a walk in paradise, enjoying, savouring every moment with close friends and family to walk with you. A sense of undying support and true inner joy, which cannot be obtained through superficial means. If only life today was as fulfilling. We probably would not be such shallow adults nowadays, seeking out our selfish wants, sometimes with such blind ardour it is almost machiavellian. That turns the essence of human nature into an empty husk.

I have lived a good 18 years. Not long, but it's given and taken from me alot. Friends have been bestowed upon, only to be taken away by circumstances, becoming no more than a roadside acquaintance, sometimes cheapened to be used as a means to an ends. People whom i've toiled with, endured hardship with, a bond of friendship taking form, only to be ripped apart by the contraints of time and space. This world is selfish, while we are mere puppets to be puppeteered or chess pieces manuvered to fulfil an unknown plan.

Wouldn't it be just wonderful to have a beautiful ending like 'Big Fish'?

Vibrations in the air - emotions coporealized.

I am not a critical writer.
Thus, I am not a good one.
Not in GP at least.
I write what's true to me.
What's within me that's screaming to be heard.
As writers of old have done.
Only to leave us to decipher the myriads of mysteries interwoven.

Let's not banter further more on that subject.
Rhythmic. Harmonic. Vibrations. Music.
The uplifting power of it astounds.
I just realised i've ignored it for more than i should.
Music resonates in the human soul.
It's the core of spirituality.
One of the few things that has survived through human history.
It's universal.
It communicates not in words, in meanings.
But in the emotions songs evoke.
Hope. Melancholy. Vindictiveness. Angst.
It's a medium beyond words. Beyond language.
Wider. Deeper. Expanding our sphere of communications.

On a more personal level.
Music touches my heart.
Not just in a passing liking.
But a more intimate connection that invites me into that world.
A world woven with the magic of music within the mind.
A utopian harmony achieved - however momentarily.
Music trancends words.
Music is the realm where i've found solace.
Where i can cast myself adrift to bask in it's caressing embrace.

Below are the few songs that caught my heart.
Let it wash over you.
Music never dies.
Unless one is deaf to it.

MoonLight Shadow

The last that ever she saw him, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
He passed on worried and warning, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
Lost in a riddle that Saturday night, far away on the other side,
he was caught in the middle of a desperate fight, and she couldn't find how to push through.

The trees that whisper in the evening, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
Sing the song of sorrow and grieving, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
All she saw was a silhouette of a gun, far away on the other side,
He was shot six times by a man on the run, and she couldn't find how to push through.

I stay, I pray, I see you in heaven far away.
I stay, I pray, I see you in heaven one day.

Four a.m. in the morning, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
I watched your vision forming, carried away by a moonlight shadow,
Star was glowin' in a silvery night, far away on the other side,
Will you come to talk to me this night, but she couldn't find how to push through.

I stay, I pray, I see you in heaven far away,
I stay, I pray, I see you in heaven one day.

Cought in the middle of hunger and fire
The knife was heavy and so was the life
She couldnt find hoe to push through, carried away by a moonlight shadow
OOOOOHHHHH.


God is a Girl

Remembering me, discover and see,
All over the world, she's known as a girl,
To those who are free, their minds shall be key,
Forgotten as the past, 'cause history will last.

God is a girl, wherever you are,
Do you believe it, can you receive it?
God is a girl, whatever you say,
Do you believe it, can you receive it?
God is a girl, however you live,
Do you believe it, can you receive it?
God is a girl, she's only a girl,
Do you believe it, can you receive it?


She wants to shine, forever in time,
She is so driven, she's always mine,
Clearly and free, she wants you to be,
A part of the future, a girl like me,
There is a sky, illuminating us,
Someone is out there, that we truly trust,
There is a rainbow, for you and me,
A beautiful sunrise, eternally.

Quellin that bitch.

Yeah I've got the Monday Blues...
I've become obsessive.
So obsessed with spending my time well.
Yet ironically, i'm screwin it up for me and everyone else.
Snappin at everyone tryin to loop a leash over my neck.
While i thrashed like a rabid animal.
Becoming an uncontrollable and brooding tempest.
Incapable of mirth.
Incapable of joy.
Caged, with arms outstretched between the bars.
Seekin to keep the sands of time from flowing between my fingers.

Much as i would like to accept gaiety with open arms and an open heart, yet there seems to be something keepin me from it. Until i finally accept myself within the confines of a box. I have steeled my heart, unable to trust except for the truest friends but even so, some veil seems to drape over all of that. Friends are my pillar of support, overly so i guess, that being trapped and kept from them, havin so little time to spend with them is makin me fall apart at the seams. Yet, ironically, i feel as if im pushing them further away, to avoid the pain, only to fall harder.

All that angst culminating into a tempest.
Forgive me for my mistakes.

Thursday. 20/07/06. 10:47a.m.

Seems like this week in camp has many interesting anecdotes to document. Partly also because i'm tryin to keep myself awake in the midst of a dreary lecture by an old warrant officer.

Wee Calixtus Ashley aka Cactus.
Weird. Not that i had anything against his name, but such a flamboyant name is destined to attract attention. He is one MAJOR oddball who questions everything commanders say. Defies general orders, does the silliest things to get 8 confinements and counting... Posseses an eternal Mona Lisa smile on his face, sometimes he laughs heartily to nothing at all when he is alone on the corridor - Enigmatic in a sense because no one can fathom why. Question: What IS so funny?

Okay, before i fall into a permanent cryogenic slumber. I try to dredge up more lame antic by our IC of the week. All hail - Yong Chen.

Please pardon my candidness. Just last week, whilst swimming in the pool, he was spitting water like a pig faced Merlion while holding to his slack-floats after the swim cat test. I can only implore you to imagine the utter idiocy of the situation. My words are only limited an extent. Of course, as an IC he never fails to wayang, although in the most unconvincing manner.
'Eh! Guys! Do your drills properly' The next line killed it.
'Eh! Image arh! Image! Navy BMT coming' ...
Nevertheless, his responsibility as an IC is laudable, although his image doesn't really accentuate the fact.
3SG Tan:'... Illume grenades has a brightness equivalent to 90,000 candles'
Yong Chen:' Sergeant... What type of candles is it?'
He never fails to 'amaze'.
After the morning standby...
Yong Chen: 'Thunderstorm... After i fall you all out. Fall down immediately downstairs'
How is his brain wired? Neurologists might classify it under 'slug matter'.

Now, i'm lookin at my platoon mates falling like flies on their seats. The Z-monster comes with a reaper's scythe today.

Of course, how could i forget?
Pang Si Cher.
Codenamed: Chicken Little.
Mai Ah Hee... Mai Ah Hoo...
Oops... Sorry...
Why? Because he looks exactly like an overstretched version of our lil chick. Tall and lanky, not to mention a block like head mounted atop. Yes, please note the pun. He is excused: PT. IPPT. Swimming. Firearms handling.
You name it, he's got it.
Why? He CLAIMS he hears voices in his head tellin him to do stuff that's dangerous, no doubt it's a stupid voice. Maybe I can't blame him for having a hollow head, maybe echoes get distorted inside or something. Just yesterday, he visited the MO. After a brief sojourn, all his statuses were extended by 10 days. That status slip would have dominated the NSF black market for the hottest buys.

Quoting my PS:' What is wrong with the world, Mama?'
Yeah, i had to agree.
Gimme a min to replenish my brain fluids. It's quite taxing mind you.

Next up we have Gabrielle.
No, not Eva Longoria's Gabrielle Solise, although quite a formidable bitch in herself.
We have Gabrielle Selva Retnam.
Applause please.
I've met my match.
She OUTbitches me anytime. Sarcasm bounces off her like a sticks would off hippo hide. The DIVA of the lot. An absolute metro. Ever prim and prissy about appearance and fantasizing about high-end fashion labels. I feel as if i'm living next to a mini Paragon retail chain. Everything to her is either Prada or Gucci or Versace or maybe it's Maybelline.
If i had a camera i would have put a picture of her posing like an absolute bimbo.
That's all too bad, not as if she needed the extra advertisement anyway.
P.S. You owe me for your airtime here, i charge primetime rates.

What's that stirring in my heart?

Emotions are but a mix of chemicals your body releases for you to feel what you feel. Simplistic yet sophisticated as it may sound. I could never get a clear grasp of it. What is it i am feelin exactly, when a gush of heaviness rushes to my chest, my eyes feel heavy - simply put. Sadness.

Times i used to take for granted, now zoom by so quickly i can barely catch it. I am frustrated, vexed and at the same time trying to deal with my pain. My mood and being flutter like the weather everchanging, unpredictable and hits least expected.

It always rains.
I like the light drizzles.
I can't stand the brooding ones.
I miss home so much.
I hardly noticed it myself.

It's not pain. It's a bitterness. Something i cannot bear - Because it's something i can't control. I hate that helplessness. Even though i have weathered this many times.

Actually. Stayin at home during the weekends ain't such a bad thing. Sleeping in... Enjoying the homely comforts. Simple as it is, it meant a lot, now. A mother's love that i've taken for granted so long. I only appreciate now. I'm pissed. Pissed that time is limited.

Tears welled up, while i was packing the other day, dear mum came to give a hug. It took all of my being to hold my deluge, i was a breaking dam, i forced a smile. Felt like i crossed a threshold when i stepped ouy of home. At that moment, my world turned a vaccum. All the intensity of emotion i felt seem sucked out of me, i felt like an empty shell of a being.

A bad day.

It's a bad day. Even for a book out day.
Yeah, all thanks to my dad who screwed my com.
And spent the week tryin to hide it from me.
Gosh. That's abhorrent behaviour.
The worst thing is to use my book out day to fix coms.
It's bloody irritating coz i do only trial n error.
I'm no expert.
Thanks for ruining my perfect weekend.
I'll prolly have to reformat it.
Because im working cursorless now.
So much so that i look like some frantic typewriter on the loose.
Not to mention the mental tribulations wiring up the net can give me.
Hellish. Utterly vile.
All my intricate plans are wasted.
All that anticipation to get home are wasted.
Thanks so much.

Don't blame me.
It's the next 'best' thing other than goin out.
Argh. One too many times of this crap is driving me nuts.

While in camp, at Changi Naval Training Base CNTB.
Was feelin rather... forlorn...
Gazing into the sea of infinity.
Life ain't at it's best.
But i try to make do.
Everyone has their own problems.
Regardless of wealth or standing.
Envy is probably a senseless thing.
A human touch no doubt.
In every person, there is a dark corner we never see.
Known only in the corner's of our hearts.

I clamour for my book outs.
As all servicemen do.
There's so much i want to do.
But as sergeants say, 'Why? Shag, cannot think izzit?'
Come to think of it...
I juz flop and forget the moment i reach home.
Only to regret my decisions.
Waste my precious time.
I try to search for a purpose.
Something meaningful. Worthwhile.
Like go date-hunting for SSC night.
(I'd be crushed if no one offers their hand)

Crash! Comes the waves upon the sea walls.
Winds embrace my spirit with their uplifting caress.
Night grants me a peace, solace and still i can hardly find within.
Many times i wish for the impossible.
To frolick in the elusive oceans.
To soar high above the winds.
To explore the dream realm like an astral explorer.
The silent mysticism grants a momentary sanctuary from the world.
A world where order is imposed upon the natural ebb and flow of life.
Nature is free and unfettered.
Perhaps the world should take freedom with a pinch of salt.
Not to mention a leaf from Nature's tomes.

So blind... so blind...

In this cold dead world of mine.
Where i'm not who i am in the dead of night.
I cuddle in a little corner.
And sorrowful tears fall from within.
I don't care for a moment about others then.
My world is my own.
My own sanctuary.
There, i feel the pain i've deliberately numbed.
There, i secretly dry my tears for the next day.
There, i find some solace in the astral dreams.
It is there where i can cast away and forget-
Temporarily...

I never change.
As i much as i convince myself to.
I live a silly pretense of superiority.
Only to be brought back to a shattered reality i'm trying to hide from.

I yearn so much... So much...
Only to be denied.
The very thing i've been searching for since i lost it.
Seems the gift so freely given,
Is so hard to retrieve.
Akin to searching for a needle in a haystack.
And all i found are but...
Pseudo-needles.
Nothing but emotional phantasms.
Yet, i was blind enough to be fooled.
By pretences.
You might as well have thrown a phantom dagger thru my heart.
It doesn't kill.
But it hurts every single bit.
Memory plays its cruel joke again.
As i relieve the very moment.
Double edged thing memory is.

I laugh...
I laugh a cynically pained and choked laughter.
As the melancholy grips my heart again.
And i mock my own foolishness.

A gift so dear that it is priceless.
So dear that only the chosen one may give.
And poor me has been given leprechaun gold for promises i thought would come to pass.
I was the one who left me hanging.
Hah.
What a blind fool you are, pitiable soul.

A new path

A new path descends upon me.
060606 on this demonically accursed day.
Indeed, it rained.
POP was an experience i might say.
Ironically, i faced the day with a conflicted heart.
When all the time i've tried to get this over and done with.
Damn, i miss people.

As always, conflict arises within me.
Paths to choose and take.
Risks to weigh and handle.
Feelings to grapple with and suppress sometimes.
A mental tug-of-war within my mind.

All i yearn is to sit in peace.
Lay on the sand by the beach.
Beneath the gentle moon and starlight.
Sitting with a close friend shoulder to shoulder.
Chatting about anything. Everything.
Without a care in the world.

Many a thousand 'if-onlys'.
Then the world would be perfect.

Many things i tell myself

Some wish that time would stop,
That they may savour the precious moments.
Yet, others can't wait for time to fly,
That their long suffering may end.
But regardless, time flows on.
Unfeelingly, mindlessly.
Time is but another manifestation of reality.
Both move on their destined paths like ageless sentinels.

For us, we simply lose our way in all this sophistry,
Or still lose our minds trying to find a way.
Things living are all victims of time,
For it moves us inexorably to the end.

I am but a hapless puppet.
Home is a blessing of many wonders,
The very word can inspire and uplift.
And that means so much more in NS.
Homely comforts are unparalleled.
The warmth and love given so freely after a week's starvation.
Soothes and mends the broken soul beyond any measure.
Being deprived of all these at the end of a weekend,
A cruel thing to do.
I'm nothing more than a prisoner.
The pain and hurt, although brief.
Surges over me, leaving me hallowed and empty.
Like a pheonix cycle, rising from the ashes only to return to the earth.

When push comes to shove...

There's always a breaking point.
And i feel like i've juz passed that.
There is juz so much to express.
Yet words are so limited.
Or maybe i'm juz ineffectual in my expression.
Freedom is a tantalizing gift.
A gift greater than gold.
Yet something feels amiss...
Behind this deceptive facade of bliss.
A darkness lingers within me.
Something i cannot banish...
I can't seem to let myself go.
I'm a mess of conflict.
It holds me ever so subtly but firmly.

I yearn for the moment when i can cast myself afloat.
Free... without the fear of reprisal.
The how... I have to figure it out in my road of life.
Life makes tough demands.
But let us not forget the sweet fruits of labour it also brings.
Count our blessings indeed.

Existential angst.
Perhaps...
That's another big question mark.
I've come to a standstill.
A crossroads in life that needs decisions.
But i don't decide easily.
Maybe i shan't worry for now.
Cast these reservations aside...
And listen to the voice within...

I want to protest.

It's MY room.
But i don't stay much in it.
Which sucks.
And i don't appreciate it being taken over.
Much less taken for granted.
Even less so,
Taking possesion.
That is a violation of privacy.

My dear sister,
Would you mind not turning my room -
Into your personal dumpster for the week.
Before returning it to me?
Much less.
LENDing MY things to people i don't even know.
Even so.
Could you have the decency to get it back?
It's been a week and the book i asked for -
Is still in someone else's possesion.
How RUDE.
I would appreciate if you'll only use the bed.
And radio if you please.
Or the table and chair if you need.
But others are my things.
I STILL live in my room.
Thank You.

Oh yeah. Screw Viper and Taurus for fucking Ulysses up during the enlistment of new recruits.
Thanks so much.
Cat calls and jeering... Juvenile and deprived.

After wearing the iron choker.

Kinship and friendship.
Something i never really thought about.
Everything here is about me, myself and i.
It's time i pay some tribute.
I thought i was able to withstand everything.
So long as i set myself to it.
It seems so easy.
Setting myself a target.
Yet, i crumbled beneath the pressure.

I fell sick twice.
MCs stretching into my book out times.
Agonising to feel so powerless and weak.
Completely dependent on someone else's care.
My Mum.
She took care of me by day and by night.
Always checking on me from time to time.
I took it for granted in the past.
Now, it touched me deeply.
I felt loved.

Relatives. Phoned in to enquire about me.
All concerned and worried.
Esp my Grandma and Godma.
Many thanks for such wonderful family.
I felt loved.

Many friends, close and new.
Called, smsed.
Sent their regards wherever they were.
I never knew...
A simple msg.
A simple call.
Could mean so much.

I wanna thank:
Kelvin & Genie for your friendship.
Do well in SISPEC! Cheers =)
Jerry and Char for giving time.
I won't die yet bro.
And Char, i want a treat!
Not the least of course.
Are my newest friends - bunkmates.
Thanks all of you.
Lan again sometime.
Gotta get Russell! And Kevin! And Alvin!

Thank God for blessing me with such wonderful angels.

treasure what i have lost.

Yes, the army is capable of that.
Things i have taken for granted.
Snatched cruelly from me.
And there is nothing i can do.
I'm like a pathetic beggar,
Beggin for my previous life.
The strict regiments strip away all sense of individuality.
And i'm changed into some mindless puppet.
I lost myself.
Booking is a priviledge.
A gift of sanity.
The whole experience has been numbing.
3 weeks in there.
I have forgotten all of my social life.
The only thing i want to do is to fall into blissful slumber.
Oblivion.
That is my only solace.
But even that is reduced because of the unearthly hours we are required to wake from.
If only the night would last longer.
That is where i find myself again.
Only to lose it in the day.
Tekong life aint too bad.
It's just the sting of things lost.
I guess i had better acquaint myself to being a mindless robot.
It's a survival test. Each day.

Oath of Allegiance

I, having entered the service of the Republic of Singapore under the Enlistment Act, (Cap 93), do solemnly swear, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will:

a. bear true faith and allegiance to the Republic of Singapore

b. protect and defend the Republic of Singapore bravely and intelligently, with virtue and honour, not sparing my life blood in so doing;

c. to my last breath be devoted to the people, the country and the Government of the Republic of Singapore;

d. to be loyal to the country and the Government of the Republic of Singapore.

e. be ready at the order of the Government, to rise up to the defence of the Republic of Singapore.

f. be honourable, brave, disciplined and vigilant;

g. obey the laws of the Republic of Singapore and comply with the orders of my commanders; and

h. strictly safeguard and preserve state secrets and official information and never to disclose them.

I'm gonna miss certain things and people.
I'm gonna become a pawn in the Government's hands.
Just do it, i guess.

Out of sight. Out of mind.

Let it go.
Let it pass.
Let it fade.

Pain and disappointment.
No more.
No more.

Feelin down and out.
Let me go.
Let me go.

I dun wanna hear no more.
No more.
No more.

Close myself to heal.
Give me a day or two.
Simply a day or two.

I dun wanna think no more.
Enough is enough.

C'mon. Let's deal with this.

Lets be truthful.
I didn't do as well as expected.
Geog and Lit were disappointing.
Econs was a mild surprise.
Where do i go?
I may enter NUS or NTU arts.
What if i don't.
My mind is a tempest of emotions.
Crushed.
Deluded.
Lost.
Sunk.
Down.
But. Let me put it aside calmly.
And detach myself.
Let me drop that touch of arrogance.
Lest i fall further.
Let me be humble.
And learn.
Let me not be presumptous.
And be blind to things.
Let me face my world of possiblities.
And open doors.

To those who gauranteed themselves a place in a U.
Congrats.
To those whose results fell short of expectation.
Life goes on.
To those who take results to seriously.
Learn to be like Jerry. Really.
Take life a step at a time.
Make it the fullest step, every step.
Don't be sunk by bad things.
But learn to accept them and adapt.
I regret i learned a little too late.
But better late then never.
I should start living in reality.
So should you.
Thanks. Bro.

Love or die.

Have you ever wondered?
Have you ever questioned?
Have you ever given unconditionally?
Have you ever received with joy?
Have you ever taught others something?
Have you ever learnt something truly valuable?
Have you ever cared?
Have you ever loved?
Have you ever lived?

Have you ever felt aimless in this road of life?

Because...
We immerse ourselves in chasing the material.
We swamp ourselves with overwhelming work.
We live as human husks, empty lives.
We constantly seek attention to feel worthy.
We think power can be exchanged for attention.
We think money can be exchanged for care.

Have we lost our way?
Like wayward animals?

Instead of adapting and surviving...
Why do we conform and accomodate...
To what society says.
To what commercials say.
To what celebrities say.
To what the popular say?

Can we ever learn to take to the helm?
Can we ever dictate our lives?
Can we ever live as a person whose life is his own?
Can we ever carve out our own culture and future?
Can we ever rid ourselves to be led blindly?
Can we ever truly learn to be human again?

When we give love.
And when we learn how to die
Only then will we ever learn to live.

Tuesdays with Morrie, 5 people you meet in Heaven - Mitch Albom

It's pretty sad how some things turn out...

Friendships come and go.
In eagerness and in sadness of parting.
Yet some begin in necessity and others end in tempest.
Everyone is a 2 faced demon.
I may be an Angel when you see me.
I may be the Devil right beneath your nose.
Away from your very sight.
Becareful what one reveals.
May Time the eternal arbiter
Heal the deep wounds.
Even though scars remain.
May they be a reminder to maintain the harmony.
That was lost in the conflict.

Let it flow.

Here I am, sitting outside the hotel across the road. I am baffled. As I always am. I'd like to think I'm too sophisticated for my own good. In plain english, I lack cow sense. Perhaps I am spastic. I don't even know why I am writing this. Maybe it's because I've got time to kill. Or maybe I was tryin to reestablish this quashed and subservient dumb asshole, to normal person with a tinge of self esteem. I feel detached from reality. I've always forgotten and chucked aside, pity that does not work for everything. Much to my distaste. It needs some good getting used to. Perhaps all I have to do is to to accepting reality objectively and try to shield myself from the brunt of it all. I hate me being myself. I'm a conceited bastard, acting what I'm not. It's a dark soul living in 2 worlds split asunder. I'm raving. Every single step is agony. Both ways.

Screw wireless... In the ethernet port...

I hate wireless.
Wireless went down when i was free to use it for a week.
Tell me that doesnt suck.
Its throwing tantrums in my face!
And now, after being out for so long.
I'm bombarded with all kinds of things.
Mainly, gettin back with frens online.
After a serious withdrawal syndrome.

Lets not talk about the depressing stuff.
YESTERDAY.
I was made to parade myself as some shameless admirer,
for Pee's b'day girl.
God. it's tormenting.
Read Pee's blog man.
I have no need to disgrace myself further.

Went to MOS after that.
Nice place.
Nice atmosphere.
Nice crowd.
Not to mention nice CARs.
Just that the music's a lil not my type.
It was heavy house.
Heavy trance.
And some really remixed Rnb.

Ok, that was some bits of disjointed frustrations.

Waitering is NOT fun.

Gosh, i felt so idiotic the entire nite.
I was sent in to waiter a full banquet, without training beforehand!
I knew nuts.
Disgraced myself.
Overworked my poor partner.
And i think i was liable for alot of complaints!
I was clumsy.
Slow.
Retarded.
With an abysmal lack of common sense.
Laughed at by the other mean waiters.
Couldn't handle heavy things.
The list goes on for a bad waiter.
Heck, to make things worse.
The manager is just a total (fill in the blanks with all your obscene creativity)

I think i was just totally down on my luck.
Missed the bus home.
After waiting for half an hour.
Walked to town.
Rather ran with a full bladder.
Scrambling for a toilet....
Went to Macs to get water...
And saw the last 162 go by.
Waited like an idiot for niterider.
Until some nice cabby told me theres NO niterider.
Spend 1/3 of my pay on cab fare.
BAD DAY.

At least there were some saving graces.
Met some nice ppl there who were new.
And a nice Indian waitress who helped me ard.
I think that's all i can ask for.
Now, i'm a total wreck.
Like i've been hit by a truck.
God, i feel useless.

Good Ol' Days

Whenever i'm bored.
I start lookin at the calendar.
Moving backwards in time.
Reminiscing the past.
The dates evoke such fond memories.
Bittersweet memories...
Gatherings.
New Year.
Christmas.
Prom.
A Levels.
Mugging together with friends and Haribo.
The times we got to know each other as better friends.
The Drama Night.
All those late night rehearsals.
Not to mention the entire YunQi fiasco.
The lessons we loved, hated, and most of all skipped.

Project Work rubbed the wrong people togther.
Jane and the Kings.
Terry and SuZhen.
Shannon and Jerry.
Pei Yee and Gan.
Come to think of it.
It was nice to note how our differences dissolved.
And we strove together to pull through this ordeal.
In 2004, A2 was a cliqued buncha people.
In 2005, A2 was truly a class.
In 2006, A2 is etched into memories.
We bonded together in our common likes and dislikes.

All the times we shared together as we walk down this memory lane.
Hand in Hand.
It may not have been the most spectacular or exciting of all paths to lead.
But it certainly is the most poignant 2 years, at least for me.
Although i lament our short acquaintance.
I never regret our time together.

The Family Stone is good.
Go for it.

Now, as we move on along the journey of life.
Where Fate (Yes, First Moevere) may take us to diverse places.
All of my friends hold a special place within me.

10 years down the road.
Where would this motley bunch be then?
High fliers?
Executives?
Contented housewives?
Charming bachelors?
Lawyers?
Teachers?
Or down and out?
Only time can tell, and Fate can manipulate.
We'll see in time.

Musical Extravaganza!

It's been a good few days of partyin this holiday season.
Christmas and the New Year.
Clubbing and nights out.
It's been both good and bad.
Havoc is both sense of the word.
It's been a helluva grand finale for a grand year.
And, i thank all my friends for that gift.
It's been a great (and stressful) year i must say.
But it is hardship that moulds the soul.
We've all been through the mill.
And now its time to let our hair down.
For the other guys, dont take it too literally.

Partyin is not the least bit festive without the magical touch of music.
Hah, recently i've begun my love for selected techno.
And some soul.
And other more obscure branches of music.
Techno, partly due to para para.
It ignites the passion for dance.
Invigorating.
Soul is cathartically soothing.
Like Utopia.
Gothic is full of angst.
A perfect stress reliever.

Well. If you guys want any music hosted.
Be sure to send it to me.
I'll have it up in no time.
Finally, well wishes for the whopping new year.
I'm not gonna say "May all your wishes come true"
Cause they almost always never do.
Since you can't bend Fate to your will.
Do the best within your confines.
Strive for all that you desire.
At least you satisfy your own urge.
And not regret.
Life's too wasteful to regret.

Maybe telesurveying and gettin scolded is too much for my brain.
My mind seems caught in a cage.
Apologies for blockiness.
These are the escaping threads of inspiration that light across this blog.

Mothers.

What a way to begin a new year.

Eons have passed

Eons later...

Millenia seems to have passed.
As i whiled away my time.
Disregarding this little cyber alcove of my thoughts.
Already this place is startin to feel rather ancient.
Cyber decay and electronic parasites have made their home.

Hah. Things have settled a little since that frenetic night of frenzy.
About some time to return to reality.
Sadly in this hols, money has become a prime concern.
Particularly due to it being the major holiday season.
There are friendly obligations to fulfil.
Except the means to do so are pretty out of reach.
Presents for a bazillion friends.
That you suddenly wish that you could be some remote hermit for a day.

My days are mundane as far as mundane can get.
Which is a drastic waste of time.
I pray and hope the interviews are successful.
As least an avenue for time spent.
At least its for the good of the economy.....
Okay. That's really lame.
I suppose stayin at home and engaging in mindless cyber slaughter.
Does have a definite effect on accelerating mental atrophy.
Look at where my brains and wits are going.
Oblivion would be an understatement.
Already, i knew this post was decicated to babbling.

While i'm not caught up with choking deadlines in school.
Or participating in mindless ventures.
I suppose there's still that little window of time for some pensiveness.
Perhaps i'm daydreaming.
Somehow it gives my mind a moment's respite with myself.
Which is rarely experienced during the schoolyears.
Yet ponderings allow me to reflect and reminisce.
All the better to treasure the memories.

Humans are the epitome of hubris.
We only learn to treasure that we have lost.
We are short sighted.
We spend time trying to regulate our society.
Yet ironically we fight for free will and freedom of speech.
The governments and the world claim to fight for a better tomorrow.
Yet secretly and discreetly they are exposing loopholes for benefits.
How contrived.

However, our very imperfection is the reason behind our brilliance.
Then again.
Who is to say whether i'm right or wrong.
Who is to make judgement on anything at all?

Ideals are there to inspire not to be goals of acheivement.
As with Utopia.

Whoosh!

Whoosh!

Okay.
It's been a hell of a time.
Prom. Ah.
It was rather interesting to see many schmates dressed up.
When u usually just see most of them in nothing but the brown uniforms.
Hah. At least there are no major fashion faux pas.
Which was rather astonishing.
Food was good. Really.
Though i would have loved to pay that $8 more for a day at Fullerton.
(MJ's prom's at Fullerton. $86)
We all had nice company.
Though the emcee was abit silly.
Cheers to Shannon the Queen.

Hah.
It's been a day of many firsts.
I must say.
Clubbing for instance.
It was... invigorating.
Grants you a different side to everyone.
Enlightening...
Oh well.
Now that is all behind us.
Time to move on.
Now. I need a job to while time away.
Bleah.

What!?

What!?

Part of me can't believe all this is over.
I don't mean only the A Levels
But communal school life.
That is something which we are all leavin behind.
No more will i be studyin in a classroom.
Very much like i used to.
Something which i couldnt care much for.
Dreaded even.
But now, that unending love-hate relationship has ended.
And I am left hanging.
Unsure whether I'm free or just lost...

The classroom...
A place where we hated teachers.
Yet also a place where we all first met.
A place where we did our tiresome work.
Yet also a place where we strived together forging relationships.
Somehow, i can't believe we have just left that all behind.

Free without the trappings of exams.
Lost without the homely feel of school.
A place where we spent our young formative years.
It has left an impression.
A poignant one.
It is a subtle conglomeration of life.
Joys.
Sorrows.
Anger.
Love.
Weariness.
Friendship.
Learning.
Frustrations.
Everything.

Somehow to leave it.
Leaves an emptiness in the depth of my being.
An irreplaceable experience.

Somehow.
I will have to muster my courage to learn the temporal nature of things.
That nothing is ever enduring.
Things are confluxes of change.
Experiences are indelible.
That i will keep.

Denouement or Exhilaration?

Denouement or Exhilaration?

'A' Levels are finally...
Or inevitably over?
That's one of the questions i've been asking.
The stress of the exams are lifted.
Yes. Pressure Release.
At once, everything comes back like a singular stark memory.
As if, all that was before was condensed into one sole...
Moment.
I was reeling.
I wasn't sure what i wanted.
To enjoy what was sought for...
Or to keep myself in that sweet naivete?

Does it matter?
Reality and Time moves independently.
Regardless of our wills.

What can i do?
Wait for the inevitable.
Somehow, i wish that Time would remain in stasis.

*Okay, my thoughts are interrupted by my Mum ranting away at my sis for washing the toilet badly. Damn all that screaming and shouting. Can't write. I'll be back when things have settled. Can't help lazy people. Hopefully she survives. Ciao*

Enlistment

Enlistment

Fear?
Apprehension?
Excitement?
Dread?
Or simply numb ignorance?

A plethora of biochemicals arrested my heart.
Adrenaline - Alert
My pulse quickens.
And i wonder what is out there for me?

Another part of me screams for control.
Silence.
My blood stills to their usual beat.
I have momental calm.
I'm simply moving into the next phase of my life.
And inevitability in many countries maintaining a civilian army.
It's an eventuality i have to face.

Peace.
Let's juz face the music.
Take on the oncoming thing.
Pray. Hope. Believe in all my being,
That i would not buckle and stand firm.

I'm still malleable.
So...
We'll juz see how things turn out in that fiery furnace.

For now.
Let's face the time in between.
With all the vivacity life can offer.
Before we are enclosed behind a sphere of ultimate order.
Where chaos has no hold and place.
For now.
Let, Fear. Dread. Excitement. Apprehension.
Hold me.
I pray that i would be liberated on.
9th of March 2006.

Graduation.

Graduated.

I can hardly believe.
I can hardly accept.
I can hardly come to terms.
With this brusque end.
Time plays us, controls us.
We are as helpless as an ass being led by the nose.
I never truly reslised to grim horror of passing time.
Unnoticeable, but undeniable.
For each step we take.
No matter how fruitful.
Or however painful.
We are walking towards the end.
This neutrality, impassiveness of Time.
Governs us.

With Time, comes endings.
Resolutions.
Renewals.
Separation.
Yet, no matter how integral, poignant it is to our lives.
It will be my downfall being unable to let go truly.
This period of my life,
I'm put through the mill of life, of trial.
Again.
JC 2 whether crawling or instantaneous.
Has finally finished it's curtain call.
The lights are down.
We are thrust back, rudely into reality.
Instinctively, it set me reflecting into our past.
Reminiscent. Poignant. Exceedingly Nostalgic.
It brings tears to my eyes when i recall...
Our first CT...
Laughing together at Miss Victor...
Having fun during Lit Drama with Cara...
Striving thru PW and Promos...
Endless class parties, outings...
That very special walkathon which bonded us all...
Drama's gift to Nanyang, 'OZ', which I enjoyed immensely putting it up togther with everyone involved...
MY class of 04A2... I think we've come further than friends... We are family both metaphorically and literally =). Our ties are something I would keep close to my heart. A mark, indelible, I've been branded as a part of 04A2, that is something which will last for eternity.
(I'm finding it difficult to properly elucidate my thoughts. I'm juz overwhelmed...)
Us... putting our heads together to battle the Mid-Years and Prelims...
Drama's Farewell...
Everything I've done in conjunction with A2, Drama, TXH or any other NYJCian. It will be etched deeply in my memories, it is a part of me...
I only wish that Time, unfeeling as it is would not enstrange us...
I only wish that A2, will stay strong for the 'A's no matter how battered you are, I'm willing to lend an ear.
I would like to thank A2 for all that they have given me, memories, gifts, notes, and wise (or witty) adages.
Esp during Graduation CT...
I thank Mel for her words that bring me down memory lane.
I thank Sanah for her appreciation of A2.
I thank Mardi for her effort and pictures, it will be my keepsake.

I'll always be part of A2 as it is a part of me.
I dedicate this to all of A2. My deepest gratitude for everything...

P.S. PERSERVERANCE is what YOU need be it for the 'A' Levels or DOTA! *grinz

Blah.

I'm juz so jaded, so jaded...
Time really flies.
I never truly appreciated that phrase till now.
When i'm nearing the end of Year 2.
2 years. So long yet so short.
Short : 2 years of JC life.
Long : 2 years of NS life.
Heh.
There's juz this fornlorn feelin now.
Nearing the end.
Depending on how on looks upon it.
A2 were all strangers from different lands of different cultures.
Odd melting pot really.
Highly reactive.
Like you know K + H2O = Kaboom!
Yea, that's sorta what it is.
Budden, JC life would have been monotonous without these lively sparks of vibrance.
It's saddening, melancholic...
I've always been a maudlin guy.
Not one of my best traits.
Pity we have only now truly begun to gel.
After this 1 year plus.
I am starting to see us as a unity.
It was so cliqued back then.
Why does it have to take so long for our walls to be battered?
Perhaps Jerry is right.
Ppl only form cemented bonds through common hardship.
The hardship of ploughing through our exams together.
Words aren't nearly enough to express my emotions.
(Perhaps i'm too stressed that my vocab's been suppressed or something.)
Hah. I've never taken too well to separation.
Even with Drama...
There had been this sense of loss.
Of returning to normal, individualistic monotony...
And then comes the onset of examination stress.
It juz wears me down.
Destiny knows how to play it's game.
The poignancy appalls me.
We would be parting ways...
Sooner than expected.
Yet, we've only juz begun to appreciate each other.
Destiny makes folly of man.
Ironic how we make acquaintances only to lose them.
Perhaps it's God's way of testing our mettle.
Whatever it is... It juz means we are mere pawns in the Grand Design.
I am not accustomed to such haste.
Yet, such is the workings of this society.
Society is never truly society when everything's based on one's social lives.
Pathetically void and artificial.
I wish we could live in a more humane place.
That would be the most exotic gift today.

Choppy thoughts... No more...

Word Bank

<-Word Bank->

OK. I'm mainly searching for words that would be helpful in Lit. Essays. Mainly a wider range of words to convey ideas. Examiners would prolly get bored of rigid writing.

Poignant
Painfully sharp to the emotions or senses; deeply moving. Arousing sympathy.

Piquant
Agreeably pungent, sharp or appetizing. Quietly stimulating, or disquieting to the mind.

Imbues
Inspire or permeate (with feelings, opinions or qualities)

Immaculate
Pure, spotless, perfectly neat and clean. Perfectly or extremely well executed or articulated.

Juxtapose
Place things side by side. To compare. Juxtaposing ideas.

Innuendo
An allusive or oblique remark or hint, usually disparaging. A remark with a double ending.

Endow
Bequeath.

Melange
A mixture. Medley.

Mellifluous
Pleasing. Musical. Flowing. Adj. (Usually of voice or words)

Mellow
Adj. (Of sound, colour and light) Soft and rich, free from harshness. (Of character) Softened or matured by age or experience. OR Genial, jovial or partially intoxicated.
Sweet. Dulcet. Mellifluous. Euphonious. Amiable.

Euphonious
Sounding pleasant or harmonious.

Dulcet
Sweet and soothing. Adj. (Especially of sound)

Peccadillo
A trifling offence. A venial sin. Minor infraction.

Pulchritude
Literary sense of beauty. Pulchritudinous.

Courtesy of 'Complete WordFinder' A Unique and Powerful Combination of Dictionary and Thesaurus

Bookie.

Word Bank Today.

Ambivalence
Coexistence of opposing feelings in one's mind, esp. love and hate, in a single context. Ideal at describing Othello's dilemma. 'Excellent wretch! When I love thee not. Chaos is come again.'

Sojourn
To visit and reside temporarily, a brief sojourn.

Subversive
A revolutionary. Undermining. Destabilizing. Upheaval. Overthrow. Adj: Insurgent. Saboteur. Dissident.

Hamartia
Tragic flaw, in a hero leading to his downfall. That's bout all i can find.

Egalitarian
Priciple of equal rights and opportunities to all.

Empathy
Power of identifying oneself mentally, hence fully comprehending. Coleridge invites us to empathise with him through his poems. Or so i think.

Corporeal
Bodily. Physical. Material. Distinct from the spiritual.
Ethereal
Light. Airy. Delicate in appearance. Heavenly. Celestial. Immaterial.

Convolute
Intricate and complex. OR Coiled and twisted.

Conundrum
Riddle, often with a pun. Puzzling.

Commiserate
Express or feel pity or sympathy. Commiserate you on your loss.

Caveat
A warning or caution: “A final caveat: Most experts feel that clients get unsatisfactory results when they don't specify clearly what they want”
To qualify with a warning or clarification: The spokesperson caveated the statement with a reminder that certain facts were still unknown.

Extol
Praise. Applaud. Acclaim. Glorify. Honour. Compliment.

Maudlin
Weakly or tearfully sentimental. Mawkish sentiment.

Ostentatious
Showy. Boastful. Braggart. Pretentious. Flamboyant.

Some words of praise to shower upon the authors and poets of old. (Shameless things...) Anyway.

acclaim, accolade, adoration, applause, appreciation, approbation, approval, boost, bravo, celebration, cheer, citation, commendation, compliment, cry, devotion, encomium, esteem, eulogy, exaltation, extolment, flattery, glorification, homage, hymn, laudation, obeisance, ovation, panegyric, plaudit, rave, recognition, recommendation, regard, sycophancy, thanks, tribute, worship.

Okay. That's all for today. Looks rather simple. Drop me a word if you find anything intriguing. Brain-Dead. Out.

Yada

and now... YOUR DAILY LIT TRIVIA!
(God... that sounds spastic, i hope God doesn't strike me down or sumthin)
'Ok... i know i'm freezing. I shan't torment my readers'
That was a horrible beginning.
Anw, lemme give my worthless opinion on a few literary terms.

Catharsis
An emotional release in drama or art. The process of freeing repressed emotion by association with the cause.

Oh btw, more trivia.
Did you know that 'Cathay' is an archaic word in medieval language for 'China'. Like wow... Ok. I was never this lame. I suppose bloggin is intrinsically cathartic.

Bathos
An unintentional lapse in mood from the sublime to the absurd or trivial. A ridiculous feature offsetting an otherwise sublime situation; an anticlimax.

Dummies corner:
Sublime refers to something being most exalted, grand or noble (sublime genius) OR arrogantly unruffled; extreme (sublime ignorance). Feels more like i'm explainin these terms to myself...

Hubris
Arrogant pride. Presumptous. OR Excessive pride leading to defiance (against the gods), leading to nemesis.

Apologies,
Apparently, this dictionary of mine, ironically named 'Complete Wordfinder' is unable to locate the whereabouts of 'Hamartia'. Maybe i should build a word bank here... This blog shall thus be dedicated to the appreciation of language. I find myself engrossed in the dictionary glossing over silly words like um... 'halitosis' essentially 'bad breath' as in halitus breath, if you wanna sound 'cheem' or 'stupid' that is.

Pathos
A quality of speech, writing or events that evokes pity or sadness. Suffering and grief.

Time.
Is a precious commodity. Odd, time can't be commodified. Anw, vocabulary bank sounds interesting. Maybe in my next post. I never figured out what 'Sanguine' meant, hearing it time to time, so here.

Sanguine
Optimistic or confident. OR Bright and ruddy complexions. OR An amorous disposition. Literally, it means blood-red colour as in sanguineous.

I confess i am no clearer than i already was.

Invective
Iago uses invective speech. Speech or writing that denounces, abuses and attacks. Can be directed at a person, an idea, a system or thought. Employing excessive use of negative emotive language. Like: I cannot but conclude the bulk of your natives to be the most pernicious race of little odious vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth.

That's mean, interesting to watch the guy's reaction when you say it to him. So, that's all i got for now. Dump me a few interesting words to challenge my wordfinder. Also for building this word bank together.

What went wrong?

Dammit. I need a vent.
Yes. Like Krakatoa.
The hell went wrong while i was away?
Sisters.
Now, the resolution is so small.
Everything became so big.
Nothing i did was able to change it.
What in the world did she do?
I hate this and........
SCREW THOSE FUCKING LEWD POP-UPS MAN!
CANT TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE!
CLEAN UP! damn him...
Hell.
And that idiot of a sis can't even gimme a reason why the screen became liddat.
She said it simply is...
After the previous flops...
I can't believe a single word.

That was for today.
This is for yesterday.

Saturday. The J2 Drama members were cordially invited to a farewell party.
At East Coast Park, Pit. 61.
So i met up with Su Zhen and Jane.
And we proceeded to our destination on 135.
We dropped. Went uderpass. And emerged onto East Coast park.
Perfect. We were on time at 4.
Now, its time for pit hunting.
Where in the world was Pit 61?
So i checked the nearest Pit no.
Horror streaked across my face.
I told the girls,'You dun wanna noe...'
'What?' they said.
And so i said,' Pit 5'.
'WHAT?' they said again.
And i knew this was gonna be a wonderful walk.
Thing is, i never knew how wonderful...
So, we thought.
Let's juz walk.
I mean, can't be that long right? Right...
After half an hour, we were at Pit 20 odd.
And we were gettin restless...
At Pit. 30 odd, i was seriously harbouring thoughts of bike-hijacking.
After 1 hour. We reached a huge depression hollow.
Right. Detour.
Problem is, the pits are not always constant.
It's like a whole buncha pits. Then a stretch of pitless beach.
And we would whine.
And i keep FLIPPIN PINECONES INTO MY FLOPS!
Wasn't really that enjoyable.
After an ardous 1 and a 1/2 hour journey we reached Pit. 61......
And we cursed... Hell yea we did... Or i did =)
Had fun. Frisbee monkey later volleyball monkey.
Sorry about the ppl I injured with the frisbee =P
Been monkey quite a few times.
Couldnt help it.
Was gettin dark, i was grabbing air or shootin trees.
Ate. Posed. Chatted.
I'm like one of the craziest posers around.
I'm not postin pictures.
I'll disgrace myself.
Think Melly is infatuated with Bryan or something.
Keeps goin on how nice he is to send her here... Yadda Yadda.
Ok, sorry abt being a gossip monger.
Thinkin alot of ppl hate me behind my back for that or somethin...
Hope she doesn't read this.
I'll prolly have a disfigured tagboard. Cowers*

What's up?

How long has it been?
I feel numbed.
I suppose it's a natural defensive measure the body undertakes.
Considering the barrage of everything possible on my sensory receptors.
I'm nearly pushed to overload.
I'm on shutdown mode man....
I somehow lack the ability to make myself study.
Then i'll poke at myself, cursin and swearin...
Wow.... One day it'll come as no surprise as i drive myself nuts.
Been feelin totally on edge all e time.
Like some stealthy predator lyin in wait to snap at an instant.
What's up?
I dunno...
Can't answer.
Quotin Sanah:
Yes, I'm a walking schizophrenic.
Burstin at the seams.
That what exam stress does?
God. I hate it.
Life makes you wonder sometimes.
Carefree and easy as i am.
Life never ceases to make a mockery outta me.
It seems to take sadistic pleasure in watching me writhe in agony,
In the deepest pits of my being.
I'm not depressed or anything.
That seems to be the monopoly of girls.
No one guy can breach that.
I juz needed a space and time to let go.
To let go of all i'm clenching onto.
I throw my bafflement aside.
And trust in faith,
That for my existence here,
I hope i'm living for a reason,
No matter how far or unknown it may be,
I choose to believe in a purpose for life,
For that's what fuels me to live in this world.
This deteriorating, degrading, disintegrating world that humans are tearing apart.
Because...
It is the only comfort left available to me.

He prayeth best, who loveth best
All things both great and small;
For the dear God who loveth us,
He made and loveth all.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner.

Been there...

Been some time.
Needed some time for serious mental thrashing.
Glad it's all over and done with.
Then again, life's ever unpredictable and tumultous.
I feel as if i'm on a little sampan in a choppy stormy sea.
Gosh! That kinda sucks. Well, reality often does.
It's like some battle we fight daily...
Endure or drown.

Met with another recent slap in the face.
Which i thought was diabolically designed to do so in our educational lives.
Exams. Mid Years. Yes. BLOODY MURDERERS!
Sorry. Had to get it off.
The whole idea is ridiculous.
Feel as if it's out to test your time management and mental stamina than knowledge.
Of course i didnt fare very well.
Not many did well either.
As they said, it was supposed to be a slegehammer hit-in-the-face.
Or rather wake-up alarm sorta thing.

And the worst thing is.
I'm not sure how i'm gonna face it.

...

Mornin... Well, at least for me...
Juz woke up on a Tuesday mornin.
Tryin to shake off e last vestiges of peaceful slumber.
Sometimes... I really wish i didn't have to do this.
But live on in Slumberland.
A place of my fabrication.
Utter unfettered freedom.
Sadly,
I can only think about how nice it would have been.
I wish that I could somehow escape the reality of life.
The bitter harshness of it all.
The only solace i can find
Is being away from home,
Away from the memmories that chain me down,
Away from the very place that enslaves me,
Home is only truly ever home is when i'm alone.
If I had the power... that is.
To do my will.

It's sad to say it,
I know i shouldn't be,
But I can't help it,
I'm close to breakin point now.
A father whose business crashed many years ago,
Never stood up again.
Never learned.
Never awoke.
Only pride and sloth bars his way to recovery,
To recover from the state of leechin and uselessness.
Obtaining money from us was ever an unasked business.
A mother who laboured hard to shoulder this burden,
Is falling, weakening, losing hold.
Shaken to the core,
Uncountable times by the acts that bewilder her.
That torments her very soul.
A frail spirit in a hardy shell.
She could do nothing but try to shift the burden.

I don't see where i stand in this,
Or so lost that i'm not sure where.
I'm not an emotional dumping pit.
I'm not a black hole for the recesses of your flares.
Neither am i someone strong enough,
To take the onslaught of reality.

We drifted o'er the harbour-bar
And I with sobs did pray -
O let me be awake, my God!
Or let me sleep away.

The Rime of The Ancient Mariner

Feelin down

Feelin down...
Dunno why but down...
It's one of those times when things just dont seem to go your way
Sux one hell of a time
Wish i could juz get out of it soon
Perhaps it's e mid years
With my conscience naggin at me for not muggin
Sometimes i juz can't seem to do it...
Hate this weakness
This awful shambles i'm in
Hope it'll get over
Probably when the mid years end
Then i'll be another episode
Where i face the consequences of my actions.

Been some time...

It's been some time since i last posted.
What can i say?
I'm lazy.
Ha.
Juz finished watchin Inuyasha
Lazin as usual.
Been some rockin time i had lately.
Went to west m'sia recently.
=) Made quite a few frens from A7A =)
The whole trip's been rather fine.
On the whole VERY exhaustin coz we had to travel everywhere by bus daily.
Kota Tinggi to Kuantan then to Trengannu and back.
Caught some great geologic features life-sized.
Nothin's like being there compared to lookin at those puny photos in the geog room.

Exams again...
This is Singapore man...
I shld have gotten used to this shit.
But no, i haven't and i don't think many others have as well.
Always i tell myself i have to mug.
Then i realise i'm juz lyin to myself.
Coz the word 'mug' doesn't exist in MY dictionary.
And i'll be pretty sure NOT to find it in a few of my frens'
Still... it's somethin which we all have to stick thru...

Someone said blogs tell another face of a person.
Albeit the darker side...
(Jerry as Darth Vader "Hokkien") Peh wa ki orh orh yi peng...
Follow me to the dark side...
Blogs do such sometimes...
I guess it's juz life for teens nowadays.
Everything's bout bein 'in'
Being 'social'.
Find it hypocritical sometimes.
But i can't deny i don't do it sometimes..
Tryin to blend in to the crowd.
And quit being an 'oddball'.
Somehow it's hard to be really honest.
Something always has to be hidden.
A deep dark secret that none will ever know.
Livin in such a society for so long.
It's like some rare priviledge to be honest with oneself and others.
Something so freely given simply makes one feel liberated.
I'm glad i have friends in which i can really be honest with.
I treasure that.
It's something not easily found.
And blessed are those who find it.

Till next time...
It has been another rare insight on the tip of the iceberg.
Or another episode of my silly ramblings.
Anyways, live life.
Carpe Diem.

Ow...

Ok... I haven't been here for a long time.
I guess i'm simply lazy.
Yea...
I mean what's new?
I've been so drained lately.
I dunno why.
Lessons in school.
And ya magicking away.
Talking about magic the gathering.
Reminds me of a new set.
Or at least a self constructed set courtesy of Ed, Terry and Me.
This is old news really.
As i said i've been lazy.
The Lovers of Kamigawa and the Creators of a new movie genre 'Porror'
Exclusively mooted for Jerry and YunQi.
Have a laugh.

Man... i sound dead.
Sorry guys, i need time to revive a little.
Well, i juz got back frm CMPB for the med check.
Pretty inane.
The things they make you do.
Of course the dental, blood, urine, optical, X-ray and whatnots are thrown at you.
Jumpin frm room to room faced with zombie-faced persons.
Along with a few who tried to be an ass.
It was freezing in there and i was in Tee and shorts shivering away.
And 1 section required you half naked lyin on a bed with things plugged on you.
I mean how sick is that.
Seems as if my face spells, 'Hi! I'm a lab rat!'
And of course the interview.
Do you smoke, have heart problems, homo tendencies... yadda yadda.
Then you had to answer computers.
One would ask you personal questions.
'Do you think you are being followed?'
'Do you think someone is tryin to harm you'
'Have you ever been raped?'
'Can you read people's minds?'
'Have you ever heard things that people ard you could not hear'
'Have you ever felt that a tv programme was made only for you'
The above are one of the few.
The other would test your IQ.
I tell you i was so shagged after everything i think the results would show i'm an idiot.
Here you had to complete a host of patterns.
Answer simple maths.
Instruction following capability tests.
Complete number patterns.
Argh i can't remember all it was all so draining.
I went home half living.
That's all.

NYEDC

OZ was a real sucess!
I loved the audience esp.
I can't say more.
The whole musical journey left me with such endearing memories.
Memories of cast working hard together.
Putting lines, blocking, dance and singing together.
Memories of the diligent crew even though we didnt see much of each other.
The entire show wouldnt have been possible w/o em.
The cast cannot express their thanks more than they alr can.
Thruout this magical journey that we have all embarked on.
It's heartwarming to see all of us take an earnest walk down the 'yellow brick road'
We all found our friendship, love, commaraderie, team spirit and togtherness.
OZ has really touched us in more ways than one.
Bonded us really.
Esp in the boycotting of Y-u-n-q-i...
Haha.
I really cannot thank the teachers enough for all their support.
Melly, Seah, Tong, Tina especially for her excellent directorship and WoanWen for her brilliant lightings.
Kellet's like just there in name.
3 mths it took us to really put this up.
I guess we built much more than just props and show.
Took us sweat, sacrifice and precious time.
It seemed amazing that we actually did it.
It seemed so surreal and magical.
The musicians too were wonderful, a gift frm e heavens.
Keow Mei Jian for her creative composing and dazzling voice.
Jordan for his impeccable skill on either the keyboard or piano.
Ramu for his impressive array of sounds
Phil for his 'saxy' saxophone solos, you rock man!
This Musical wouldnt have been possible w/o all of you.
Love all of you to bits man!

The audience.
I can't again thank my friends enough for gracing my drama event.
A big 'Thank You' to all of you again.
I wouldnt have been able to do what i did had not been for your support.
I appreciate A2 for comin down.
My heart warmed when i saw you guys.
Really, it bolstered my confidence.
Love u guys too.
I wouldnt have again done it w/o you.
Thanx esp to my buddies, lovers, kings and ladies.
I had the best time of my life up there on stage coz u guys were there.
The euphoric rush was inexplicable.
My performance is my gift to you.
Thanx again for the chocs and flowers esp from. Ian, Char, Mardi and Sanah.
Not forgetting all the other guys for their moral support. Thnx.
I would also like to thank my Cat High friends.
Eugene, Zhi Xian, Jay, Swee Leong and Vincent for turning up.
Our bond of friendship and brotherhood holds still.
Thanx once again.

Finally Oz the Muscial has come to an end.
And i am one who cannot deal with endings very well.
Good things never last. They never do.
Then again, i am glad and proud to say that i was ever part of such a bunch of professional dramtists.
It's really sad to see us leaving drama soon.
Something tugs at my heartstrings...
Soon we will step down...
Soon we will embark on a long battle with the 'A' levels.
Soon we won't see each other for sometime.
Or share that special bond btw us all drama members.
Soon we will walk each our own life journey.
Sadly.
If i really were the Timekeeper.
I would have stopped time and let us all indulge in this...
OZ will hold a very special meaning in my heart and soul.

Things keep falling...

Things simply keep falling lately.
Crashing round about me.
Sometimes much composed as i seem.
It's a stark contrasting world deep within.
I am pushed over the cliff.
Teetering precariously.
Barely grasping for survival.
My mind's off the edge.
I ask myself.
How did i manage to get through all the shit thrown full frontal.
I chucked it aside.
Sometimes i told myself i would plough through.
Reality says, "it went in the trash"
I'm not sure how i handle things.
I'm not sure how ppl see it.
Pushed to overload.
Perhaps i'm escaping.
Perhaps i should stamp my ground.
Firmament.
I need time...
Which is a luxury...

NYEDC ANNUAL DRAMA NIGHT

NYEDC ANNUAL DRAMA NIGHT is here!
Its original!
Music!
Script!
Dance!
It's an event not to be missed!
In YOUR lifetime!
Ok... i'm exaggerating.
Anw, it's still good stuff.
Our very own drama musical is titled 'OZ'
With the central plot in a corporate business scene.
Inspired by the original 'Wizard of Oz'.

Details are as follows:
'OZ' Drama Jazz Musical.
Date: 6 May (Friday, Gala nite with VIPs) 7 May (Saturday)
Time: 7.30 p.m.
Venue: NYJC campus, LT4.
Tickets are priced at $8 FLAT!
Pls do come EARLY to catch the good seats.
Free-seating!
AN EVENT NOT TO BE MISSED!
Presented to you by the NYEDC!!! =)

O.K.

Hm... Thinking...
Day dreaming...
Pondering...
Whatever.

Nothing.
Drama Nite's due in abt 3 weeks.
Everything's been crazy.
As always.
A bunch of us were just cutting up the tix.
Ended up with a sore right shoulder and forefinger.
Paper-cutting will never be the same again.
Right.

It's hard sometimes.
Everyone has their own dark secrets.
Undoubtedly i have mine.
More or less alone in this inner world of mine.
No one has seen.
Others might have.
It is but the tip of the iceberg.
Like everyone else.
I seek to hide my true self.
And exhibit only the desirable.
I wonder how i do it sometimes.
But i guess it's become 2nd nature to me now.
Ironic isn't it?
While our society extols honesty as a virtue.
Everyone technically is a living fallacy.
I suppose everyone's inner demons are screaming for release.
If that's not it.
Then i can be sure mine are.
Perhaps secrets are meant to be kept.
To some degree of secrecy.
It's painful to see someone pour out their sorrows.
Coz you know, painful as these may be.
A darker being lies submerged beneath the depths.
In the deepest dungeons of one's soul.
Caged.
Raging.
Paining.
Crying.
It's always idealistic of humans to try to seek release.
But how many truly acheive solace?
They are just buried.
Hidden but existing.
Waiting to burst forth from their grave another time.
Waiting to be drawn out.
Again.
As happy a world as we try to make ourselves believe in.
There is always a contrast of the 'underworld'.
How hypocritical we are.
Yet.
As the story of 'Pandora's Box' goes.
Perhaps there's a spirit of hope out there still.
Brushing and healing the wounds of many.
Scars remain.
However stay iconic to the lessons learnt.
Resilience of the human condition shows.
Our adaptability & flexibility that bends us to be what we are.
Humans.
Ever sophisticated.
Utopia, in a world like ours will never be met.
But, somehow if we strike a balance.
In confronting our troubles and appreciating happiness.
We would be better people.

"stream of consciousness flows unchanging"

Lit. Jargon.

Pathos. Although any figure of speech may be employed to evoke an emotional response, many figures are specifically designed to do so, or else are themselves functions of the emotional state of the speaker.

Bathos. Anticlimax with humorous effect; spurious pathos; triteness.

Hubris. Overbearing pride or presumption; arrogance: “There is no safety in unlimited technological hubris”

Hamartia. The character flaw or error of a tragic hero that leads to his downfall. Tragic Flaw.

Catharsis. Elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression.

So much for looking up the definitions.
I hardly understand any.
Ew.
What's more the stupid wireless crap's givin me hell.
Dammit.

Tuesday.

Damn i'm on a darn short fuse this April
People better pick their way about me.
There's just SO MUCH to do.
Simply unbelievable.
Unconceivable.
There's like schwork.
Studying (Not that i do)
Scripting to rush out VERY soon
Not to mention rehearsals that end around 8
Shagged.
And my Mom was about to ask me to do housework.
Instead of my sis.
Like what the hell!?
Screw it. Really.
It's a damn piss off day for me.
What's with the lousy D&D table allocation method.
Wonder what they use their brains for those nutters.

What's worse was that all my block test grades were horrible.
Marginal passes.
Even for Lit. Yes.
And I can't stand people who make snide remarks aside.
Burn in lakes of liquid sulfur.
Which didn't exactly serve to improve my mood in ANY way.
For the first time.
I slept thru most of GP.
Which was quite rare.
But I simply couldn't make myself kill braincells mulling over crappy issues
Sleep was helpful.

D&D payment and table booking was an ultimate disaster.
Lets put it as the debate gang.
The class discussed it to be supposedly 2 tables for A2.
And suddenly on monday.
This bombshell was dropped on me.
The debate gang formed their own table of 10 with A1B ppl.
So much for trust and open discussion when you guys do things unopenly.
It was a complete mess up.
The other part of the class couldn't make a proper table.
The other bombshell.
Albeit the larger one was dropped again on me.
The 4 guys made their own table.
We lacked 2 initially.
Tried to find 2 more 'imports'
Then this Jerry.
Didn't know what went on in his twisted head.
Decided to withdraw from the table.
Last minute on monday.
When payment was due tuesday.
HOW AM I EXPECTED TO FIND 3 ppl!?
So much for being friends when you broke your obligation to us so lightly.
I'm sure Terry would agree.
The initial deal was the table with us.
With YOU PS-ing at the last minute to join your soccer table.
Man. Screw his whatever-you-can-think-ofs.
Really now.
The day just wasn't ---- DAMMIT! Got called off to do laundry drying!
ANYWAY.
We were being kind by not blasting you.
Cause I really would.
Not if i wasn't that tired.
Don't overdo it, man.
Esp not bitchin to me about you doing your Lit. presentation.

The day's simply not gettin any better.
Drama was a complete killer.
Esp when it's choral training with Kellet.
Dancin - exhausting.
Don't light that fuse o'mine.
Ever.

Monday Blues...

Monday.
Is not a good day.
Never has been anyway.
So... Got back my Econs block test.
Barely made it with an E.
Not that it was surprising
It's juz depressing.
Sigh. Guess Econs juz doesnt work for me.
GP essay was also dissapointing.
Lit was sadly mediocre.
Oh... what's new?
Other than dreading Geog Paper's return.

Monday has always been a mentally draining day.
Especially when Drama Night's a little more than a month away.
Our dance sequences are not out.
Songs are not proficient.
Costumes not fully procured.
Our script is not even complete.
And that's my responsibility.
Which sux pretty much when school kills pretty much ALL of you creative cells.
And when i start writing?
I get headaches.
Literally banging my head.
On the keyboard.
On the drawer.
On my arms.
And on my writer's block.
OW.
Scriptwriting is hell when:
You don't have enough sleep.
You overexert your brain capacity
You physically exhaust your body so your brain is oxygen deficient.
You encounter a Monday. (Like today.)
You reboot your brain completely, much like a baby's
You are daydreaming.
You cannot concentrate and your thoughts wander off thinking of sinful connotations

In short.
Scriptwriting sux when you attend school.
Therefore.
School is detrimental to brain development.
I think i'm going to be retarded soon.
The fastest case of brain degradation and senility.

Many things i'd like to do but lack the strength to.
Also perhaps the willpower.
Sigh...
Stressful.
Or perhaps i shouldn't say that.
Because none is more QUALIFIED to say that other than BEN CHOONG.
4 As 2 S papers + GP
His highness's exact words.
No thanx for that poke.
For all his supposed intelligence.
He fails to see past the notion of individuality.
Who wants to be like him?
Go on! Lead a mugger's life.
Since brain cells are mere automaic nanobots
Rather than colourful musings and inspirations.
Go on! Lead an academist's life.
Coz books are dead and so are you!
I can't stand these people who impose authority without properly earning it.
Anyway.
Life goes on...
Guess i've no choice but to live it.

Dug Deep...

Ok... Hi readers...
Sounds pretty damn boring right?
Right.
Coz i'm still suffering from the detri"mental" effects of the "block" test.
I'm like a living blockhead of sorts.
Nthn witty today.
Not that i ever was really THAT witty
Bitchy rather.
Or so some people think.
Or most rather.
Not that i want to be associated that way.
Not that i want to be associated as flamboyantly gay.
Especially after i've been casted THAT role.
I don't want to.
But mannerisms are simply not a thing to change overnight.
In cliche terms. Rome was not built overnight.
I guess it was the way i got along with my friends.
Cat High friends.
Influence,
So immaterial
Yet so compelling.
Then again.
My character plays a part.
I can't help a need for flaunting.
But then i'm very self-consious.
I dont know how these 2 could ever co-exist.
But they do in an enigma like me.

---------

I don't feel like writin.
Not now.

Woot!
I made a new discovery!
I didnt know there was an arcade in Jubilee!
Woot!
Havent danced para para for ages.
Man, i'm startin to suck.
But now at least i know where to go.
LOL.

Ah...

Oops.
I've been lazy.
I admit.
Well...
Since I've juz read Geri's blog
So maybe i'll give my opinions
As i lead such a boring life that there's nothing to talk about.
For the concerned public.
My Godma's stable now...
Although she's still under observation
And needs to undergo the knife
But i'm sure everything will work out well
=)

So... Geri...
I met him in NYJC last year.
During the 2nd intake batch.
Didnt really get to know him until we were separated into our classes
O4A2.
For me A2 was a stark contrast to the cold and buaya class i had in CJC
Most would know as i make alot of noise about those horrid ppl.
So i found new hope here
i suppose.
Ya know, since we are all new.
Its natural to try to find similar allies.
And my very first associations were with Terry, Jerry and Emil
That association fast became friendship.
A fellowship named ridiculously as "The Koppies"
More preferably known as "The Aerries"
It wasn't surprising, for much of the year.
The class stuck by its many cliques.
I suppose me and a few others managed to break this barrier
And built many inter-clique friendships.
Especially during PW.
Torturous as PW was
It brought the class together of some sorts
HATING it as a class.
Ppl always bond like that.
Isn't it?
Well, i'm glad i got the chance to know Geri better.
As a friend, during OCIP China.
Though we shared different bunks.
We relied on each other quite alot
Or rather, me on him
As I was quite alien to all the new faces
They were ALL from the science faculty!
More or less we bonded.
To some sense
In that less inhibited world of 17 days.
I saw a side of him that i never saw.
Its hard to say.
Contrary to what we ALL see
An airhead.
A racist.
A Hokkien Beng
A big mouthed gossiper
I somehow thought i saw a little bit of his inner world.
His unshared space.
A voice within that actually is deep in thought
Or rather dormancy.
But that light within is flaring, alive, vibrant.
One little evidence is his sharing in Lit Drama Othello classes.
Its sometimes astounding to know that Geri is a deep thinker.
Its not.
Its just a little voice hidden, too shy to speak up.
One thats dwarfed by that Hokkien Beng ego.
Somehow i found a whole new Jerry.
One that ponders on issues.
One that is burdened by hidden burdens
One side unknown.

Just a little something for Jerry.
As a peer counsellor
Sharing problems won't appear whiny.
You don't have to stand up to the world alone.
Take support in friends.
Keeping it within is never good.
Its what brothers are for ya?

Life....

I'm not sure what to think.
My youthful sense of invincibility has again been shattered.
Once again i felt the true frailty of Life.
The flame.
No matter how vibrant.
Is vulnerable.
Is limited.
Is subject to forces beyond our ken.
Such is the fire of life.
It makes me think...
As if life for everyone is nothing but,
A mere candle.
Burning vivaciously towards our own demise.
Life's sad sometimes if seen that way.
But that's Life for you.

Such are the revelations that hit me.
When i saw my very own Godma on the hospital bed.
Weak. Fragile.
Hardly the hale and hearty woman that i am used to.
In her, i saw the pyres of vitality in her eyes.
So motherly.
Much of her life she dedicated to her children.
Her foster children (Me n Sis)
Her grandchildren (My 2 little angelic nephews)
Yet, she took pride in it.
She loved them all without discrimination.
Sometimes i feel more for her than my own mother...
She took care of me since i was 2
Till i was ready to take care of myself and had a maid.
She was with me when i grew up.
She made up my very first memories.
Memories of a warm bed.
Memories of a warm meal
And memories of a warm hug.
Even when i left her care
We visited regularly.
And i would be welcomed without hesistation.
Showered with hospitality.
It was like an uninhibited 2nd haven.
Even after we moved 7 years ago.
Things remained unchanged.
I would feel guilty about not visiting sometimes.
Then i would tell myself i could always do so the next week.
But still we were close.
I had often wondered how i would go on w/o her.
I never reached a satisfactory answer myself.

Until i saw her on the bed today.
I saw only a brief shadow of her past self.
I was crushed within.
My young nephews could not lift my burdened spirits.
I did all i could to alleviate her pain.
I wanted to chat.
So much.
But....
My knotted chest allowed nothing.
She had pancreatic inflammation
Or so i heard.
Thought it wasn't really serious.
Felt something was wrong when she wasn't in a common ward.
Found out she was in the ICU last week.
Found out she already has diabetes for 2 years.
She did not tell us...
ANY of us...
She just went on caring for us.
I suddenly felt very dwarfed by the magnanimity of her love.
I'm not sure if its critical.
But it's serious.
I sincerely hope she would pull through...
She has us to live for....
I wish she would find in her the willpower and motivation to live...

When i left
I held her hands
They were hard, dry and coarse.
All the more
I was heartbroken...
Tears fell forth from my face.